Monster Manuel (F)

There are 103 creatures filed under F.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		67		fabricator guài The word "guài" literally means "freak". This particular example of one is not the strangest on record. Guài are a subclass of particularly weird and evil creatures within the greater class of yaoguai, which includes more typical demons, fallen celestial beings, and fox spirits. It isn't known what the triads bribed these guài with, to ensure their loyalty. Or rather, it is known, but you don't want to.
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		50		factory overseer Power ties are called that because they require electricity to work. Lava is a poor conductor of electricity, but is a surprisingly good conductor of symphonies. The man who invented the lava lamp went on to invent the lava ceiling fan and the lava potted plant, neither of which were as successful.
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		60		factory overseer Lava corrupts. Absolute lava corrupts lavalutely. Early heat-resistant gloves were themselves made from boiling lava. Be careful -- those lava-proof pants might not be magma-proof!
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		50		factory worker Regular lava lamps aren't filled with real lava, they're filled with hot oil and octopus souls. The lava in these lava lamps is hot enough to cook an entire pirate. The job doesn't have many benefits, but at least you get all the lava you can eat.
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		50		factory worker There's no freude like schadenfreude. Despite the bright red color, lava is not cherry-flavored. It is cinnamon. You can make a comfortable and form-fitting stone hat by dipping your head in a bucket of cooling lava.
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		2		factory-irregular skeleton Skeleton factories are notoriously poorly-run. Most of the employees don't come back from their first lunch break. Those employees that do rise up the ranks tend to be evil necromancer types who are not typically all that detail-oriented. If you're trying to teach your kids the lyrics to Dem Bones, or if you just don't want them to get murdered, it is critical that you keep them away from these skeletons.
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		0		Falcoer Falco is found on every continent except Antarctica, and lives in a wide variety of habitats from the tropics to deserts, from maritime environments to the tundra, and from sea level to 12,000 feet above sea level. As is the case with many Austrian pop stars, Falco has exceptional powers of vision; the visual acuity of one species has been measured at 2.6 times that of a normal human.
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		50		Fallen Archfiend The archfiend's arched brow is made of solid, worthless gold, and makes his sarcasm 20% more withering. The archfiend's favorite food is Bananas Foster. Not funny, but true. The snafu that caused the archfiend's demotion involved a faulty cat o'nine tails, a loose set of restraints, and a latent peanut allergy.
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		700		Falls-From-Sky Falls-From-Sky is unhappy to be here, but he wasn't really any happier before he got here. Falls-From-Sky doesn't remember when he was born. All he remembers is a kind of a banging sound. A big one. Falls-From-Sky once fell off of the rope in gym class, earning the nickname Falls-From-Rope. Falls-From-Sky's classmates were not particularly clever.
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		156		Family Jewels No adventurer has ever recovered a line from the family jewels; they only get stars. Somehow the process of defeating them destroys all the lines. It's weird. The family jewels would cost the average adventure about 30,000 months' salary to purchase. Remember, only people who don't love their fiancees spend any less than 30,000 months' salary on a gemstone.
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		99999		family of kobolds Families of kobolds never attack on Thursday night, because Thursday night is game night. They also never attack on Wednesday night, because Wednesday night is "Pop popcorn and watch a family movie" night. Kobolds believe in family values, like "the family that eats prey together, will stay together."
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		145		fan dancer The fan dancer started with small popsicle-stick-mounted fans, but now she's graduated to a set of accordion-folded fans nearly as tall as she is. The fan dancer is always a little chilly, what with the skimpy costume and the constant breeze she generates. Fan dancer fans call themselves "breeze-augmented choreography enthusiasts" to avoid confusion.
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		140		fan slime I recommend offering a free shrug to everyone offering free hugs. The fan slime likes to dress in costumes and play. It's a hobby known as "plostuming." You probably haven't heard of the fan slime's favorite cartoons, or heard his favorite music, which is the soundtrack to those cartoons. And trust me, you're better off.
