Monster Manuel (G)

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There are 154 creatures filed under G.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Gimp.gif Nicesword.gif 46 This monster is a Demon G imp
  • Even other demons find G imps to be pretty creepy, and considering what demons tend to be into, that's saying something.
  • G imps don't talk much, because have you ever gotten your tongue caught in a zipper?
  • G imps also don't drink much, because throwing up inside a leather face-mask is one of the worst experiences ever. ...I'm assuming.
Whiteshield.gif 41 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 46 Initiative +60%
Gamblinman.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gamblin' man
  • When you gamble in a saloon, it's not just the dice that are loaded. (It's also the guns.)
  • With all the work these guys put into figuring out new ways to cheat, you'd think they would just get a regular job. Ha ha haaa
  • A lot of Old West gamblers played Faro, which is a card game nobody playes any more because it's really boring.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Muggers.gif Nicesword.gif 800 This monster is a Hobo gang of hobo muggers
  • If a hobo demands your wallet, it is recommended that you simply give it to him. Otherwise, he might breathe on you.
  • There has never been a hobo mugger with the first name 'Carl'. Nobody knows why this is.
  • Since nobody in Hobopolis has much money, it is theorized that the various gangs of muggers have been passing around the same wallet for more than twenty years.
Whiteshield.gif 900 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 3000 Initiative +300%
Ganger.gif Nicesword.gif 375 This monster is a Fish ganger
  • The second most common cause of death among gangers is accidentally inhaling clouds of spraypaint while attempting to graffiti-tag their territory.
  • The Seaside Town Theatre production of West Reef Story was cancelled when it was discovered that gangers cannot snap their fingers.
  • Gangers have an extremely bitter flavor, and are not suitable for cooking. They have 99 problems, but a bisque ain't one.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +100%
Garbagetourist.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is an Elemental garbage tourist
  • Occasionally, the rats that worship this woman go to war with another band of rats that worship a similar but different garbage person on the other side of the park. Tickets are sold, and it's quite the spectacle.
  • I would describe the sad fate of these people as being that they eventually get swept away by janitors and dumped with the rest of the garbage, except the dump is right here and there aren't really any janitors, so nothing much actually happens to them.
  • Oh my gosh -- what if all the garbage here is people? What if there's some kind of giant conspiracy that I'm already too bored to think about in more detail?
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 100 Never wins initiative
Gargantulihc.gif Nicesword.gif 71 This monster is Undead gargantulihc
  • Despite its size and power, the gargantulihc is not the leader of the various lihces that live in the Cyrpt -- even in undeath, wizards are highly individualistic, and don't respond well to authority.
  • The gargantulihc is believed to be the undead form of the famous sauceror Malvolekian Saunders, who is commonly credited with the invention of the Saucestorm spell (though historians dispute this, and the Wizard's Patent Office didn't yet exist).
  • The gargantulihc's size is not necessarily related to its magical prowess. Malvolekian Saunders had an unusually large head, due to a misfired intelligence-enhancing spell.
Whiteshield.gif 65 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +60%
Angel.gif Nicesword.gif 145 This monster is Weird Gathering of Angels?
  • The only adventurer to sail away with the angels(?), a turtle tamer named Kilroy, was never seen again.
  • The angels(?)' wings are actually their olfactory organs. That's why they don't have any noses.
  • The angels(?)' starship has the word "Jefferson" engraved on it. Scientists who studied the ship say it appears to be built on rock and roll.
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +60%
Cleanpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Pirate gaudy pirate
  • Gaudy pirates' highest fashion aspiration is to be mistaken for a disco ball.
  • Gaudy pirates are frequently overrun by herds of ferrets desperate to harvest their shiny objects.
  • Some gaudy pirates have taken to keeping a few ferrets as pets, to hide the shiny accouterments where other ferrets can't find them.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Ghuol skinny.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is Undead gaunt ghuol
  • A ghuol's favorite part of a dead body is the earlobes, preferably the unattached sort. But they'll pretty much eat anything you give 'em, so long as it's dead.
  • Perhaps it's your distorted ideas of body image that make you call the ghuol gaunt. Maybe it's perfectly healthy and just works out a lot, okay?
  • Given the unsavory reality of ghuol diets, a bunch of gaunt ghuols rapidly become a much smaller number of perfectly well-fed ghuols.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Gelcube.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is a Slime gelatinous cube
  • Gelatin packets
    Are made out of horses' hooves
    Yum, yum, let's dig in.
  • Gelatinous cube
    Expands to fit any space
    There is always room.
  • Weapons, armor, bones
    Like grapes in Jell-o salad
    Remain suspended.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 6 Initiative +50%
Duckgeneric.gif Nicesword.gif 167 This monster is a Beast generic duck
  • The generic duck has all the cleaning power of a brand-name duck, at a fraction of the price!
  • Look, all ducks do not look the same, okay? That's species-ist. This duck has a name, and its name is Reginald Von Quacksmont.
  • When we say "giant ducks," we mean giant for a duck, not, like, the size of a school bus.
Whiteshield.gif 154 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +40%
Genie mad.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elemental Genie
  • Genies are air elementals from... wait, or are they the fire ones? Is that efreetis? I think efreetis are the fire elementals and genies are the air ones. Unless they're water...
  • Living inside a bottle isn't very comfortable, but if you'd seen what rents were like in ancient Baghdad you'd totally get it.
  • Here's a secret: traditionally, you CAN wish for more wishes, but you can only use the extra wishes to wish for noogies and/or swirlies.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20000 Never wins initiative
Merkinballer2.gif Nicesword.gif 1200 This monster is a Mer-Kin Georgepaul, the Balldodger
  • The Mer-kin dodgeball weighs about 2 stone, or 24 pounds, or some indeterminate number of kilograms. Look, I went through the American public school system, okay?
  • Mer-kin Balldodgers can dodge so quickly that their tail fins break the sound barrier, making tiny sonic booms underwater.
  • But, y'know, sound travels more slowly through water, so that's not a big deal (American public school system).
Whiteshield.gif 1150 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1400 Initiative +100%
Smoochboss1.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude Geve Smimmons
  • 'SMOOCH' is coincidentally also a common acronym for "Seek More Obvious Operational Choices, Hasslehoff".
  • Rumors that he had his tongue replaced with that of an okapi were almost certainly started by Geve Smimmons.
  • Those aren't real bat wings.
Whiteshield.gif 240 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +150%
Phantom.gif Nicesword.gif 110 This monster is Undead ghastly organist
  • The ghastly organist pulls out all the stops when he plays, both figuratively and literally.
  • The ghastly organist's favorite pipe is the one he keeps hidden behind the organ's keyboard, for between-set smokes.
  • The ghastly organist's mask only covers half of his face, but when he takes it off, at least 75% of his face is all messed up. We're not sure how that works.
Whiteshield.gif 99 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Cvghost.gif Nicesword.gif 75 This monster is Undead ghost
  • These pesky creatures are actually the ghosts of stomped-on Goombas, which explains why there's always so many of them. Why, you're probably partially at fault yourself!
  • These ghosts don't drop red pixels because the red pixels are used for the fire, and burn off before they can be collected.
  • Don't forget to whip the candles! The little flames are actually ghost eggs!
Whiteshield.gif 67 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +50%
Spelghost.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is Undead ghost
  • Nobody knows what the ghost is the ghost of. It's not shaped like anything anybody recognizes.
  • The ghost's only job is to chase spelunkers, but it does some work as a jeweler on the side.
  • The ghost enjoys hot lava baths, but his doctor said not to spend more than 10 or 15 minutes in lava at a stretch.
