Monster Manuel (H)

There are 60 creatures filed under H.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		0		Ham Shaman The creation myth favored by Ham Shamans is known as "The Opening of the Can." Hundreds of years ago, where was a great schism between the Country Style Ham Shamans and the Picnic Ham Shamans. Ham Shamans worship a deity-like force of nature known as Hor-Mel.
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		?		Hamlet Hamlet was named after the popular practice of renting off the part of the pig you aren't using yourself. Hamlet's girlfriend Ophelia drowned herself mainly because she was sick of dudes hitting on her with super-obvious puns based on her name. Traditionally, Hamlet is a stage play.
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		60		Hammer Brother If you think this guy's rough, you should see his Home Depot bill. You would think he would eventually try a slightly more aerodynamic weapon, like knives or hand grenades. Maybe this explains why Bowser's warships are such weird piles of unfinished logs -- all his carpenters are out fighting.
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		?		hamsterpus Hamsterpus sushi is considered a rare delicacy in some parts of the world. The majority of the expense comes from the difficulty in getting all the little bones out. When particularly frightened, hamsterpi wish they could squirt black ink into their enemies' eyes. On no account should you allow a hamsterpus to get near any of your orifices, or you may end up in an internet video.
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		17		handsome mariachi The first mariachi was a samurai who went by the name Merry Hachi. Though handsome mariachis pack a lot of hidden firepower, their most powerful weapon is their razor-sharp good looks. Handsome mariachis are so vain that every song they play is about them.
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		?		hangman's tree It took the Hangman's Guild several hundred years to grow a tree with naturally-occurring nooses on each branch. If you think the Hangman's Tree is spooky, you've obviously never seen a Guillotine Shrub. The bark of the Hangman's Tree can cure headaches, and the nooses on the Hangman's Tree cure everything else. Permanently.
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		144		Hank North, Photojournalist Hank North is a freelance reporter, largely because no newspaper will hire him. Hank can create a truly impressive array of weapons, none of which are durable enough to be useful. Hank would be a zombie's worst enemy, if he wasn't constantly dashing off on stupid side quests or fighting other humans.
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		0		Happy, the Reindeer What's he so happy about? Ha ha ha whooo, don't ask! Sometimes a giggles a little. It's not something you want to hear. Even the other reindeer think he's creepy. When they pull the sleigh, he's always in the front row because none of the others want him behind them.
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		48		haunted skullabra Skulls can also be used for chamber pots and cereal bowls, but you should keep them seperate[sic] from each other, or at least wash them thoroughly in-between. Other uses for skulls: small punchbowls, large muffin tins, dice cups, pie crust crimpers, single-use hatracks, and pencil caddies. Of course, the most common use of a skull is to keep your brain from getting cold.
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		24		haunted soup tureen Tureen is not only the name of the dish, but the onomatopoeia for the sound it makes bouncing off a skull. Chicken soup is good for the soul, but turtle soup is good for the complexion. It's perfectly acceptable to lift your bowl and drink the last of your soup, so long as you keep the slurping to a minimum. "Keep the slurping to a minimum" is a pretty good overall rule of etiquette, actually.
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		70		healing crystal golem Healing crystals are formed when used band-aids undergo tremendous heat and pressure for millions of years. If you think this guy's weird, you should see the insulin golem. If healing crystals actually worked, they would just be called "patented".
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		175		heat seal The skins of flaming hellseals are particularly prized by the Frigid Northlanders, as they retain their heat for as much as a year after skinning. (They do require a fortnight's cooling-off period before they're suitable for wearing though.) Flaming hellseals are only found in the rocky mountainous parts of the Frigin[sic] Northlands, because if they enter the lowlands they melt straight through the icebergs and drown. Flaming hellseals eat a lot of charcoal, but not because they need it to fuel their powers or anything. They just like the flavor.
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		180		Heavy Kegtank The kegtank could hold over 50 gallons of beer when it was full, which it wasn't for very long. The kegtank's treads are made out of glued-together, unread textbooks. The kegtank can fire both cans of beer and sprays of beer, but in both cases it's crappy beer.