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		99999		fancy bath slug Wizards and scientists speculate that the fancy bath slug was called into existence by the creation of fancy bath salts, as the universe tried to keep itself in balance. The fancy bath slug's vestigial showercap has puzzled scientists, as there is no hair beneath it. In the wild, fancy bath slugs seek out natural hot springs, preferably with natural exfoliating sugar scrub springs nearby.
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		100		fantasy bandit Banditing doesn't pay well, but it has fringe benefits. Like if a park patron is carrying around a bag of popcorn or something. It's not an easy job, but at least he doesn't have to wear one of those foam rubber mascot costumes. Considering medieval life expectancy, it's probable that a lot of bandits actually were teenagers. So this might be the most realistic thing in the whole park.
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		120		fantasy forest faerie Real faeries are more like hornets than butterflies -- social, venomous, and aggressive predators. It isn't clear why faeries look like girls with long blonde hair. High concentrations of magic do weird things to evolution. One thing that the actor inadvertantly got right -- real faeries do in fact smoke clove cigarettes.
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		120		fantasy ourk No, seriously, an ourk is totally different from an orc, just look at how it's spelled! You aren't pronouncing it right. You gotta put more u in there. It's like an ö. It isn't often that a guy built like a linebacker is interested in this sort of job, but they say you can't judge a bourk by its cover.
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		31		Father McGruber Father McGruber's arsenal includes a razor-sharp throwing crucifix, a rosary garrote, and other blasphemous and not at all funny accouterments. Father McGruber's most impressive superpower is the ability to justify his faith in an eternal afterlife with the existence of the Kingdom's zombies, ghosts, and demons. In the confused cosmology of the Kingdom (which features both Satan and Valhallalala), Father McGruber is the only practitioner of whatever faith it is he practices.
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		81		Father Nikolai Ravonovich Father Ravonovich is a member of the Guyver Clan, an ancient order of trap-builders. Most of the hippie Jerry's Riggers have ties to the Clan. Father Ravonovich's traps are quite useful against the undead and door-to-door salesmen. But somehow, the religious proselytizers still get through. Father Ravonovich's clerical collar is actually a set of lock-picking tools held in place with garrotte wire.
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		50		Fear Man Fear Man's suit is as black as it is possible for a suit to be. It makes Pantone 7C look like Pantone 428. Fear Man's soul is very slightly blacker than his suit. I was just kidding. Fear Man doesn't have a soul.
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		?		fear of an uncertain future What if that delicious sandwich is actually made of broken glass and used teeth? What if every bug you ever killed is being reanimated and collected into a horror Voltron for the sole purpose of destroying you? What if my beard was made of green spinach?
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		125		fearsome giant squid The only mollusc bigger than the giant squid is the colossal squid. Well, that and the "holy crap that's the biggest damn squid I've ever seen" squid. This particular giant squid is actually a small plastic toy octopus brought to life by a child's imagination. If you're going to bring something to life and don't have a child's imagination (or a handy child to borrow his), just channel a buttload of electricity through it and hope for the best.
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		90		Fearsome Wacken The Wacken was regarded as a myth until it turned up and started eating people. The Wacken's tentacles are strong enough to squeeze the dopeness out of the illest of rhymers. The Wacken is attracted to blood in the water and dropped beats on the land.
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		53		Feeling That You're Being Watched The fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you -- they are after you. To put you away, for being a crazy paranoid. Most of the time, when you get the feeling that someone is watching you, it turns out that it is Sting. And when you look back and see a single set of footprints, those were the times when Sting was carrying you.
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		75		Felonia, Queen of the Spooky Gravy Fairies Queen Felonia has a 2nd-dan black belt in Slashing Your Face With a Broken Bottle-Fu. Since the fall of the Spookyraven family, Felonia is regarded as the Kingdom's premier goth. Honestly, you'd be pretty gothy too if you lived in an underground cave filled with little skull-faced toadstool fairies. You may find it difficult to correlate Felonia's image to the description given -- after all, what is particularly hot about a mushroom with lipstick? This is because you're seeing her without her fairy glamour, which may explain why she's so ticked off.