Whiteshield.gif 70 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Never wins initiative
Ghostactor.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead ghost actor
  • Most ghosts smell like farts. Like real sulphurous hard-boiled egg farts.
  • The ghosts that don't smell like farts all smell like polyurethane.
  • When polyurethane was first invented, people refused to make anything out of it because they assumed it was haunted. Because of the smell.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Ghostminer.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is Undead ghost miner
  • The ghost miner used to live in a cabin in a canyon, but after his daughter drowned, he moved into the mine and worked until he died.
  • Truly bad-ass miners use the eerie light given off by ghost miners to enable them to mine ever deeper into a mountain. And hey, the more guys they lose, the more light the ones left have.
  • The ghost miner's mattock is actually the ghost of an axe that died in a completely different mine.
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 31 Initiative +50%
Elizabeth.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead ghost of Elizabeth Spookyraven
  • Elizabeth wasn't the most well-adjusted child. Her taste in art ran to the macabre, and she was always decapitating her dollies.
  • Most of Stephen's pets are officially listed as dying of "natural causes." That's because the Spookyraven veterinarian considered Elizabeth a natural cause.
  • Granted, given that her parents were probably at least first cousins, she's got an excuse or two.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Fernghost.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead Ghost of Fernswarthy's Grandfather
  • Fernswarthy's grandfather could turn lead into paint and gasoline.
  • Fernswarthy's grandfather's greatest trick was convincing the world that he didn't exist. That or the thing with the linking rings.
  • Fernswarthy's grandfather wasn't really in the Klan - that's just a wizard's hat seen in outline. But he was kinda racist, I guess. Still, he meant well.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +70%
Worker.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is Undead ghostly pickle factory worker
  • The ghostly pickle factory worker is a member of the Ghostly Pickle Workers Local 101. They specify the maximum weight and length of the chains a ghost must be compelled to wear.
  • Working in a pickle factory sounds like fun, sure, but trust me; it's no picnic to always have your fingers smell like vinegar.
  • You may think pickle factory workers got a raw dill in life, but it's a sweet gig, and they earn their bread 'n' butter.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +70%
Adv spooky1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Ghostpuncher
  • You might not think that there'd be a lot of call for ghost exterminators, but... wait, of course you would, you kill skeletons for a living.
  • Considering the number of people and animals that have died over the years, there are probably several ghosts near you right now. Maybe even rubbing up against you.
  • The ghostpunchers originally experimented with ranged weaponry to fight ghosts, but they decided it wasn't as viscerally satisfying.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Fr ghoulking.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Humanoid Ghoul King
  • There is no such thing as a Sasquatch.
  • Even if there was any such thing as a Sasquatch, LyleCo definitely did not capture one last year.
  • Even if there was any such thing as a Sasquatch, and even if LyleCo did capture one last year, there is absolutely no truth to the allegation that they dressed the Sasquatch up as a ghoul and locked it in a catacomb in one of their theme parks.
Whiteshield.gif 400 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 700 Never wins initiative
Ghuol reg.gif Nicesword.gif 19 This monster is Undead ghuol
  • Ghuols need to eat at least one cadaver a day to stay alive, and one apple a day to keep the doctor away.
  • Ghuols can go out in the daytime, but prefer to stay inside playing video games. I know that feel, man.
  • Ghuol whelps take an adventurer's lifetime to mature, which is why you never see a ghuol whelp turn into a ghuol.
Whiteshield.gif 17 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 10 Initiative +60%
Xoblob big.gif Nicesword.gif 10000 This monster is a Slime giant amorphous blob
  • Aw jeez, and I thought that other blob was big. This is defintely the biggest, or at least tied for biggest, blob that I've ever seen. As of this writing.
  • Some people say these blobs are actually invaders from space. Of course, some people say you shouldn't put ketchup on a hot dog. Some people say all kinds of things.
  • I wonder why these blobs are so into Xs and Os. They should get some more variety in there. Like an S, or maybe a nice R once in a while.
Whiteshield.gif 9000 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20000 Initiative +500%
Giantbee.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Bug giant bee
  • The giant bee shouldn't be able to fly, aerodynamically, but scientists are too scared to get close enough to tell it.
  • The giant bee makes just about as much honey as a normal bee does. So it's big, but incredibly lazy.
  • The giant bee's stinger is so big that it's pretty blunt on the business end. That's okay, though, because it just shoves it through things harder to compensate.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Pterodactyl.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Beast giant bird-creature
  • Since this creature is only known from ancient tales of legend and a couple rare and fragmentary fossils, very little is known about it.
  • In fact, some paleontogogists dispute that this creature even existed at all, and claim that the fossils actually belong to an extinct creature known as the Megachicken.
  • Paleontologists don't tend to put much stock in what adventurers claim to have seen while having crazy ancestral memory flashbacks.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +20%
Pr crab.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Beast giant crab
  • Did you know that when hermit crabs find a new shell that's too big for them, they hang out by it until more crabs show up, then they all line up by size and everyone swaps into the next biggest shell? Look up a video, it's amazing
  • Another thing that is true about hermit crabs is that their asses are super horrible looking, and they hide them in seashells out of shame.
  • Did you know that regular human hermits also line up to swap homes whenever a larger cave is found? That's also totally true.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +50%
Globe.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Construct Giant Desktop Globe
  • This enemy is the only way to see the continent where the Distant Lands are located. Too bad it's always too busy beating you up for you to get a good look.
  • The giant desktop globe fell off the emo giant's desk when he was weeping after writing a particularly depressing poem.
  • The globe's especially heavy because it's one of those snazzy ones where all the continents are baconstone and the oceans are hamethyst.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Friedegg.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Slime giant fried egg
  • Every once in a while you get one of these with a little red blob in the middle of the yolk. People will try to tell you it's a baby chicken, but it's actually a lipstick mark, and they're just trying to cover for him.
  • Eggs are an excellent source of protein, and an even better source of bird.
  • Giant fried eggs actually have no reason to exist in this context -- everybody who would eat a hamburger with a fried egg on it is already dead of heart disease.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Pr bosscrab.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Beast giant giant crab
  • Don't forget to hit him in the weak spot for mumble dumble.
  • I bet this dude would make for some totally boss crab dip.
  • The boss crab makes 300 times the salary of the average worker crab, and it's time for all seafood to unionize.
Whiteshield.gif 80 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +50%
Centipede.gif Nicesword.gif 142 This monster is a Bug giant giant giant centipede
  • The centipede's mandibles are each 6 feet long.
  • A giant giant giant centipede can deliver up to 3 liters of venom with each bite.
  • Giant giant giant centipede legs are a delicacy in Distant Lands, but then again, almost anything gross but vaguely edible is a delicacy over there.
Whiteshield.gif 124 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 142 Initiative +50%
Moth.gif Nicesword.gif 16 This monster is a Bug giant giant moth
  • Giant giant moths don't eat holes in clothing, but their larvae do. Only the giants in the Castle in the Clouds in the Sky have clothes big enough to provide a good meal, though.
  • The giant giant moth sometimes crashes into the highly polished Council of Loathing dome, mistaking it for one of the moons.
  • A giant giant moth once crashed into one of the moons, too, mistaking it for the highly polished Council of Loathing dome.
Whiteshield.gif 14 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 11 Initiative +60%
Isopod.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Bug giant isopod
  • Isopods can hold up to 32 gb of music.
  • Scientists from the Palindome are campaigning to have the creature's name officially changed to "disoposid."
  • Isopods are considered adorable good-luck charms in Distant Lands. Because of course they are.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +10%
Python.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Beast giant jungle python
  • The giant jungle python unhinges its jaw to swallow its prey whole. So it's a lot like my Uncle Murray at the buffet table.
