Monster Manuel (F)

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There are 94 creatures filed under F.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Guai.gif Nicesword.gif 67 This monster is a Demon fabricator guài
  • The word "guài" literally means "freak". This particular example of one is not the strangest on record.
  • Guài are a subclass of particularly weird and evil creatures within the greater class of yaoguai, which includes more typical demons, fallen celestial beings, and fox spirits.
  • It isn't known what the triads bribed these guài with, to ensure their loyalty. Or rather, it is known, but you don't want to.
Whiteshield.gif 73 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +40%
Facworker3.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude factory overseer
  • Power ties are called that because they require electricity to work.
  • Lava is a poor conductor of electricity, but is a surprisingly good conductor of symphonies.
  • The man who invented the lava lamp went on to invent the lava ceiling fan and the lava potted plant, neither of which were as successful.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Facworker4.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Dude factory overseer
  • Lava corrupts. Absolute lava corrupts lavalutely.
  • Early heat-resistant gloves were themselves made from boiling lava.
  • Be careful -- those lava-proof pants might not be magma-proof!
Whiteshield.gif 60 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +60%
Facworker1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude factory worker
  • Regular lava lamps aren't filled with real lava, they're filled with hot oil and octopus souls.
  • The lava in these lava lamps is hot enough to cook an entire pirate.
  • The job doesn't have many benefits, but at least you get all the lava you can eat.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Facworker2.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude factory worker
  • There's no freude like schadenfreude.
  • Despite the bright red color, lava is not cherry-flavored. It is cinnamon.
  • You can make a comfortable and form-fitting stone hat by dipping your head in a bucket of cooling lava.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Badskel4.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is Undead factory-irregular skeleton
  • Skeleton factories are notoriously poorly-run. Most of the employees don't come back from their first lunch break.
  • Those employees that do rise up the ranks tend to be evil necromancer types who are not typically all that detail-oriented.
  • If you're trying to teach your kids the lyrics to Dem Bones, or if you just don't want them to get murdered, it is critical that you keep them away from these skeletons.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Archfiend.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Demon Fallen Archfiend
  • The archfiend's arched brow is made of solid, worthless gold, and makes his sarcasm 20% more withering.
  • The archfiend's favorite food is Bananas Foster. Not funny, but true.
  • The snafu that caused the archfiend's demotion involved a faulty cat o'nine tails, a loose set of restraints, and a latent peanut allergy.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +80%
Fallsfromsky.gif Nicesword.gif 700 This monster is a Beast Falls-From-Sky
  • Falls-From-Sky is unhappy to be here, but he wasn't really any happier before he got here.
  • Falls-From-Sky doesn't remember when he was born. All he remembers is a kind of a banging sound. A big one.
  • Falls-From-Sky once fell off of the rope in gym class, earning the nickname Falls-From-Rope. Falls-From-Sky's classmates were not particularly clever.
Whiteshield.gif 700 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1500 Initiative +50%
Jewels.gif Nicesword.gif 156 This monster is a Constellation Family Jewels
  • No adventurer has ever recovered a line from the family jewels; they only get stars. Somehow the process of defeating them destroys all the lines. It's weird.
  • The family jewels would cost the average adventure about 30,000 months' salary to purchase.
  • Remember, only people who don't love their fiancees spend any less than 30,000 months' salary on a gemstone.
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Kobolds.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Humanoid family of kobolds
  • Families of kobolds never attack on Thursday night, because Thursday night is game night.
  • They also never attack on Wednesday night, because Wednesday night is "Pop popcorn and watch a family movie" night.
  • Kobolds believe in family values, like "the family that eats prey together, will stay together."
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Fandancer.gif Nicesword.gif 145 This monster is a Dude fan dancer
  • The fan dancer started with small popsicle-stick-mounted fans, but now she's graduated to a set of accordion-folded fans nearly as tall as she is.
  • The fan dancer is always a little chilly, what with the skimpy costume and the constant breeze she generates.
  • Fan dancer fans call themselves "breeze-augmented choreography enthusiasts" to avoid confusion.
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 145 Initiative +150%
Fanslime.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Slime fan slime
  • I recommend offering a free shrug to everyone offering free hugs.
  • The fan slime likes to dress in costumes and play. It's a hobby known as "plostuming."
  • You probably haven't heard of the fan slime's favorite cartoons, or heard his favorite music, which is the soundtrack to those cartoons. And trust me, you're better off.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Bathslug.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Bug fancy bath slug
  • Wizards and scientists speculate that the fancy bath slug was called into existence by the creation of fancy bath salts, as the universe tried to keep itself in balance.