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		115		Heimandatz, Nacho Golem Many Saucerors have theorized that Heimandatz's "cheez" is actually a form of petroleum distillate, but none have managed to acquire a sample of it for testing. The true nature of Heimandatz's chips is currently unknown. One Sauceror suggested it might be a form of higher-dimensional corn, which he called "corm". He received a lot of strange looks and, embarrassed, he never brought it up again. Other famous Sauce Horrors include Choron the hellandaise-hound, Charcutière the Butcher, and a particularly fearsome entity known only as Tza'tziki.
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		52		Hellion Attempts to make powerful bombs by splitting hellions have largely failed, due to the inability to get the hellion to sit still for the chisel. Ancient architects frequently based their designs on proportions evidenced by superlarge atoms such as the hellion, and ionic columns can still be seen in classical architecture today. Alchemists have experimented with turning hellions into gold, but none of them have been successful. Farscien of Agrilla managed to turn one into a corned-beef sandwich, though.
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		160		hellseal guardian If a hellseal guardian ever asks if you read the Ancient Scrolls, because there's a passage he has memorized, RUN. A hellseal guardian's claws aren't made of bone or hair; they're actually dense deposits of mucus. Most hellseal guardians have had their nose broken so many times they can no longer balance a beach ball. They can manage a sack full of baseballs, though.
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		85		hellseal pup Hellseals are born with all the pointy serrated teeth they'll ever need. I invite you to try not to imagine what a mother seal's nipples look like. It's said that rubbing a hellseal pup's belly will bring you good luck. Well, to be more precise, it's said that rubbing a hellseal pup's belly and still having a hand afterward is a sign of good luck. Hellseal pups have three extra stomachs, which they use to process nutrients for growing to their adult size very quickly. The extra stomachs are jettisonned afterwards, when they are no longer needed.
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		?		hep cat The hep cat isn't a viper, but he's occasionally a smoke-eater. Nowadays, "hep cat" is just abbreviated to "hep c," and many people have one. The hep cat can be placified with a jorum of skee, if you know what that is or happen to have one. Is it related to skee-ball?
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		?		Herald of Fridgr A cornet is not just a short trumpet. B-flat is the optimal note for spine-tingling. The Herald purchases the extended trumpet warranty, because his icy breath makes the metal so brittle.
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		?		herd of archaea There are a lot of interesting facts about archaea, which scientists refer to as "archaena." One of the most annoying things an archaea scientist can do is be really arch about it. In fact, this has led to the practice of forcing new archaea scientists to sign an "archaea covenant" where they promise not to be arch.
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		200		herd of well-fed microraptors The scientist who discovered the microraptor liked to talk about them really, really quickly. The scientist who bullied that first scientists used to say "More like micro-crap-tor." The scientist in charge of the lab sent that second scientist to the principal's office.
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		?		herd of wild lemmings Ancient scientists believed that lemmings fell from the sky like rain. Ancient jocks used to play pranks on scientists where they'd dump buckets of lemmings on them from the roofs of buildings. The more things change, the more rodents get dumped on dorks.
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		39		Herman East, Relivinator Herman East's re-livination serum is 50% sugar and 50% the stuff that's in glowsticks. Dr. East's scientific method is less "Observation, Hypothesis, Test," and more "Kill something, try to un-kill it." Dr. East isn't a real doctor. He's actually a dental hygienist with delusions of grandeur.
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		110		hermetic seal Back in the hermetic seal's day, adventurers had some respect and didn't just attack you all willy-nilly. The hermetic seal was quite the female seals' man back in his day, I'll tell you what. 23 Skidoo, if you know what I mean. The hermetic seal has a perfect-fitting set of dentures, which really makes you wonder who the seal dentist is.
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		110		high priest of Ki'rhuss To become a high priest, one must have a bloodlust and fanatical devotion, but also good networking skills and must type at least 80 words per minute. The high priests of Ki'rhuss have the ability to curse water, turning it into highly intoxicating "Unholy Water." They're very popular at parties, at least until they start sacrificing people. Most of the sacrificial victims of Ki'rhuss are female, probably because the high priests didn't get hugged enough as kids.