  • The giant jungle python can squeeze harder than a douchebag giving a firm handshake.
  • The giant jungle python's only natural predator is the boaraffe, which is big enough to choke the python if swallowed.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +40%
Giantleech.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug giant leech
  • Imagine if leeches looked like tiny kittens instead of black worms. I bet you'd be okay with them sticking to you and drinking your blood then.
  • Now that I think about it, a kitten with a round leech mouth would be pretty horrible looking I guess.
  • When I was little, I liked to play a game where you crawl head-first into a sleeping bag, then try to turn around and crawl back out. It got less fun as I got older.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Bath whale.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Fish giant man-eating shark
  • Shark skeletons are made out of cartilage, just like the tip of your nose and the hard parts in your ear. Your face is partly made out of sharks!
  • Shark's teeth are serrated, which makes them handy for cutting bread. But only the most badass of bakers have a shark's tooth bread knife.
  • Most sharks are born with only one row of teeth, but augment by stealing shark-tooth necklaces from douchebag surfers.
Whiteshield.gif 120 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +500%
Manyspiders.gif Nicesword.gif 36 This monster is a Bug giant mob of baby spiders
  • Every person eats a pound of spiders in their lifetime. Don't eat the baby ones, though--they're so light, it takes way more of them to make a pound.
  • Baby spiders really benefit from a stable home environment with two parents.
  • Children of black widow spiders frequently end up with serious psychological problems.
Whiteshield.gif 31 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 37 Initiative +50%
Giantskeeter.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug giant mosquito
  • Giant mosquitos can be taught to make leather belts.
  • Training mosquitos to fence used to be a popular gambling sport, before it was outlawed.
  • If you make a giant mosquito laugh at the wrong time, blood goes everywhere.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Watertentacle.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Fish giant octopus
  • The giant octopus can stuff itself into an opening smaller than a tin can. So, y'know, keep your pants on around him.
  • The giant octopus is smarter than most adventurers. Not that I'm saying you're dumb. It's just the octopus is really smart.
  • The plural of "octopus" is "octopuses," not "octopi," because it's not a Latin word. Knowing that will not make you any happier, though, trust me.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +80%
Tweezers.gif Nicesword.gif 16 This monster is a Construct giant pair of tweezers
  • No, they don't taste like cherry. You're thinking of "twizzlers".
  • The nose-hairs pulled by these tweezers are large enough to be used as rope.
  • I hope you didn't lick that rope.
Whiteshield.gif 14 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +60%
Rubberspider.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Bug giant rubber spider
  • The webs of giant rubber spiders are harvested and used to make badminton rackets.
  • Spiders are not technically insects, but you'd sound like a real dork if you tried to explain that to somebody.
  • The only natural predator of the giant rubber spider is the even bigger rubber old woman.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Sandworm.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is a Bug giant sandworm
  • Giant sandworms are one of the few species of worm that have teeth, which is just as well -- if regular earthworms had teeth, they'd be too small to use as knives.
  • Giant sandworms are apparently a vital aspect of the process by which spice melange is created, but that process is either utterly baffling, or never adequately explained, or both.
  • A bottle of mezcal large enough to accomodate one of these sandworms would be taller than the tallest known skyscraper, and contain enough alcohol to get everyone in the country completely hammered.
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +60%
Giantskel.gif Nicesword.gif 71 This monster is Undead giant skeelton
  • Each of the skeelton's hands has ten fingers on it (not pictured).
  • You can't really tell it from the picture, but the skeelton has three rows of teeth. No one's sure how the middle one is attached.
  • The proper plural of "patella" is "patellae," or possibly "paella."
Whiteshield.gif 65 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +60%
Tarantula.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Bug giant spider
  • The giant spiders are the great-great-great-great-granddaddy-longlegs of the spiders in the modern Sleazy Back Alley.
  • Giant spiders are no more poisonous than small spiders, but they do have lots more of the poison to spread around.
  • Giant spiders are delicious when battered and deep fried, much like everything else.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +60%
Giantsquid.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is a Fish giant squid
  • Even a cooked piece of squid meat can shoot spermatophores all up in your mouth and get your face pregnant with squid-babies. I recommend steering clear of anything with weaponized genitalia.
  • Squid ink is rich in anti-oxidants, and tastes pretty good with milk and sugar. Replace your morning coffee!
  • Squids have eight arms and two tentacles, which makes them part octopus, part hentai nightmare.
Whiteshield.gif 405 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +75%
Whelps3.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead giant swarm of ghuol whelps
  • Ghuol whelps take 150 years to mature into ghuols.
  • Some of them, of course, never mature, and just live in their parents' basements playing role-playing games.
  • Ghuol whelps can skeletonize a cow in under five minutes. But the cow has to be dead already, so it's not that big a deal.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +300%
Tardigrade.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Bug giant tardigrade
  • Seriously, tardigrades are neat. They can survive in the vacuum of space. Can YOU?
  • Tardigrades don't have eyes, though. Having eyes is pretty dope. I'd rather have eyes than survive in the vacuum of space. It's cold and lonely out there.
  • Personally, I think "water bear" should be what you call a polar bear after his habitat melts.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Initiative +40%
Zomfish.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is Undead giant zombie goldfish
  • A goldfish's memory, contrary to popular belief, is several months long. Not that goldfish are, like, writing their memoirs or something.
  • Is there a point in a scientific career where a scientist is trying to measure goldfish memory, trying to make a fish swim a maze, and briefly regrets not taking up juggling?
  • Early carnival games had you throw a bag with a goldfish in it at a target to try and win a baseball. Fortunately, they soon figured out it worked better the other way around.
Whiteshield.gif 229 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +60%
Crimonster5.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead gift-wrapping vampire
  • Vampires also make excellent hole-punches.
  • A popular vampire party game is to try and suck the helium out of a balloon without popping it, and then do a spooky monologue about death without laughing at their squeaky voice.
  • Do vampires have to sharpen their teeth regularly? Because that would really s-- that would be really terrible.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Never wins initiative
Gbgator.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast gingerbread alligator
  • Gingerbread alligators don't make very good suitcases, unless you're a witch.
  • You can tell gingerbread alligators from gingerbread crocodiles by the way gingerbread crocodiles don't have raisins in them.
  • If you look real close, some of the gingerbread finance bros have little pink gingerbread alligators iced onto their polo shirts. I guess that's not so much a factoid about gingerbread alligators as it is about gingerbread finance bros though.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Gbconvict.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread convict
  • When he isn't working on the chain gang, they cuff his ankle to one of those big jawbreakers.
  • Weirdly, the chain is made of Lifesavers. I have no idea how they did that.
  • Once they ice those convict stripes onto a gingerbread man, they basically never come off. Marked for life.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Gbfinancebro.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread finance bro
  • Isn't it great that we have a whole industry dedicated to rewarding the worst people for being as bad as they can possibly be? Maybe 'great' isn't the word I'm looking for here.
  • Do not ask this guy to tell you how he feels about Huey Lewis & the News.
  • Buy International Steel at 28 1/2.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +150%
Gbgentry.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread gentrifier
  • When these guys move into town, look out. Soon all the sprinkles will be those little silver balls.
  • How did a gingerbread man from 150 years ago dress, anyway? Edible lace ruffles?
  • Man it's gonna be real weird when powdered wigs come back in style.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +200%
Gblawyer.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread lawyer
  • Gingerbread men can't run very fast, but fortunately for him gingerbread ambulances are also pretty slow.