  • The fancy bath slug's vestigial showercap has puzzled scientists, as there is no hair beneath it.
  • In the wild, fancy bath slugs seek out natural hot springs, preferably with natural exfoliating sugar scrub springs nearby.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Fr bandit.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Dude fantasy bandit
  • Banditing doesn't pay well, but it has fringe benefits. Like if a park patron is carrying around a bag of popcorn or something.
  • It's not an easy job, but at least he doesn't have to wear one of those foam rubber mascot costumes.
  • Considering medieval life expectancy, it's probable that a lot of bandits actually were teenagers. So this might be the most realistic thing in the whole park.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +100%
Fr faerie.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Dude fantasy forest faerie
  • Real faeries are more like hornets than butterflies -- social, venomous, and aggressive predators.
  • It isn't clear why faeries look like girls with long blonde hair. High concentrations of magic do weird things to evolution.
  • One thing that the actor inadvertantly got right -- real faeries do in fact smoke clove cigarettes.
Whiteshield.gif 120 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +300%
Fr ourk.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Dude fantasy ourk
  • No, seriously, an ourk is totally different from an orc, just look at how it's spelled!
  • You aren't pronouncing it right. You gotta put more u in there. It's like an ö.
  • It isn't often that a guy built like a linebacker is interested in this sort of job, but they say you can't judge a bourk by its cover.
Whiteshield.gif 120 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +100%
Hunter5.gif Nicesword.gif 31 This monster is a Dude Father McGruber
  • Father McGruber's arsenal includes a razor-sharp throwing crucifix, a rosary garrote, and other blasphemous and not at all funny accouterments.
  • Father McGruber's most impressive superpower is the ability to justify his faith in an eternal afterlife with the existence of the Kingdom's zombies, ghosts, and demons.
  • In the confused cosmology of the Kingdom (which features both Satan and Valhallalala), Father McGruber is the only practitioner of whatever faith it is he practices.
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +50%
Hunter9.gif Nicesword.gif 81 This monster is a Dude Father Nikolai Ravonovich
  • Father Ravonovich is a member of the Guyver Clan, an ancient order of trap-builders. Most of the hippie Jerry's Riggers have ties to the Clan.
  • Father Ravonovich's traps are quite useful against the undead and door-to-door salesmen. But somehow, the religious proselytizers still get through.
  • Father Ravonovich's clerical collar is actually a set of lock-picking tools held in place with garrotte wire.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 98 Initiative +90%
Fearman.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude Fear Man
  • Fear Man's suit is as black as it is possible for a suit to be. It makes Pantone 7C look like Pantone 428.
  • Fear Man's soul is very slightly blacker than his suit.
  • I was just kidding. Fear Man doesn't have a soul.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +30%
Badvibe4.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird fear of an uncertain future
  • What if that delicious sandwich is actually made of broken glass and used teeth?
  • What if every bug you ever killed is being reanimated and collected into a horror Voltron for the sole purpose of destroying you?
  • What if my beard was made of green spinach?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +10%
Bath octopus.gif Nicesword.gif 125 This monster is a Fish fearsome giant squid
  • The only mollusc bigger than the giant squid is the colossal squid. Well, that and the "holy crap that's the biggest damn squid I've ever seen" squid.
  • This particular giant squid is actually a small plastic toy octopus brought to life by a child's imagination.
  • If you're going to bring something to life and don't have a child's imagination (or a handy child to borrow his), just channel a buttload of electricity through it and hope for the best.
Whiteshield.gif 125 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +500%
Wacken.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Beast Fearsome Wacken
  • The Wacken was regarded as a myth until it turned up and started eating people.
  • The Wacken's tentacles are strong enough to squeeze the dopeness out of the illest of rhymers.
  • The Wacken is attracted to blood in the water and dropped beats on the land.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +60%
Manyeyes.gif Nicesword.gif 53 This monster is Weird Feeling That You're Being Watched
  • The fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you -- they are after you. To put you away, for being a crazy paranoid.
  • Most of the time, when you get the feeling that someone is watching you, it turns out that it is Sting.
  • And when you look back and see a single set of footprints, those were the times when Sting was carrying you.
Whiteshield.gif 47 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +60%
Felonia.gif Nicesword.gif 75 This monster is a Plant Felonia, Queen of the Spooky Gravy Fairies
  • Queen Felonia has a 2nd-dan black belt in Slashing Your Face With a Broken Bottle-Fu.
  • Since the fall of the Spookyraven family, Felonia is regarded as the Kingdom's premier goth. Honestly, you'd be pretty gothy too if you lived in an underground cave filled with little skull-faced toadstool fairies.