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		?		feral bunny It's a good thing that there aren't any children on Easter Island, because it would be virtually impossible to keep them away from these things. It's also a good thing there aren't any children on Easter Island because of all of the giant murderous statues. Y'know, let's just pass a law that says you're not allowed to bring children here. There are no downsides.
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		3		Ferocious bugbear Ferocious bugbears have serrations on their teeth So bite-wounds don't heal. Insular bugbears only hang with their own kind Species-ist bastards. Turns out bugbear dung Is a clean-burning fuel source, Just too gross to use.
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		120		ferocious roc The roc is known for its signature move, the "People's Wing." The roc is the only known bird to have eyebrows, and to have one eyebrow constantly arched. Some have speculated that the roc is merely a dyslexic orc, but there aren't many physical similarities to speak of.
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		0		ferrelf Many ferrelves are named Will. They stare at you with their dead, dead little eyes, and are only funny about half the time. If you're in a bind and need to cross a body of water, you can sometimes convince a ferrelf to take you across. (If he owns a jet-ski.) If you kick a ferrelf right in the musk gland, the elf part will be really grossed out by the smell of the ferret part.
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		99999		Fickle Finger of F8 The fickle finger's fingerprint has grooves big enough to climb. Not that you'd want to. When the fickle finger cracks its knuckles, the sound is as loud as a jackhammer on concrete. The fickle finger's cuticle is the size of an entire grown man, at least until its next manicure.
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		2		fiendish can of asparagus Spears are called 'spears' because of their similarity to asparagus spears. The fact that they were invented by Alfred Spear is a coincidence. Unicorns are nearly as attracted to people whose pee smells like asparagus as they are to virgins. The largest vegetable canning factory in Loathing was built on the site of an ancient Indian burial mound. They did this because ghosts are a natural preservative, and very useful in the canning process.
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		2		fiendish zombie can of asparagus Actually it isn't the can that's the zombie -- it's the asparagus. The asparagus drives the can around like a committee-based Gundam. And since the cans are sealed, well, you'd be angry too if you and a dozen coworkers were packed in a van with the doors welded shut.
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		30		fiery mushroom guy All mushrooms are fireproof. This is why they are so frequently used in flambé recipes. Mushrooms make excellent temporary champagne corks. Mushrooms don't have souls.
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		179		figure-skating duck No matter how mighty they seem, ducks are terrible hockey players, because they can't really hold the sticks properly with their wings. Ducks are not natural ice-skaters, but they learn quickly. Contrast this with geese, who couldn't skate to save their lives, but are fantastic basketball players. Duct tape is not made from ducks. It's made by ducks, who extrude it from special glands in a similar fashion to spider silk.
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		167		filthworm drone A filthworm has to eat three times its body weight to make a mere tablespoon of disgusting green goo. It's way less efficient than my nostrils, which do it without food at all. The filthworm's mandibles aren't poisonous, but they're certainly not sanitary either. Filthworm goo, ironically enough, is an ingredient in many colognes and perfumes. Not any that people would ever buy, but still, cool to know.
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		169		filthworm royal guard Filthworms are excellent spellers. The world's longest filthworm was very long indeed! Filthworms mainly live on fruit, insects, fairies, and origami.
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		39		filthy hippy Filthy hippies never use soap, because soap, like, totally messes up your skin by removing its natural layer of filthy, oily gunk, man. Usually the hippies wear moccasins, but many are opting to go barefoot now, because your feet are like perfectly evolutionarily designed, man, and shoes only stifle their ability to express themselves. The hippy's filthy knitted dread sack is classified as a Level III environmental hazard by the Council of Loathing, which is kind of ironic, when you think about it.
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		39		filthy hippy jewelry maker Hippy jewelry makers don't use precious stones, because calling a certain type of stone precious makes the other stones feel bad. Hippy jewelry makers don't need to go to a riverbank to get the clay for their beads; they just comb it out of their dreads. Most of the hippy jewelry maker's beach glass is actually shards from a broken one of those glass sculptures hippies have. You know, the ones with the sweet-smelling smoke bubbling out of them?