  • It's a real shame how it seems sometimes like gingerbread justice is only for those who have enough dough.
  • Something something gingerbread briefs.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Gbdog.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast gingerbread mad dog
  • The gingerbread rabies vaccine discovered by Gingerbread Doctor Jonas Salk is very effective, but it's still better to be safe than sorry.
  • The gingerbread rabies vaccine is actually a syringe full of teeny-tiny gingerbread toy soldiers that go in your bloodstream to fight the virus.
  • Gingerbread rabies is notable for being the only virus that causes a cookie to ice itself.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Gingermaw.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Horror gingerbread maw
  • Nobody is sure if these things start out as entire gingerbread men and sink into the reef, or if they're just faces that emerge spontaneously.
  • So far, no scientists have either cared or been brave enough to investigate that mystery further.
  • An unrelated bit of trivia: "Gingerbread Man" is short for "Gingerbread Manfred" -- that was the first gingerbread man's name.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +100%
Gbmugger.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread mugger
  • Sometimes I feel like I've been mugged by cookies, but it's usually after like a half a box or so.
  • Girl Scouts are sometimes a little aggressive about their cookie sales, but that doesn't qualify them as muggers. Don't call the cops.
  • The term 'mugger' comes from punching someone in their 'mug', or face. You don't have to use a coffee cup.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +150%
Gingerbreadman.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Construct gingerbread murderer
  • Man is the most dangerous animal, and the logical extension of this is that a cookie shaped like a man is the most dangerous cookie.
  • The Guinness world record for "toughest cookie" is held not by a gingerbread man, but by a puck of leather with the word "cookie" stamped on it. Many people contest the validity of this record.
  • Murder is only a crime if you don't get caught.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Gbmutant.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread mutant
  • They may look monstrous on the outside, but on the inside they're just like other gingerbread people. Like, literally. They're all made of gingerbread.
  • When baking cookies, please follow the recipe carefully and don't make risky substitutions.
  • No, look, you just can't make white chocolate icing by putting bleach in regular chocolate icing. It doesn't work like that.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +150%
Gbpigeon.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast gingerbread pigeon
  • Yes, gingerbread pigeons are vicious cannibals. I mean, of course they are.
  • Not that I should have to tell you not to eat a gingerbread pigeon, but just in case: that attractive oily rainbow sheen is just literally oil.
  • Lcike real pigeons, they bob their heads when they walk because the leg gear train is connected directly to the neck.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Gbrat.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast gingerbread rat
  • Gingerbread rat recipe hint: Slice gummi worms in half lengthwise for tails.
  • Gingerbread rat recipe hint 2: M&M nose. Your choice of color!
  • Gingerbread rat recipe hint 3: Whiskers? Steel street-sweeper bristles.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Gbtechbro.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread tech bro
  • For all that's holy, don't ask him what his favorite Linux distro is.
  • You should also not ask him about the creepy Guy Fawkes mask hanging over his desk.
  • And probably don't ask him about what video games he's playing recently, either. In fact there's basically nothing you should talk to this guy about.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Gbvagrant.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread vagrant
  • Imagine what a gingerbread man would look like if it fell off the plate and you had to fish it out from under the fridge. That's this guy.
  • Alternately, imagine a cookie version of Senor Cardgage, wearing a filth-encrusted fedora.
  • He lost his life savings when the cookie stock market crashed (someone accidentally bumped the table and it fell over).
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +150%
Gbvigilante.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread vigilante
  • Don't call him the Gingerbatman. He hates that. Also we might get gingersued.
  • You might think the cops would be tired of finding crooks tied up with licorice outside the police station all the time, but they aren't -- because licorice is delicious.
  • You know he's a good guy because he refuses to use guns. Although, I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as a functioning gingerbread gun.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Gbwelder.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct gingerbread welder robot
  • Is a gingerbread robot just a gingerbread man but more squarish? Or is it like a gingerbread man that's been stamped out of metal?
  • Gingerbread welding is the best-smelling kind of welding.
  • Wait, what do they use for the wiring inside a gingerbread robot? Red vines? Does that work?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +200%
Gbwino.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude gingerbread wino
  • What do you get if you cross an elephant with a wino? Elmer Fudd telling you a dumb old joke.
  • He's not really as drunk as he seems, because all the alcohol cooks off in the baking.
  • This fight would be entirely different if brownie men were a thing.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Gladiator.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Gladiator
  • Gladiators love their job because they're basically the sports stars of the ancient world, with all the perks and decadence that implies.
  • Gladiators are experts at the trident, the dragnet, and the spearmint.
  • Only one thing can bring a gladiator down, and that's that dumb knock-knock joke.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +20%
Pr glassjack.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Construct Glass Jack Hummel
  • Glass Jack Hummel is your grandmother's second-favorite pirate.
  • Her favorite pirate is... well... It's better if you don't know his name. Wouldn't want Grandpa to get jealous.
  • You don't want to upset him, because he is definitely your real Grandpa. That much is 100% certain.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +50%
Juiceglass.gif Nicesword.gif 220 This monster is a Hippy Glass of Orange Juice
  • The Glass of Orange Juice is unexpectedly famous -- chances are good that you know someone who knows someone who has met him. Oddly, this increases the likelihood that he doesn't actually exist. Is your mind blown yet?
  • The details of how this hippy actually came to be transformed into a glass of orange juice are vague, but it's generally agreed that if you're going to buy your stuff from an elderly gypsy woman, you should be sure to pay your tab promptly.
  • Please don't tell the Glass of Orange Juice that he's been pasturized, or is in any way less than organic. It would probably be more than he could take.
Whiteshield.gif 198 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 350 Initiative +100%
Wood hot.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct glowing ash house
  • Ash is not only a clean-burning wood, it's also an awesome first name for your son.
  • Ashlynn, however, is more of a stripper name than an awesome name.
  • Ashley is somewhere in between.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Ghuol fat.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is Undead gluttonous ghuol
  • Ghuols really tend to put on weight in the face area.
  • Q: What did the ghuol do on Saturday night? A: He went on a date with his ghuolfriend.
  • Q: What did the ghuol do on Sunday night? A: He cried, because his ghuolfriend broke up with him, citing horrible puns as the reason it didn't work out.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Gnarlgnome.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Humanoid gnarly gnome
  • There was once a gnarly gnome named Barkley. It was literally the dumbest name anything had ever had.
  • The gnarls in a gnarly gnome's flesh are abnormal skin growths caused by an abundance of free radicals.
  • In ancient times, gnomish seers would pretend to foretell the future by reading the gnarls on a gnarly gnome. The prognosis was always the same: "Things are gonna get pretty gnarly."
Whiteshield.gif 31 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Gnasgnome.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Humanoid gnasty gnome
  • The gnomes of Loathing are famous among linguists for having a unique and noticeable -- but not actually audible -- accent to their speech. This has never been adequately explained.
  • Similarly to how a human will cup their hand behind their ear to signal they are having trouble hearing you, a gnome will raise both his arms. This is because gnomes' ears are in their armpits.
  • To a gnome, almost every cookie is basically a gingerbread man.
Whiteshield.gif 31 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Gnefgnome.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Humanoid gnefarious gnome
  • The gnefarious gnome's favorite scam is the Pognzi scheme.
  • Gnefarious gnomes are purveyors of snake oil, weight-loss scams, "male enhancement," and various other forms of petty larceny.
  • Fortunately, they're easy to spot because of their freakishly long legs.
Whiteshield.gif 31 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Gng3r.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct GNG-3-R
  • The First Law of Gingerbread Robotics: A robot may not, through action or inaction, fail to be delicious.