  • You may find it difficult to correlate Felonia's image to the description given -- after all, what is particularly hot about a mushroom with lipstick? This is because you're seeing her without her fairy glamour, which may explain why she's so ticked off.
Whiteshield.gif 67 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +100%
Haiku2.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is a Beast Ferocious bugbear
  • Ferocious bugbears
    have serrations on their teeth
    So bite-wounds don't heal.
  • Insular bugbears
    only hang with their own kind
    Species-ist bastards.
  • Turns out bugbear dung
    Is a clean-burning fuel source,
    Just too gross to use.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5 Initiative +50%
Bath pelican.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Beast ferocious roc
  • The roc is known for its signature move, the "People's Wing."
  • The roc is the only known bird to have eyebrows, and to have one eyebrow constantly arched.
  • Some have speculated that the roc is merely a dyslexic orc, but there aren't many physical similarities to speak of.
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +500%
Ferrelf.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Horror ferrelf
  • Many ferrelves are named Will. They stare at you with their dead, dead little eyes, and are only funny about half the time.
  • If you're in a bind and need to cross a body of water, you can sometimes convince a ferrelf to take you across. (If he owns a jet-ski.)
  • If you kick a ferrelf right in the musk gland, the elf part will be really grossed out by the smell of the ferret part.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +?%
Finger.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is Weird Fickle Finger of F8
  • The fickle finger's fingerprint has grooves big enough to climb. Not that you'd want to.
  • When the fickle finger cracks its knuckles, the sound is as loud as a jackhammer on concrete.
  • The fickle finger's cuticle is the size of an entire grown man, at least until its next manicure.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Asparagus.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is Undead fiendish can of asparagus
  • Spears are called 'spears' because of their similarity to asparagus spears. The fact that they were invented by Alfred Spear is a coincidence.
  • Unicorns are nearly as attracted to people whose pee smells like asparagus as they are to virgins.
  • The largest vegetable canning factory in Loathing was built on the site of an ancient Indian burial mound. They did this because ghosts are a natural preservative, and very useful in the canning process.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +50%
Asparagus.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is Undead fiendish zombie can of asparagus
  • Actually it isn't the can that's the zombie -- it's the asparagus.
  • The asparagus drives the can around like a committee-based Gundam.
  • And since the cans are sealed, well, you'd be angry too if you and a dozen coworkers were packed in a van with the doors welded shut.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +50%
Mush flaming.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Plant fiery mushroom guy
  • All mushrooms are fireproof. This is why they are so frequently used in flambé recipes.
  • Mushrooms make excellent temporary champagne corks.
  • Mushrooms don't have souls.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +100%
Duckskate.gif Nicesword.gif 179 This monster is a Beast figure-skating duck
  • No matter how mighty they seem, ducks are terrible hockey players, because they can't really hold the sticks properly with their wings.
  • Ducks are not natural ice-skaters, but they learn quickly. Contrast this with geese, who couldn't skate to save their lives, but are fantastic basketball players.
  • Duct tape is not made from ducks. It's made by ducks, who extrude it from special glands in a similar fashion to spider silk.
Whiteshield.gif 154 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +50%
Filthworm2.gif Nicesword.gif 167 This monster is a Bug filthworm drone
  • A filthworm has to eat three times its body weight to make a mere tablespoon of disgusting green goo. It's way less efficient than my nostrils, which do it without food at all.
  • The filthworm's mandibles aren't poisonous, but they're certainly not sanitary either.
  • Filthworm goo, ironically enough, is an ingredient in many colognes and perfumes. Not any that people would ever buy, but still, cool to know.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +50%
Filthworm3.gif Nicesword.gif 169 This monster is a Bug filthworm royal guard
  • Filthworms are excellent spellers.
  • The world's longest filthworm was very long indeed!
  • Filthworms mainly live on fruit, insects, fairies, and origami.
Whiteshield.gif 152 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 190 Initiative +50%
Hippy1.gif Nicesword.gif 39 This monster is a Hippy filthy hippy
  • Filthy hippies never use soap, because soap, like, totally messes up your skin by removing its natural layer of filthy, oily gunk, man.
  • Usually the hippies wear moccasins, but many are opting to go barefoot now, because your feet are like perfectly evolutionarily designed, man, and shoes only stifle their ability to express themselves.
  • The hippy's filthy knitted dread sack is classified as a Level III environmental hazard by the Council of Loathing, which is kind of ironic, when you think about it.
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +70%
Hippy1.gif Nicesword.gif 39 This monster is a Hippy filthy hippy jewelry maker
  • Hippy jewelry makers don't use precious stones, because calling a certain type of stone precious makes the other stones feel bad.