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		39		filthy hippy Vegan chef The filthy hippy Vegan chef's most popular dish is "a bunch of fruits and vegetables sliced into small pieces," seconded by "a bunch of fruits and vegetables sliced in slightly larger pieces." The Vegan chef sometimes makes a vinaigrette out of vinegar combined with oil squeezed out of his dreads. Every Vegan chef longs for the day he can return to planet Vega, or the day he comes up with a recipe for Vegan croutons.
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		150		filthy pirate Garbage pirates are pretty angry guys, because nobody cares when they steal garbage and what's the fun of that? He lost his eye in a terrible peg leg accident, made all the more terrible when you consider that his peg leg is a toilet plunger. Did we do the "garrrrrrrbage" joke yet?
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		0		Fire Fighter Some people refer to Fire Fighters as Firemen, but that's an antiquated and incorrect term. The correct name is, of course, "Fire Carriers." Fire Fighters are descended from a kind of prehistoric cave dweller that discovered fire so effectively that they actually became fire.
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		?		fire truck Fire trucks connect their hoses to fire hydrants, which are like water hydrants only they're full of fire. The word "hydrant" have the root "hydra," meaning "multi-headed snake." Fire trucks get their tires from the tire fire in Hobopolis.
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		177		fire-breathing duck The fire-breathing duck is the only bird that can hard-boil its own eggs. Fire-breathing ducks spend their spare time constructing, and then rampaging through, tiny scale models of cities. Farmers in Distant Lands actually breed fire-breathing ducks to keep them warm in the wintertime.
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		53		fired-up Knob Goblin King Hot Gobblin' would be a good name for a restaurant. What would they serve at Hot Gobblin'? Good question. Probably just regular food, but way hotter than it's usually served. That seems like it would generate some good press.
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		550		fisherfish Fisherfish tend to be angry and aggressive due to being frustrated with themselves for constantly getting distracted by the little light hanging over their heads. (The preceding sentence was brought to you courtesy of Long & Awkward Sentences, Ltd.) Mer-kin have been known to use trained fisherfish as book-lights for nighttime reading. Fisherfish feed mainly on smaller fish who complain about the light because they're trying to sleep.
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		150		fishy pirate Why would a band of pirates waste their time stealing garbage, you ask? Well, you can ask that all you want, but I don't really have an answer for you. Garbage pirates are ranked by how rank they are. ...Sorry. Since one man's trash is another man's treasure, these pirates are actually... uh... okay, no, it really is just garbage.
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		150		Fitness Giant The fitness giant does at least 100 sit-ups before he does 100 sit-ups, and then he does 100 more. The fitness giant could totally bench press you. I mean, he's a giant; even an obese out-of-shape one could bench press you. But the fitness giant would do way more reps Fitness giants drink nothing but protein shakes and the only drug they get high on is life, bro (and steroids).
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		150		five skeleton invaders Five skeletons have a total of 1,030 bones. Male and female pelvises have a number of differences. Male pelvises are taller, heavier, and thicker, like men themselves. Women's pelvises are lighter and less dense, like women. Two of the skeletons in the five-skeleton group are forever high-fiving, much to the irritation of the other three.
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		?		flagellating mantis Let's all hope the Mantis God isn't the true one, because oh jeez. It's hard to imagine what sins a mantis would require such penance for. Ate someone else's husband? I guess that could do it. Was Mantis Jesus crucified on a hexagon, do you think?
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		?		flailing flagellate It's a good thing these guys predate organized religion, because you get the feeling that they would really go to town on themselves with a scourge if they had access to one. Another reason this is a good thing is that they don't have mouths, so they wouldn't be able to confess their sins, and they'd end up in Hell. A third reason this is a good thing is that flagellate Hell is even worse than regular Hell, because television signals don't reach it, so you can't even check on the baseball scores.