  • Industrial frosting is mostly made of lard. Just like regular frosting. The good kind, anyway.
  • The robots may take our cookie-baking jobs, but they'll never get out cookie-eating jobs.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +300%
Dk builder.gif Nicesword.gif 10 This monster is a Humanoid Gnollish Bodybuilder
  • Gnollish Bodybuilders eat nothing but raw eggs and drink nothing but juice. Gnollish bathrooms are incredibly unpleasant places.
  • The average Gnollish Bodybuilder can lift twenty times its own body weight, and will never shut up about it.
  • Gnollish Bodybuilders enjoy dumb jokes about synonyms for muscle tone. "Got a band-aid, dude? 'Cause I'm totally CUT, bro!".
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5 Initiative +60%
Dk cross.gif Nicesword.gif 11 This monster is a Humanoid Gnollish Crossdresser
  • You're not fighting him because he's a crossdresser. Nothing wrong with that. You're fighting him because he's kind of a jerk.
  • Gnollish crossdressers have it worse than other species, because there's a lot more shaving.
  • Most Gnollish crossdressers are about a size 14, dependent on the cut and the fabric.
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 5 Initiative +60%
Dk swatter.gif Nicesword.gif 10 This monster is a Humanoid Gnollish Flyslayer
  • The flies at Degrassi Knoll are those really huge shiny noisy bluebottles, and they get seriously annoying. So, it's no surprise that some of the gnolls get a bit single-minded in hunting down and killing the bastards.
  • Gnollish flyswatters are fairly advanced fly-swatting technology, and are much more efficent for the task than your standard rolled-up magazine.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Degrassi Knoll flies like to make loud buzzing noises when you're trying to read, and also to lay their eggs in your food.
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5 Initiative +60%
Dk gearhead.gif Nicesword.gif 10 This monster is a Humanoid Gnollish Gearhead
  • Gnollish gearheads often decorate their apartments with Gnollish deer heads.
  • Gnollish gearheads like eating black licorice, because it doesn't make their hands any blacker than they already are from all the grease.
  • Gnollish gearheads refuse to wear wristwatches, because once a gear gets below a certain size, they totally don't trust it.
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5 Initiative +60%
Dk piechef.gif Nicesword.gif 13 This monster is a Humanoid Gnollish Piebaker
  • Gnoll pies aren't, strictly speaking, poisonous, but they're certainly not pleasant.
  • Gnoll pies usually have a flaky, buttery crust, the better to disguise the disgusting ingredients therein.
  • There's a schism in Gnollish Piebakers between those who bake sweet pies and those who make savory pies. One Piebaker made a chocolate and sea salt pie and got lynched.
Whiteshield.gif 11 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 6 Initiative +60%
Dk plunger.gif Nicesword.gif 13 This monster is a Humanoid Gnollish Plungermaster
  • Since the gnolls don't have running water or indoor plumbing, it's unclear why they developed plunger technology.
  • Gnolls invented plungers before they discovered the wheel or the concept of zero. Seriously, it's weird.
  • Gnolls do have toilets, but they're decorative and ceremonial.
Whiteshield.gif 11 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 6 Initiative +60%
Gnollmage.gif Nicesword.gif 11 This monster is a Humanoid Gnollish Sorceress
  • Funny, she doesn't look gnollish.
  • "Hubba Hubba" was a brand of bubble-gum that had to be pulled from the market, because every time you blew a bubble it had a nipple on it.
  • That's her hair. It just sort of does that.
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5 Initiative +60%
Dk juggler.gif Nicesword.gif 12 This monster is a Humanoid Gnollish Tirejuggler
  • The world record for tire juggling currently stands at 74 tires juggled. (Not at the same time.)
  • Amateur tire jugglers should start with bicycle tires and work their way up gradually. The steel-belted radials are for experts.
  • A gnollish tire juggler once finished his act by falling into an enormous crack that spontaneously appeared in the ground, and was never heard from again. Spectators agree that it was a pretty amazing trick.
Whiteshield.gif 10 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 6 Initiative +60%
Dk warchef.gif Nicesword.gif 14 This monster is a Humanoid Gnollish War Chef
  • A Gnollish War Chef knows three ways to kill a man with a plate of cold manicotti.
  • Every Gnollish War Chef goes through intensive training to learn what type of wine pairs well with various small firearms.
  • A Gnollish War Chef can make napalm out of Bearnaise sauce, or just make a Bearnaise sauce so rich it clogs your arteries.
Whiteshield.gif 13 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 9 Initiative +60%
Gnomester.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Humanoid Gnomester Blomester
  • Gnomester Blomester frequently claims to run Bartertown, but when asked where that is, he keeps changing the subject.
  • If you stacked a regular-sized gnome in between Gnomester and Blomester, they would look like a snowman! What fun!
  • Gnomester and Blomester are actually very nice guys, and donate most of their Thugnderdome winnings to charity. Sure, in the arena they'll try to crush your skull, but that's just business, you know?
Whiteshield.gif 31 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Gnugnome.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Humanoid gnu jack gnome
  • On a tangentially related note, sometimes things you write that seemed hilarious 8 years ago seem incredibly stupid now.
  • When the gnu jack gnome can't find any gnus to jack, he settles for guns instead. His dyslexic clientele never notices the difference.
  • A baby gnu is called a calf. You'd think since they're taller than cows, it'd be called a knee, or perhaps a gnee.
Whiteshield.gif 31 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Gourd goblin.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Goblin goblin conspirator
  • Goblins are compulsive joiners. Many have developed the self-defense mechanism of running away if someone tries to hand them a flyer.
  • The webcomic in question is MS Paint Adventures, which is the only webcomic complicated enough to satisfy someone who belongs to a dozen different secret societies.
  • How do these goblins have automatic pistols, in a world that is ostensibly medieval fantasy? It is indeed a mystery.
Whiteshield.gif 20 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +50%
Nopic.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Horror God Lobster
  • Like most arthropods, [lobsters] date from the Jurassic period, biologically so much older than mammalia that they might as well be from another planet.
  • The God Lobster dates from so long before the modern lobster, that he might as well be from another universe.
  • Melt unsalted butter over low heat, boil until the liquid turns clear, and then strain out any solids... In case you need clarified butter for any reason.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +1000%
Goldenring.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct golden ring
  • People don't give the Crimborg enough credit for the subtlety of this attack, which was actually designed to lock two of their enemies together until they go crazy and kill each other.
  • It is not actually necessary to throw this into a volcano to kill it, but that will do the trick if you happen to have a volcano handy.
  • We've got a phone here. 'Sgot a little ring.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo bone3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct goo bone
  • I don't wanna court controversy here, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say what I think: Anything shaped like a bone counts as a bone.
  • Let's say your grandpa gets a hip replacement. Would you say he no longer has a hip? No. But in fact he just has a metal thing shaped like a bone.
  • I'm not even going to give a second example, because that first example was so compelling.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo clown4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct goo clown
  • The lack of face paint actually makes these things less scary than normal clowns.
  • One thing that makes them worse, though, is that they're not vulnerable to blasts of seltzer.
  • And don't think you can defeat one with a pie in the face. Adding solid mass just makes them larger.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo grid6.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct goo grid
  • Grey goo seems to respond to fluctuations in magical energy the way that iron filings respond to fluctuations in a magnetic field.
  • Based on this, scientists have concluded that grey goo is made of a heretofore-undiscovered isotope of iron.
  • This conclusion was formally drafted at 3pm on a Friday, and was not backed up with a significant amount of evidence.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo stalk5.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct goo-covered beanstalk segment
  • At a microscopic level, all plants are just hardened slime.