  • Hippy jewelry makers don't need to go to a riverbank to get the clay for their beads; they just comb it out of their dreads.
  • Most of the hippy jewelry maker's beach glass is actually shards from a broken one of those glass sculptures hippies have. You know, the ones with the sweet-smelling smoke bubbling out of them?
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +70%
Hippy1.gif Nicesword.gif 39 This monster is a Hippy filthy hippy Vegan chef
  • The filthy hippy Vegan chef's most popular dish is "a bunch of fruits and vegetables sliced into small pieces," seconded by "a bunch of fruits and vegetables sliced in slightly larger pieces."
  • The Vegan chef sometimes makes a vinaigrette out of vinegar combined with oil squeezed out of his dreads.
  • Every Vegan chef longs for the day he can return to planet Vega, or the day he comes up with a recipe for Vegan croutons.
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +70%
Stinkpirate1.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Pirate filthy pirate
  • Garbage pirates are pretty angry guys, because nobody cares when they steal garbage and what's the fun of that?
  • He lost his eye in a terrible peg leg accident, made all the more terrible when you consider that his peg leg is a toilet plunger.
  • Did we do the "garrrrrrrbage" joke yet?
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 100 Never wins initiative
Adv hot1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Fire Fighter
  • Some people refer to Fire Fighters as Firemen, but that's an antiquated and incorrect term.
  • The correct name is, of course, "Fire Carriers."
  • Fire Fighters are descended from a kind of prehistoric cave dweller that discovered fire so effectively that they actually became fire.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Firetruck.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct fire truck
  • Fire trucks connect their hoses to fire hydrants, which are like water hydrants only they're full of fire.
  • The word "hydrant" have the root "hydra," meaning "multi-headed snake."
  • Fire trucks get their tires from the tire fire in Hobopolis.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Never wins initiative
Duckfirebreath.gif Nicesword.gif 177 This monster is a Beast fire-breathing duck
  • The fire-breathing duck is the only bird that can hard-boil its own eggs.
  • Fire-breathing ducks spend their spare time constructing, and then rampaging through, tiny scale models of cities.
  • Farmers in Distant Lands actually breed fire-breathing ducks to keep them warm in the wintertime.
Whiteshield.gif 154 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +50%
Fisherfish.gif Nicesword.gif 550 This monster is a Fish fisherfish
  • Fisherfish tend to be angry and aggressive due to being frustrated with themselves for constantly getting distracted by the little light hanging over their heads. (The preceding sentence was brought to you courtesy of Long & Awkward Sentences, Ltd.)
  • Mer-kin have been known to use trained fisherfish as book-lights for nighttime reading.
  • Fisherfish feed mainly on smaller fish who complain about the light because they're trying to sleep.
Whiteshield.gif 427 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 650 Initiative +100%
Stinkpirate3.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Pirate fishy pirate
  • Why would a band of pirates waste their time stealing garbage, you ask? Well, you can ask that all you want, but I don't really have an answer for you.
  • Garbage pirates are ranked by how rank they are. ...Sorry.
  • Since one man's trash is another man's treasure, these pirates are actually... uh... okay, no, it really is just garbage.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 100 Never wins initiative
Giant fitness.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Humanoid Fitness Giant
  • The fitness giant does at least 100 sit-ups before he does 100 sit-ups, and then he does 100 more.
  • The fitness giant could totally bench press you. I mean, he's a giant; even an obese out-of-shape one could bench press you. But the fitness giant would do way more reps
  • Fitness giants drink nothing but protein shakes and the only drug they get high on is life, bro (and steroids).
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +40%
Bigskeleton5.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is Undead five skeleton invaders
  • Five skeletons have a total of 1,030 bones.
  • Male and female pelvises have a number of differences. Male pelvises are taller, heavier, and thicker, like men themselves. Women's pelvises are lighter and less dense, like women.
  • Two of the skeletons in the five-skeleton group are forever high-fiving, much to the irritation of the other three.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Meatblob.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Slime flame-broiled meat blob
  • The flame-broiled meat blob is better for your arteries than a deep-fried one, but no less dangerous to the rest of your body.
  • The pre-cooked weight of a flame-broiled meat blob is about 25 pounds.
  • It's actually a myth that pan-searing your meat blob will seal in the juices. It just makes a delicious brown crust.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 2 Initiative +60%
Samurai.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Dude Flaming Samurai
  • It's not actually regular fire, just the samurai's intense fighting aura. Which is is completely indistinguishable from regular fire, except that it doesn't hurt him.