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		2		flame-broiled meat blob The flame-broiled meat blob is better for your arteries than a deep-fried one, but no less dangerous to the rest of your body. The pre-cooked weight of a flame-broiled meat blob is about 25 pounds. It's actually a myth that pan-searing your meat blob will seal in the juices. It just makes a delicious brown crust.
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		11		flaming leaflet In many jurisdictions it is illegal to burn leaves. Fire is hot. Not all leaves ignite at Fahrenheit 451.
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		?		flaming monstera The monstera is sometimes called the "swiss cheese plant." If the rest of the plant hadn't burned up, you could be pick some delicious monstera fruit. Sentient monstera plants are secretly ashamed to be called monsters. In their society, they refer to themselves as Biggus Plantus.
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		99999		Flaming Samurai It's not actually regular fire, just the samurai's intense fighting aura. Which is is completely indistinguishable from regular fire, except that it doesn't hurt him. Don't make fun of his weird little hairstyle. He hates that. If this samurai fails to defeat you, he'll probably feel compelled to commit seppuku. Of course, you'll probably end up killing him anyway, so it doesn't make much difference.
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		83		Flaming Troll The best way to fight a flaming troll is to ignore it. But the second best way to fight a flaming troll is by hitting it with heavy objects, and that's far more fun. Flaming trolls used to live under bridges, but they kept burning them down, and then they had no way to assuage their regret. The only thing you should feed a flaming troll is a knuckle sandwich.
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		159		Flange The Flange's central aperture is large enough to fit the entire Airship inside of it. Don't you feel inadequate now? The Flange's two side apertures are considered off-limits by all but the most daring astronomers. Astronomers in Distant Lands recognize a different constellation called the Metric Flange, which is smaller and sideways.
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		200		flashy pirate This theme park character was based on a character from a movie that was based on a theme park ride that was based on... well, after that it gets complicated. This ride was originally going to be old west-themed, but people complained about the robot having a dead bird on its head. After the park planners gave up on the Old West idea, they considered basing this ride on the life of a famous journalist, but it turned into a hellishly intense introspective nightmare, and the idea was scrapped pretty quickly.
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		0		flatusaurus Modern scientists have proven that the species deltasaurus is actually the same dinosaur previously referred to as smeltasaurus. This species is frequently mistaken for the flautasaurus. The difference is that the holes in the bones of this one are pecked by birds, not drilled deliberately. This species is also frequently mistaken for a different kind of flautasaurus, but it's important to remember that that one was made up by a guy writing the kids menu at a Mexican restaurant.
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		85		fleaman Fleamen, when not attacking adventurers, play some pretty solid bass guitar. Fleamen don't suck blood, but they're not shy about spilling it. Fleamen can jump three times their height, but they're not all that tall.
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		150		fleet woodsman Fleet woodsmen are known for two things: amazing prowess with woodworking, and rancorous infighting in their camps. Fleet woodsmen generally keep a songbird or two as a pet. Fleet woodsmen are usually filthy, because they wait for the rain to wash them clean.
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		?		flexible disco dancer If you mix cornstarch and water in the right proportions, you'll end up with a non-Newtonian fluid. If you pour that mixture into a dress, you'll end up with something very similar to this dancer. If you instead pour that mixture onto a dress, you'll end up getting yelled at by a lady.
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		0		flint-scraping cave elf The discovery that flint can easily be chipped into sharp edges was a major turning point for cave-elf technology, which was previously based around a handful of pebbles inside a sock. Flint is good for making stone knifes, but is not recommended for toothbrushes. Another thing flint is not very good for is chewing gum.
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		65		floating platter of hors d'oeuvres Is there really any difference between dehydrated caviar and plain old dust? ...Hmm, maybe you've just been eating dust this whole time. The spelling and pronunciation of the word "hors d'oeuvres" is basically a middle finger from France to the entire rest of the world. Some people have wondered: if champagne is served in flutes, is a yard of ale served in an oboe? People wonder a lot of dumb things.