  • Seriously, just take any part of plant and mess with it for a while.
  • Squeeze an apple for a week? Slime. Stomp on a pile of leaves? Slime. Slice a tree trunk into slabs, build a house out of them and then live in it for decades? Slime.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goog3.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Construct goog
  • The grey goo was first discovered by a Santa at NASA.
  • The Santa's observations were later indepedently confirmed by a lad named E. Mandala.
  • E. Mandala eventually lost interest when he was distracted by a glass container filled with fish meat. He was a nut for a jar of tuna.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Never wins initiative
Goomba.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Beast Goomba
  • Goombas are closely related to the various mushroom fairies that exist throughout the Kingdom; their lack of wings and inability to walk in other than a straight line contributes greatly to their general grumpiness.
  • Being one of the 8-bit Realm's most instantly recognizable unit of cannon-fodder has done little to improve the Goomba's demeanor. Check out those angry eyebrows!
  • Never refer to a Mob Penguin as a "Goomba". Most of them don't play video games, and won't understand the reference.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15 Initiative +60%
Goosealaying.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct goose a-laying
  • These are leftover from when the Crimborg used to call themselves the "Eastborg".
  • They stopped calling themselves the "Eastborg" because people kept asking them "east of where?"
  • Don't even ask about the "Borgween". I also want to point out that we missed the opportunity to call this a "goose a-flaying".
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
1 4a.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Demon Gorgolok, the Demonic Hellseal
  • At this point, Gorgolok's about 90% demon, 10% seal.
  • Demonic hellseals have a rough life, as there aren't any demonic penguins for them to eat.
  • Tamer demonic hellseals perform twice daily in the marine wildlife show at the marine theme park of the damned in Hey Deze.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +100%
1 1.gif Nicesword.gif 27 This monster is a Demon Gorgolok, the Infernal Seal
  • Gorgolok's name is from the ancient language of the frigid northlands, and translates roughly to "Run, you idiot!"
  • Gorgolok's temperament is worsened by the fact that a seal clubber stole his bucket long ago, and he wants it back.
  • Gorgolok worked briefly as a Crimbo seal before giving into his evil destiny.
Whiteshield.gif 24 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +60%
1 2.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Demon Gorgolok, the Infernal Seal
  • Gorgolok went to great pains to learn English, because banter is a vital part of every evil villain's aresenal.
  • Unexpectedly, Gorgolok's favorite color is robin's egg blue.
  • Gorgolok has sired uncountable numbers of children -- in fact it's quite likely that any given hellseal you encounter is probably related to him. It's kind of like that Charlemagne thing, only not exactly.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +80%
1 3.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is a Demon Gorgolok, the Infernal Seal
  • Gorgolok's horns are made of compressed hair. Oddly enough, his hair is made of bone.
  • Gorgolok's infernal seal oil is sought after by merchants who make self-lighting lamps.
  • Gorgolok's fangs are just long enough to give him a little bit of a lisp, which makes his doom-y proclamations all the more comical.
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 260 Initiative +90%
Giant goth.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Humanoid Goth Giant
  • The Goth Giant's favorite band is She Stubbed My Soul.
  • Although when he's particularly depressed, only the icy synths of Sanguinatus Luciferi will do.
  • Ironically, Goth Giants tend to avoid going outside in the rain, since it makes their mascara run.
Whiteshield.gif 117 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +40%
Gourami.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Fish gourmet gourami
  • Gourmet gourami are themselves a delicacy for the larger gourmet gar.
  • Gourmet gourami oil is a delicacy in Distant Lands, prized for its unpleasant odor and texture.
  • Most adventurers use the oil only topically, to increase their speed in combat.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +30%
Gov agent.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Government agent
  • This government guy is actually from the Department of Fish and Wildlife, he just happened to be in the area.
  • The Department of Fish and Wildlife is issued tasers because prairie dogs are real jerks.
  • To file a complaint against an agent of the Department of Fish and Wildlife, just fill out Form 23/w and staple it to a nearby bear.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +25%
Vwgovt.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude government bureaucrat
  • You can't spell 'bureaucrat' without 'bureau' and 80% of 'crate'.
  • Don't forget to fill out the correct paperwork after killing this guy, or he might come back to haunt you.
  • For more factoids relating to monster ID#2095, please submit release form 142b7/F.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Scientist.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude government scientist
  • The government scientist had her vocal cords removed so she could never tell anyone about her mysterious experiments.
  • I mean, she can read and write, so removing the vocal cords wouldn't really stop her from communicating. Maybe the shadowy government organization just didn't care for her singing voice.
  • The government scientist is a mad scientist, of course, but she puts science first. All of her experiments start with a mad hypothesis and go through rigorous, duplicatable mad experiments before she publishes in a mad journal.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Never wins initiative
Grannyhack.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Granny Hackleton
  • Granny Hackleton uses a wheelchair, not because she's old, but because of her war injury. She refuses to say which war.
  • Gatling guns were originally invented as a fun way to distribute candy at parades, and were converted to military use much later.
  • If you were in a wheelchair back in the times when ZERO things were wheelchair-accessible, you'd probably want a gatling gun too.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 3000 Never wins initiative
Adv stench1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Granola Barbarian
  • Granola barbarians don't believe in showering after working out, or at any other time.
  • A granola barbarian's fists are classified as deadly weapons, and a granola barbarian's fingernails are classified as a biohazard.
  • Never, ever get into a sauna with a granola barbarian.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Grasselemental.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is an Elemental Grass Elemental
  • Grass elementals found it fairly easy to hitchhike places in the 1960s.
  • Today's grass elementals are hundreds of times more powerful than the grass elementals your parents fought.
  • If there are grass elementals on the field, why not play ball with them?
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +60%
Grasspirate.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Pirate grassy pirate
  • The grassy pirate has severe allergies, so underneath that layer of grass is a layer of grass-caused welts and hives.
  • Grassy pirates shave every alternate Tuesday and mow themselves once a month.
  • The grassy pirate's biggest pet peeve is dandelions. They grow, like, twice as fast as grass and they just get everywhere.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Rober.gif Nicesword.gif 22 This monster is a Dude grave rober
  • The grave rober is a grave digger by day, so he kind of drums up business for himself.
  • I mean, it's not like the people in the graves are using that stuff anyway, right?
  • Grave Robber's Elbow is both an unfortunate medical condition and a professional wrestling move.
Whiteshield.gif 19 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 12 Initiative +80%
Zomshovel.gif Nicesword.gif 58 This monster is Undead grave rober zmobie
  • Grave rober zmobies are constantly distracted by all the shiny objects they collected when alive. They're like magpies that way.
  • Y'know, zmobies are always talking about how much they want brrraaains, but then you get a hoard of them and they start chewing on people's arms and legs and intestines. Amiright?
  • Loathing zmobies can't transmit their zmobieism through biting, only through a long and tedious written exam.
Whiteshield.gif 53 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Adv sleaze1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Grease Trapper
  • Besides the natural animal fats and oils he sells, he also makes a lot of money trapping margaraffes, oleophants, and criscougars.
  • He also does a brisk trade in rhinoceros horns, but the less said about that the better.
  • In case you ever wondered where Farmer McMillicancuddy got that drum of Whackin' Grease -- yeah, it was this guy.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Duckgreasy.gif Nicesword.gif 173 This monster is a Beast greasy duck
  • Greased ducks are frequently used in greased-duck-catching contests at rural county fairs. Just about anything can be entertaining, if you're sufficiently bored.
  • You might expect a greased duck to be faster than a regular one, but you would be incorrect.