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		0		high-altitude pterodactyl Pterodactyls are born in the air. They live their entire lives in the air. Perplexingly, they almost always die underwater. Pterodactyls have to be careful when they get close to the ground in search of prey, or they'll end up getting the opposite of the bends. Most people don't know this, and will in fact deny it if it comes up, but both of the Ts are also silent.
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		0		high-level mook Honestly, "high-level mook" is a plain contradiction in terms. As a low-level mook is sometimes called a "footpad", a high-level one is can be referred to as a "magsman". High-level mooks are known for their skill at climbing and graffiting bridges.
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		?		High-Ranking Warbear Officer To become a high-ranking officer in the warbear army, you've got to have a flawless service record, a solid kill ratio, and/or an uncle who is already an officer. Warbear ranks are exactly like regular military ranks, except due to the vagaries of language they pronounce "colonel" the way it's freakin' SPELLED. High-ranking officers get the very fanciest armor with the most cybernetic upgrades, including a working espresso machine in the breastplate.
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		145		Higher Plane Serpents Astral serpents are sometimes used as part of a rather juvenile prank played by bored deities, who put them in fake cans of manna to shock unsuspecting mortals. Astral serpents aren't venomous exactly, but getting bit by one is pretty bad for your karma. Astral serpents and astral badgers are not on the best of terms. The badgers, for their part, don't give a... damn.
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		0		hired gun He'll write someone's name on a bullet if you want, but that costs extra. Some hired guns are willing to work on a loot-share system, but make sure you get the agreement in writing. If you could actually hire just the gun and not the guy who shoots it, it would be a lot cheaper I bet.
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		350		Hobelf The job opportunities for elves are unfortunately scarce. After all, Crimbo only comes once a year, and only so many elves can be usefully employed in that cookie-baking tree. Not all Hobelves are doomed to a life of misery. History shows that three such elves, with nothing to eat but rice scavenged from weddings, and nothing to cook it with but a burning oil drum, invented one of the world's most well-known breakfast cereals. Why are so many Crimbo elves out of work? Well, let me put it this way: have you ever played a video game programmed by an elf? "Happy Soldier Best Friends" was not exactly a critical success.
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		30		Hobelf The proper plural is Hobelfs, not Hobelves. Or maybe that's the other way around. Sorry. Hobelves is definitely right. Tolkien never said that elves have pointy ears.
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		750		Hodgman, The Hoboverlord Hodgman's beard is so matted and filthy it actually has a +4 armor rating. Hodgman's pants are too thoroughly bonded with his body to be recovered after a fight. Hodgman's favorite color is chlorine and his favorite food is apathy.
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		?		holographic army Because the soldiers in a holographic army aren't real, but they are real tough. That's what they say to each other, at least. The helicopters used to transport holographic soldiers are known as holocopters. The key components of any holographic army are holographic tanks, holographic bombs, holographic bombs and holographic guns.
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		152		Honey Pot Since there are no such things as giant celestial bees (trust me on this one), where does the honey come from? The answer would certainly surprise you! Honey has antibacterial properties, which is good, because can you imagine giant celestial bacteria? That would be terrifying! The main component of celestial honey is superheated hydrogen, and consequently, it isn't very good on a peanut-butter sandwich.
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		165		Hooded Warrior Some Astronomers speculate that the Hooded Warrior is a depiction of Boris himself, with the hood covering the horns on his hat. Don't laugh at the Hooded Warrior's tiny sword. It's not the size of the weapon, it's the jabbing of the stabbing. The hooded warrior's cloak contains the Ketchup Stain Nebula, even though he put soda water on it right after it happened, dang it.
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		100		horrible tourist family This theme park is a big hit among foreign travellers who enjoy the excitement of lax safety regulations. Every year, several children get lost in the park and are unclaimed by their lucky parents. The kids are kept in an underground dormitory, and eventually grow up to be costume-wearing mascots. The only good thing about weird foreign snacks is that they usually have bizarre and interesting cartoon mascots.