  • Don't make fun of his weird little hairstyle. He hates that.
  • If this samurai fails to defeat you, he'll probably feel compelled to commit seppuku. Of course, you'll probably end up killing him anyway, so it doesn't make much difference.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Flametroll.gif Nicesword.gif 83 This monster is a Humanoid Flaming Troll
  • The best way to fight a flaming troll is to ignore it. But the second best way to fight a flaming troll is by hitting it with heavy objects, and that's far more fun.
  • Flaming trolls used to live under bridges, but they kept burning them down, and then they had no way to assuage their regret.
  • The only thing you should feed a flaming troll is a knuckle sandwich.
Whiteshield.gif 74 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 73 Initiative +60%
Flange2.gif Nicesword.gif 159 This monster is a Constellation Flange
  • The Flange's central aperture is large enough to fit the entire Airship inside of it. Don't you feel inadequate now?
  • The Flange's two side apertures are considered off-limits by all but the most daring astronomers.
  • Astronomers in Distant Lands recognize a different constellation called the Metric Flange, which is smaller and sideways.
Whiteshield.gif 143 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Flashypirate.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Construct flashy pirate
  • This theme park character was based on a character from a movie that was based on a theme park ride that was based on... well, after that it gets complicated.
  • This ride was originally going to be old west-themed, but people complained about the robot having a dead bird on its head.
  • After the park planners gave up on the Old West idea, they considered basing this ride on the life of a famous journalist, but it turned into a hellishly intense introspective nightmare, and the idea was scrapped pretty quickly.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 150 Never wins initiative
Cvfleaman.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is a Dude fleaman
  • Fleamen, when not attacking adventurers, play some pretty solid bass guitar.
  • Fleamen don't suck blood, but they're not shy about spilling it.
  • Fleamen can jump three times their height, but they're not all that tall.
Whiteshield.gif 67 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Always wins initiative
Woodsman.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Dude fleet woodsman
  • Fleet woodsmen are known for two things: amazing prowess with woodworking, and rancorous infighting in their camps.
  • Fleet woodsmen generally keep a songbird or two as a pet.
  • Fleet woodsmen are usually filthy, because they wait for the rain to wash them clean.
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +100%
Disco flexible.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude flexible disco dancer
  • If you mix cornstarch and water in the right proportions, you'll end up with a non-Newtonian fluid.
  • If you pour that mixture into a dress, you'll end up with something very similar to this dancer.
  • If you instead pour that mixture onto a dress, you'll end up getting yelled at by a lady.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Caveelf3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf flint-scraping cave elf
  • The discovery that flint can easily be chipped into sharp edges was a major turning point for cave-elf technology, which was previously based around a handful of pebbles inside a sock.
  • Flint is good for making stone knifes, but is not recommended for toothbrushes.
  • Another thing flint is not very good for is chewing gum.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Never wins initiative
Horstray.gif Nicesword.gif 65 This monster is a Construct floating platter of hors d'oeuvres
  • Is there really any difference between dehydrated caviar and plain old dust? ...Hmm, maybe you've just been eating dust this whole time.
  • The spelling and pronunciation of the word "hors d'oeuvres" is basically a middle finger from France to the entire rest of the world.
  • Some people have wondered: if champagne is served in flutes, is a yard of ale served in an oboe? People wonder a lot of dumb things.
Whiteshield.gif 99 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 70 Never wins initiative
Fr birds.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Beast flock of every birds
  • If these birds were all seagulls, you'd have no choice but to run. You'd run so far away.
  • Being attacked by a flock of birds seems bizarre and outlandish, but remember: they're basically just small dinosaurs. I bet you can totally imagine being attacked by a flock of dinosaurs.
  • Writing these factoids is a little easier if I imagine I'm just saying stupid things on twitter.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +100%
Seagulls.gif Nicesword.gif 95 This monster is a Beast flock of seagulls
  • The average airspeed velocity is 28 mph, if it's not carrying a coconut.
  • Seagulls drink salt water, and occasionally gargle it if their throats hurt.
  • Seagulls can see infrared, which means they can't tell the difference between the remote control for your TV and a ray gun.
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Stabbats.gif Nicesword.gif 155 This monster is a Beast Flock of Stab-bats
  • The stab-bat's only natural predator is the stab-bat.
  • Stab-bats are the only mammals that have a chitinous exoskeleton, not counting your mom.
  • Stab-bat soup is a delicacy in the Palindome, only they call it "Pou Stab-bat Soup," naturally.
Whiteshield.gif 133 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 155 Initiative +90%
Fbunny.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Beast fluffy bunny
  • Rabbit meat is a little gamey, but good with peppercorns and a red wine.