  • A greased duck is so incredibly water-resistant, flocks of them have been known to cause rainstorms to ricochet to a distance of several miles.
Whiteshield.gif 162 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +70%
Wolfoftheair.gif Nicesword.gif 1200 This monster is a Beast Great Wolf of the Air
  • The Great Wolf of the Air sometimes tries to dress up in sheep's clothing, but he's not fooling anybody with those big wings sticking out.
  • The Great Wolf of the Air would have absolutely no trouble blowing down a house, no matter what it was made of. He has bunker-busters.
  • The Great Wolf of the Air has an extremely popular line of sweatshirts featuring his likeness and a big moon.
Whiteshield.gif 1200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5000 Always wins initiative
Warhipgr.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Hippy Green Ops Soldier
  • If you carefully examine the cloud of smoke surrounding a Green Ops soldier, you can see tendrils of sticky purple smoke amongst the green.
  • Most Green Ops soldiers are recruited from the glaucoma wards of hospitals.
  • Green Ops don't carry rations, because they've been rigorously trained to scavenge Pop-Tarts while in the field.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +100%
Gregdagreasy.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude Greg Dagreasy
  • Seriously, put some shoes on if you're gonna raid Dracula's haunted castle. That place is a huge tetanus factory.
  • Greg is particularly notable for having the superpower "doesn't suck at jumping".
  • Back when color palettes were more limited, it was much easier to buy pants that match your bandanna.
Whiteshield.gif 300 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +250%
Goo bat4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo bat
  • Since grey goo doesn't seem to be affected by gravity, the wings on these things are pretty pointless.
  • Come to to think of it, why is this even shaped like a bat? What advantage does that confer to the goo?
  • Why would it even be divided up into discrete sections? Why wouldn't it just be one giant blob. I'm beginning to think this whole thing is just made up.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo plus.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo cross
  • Goo cross is the worst extreme sport.
  • It's just a bunch of motorcycles pointlessly spinning their wheels in puddles of slime. There's no rule for when it ends. It just goes on and on.
  • The longer it lasts, the worse it gets, because more and more Red Bull gets spilled into the slime puddles.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo heart.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo heart
  • Scientists have speculated about the existence of grey goo clubs, diamonds, and spades.
  • They assume that the clubs are dangerous, because all grey goo is dangerous. They assume that the diamonds are valuable, because all DIAMONDS are valuable.
  • Nobody has any idea what the spades might do. More investigation is required.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo hexagon.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo hexagon
  • The popular cleaning product Goo Gone is made out of a substance extracted from these things.
  • The name Goo Gone is a shortened version of the phrase "goo hexagon," you see.
  • They added the E at the end so they wouldn't get sued by the grey goo.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo hourglass.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo hourglass
  • This thing doesn't actually work as an hourglass, because the glass and the sand are made of the same stuff.
  • Actually, normal glass and normal sand are made of the same stuff.
  • Let's just say that normal hourglasses also don't work, to avoid having to come up with an alternate hypothesis.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo octagon.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo octagon
  • Inside a grey goo octagon, individual units of grey goo vie for ultimate supremacy.
  • Since all individual units of grey goo are definitionally identical, the competition isn't super interesting to watch.
  • Furthermore, since the winner and the loser both get reincorporated into the seething mass of grey goo after the fight, it also isn't interesting to read about later.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo orb.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo orb
  • These things are like Everlasting Gobstoppers, except instead of layers of different colored candy, it's all just layers of grey goo.
  • You shouldn't use one of these in a game of marbles, unless you want all of your marbles to be made of grey goo.
  • As scary as this is, it's actually slightly less scary than the orb from Phantasm. - Orb Magazine, Most Intimidating Orbs of the Year, 1979
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo bigsquare.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo square
  • This is the Platonic opposite of a grey goo hip.
  • Actually, is there any such thing as a Platonic opposite? It sounded pretty natural when I said it.
  • EDITOR'S NOTE: The claim that there is any such thing as a Platonic opposite is the Platonic opposite of the truth.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo s.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo squiggle
  • The squiggle is the least dignified shape.
  • Just look at it. Can't commit to a straight line, can't commit to a consistent curvature.
  • Take a hike, squiggle. And don't come back.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo star.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo star
  • Somebody once told me that the star is the most dangerous shape.
  • She was looking at a list of every shape, so I'm inclined to trust her.
  • Well, the years between then and now and then have not changed my mind. That lady knew her shapes!
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo torus.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo torus
  • Mathematicians argue about whether the torus was invented or discovered.
  • Many of them use donuts as an argument for the former.
  • Their detractors insist that that they are just using that line of argument so they can trick the math department into buying them donuts.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo triangle.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey goo triangle
  • "Goo triangle" is actually an eggcorn. It comes from the German phrase "gut riangle."
  • "Gut riangle" is German for "good riangle."
  • To this day, the dastardly Germans refuse to explain what a riangle is.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Goo blin3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct grey gooblin
  • Nothing makes goo bland as effectively as forming it into the shape of a boring goblin.
  • If you mash two of these together, the goo blend results in a larger goblin.
  • Don't stare at one of these for too long, or you'll go goo blind.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Porkbun.gif Nicesword.gif 65 This monster is a Construct grinning pork bun
  • What are these things so happy about? Do they eagerly anticipate being eaten?
  • Perhaps they're really enjoying suddenly being alive, which must be a novel experience for them.
  • Other things you might find inside a steamed bun besides pork include: curry, bean paste, custard, moths, codeine, and time.
Whiteshield.gif 65 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +50%
Gritpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Pirate gritty pirate
  • Gritty pirates have to train every day to keep in extremely gritty shape. A lot of sand is involved, and you don't want to know what they use it for.
  • For some reason, no gritty pirates are ever named "Eric". Nobody knows why not, it's just never happened.
  • Ever get sand in your swimsuit at the beach? Well, pity the poor gritty pirate, because his entire life is like that
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Grizzlebear.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast grizzled bear
  • Since bears are omnivores and could eat nearly anything, it therefore follows that adventurers are delicious.
  • Bearskin rugs are popular because after fighting with one, you are probably going to want to jump up and down on it a couple of times a day for the rest of your life.
  • I dare you to eat a bear's eyeball.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Awolclown3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror grizzled rodeo clown
  • Rodeo clowning can't be learned at any of the fancy clown colleges back east.
  • You can't learn it on the streets, either. Places with streets are also too fancy.
  • If I told you the truth about where rodeo clowns from, I'd have to kill you, because you would demand that I kill you.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Surv grizzled.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude grizzled survivor
  • The most grizzled survivor ever was Butch "Razors" MacLorfindel, who is said to have personally killed more than fifty alien beasts. This is not thoroughly verified, as all they found of him was a masculine stubbly chin.
  • Survivors of the Elfpocalypse often suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, and are unable to reacclimate to typical elven life. Some say this is because it doesn't take much excitement to make typical elven life look mind-crushingly dull.
  • The strangest after-effect of the Elfpocalypse was that everyone involved completely forgot how to play the pan-flute. (Possibly it's just that nobody wanted to admit to being able to play a pan-flute in the first place.)
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Wingedyeti.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Beast Groar
  • At one point, a catastrophic event led to Groar's name being changed. His old name was much, much better.
  • The holes in Groar's wings make them useless for flight. He actually flies by blowing really hard at the ground.
  • Groar once had a lucrative job as the spokesmonster for popular breakfast cereal Frosted Groats. He was fired after he devoured an assistant producer.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +50%
Groast.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is Undead groast
  • Do not show a groast a potato. It will seriously flip out.