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		20		hostile amoeba There is a species of amoeba in some lakes that swims straight up your nose and eats your brain. I wish I was kidding. Amoeba reproduce asexually, just like your mom. Amoeba move by extruding pseudopods, a word that always looks like it's spelled wrong.
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		0		hostile intelligent alien It's a curious fact about the galaxy that almost all sentient species are bipedal. Though if you think about it, that's less weird than the fact that they all have eyes, breathe air, are made of carbon, etc. Maybe... Maybe the galaxy is just being made up as it goes along. Oh God.
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		0		hostile plant Spacegate botanists work tirelessly to maintain a massive, extremely boring codex of small alien plants. A Spacegate botanist once caused an entire town to be evacuated by illicitly bringing what turned out to be a toxic specimen home as a houseplant. Spacegate botanists are rarely invited to cool parties.
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		500		hot bugbear Hot bugbears run a temperature of three-hundred sixty-five degrees, and frequently burn down their own houses. Hot bugbears suffer from insomnia, because how can they sleep when their beds are burning? Hot bugbears did start the fire. What, did you think it was always burning since the world's been turning?
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		500		hot ghost Hot ghosts leave behind boiling ectoplasm. Hot ghosts can control fire like that girl from Firestarter, and unlike those guys who sang the song "Firestarter." Hot ghosts can increase the temperature in a room up to twenty degrees, but are frequently overlooked by ghost hunters looking for cold spots.
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		350		Hot hobo Probably the most famous of fire-type hoboes was Ol' Abe "Acetylene" Wallace, whose hit song "Yer Darn Tootin' I'm On Fire (Oh Wait Did You Mean Literally)" held the #2 spot on the Top 40 lists for over 30 consecutive weeks. A fire-type hobo is a welcome sight at hobo camps, since if there are no metal trash barrels available, you can boil your coffee in his hat. Some people believe hoboes develop fire resistance by drinking sterno and lighter fluid. In fact, it is an ability that the species evolved over many thousands of generations.
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		500		hot skeleton Please do not leave your house or apartment with an unattended burning skeleton. He will probably read your diary. A burning hot skeleton would make a pretty decent barbecue grill if you could keep the meat from sliding off the curved ribcage. Burning skeletons also make pretty sweet heavy metal concert decoratons. Or bass players.
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		500		hot vampire It's true that most vampires hate garlic, but you might not have known that they also hate pepper spray. Even the hot ones, because it's a different kind of hot. Don't play with matches, kids, or you might be turned into a vampire. Oh, also don't play with vampires. You might think vampires would be really dry and susceptible to fire, but all the blood they drink actually makes them kind of gooshy.
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		?		hot werewolf Hot werewolves burn from the inside, especially after a particularly spicy meal. Hot werewolves change with the moon cycle, or when it's particularly hot outside. Hot werewolves' favorite food is Hot Pockets.
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		500		hot zombie Hot zombies are usually regular zombies that fell into a campfire, or drunk people who fell into a campfire, died, and came back as zombies. Hot zombies prefer their brains blackened, Cajun-style. All zombies can put you in the hospital, but only hot zombies can put you in the burn ward. Well, only hot zombies and witheringly sarcastic zombies, but there aren't many of the latter.
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		35		huge barrel mimic The only thing a mimic can't mimic is another mimic mimicking a mime! One downside to mimicking a barrel is that broke people try to use you for clothing. If you force the mimic to assume a shape you find amusing, your laughter will really hurt its feelings.
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		73		huge ghuol The hugest ghuol on record weighed more than 1000 pounds, and lived in a cemetery behind the Loathing Center For the Study of the Morbidly Obese. Many necromancers keep a few ghuols around as a convenient way to strip corpses of their flesh before raising them, because skeletons are much cooler than zombies. The old tales about ghuols converting humans by belching in their faces are untrue... but trust me, you don't want it to happen anyway.
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		16		huge mosquito Male mosquitos don't drink blood. They drink beer. Mosquitos are allergic to fire. If you squeezed out an entire year's worth of mosquitos into a bucket, you'd need a bucket the size of the Taj Mahal.