  • It is always rabbit season and duck season in the Kingdom of Loathing.
  • Fluffy bunnies have a mean streak a mile wide and a furlong deep.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +50%
Gourd fnord.gif Nicesword.gif 38 This monster is a Horror Fnord the Unspeakable
  • Technically, Fnord's actual name is speakable, but you need to know all 64 letters of the alphabet, and it helps to have had your tongue surgically adjusted.
  • Did you ever read Grant Morrison's The Invisibles? You should, it's awesome.
  • [REDACTED]
Whiteshield.gif 38 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +75%
Giant foodie.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Humanoid Foodie Giant
  • Foodie giants are a little insufferable, but on occasion they produce fantastic dishes, so it's worth having one or two around.
  • Foodie giants are less popular than the Brewmaster giants, who are always making their own beer and distilling their own liquor.
  • Foodie giants will can their own organic jam made from berries they grew in their own garden, then serve it on locally-sourced toast with hand-milled grain, but with a pat of straight-up margarine on top. No accounting for taste, I guess.
Whiteshield.gif 120 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +40%
Forspirit.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is Undead forest spirit
  • Forest spirits should have listened to their mother -- she told them their face would get stuck that way.
  • Forest spirits' environmental feelings are motivated not primarily by a love of trees, but by a hatred of the word "TIMBER."
  • A forest spirit once ran back and forth across the entire breadth of Little Canadia for a period of several years. When asked why, he only replied "I have to pee."
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 3 Initiative +40%
Blankmook.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude former guard
  • The guards at Porkham Asylum have a dangerous job, but they get really good hazard pay, and all the antipsychotics they can eat.
  • Another perk of the job is that, if a guard goes insane, their surgery expenses are fully covered.
  • Porkham's guards used to be issued tranquilizer guns, but the darts had a ketamine base and too many guards shot themselves for fun.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Psychpatient.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude former inmate
  • Nearly 15% of the inmates in Porkham are there because their furniture or used car prices are craaaaaazy.
  • The next most common sort of inmate are the ones who believe they're Napoleon, Jesus, or some other historical figure, and also that that historical figure was a serial-muderer.
  • Very, very few of Porkham's inmates are actually sane people trapped in a nightmarish Catch-22 situation where they can't convince anyone they're sane because of course a crazy person would say that.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Sheriffdan.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Former Sheriff Dan Driscoll
  • Before moving to Breadwood to become the sheriff, Dan Driscoll went to one of those fancy colleges back east.
  • Between his sophomore and junior years, he fell in with a bunch of nihilists and developed a really bad attitude about basically everything.
  • His senior quote was "Hell is other people. Me, for instance."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 800 Never wins initiative
Bigskeleton4.gif Nicesword.gif 110 This monster is Undead four skeleton invaders
  • Skeletons naturally group themselves into squads of four, because it's the best number for playing cards between shifts.
  • Skeletons don't like to play dominoes, because they get homesick.
  • Skeletons can't sing, because they don't have lungs. This makes their barbershop quartets fairly disappointing.
Whiteshield.gif 99 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 110 Initiative +50%
Mime.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Horror four-shadowed mime
  • Little is known of the four-shadowed mimes. Are they mute? Or do they choose not to speak? But everyone agrees they're hella creepy.
  • Four-shadowed mimes can only injure you once you recognize the charade they're performing. So you could avoid their attacks by closing your eyes, if that wasn't a terrifying proposition.
  • The best way to trap a four-shadowed mime is in an imaginary box. So, if you have some of those lying around, you're golden.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Artteacher.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude François Verte, Art Teacher
  • Mr. Verte's actual name is Frank Green, but he changed it to sound more exotic.
  • Mr. Verte has never actually produced any works of art, but he can definitely tell you how much yours sucks.
  • Mr. Verte dreams of discovering a famous artist, nurturing the young person's talent, and then having the kid die young so all of his art is worth more.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Warfrata.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is an Orc Frat Warrior drill sergeant
  • Frat Warrior drill sergeants frequently get toenail fungus from having their boots cleaned with nothing but spit. Glamorous!
  • Most Frat Warrior drill sergeants can do a maximum of ten push-ups, but regularly order recruits to give 'em twenty.
  • Don't listen to the insults the Frat Warrior drill sergeant spews about your mom. Odds are, he's never met the lady.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +60%
Mush freaked.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Plant freaked-out mushroom guy
  • Your shoelaces are not a butterfly.
  • Certain kinds of trees cannot be trusted.