  • Carrots also infuriate groasts. Do not show a groast a carrot, either.
  • The absolute worst gift you can give to a groast is a snowman made of potatoes with a carrot for a nose. You have been warned.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +50%
Piratem.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Pirate groovy pirate
  • The groovy pirate is frequently found far out to sea.
  • The groovy pirate's political beliefs can best be described as "radical."
  • The groovy pirate's buoybottoms are great for hiding an extra ration of grog, or perhaps some sweet-smelling herbs.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Grouchewie.gif Nicesword.gif 6 This monster is a Beast grouchy furry monster
  • X-rays of the grouchy furry monster reveal a skeleton that looks weirdly like a human hand.
  • The grouchy furry monster never bathes, but it does occasionally have a carpet shampoo.
  • The grouchy furry monster's peculiar gargling cry is perfectly understood by bugbears, but baffling to everyone else.
Whiteshield.gif 6 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +50%
Groundling.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Groundling
  • The most popular theatre snack of Shakespeare's time was mince pies.
  • The theatre was popular in Shakespeare's day, but it didn't really take off until American colonists returned with popcorn.
  • If a groundling sees its shadow, it means three more weeks added to the touring schedule.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cultistgroup.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Dude group of cultists
  • The longer a cultist has been a member of the evil cult, the bigger the sleeves on his robe get.
  • The cultists had a schism a century ago over whether their dark god wanted them to wear their robes with or without a belt. The ensuing war racked up dozens of casualties, but that's organized evil religion for ya.
  • Most of the cultists aren't evil, per se -- they're dedicated husbands, fathers, and members of the community -- they just enjoy the occasional human sacrifice.
Whiteshield.gif 63 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +30%
Groupie.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Fish grouper groupie
  • Once in a while, a grouper groupie will get a tattoo of her favorite ice skate's name. The tattoo is done in squid ink, of course, and the tatto artist is a lobster, and... I'm thinking about this way too much.
  • Grouper groupies wear lipstick as a means of marking their territory, and... uh... ugh, never mind.
  • If you get some grouper groupies for your aquarium, take out the little plastic diver guy. Seriously, I'm warning you. Some things cannot be un-seen.
Whiteshield.gif 405 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +40%
Dwarf grumpy.gif Nicesword.gif 58 This monster is a Humanoid grumpy 7-Foot Dwarf
  • Well, you'd be grumpy too, if you were seven feet tall and had to work in a mine.
  • Another thing dwarves have to be grumpy about is the way their pickaxes get tangled up in their beards. (The beards aren't pictured, because then you wouldn't be able to tell if they were dwarves or giants.)
  • And yet another thing that makes dwarves grumpy is when other dwarves get plastered and sing that stupid "Hi-Ho" song. Seriously, give it a rest, it wasn't funny the first time.
Whiteshield.gif 52 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 45 Initiative +50%
Rudolph-the-Red.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast Grumpy, the Reindeer
  • Look, you'd be grumpy too, if you had to watch over all these idiot elves all the time.
  • And then on the one night you don't have to stand around the factory babysitting, you'd got a reindeer ass in your face the whole time.
  • It doesn't even pay all that well. If it weren't for the insurance plan, Grumpy'd be outta here.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Grungypirate.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Pirate grungy pirate
  • The grungy pirate prefers to wear a plaid flannel shirt instead of a pirate's shirt. Oh well, whatever. Nevermind.
  • The grungy pirate got kicked out of the pirate band for playing all the sea shanties with dropped-D power chords.
  • The grungy pirate's singing voice has been described as something between a nasal yawp and a growling grunt.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Haiku2.gif Nicesword.gif 12 This monster is a Beast Guard Bugbear
  • Guard bugbears are technically sentient, but they sure aren't acing any I.Q. tests.
  • Guard bugbears have longer claws and sharper teeth than your average bugbear.
  • The guard bugbear sharpens his ears into points for lethal headbutting prowess.
Whiteshield.gif 10 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 6 Initiative +60%
Guardturtle4.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Beast guard turtle
  • Turtles make excellent guards, partly because intruders often mistake them for rocks, and partly because you don't have to worry about them wandering very far.
  • Another reason turtles make good guards is that intruders are often so surprised by the absurdity of the situation, that the turtles get plenty of time to attack.
  • Some private security companies have experimented with attatching small guns to the top of turtle shells, to make slow-moving turrets, or "turrtlets". They're about as effective as that pun is terrible. Turtible?
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +140%
Frenchturtle.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Beast guard turtle
  • Guard turtles with red shells walk back and forth, but guard turtles with green shells can only walk in straight lines.
  • Some guard turtles have rudimentary wings that enable short bursts of flight.
  • Guard turtles don't know ninjitsu, but some of them do Zumba on their days off.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +140%
Plesio.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast gummi plesiosaur
  • The proper plural for plesiosaur is "plesiosauria."
  • Plesiosauria have walnut-sized brains. Since walnuts look just like tiny brains, fossilized plesiosaur brains are frequently mistaken for walnuts.
  • Ironically enough, plesiosauria ate brain-sized walnuts back in the day.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Gurgle.gif Nicesword.gif 125 This monster is a Beast Gurgle
  • Gurgle's ice wings can't actually lift his body off the ground--it's just floating on a mass of sentient-water mist particles.
  • Gurgle's icy breath is actually colder than ice, and way cooler than being cool.
  • Gurgle is, like an ice baby, too cold.
Whiteshield.gif 115 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 280 Initiative +60%
Animturtle.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Gurgle the Turgle
  • They gave the turtle the washboard, because turtles aren't even musical enough to play the triangle.
  • Disguising the theme park fire hydrants helps keep the patrons cheerful and not worrying about danger or accidents, and also is a fun puzzle for the firemen.
  • Turtles are very slow, but do you know what isn't slow? Dysentery.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Beeguy.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Horror Guy Made Of Bees
  • The honey made by the Guy made of Bees is a potent hallucinogen.
  • The Guy made of Bees still harbors murderous rage for his father, who is disappointed he's not a Guy made of A's.
  • The Guy made of Bees doesn't dance to tell himself where the food is. He just flies over to his refrigerator.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Gothic.gif Nicesword.gif 110 This monster is a Dude guy with a pitchfork, and his wife
  • The old man's pitchfork is magical; it gives snarky reviews of hipster music.
  • The old man and his wife have been married for 60 years, and happily married for at least half of that.
  • The old man and his wife can usually be found hitting up the early bird special at the Sizzler when they're not attacking adventurers.
Whiteshield.gif 99 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Initiative +50%

References

  • The ganger's third entry is a reference to the single 99 Problems.
  • The ghost miner's entry about living in a cabin in a canyon until his daughter drowned is a reference to the folk song "Oh My Darling, Clementine"
  • The gnarly gnome named Barkley is a reference to Gnarls Barkley.
  • The entry about Gorgolok having his bucket stolen is a reference to the "LOLrus" meme, which involves image macros of an elephant seal either playing with a bucket or complaining that his bucket was stolen.
  • The Grass Elemental entries about hitchhiking in the 1960s and being stronger than they were in your parents' day is a play on "grass" being a slang term for cannabis. The entry about playing ball is a play on the saying "If there's grass on the field, play ball".
  • The entries for the hat-wearing guard turtles describing ones with red shells, ones with green shells, and ones with wings reference the Koopa Troopas from the original Super Mario Bros., which came in red-shelled, green-shelled, and winged varieties. The line about them not knowing ninjutsu is a reference to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
  • The reference to hipster music in the description of the guy with a pitchfork, and his wife is a reference to the indie music review website Pitchfork.