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		0		Hugo Von Douchington How did he die, this offensive young chap? Someone got tired of all of his crap. At Hugo's funeral, the guys he called friends drew dicks on his face with indelible pens. Every year, pilgrims line up to pee on his grave. What's this story's moral? That's right: Burma Shave.
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		100		hulking bridge troll Bridge trolls are sort of an evolved form of smut orc. Well, okay, maybe 'evolved' isn't the right word there. Maybe just 'larger'. Biologists are still researching possible evolutionary links between trolls and sealions. Most trolls are unable to swim, because the pool is always closed.
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		500		hulking construct The hulking construct enjoys a heaping bowl of plain oatmeal for breakfast every morning. Hulking constructs are much more fun than constructed hulks. Not all hulking constructs are murderous. Some of them are just really technologically advanced espresso machines.
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		500		hulking construct The hulking construct enjoys a plain mayonnaise sandwich on white bread with a glass of water for dippin'. Hulk hulk hulk hulk hulk hulk hulk hulk. See how weird that word is? Hulking constructs draw on hulking construction paper. Sorry, that's all I've got.
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		1		hung-over half-orc hobo The only difference between a regular half-orc hobo and a hung-over one is time. About thirty seconds, considering what they tend to drink. It's hard to say what the other half of a half-orc is likely to be, because orcs are known for banging just about anything on two legs. Half-orc hoboes aren't permitted in Hobopolis, because they're half-orcs, and also aren't invited to frat parties, because they're half... something else. This goes a long way to explaining their rampant alcoholism, and general irritability.
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		0		hunter-gatherer cave elf It'll be a while before these guys are really effective at their jobs. First they have to figure out they should be gathering the berries and hunting the tigers. Did you ever stop and wonder who invented the bag? And what that conversation would have been like, when he first showed it to people? Also, how did anyone ever figure out wheat? "Okay, we can eat this, if we grind the little seed bits into dust and then mix it with water and some other stuff and then cook it."
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		95		hunting seal The hunting seal's peculiar camouflage pattern is the result of it having evolved in a dalmation[sic]?-rich environment. Yes, hunting seals used to be raised by the Fire Department of Loathing as mascots, until they found the seals started more fires than they extinguished. A hapless Seal Clubber once mistook a hunting seal for a cow. He got two things that day: No milk, and killed.
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		25		hustled spectre Three of the last twelve national billiards championships were won by ghosts. They were eventually banned for shrieking at the living players, and being unable to lift the trophy. It takes a lot of time and energy for an incorporeal spirit to attune a physical object (such as a billiard ball) to its spiritual vibrations, and this can be ruined by contact with a living human. So, never ask a spectre if you can touch his balls. British hustled spectres are a much more difficult opponent, no matter how many times you watch that cartoon where the talking duck learns about math.
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		?		hypocritical medicus The hypocritical medicus washes his hands before each operation, but he washes them in sewage. The hypocritical medicus uses a dull razor, just to be more of a jerk. The hypocritical medicus believes in balancing the humors of the body to maximize his patient's discomfort.
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		8		hypodermic bugbear You really don't want to know where the other end of that needle-arm is anchored. Okay, I'll tell you. Bugbears have a tiny prehensile nub of a tail, and that's where the needle-arm is anchored. Bugbear blood is blue-black blood. Say that out loud three times fast, I dare ya.
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References

• The third Handsome Mariachi factoids refers to You're So Vain by Carly Simon.
• The hot bugbear factoids include song lyrics. Specificaly, the first factoid is from "Burning down the house", and the second has a line from "Psycho Killer" by the same band. The third is from "We didn't start the fire" by Bill Joel.
• The hot ghost mentions "that girl from Firestarter." In the book book and film of that name the heroine is called Charlene "Charlie" McGee.
• The hot ghost also mentions "those guys who sang the song Firestarter." They are called The Prodigy.
• The third hustled spectre entry refers to the educational Disney cartoon Donald in Mathmagic Land, which has a scene where Donald Duck learns about using mathematics to play billiards.