  • Stay out of the middle hexagon.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +75%
Bonefish.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Fish freshwater bonefish
  • The bony protrusions on the freshwater bonefish aren't tipped with poison, because that'd be overkill.
  • The bonefish's only natural predator is the cartoon alley cat.
  • Bonefish eat anything that gets shish kabobbed on their spikes.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Frog.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is a Beast frog
  • Frogs can breathe through their skin, which I bet would feel really weird if you could do it.
  • Frog baseball is a popular sport among juvenile delinquents, but unfortunately most frogs can't hold up to a full nine innings.
  • Frogs are a popular candidate for science-class dissections, because if your frog contains a Golden Ticket, you win a free trip to the National Science Museum for your entire class!
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 3 Never wins initiative
Frontwinder.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast frontwinder
  • A hollowed-out snake makes a good thermos for your sausages.
  • Or a flute cozy. That would work too.
  • The earliest staple removers were just snake skulls.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +100%
Frosty.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is an Elemental Frosty
  • The magic isn't actually in the top hat -- it's in the carrot. Carrots are very sensitive to the presence of hats, particularly silk ones.
  • Frosty is related to the Ninja Snowmen of Mt. McLargehuge, but only by marriage.
  • Some people say that Frosty is actually an amalgamation of all the ghosts of people who died in avalanches, skiing accidents, and so on. Those people are wrong, he's just an asshole snowman.
Whiteshield.gif 450 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 350 Initiative +200%
Straw cold.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct frosty straw house
  • The little pigs who live in the frosty straw house have a thick coat of bristly fur to protect them from the cold.
  • The bacon made out of pigs who live in frosty straw houses is always fresh, but awfully hard to defrost.
  • The pigs who live in the frost straw house make smoothies out of the mash that gets dumped in their troughs.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Mystwander3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird Frozen Bag of Tortellini
  • The frozen tortellini is made with eleven secret herbs and spices, but ten of them are MSG.
  • The frozen tortellini's tomato sauce is mostly citric acid, with crushed up beetle shells to give it a red color.
  • The frozen tortellini has a theoretical shelf-life so long that no one's ever witnessed one go bad.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Duckfrozen.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Beast frozen duck
  • You should always defrost a frozen duck in a sink full of cold water, not in your microwave.
  • The frozen duck would probably be a little warmer if it had been wearing pants when it got dunked, the little pervert.
  • If you know anything about the sex life of ducks (and why wouldn't you?), you know a cold bath will probably do the frozen duck some good.
Whiteshield.gif 160 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +50%
Snakeboss1.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Beast Frozen Solid Snake
  • Frozen snakes are a delicacy in some cultures, but this one's particularly deadly.
  • Frozen snake venom is usually at an "Icee" consistency, which can be dangerous when the sample vials aren't properly labeled.
  • Frozen snakes don't like to be called snakecicles. But it's funny.
Whiteshield.gif 160 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 175 Initiative +50%
Fruitgolem.gif Nicesword.gif 56 This monster is a Construct Fruit Golem
  • A fruit golems's banana arms are invariably smashed in the course of fighting, rendering them inedible. One might suggest finding something else to use as the arms, but come on, it's a fruit golem. There aren't a lot of options available.
  • Surplus fruit golems are sometimes forced to fight to the death in a vicious melee, whereupon the pulped juices are bottled for consumption. This is where "fruit punch" comes from.
  • The famous Loathing actress Mirandia Camren had a pet fruit golem, which she frequently wore as a hat. No one ever bothered to ask her why.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 46 Initiative +80%
Anger3.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Dude frustrating knight
  • The cross on the knight's shield is actually an upside-down one. He's just holding the shield wrong.
  • Frustrating knights wear belts not so they can keep their greaves up, but so they can wear obnoxious giant belt buckles.
  • Frustrating knights deliberately buy helmets that are slightly too small, just to keep them extra angry.
Whiteshield.gif 60 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +50%
Fudgemonkey2.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Beast fudge monkey
  • The fudge monkey is not a racist caricature, and should only be offensive if you're diabetic.
  • That's its TAIL, you sicko.
  • Any resemblance to recent past presidents of the United States is purely an accident of parallel evolution.
Whiteshield.gif 72 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Fudgeoyster.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Beast fudge oyster
  • You should only eat fudge oysters in months that start with fudge.
  • If you're ever at a restaurant that has "rocky mountain fudge oysters" on the menu, you should leave, because they are not real fudge oysters.
  • It is best to avoid the phrase "mother of fudge pearl" in polite company.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 130 Never wins initiative
Fudgepoodle.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Beast fudge poodle
  • The fudge poodle contains an impressive 20,000 calories and an entire month's FDA of sugar. You're better of with a teacup fudge poodle.
  • Poodles were originally bred to clean out stopped-up plumbing with the puffballs on their feet and tail.
  • If you're really that into topiary, just get a shrub instead of a poodle. At least they'll stand still for it, and not eat your face out of resentment.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +80%
Fudgevulture.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Beast fudge vulture
  • Many people wonder how such a bizarre and improbable creature could ever have come to exist. If you're one of these people, well, keep wondering!
  • Fudge was invented by the Marquis of Fudgelia, who wanted a kind of chocolate that was even sweeter, heavier, richer, and more fattening than regular chocolate. Talk about gilding the lily!
  • Although chocolate is the most common flavor of fudge vulture, there are other species as well, such as butterscotch and peanut butter. Try saying "peanut butter fudge vulture" five times really fast!
Whiteshield.gif 72 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Fudgeweasel.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Beast fudge weasel
  • "Fudge Weasel" is a terrible band name, but an awesome 80's style insult. Use it when someone says, "what are you looking at, buttwad?"
  • Look, people: bacon is a perfect food and fudge is a perfect food. But let's stop mixing them, okay?
  • The fudge weasel's musk glands are full of chocolate syrup, so you can totally let it mark you as its territory.
Whiteshield.gif 72 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Bigmirror.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct full-length mirror
  • If you ever see your reflection blink, stay away from mirrors for at least a week.
  • Mirrors can reflect text the right way around instead of backwards; they just choose not to.
  • Never ask a mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all. It's a cliche. They've heard it before. It's just not funny.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Fun-gal1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Plant Fun-Guy Playmate
  • Mushrooms don't read Fun-Guy magazine for the articles. Mushrooms can't read.
  • None of the Fun-Guy Playmates look anything at all like Ellen Page.
  • Read the Wikipedia article on Ophiocordyceps unilateralis. Nature is horrifying.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Funkparticle.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is Weird funk particle
  • The funk particle is composed of sub-atomic particles called p-funks.
  • A supercharged funk particle can move faster than the speed of booty-shakin'.
  • Funk particles are always positively charged, because negativity harshes the buzz, baby.
Whiteshield.gif 67 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +30%
Solebrother.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Fish funk sole brother
  • This is actually a tasty fish, if the chef is experienced enough to prepare it properly. By an odd coincidence, the cooks that are known to prepare it well are all named Norman.
  • This fish sometimes shows up in urban environments, where it can be found halfway between the gutter and the stars.
  • To prevent over-fishing, catching of funk sole brothers is heavily regulated by the Brighton Port Authority.
Whiteshield.gif 315 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +150%
Stinkpirate2.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Pirate funky pirate
  • And you thought regular pirates had trouble with crocodiles. Sheesh!
  • Swimming in sewage has strengthened his immune system, so that he never gets sick. Not that you'd be able to tell the difference if he did, really.
  • Regular pirates have to get peg legs and hooks and so on because they lose limbs in combat. For sewer pirates, they just sort of fall off sometimes.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 100 Never wins initiative
Shiv fur.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Plant fur tree
  • The fur tree looks beautiful, but smells like a wet dog when it rains.
  • Fur trees are softer than hedgehogs but a little scratchier than chinchillas.
  • If you shave a fur tree, the hair will grow back more coarse.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Awolcow1.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Demon furious cow
  • When The Cows Came Home, the once docile ruminants became terrifying demonic nightmares.
  • Some cows, like these, were relatively unchanged, physically, by the transformation.
  • Other cows, though... Well... You'll see.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +?%
Awolcow2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Demon furious giant cow
  • Demonic invasion affects different cows in different ways. This one grew to three times its original size.
  • Industrial cattle farmers briefly experimented with getting this to happen on purpose as a means of increasing beef production.
  • This experiment did not yield useful results, due to the Comprehensive and Bloody Industrial Cattle Farmer Massacre of '88.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +?%
Giant furry.gif Nicesword.gif 135 This monster is a Humanoid Furry Giant
  • Some think it's cruel to mock people for their lifestyle choices. But scientists agree that if you can be a human who's secretly a mongoose on the inside, you can be secretly a mongoose with a sense of humor, too.
  • The furry lifestyle is not all about deviant sex acts and pornography. No, seriously.
  • Some furries with multiple personality disorders are secretly entire zoos.
Whiteshield.gif 121 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +40%

References

  • The ferrelf's first entry is a reference to actor/comedian Will Ferrel.
  • The figure-skating duck's first entry is a reference to the film The Mighty Ducks.