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		150		flock of every birds If these birds were all seagulls, you'd have no choice but to run. You'd run so far away. Being attacked by a flock of birds seems bizarre and outlandish, but remember: they're basically just small dinosaurs. I bet you can totally imagine being attacked by a flock of dinosaurs. Writing these factoids is a little easier if I imagine I'm just saying stupid things on twitter.
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		120		Flock of Groars? It takes 17 winged yetis to change a light bulb. Well, it takes 17 on average, I should say. Sort of. It's kind of like monkeys with typewriters. 17 is just the number of yetis that if you put them in a room with a light bulb, it'll have more than a 50/50 chance of getting changed by accident.
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		95		flock of seagulls The average airspeed velocity is 28 mph, if it's not carrying a coconut. Seagulls drink salt water, and occasionally gargle it if their throats hurt. Seagulls can see infrared, which means they can't tell the difference between the remote control for your TV and a ray gun.
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		155		Flock of Stab-bats The stab-bat's only natural predator is the stab-bat. Stab-bats are the only mammals that have a chitinous exoskeleton, not counting your mom. Stab-bat soup is a delicacy in the Palindome, only they call it "Pou Stab-bat Soup," naturally.
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		1		fluffy bunny Rabbit meat is a little gamey, but good with peppercorns and a red wine. It is always rabbit season and duck season in the Kingdom of Loathing. Fluffy bunnies have a mean streak a mile wide and a furlong deep.
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		38		Fnord the Unspeakable Technically, Fnord's actual name is speakable, but you need to know all 64 letters of the alphabet, and it helps to have had your tongue surgically adjusted. Did you ever read Grant Morrison's The Invisibles? You should, it's awesome. [REDACTED]
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		130		Foodie Giant Foodie giants are a little insufferable, but on occasion they produce fantastic dishes, so it's worth having one or two around. Foodie giants are less popular than the Brewmaster giants, who are always making their own beer and distilling their own liquor. Foodie giants will can their own organic jam made from berries they grew in their own garden, then serve it on locally-sourced toast with hand-milled grain, but with a pat of straight-up margarine on top. No accounting for taste, I guess.
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		2		forest spirit Forest spirits should have listened to their mother -- she told them their face would get stuck that way. Forest spirits' environmental feelings are motivated not primarily by a love of trees, but by a hatred of the word "TIMBER." A forest spirit once ran back and forth across the entire breadth of Little Canadia for a period of several years. When asked why, he only replied "I have to pee."
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		0		former guard The guards at Porkham Asylum have a dangerous job, but they get really good hazard pay, and all the antipsychotics they can eat. Another perk of the job is that, if a guard goes insane, their surgery expenses are fully covered. Porkham's guards used to be issued tranquilizer guns, but the darts had a ketamine base and too many guards shot themselves for fun.
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		0		former inmate Nearly 15% of the inmates in Porkham are there because their furniture or used car prices are craaaaaazy. The next most common sort of inmate are the ones who believe they're Napoleon, Jesus, or some other historical figure, and also that that historical figure was a serial-muderer. Very, very few of Porkham's inmates are actually sane people trapped in a nightmarish Catch-22 situation where they can't convince anyone they're sane because of course a crazy person would say that.
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		?		Former Sheriff Dan Driscoll Before moving to Breadwood to become the sheriff, Dan Driscoll went to one of those fancy colleges back east. Between his sophomore and junior years, he fell in with a bunch of nihilists and developed a really bad attitude about basically everything. His senior quote was "Hell is other people. Me, for instance."
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		110		four skeleton invaders Skeletons naturally group themselves into squads of four, because it's the best number for playing cards between shifts. Skeletons don't like to play dominoes, because they get homesick. Skeletons can't sing, because they don't have lungs. This makes their barbershop quartets fairly disappointing.
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		0		four-shadowed mime Little is known of the four-shadowed mimes. Are they mute? Or do they choose not to speak? But everyone agrees they're hella creepy. Four-shadowed mimes can only injure you once you recognize the charade they're performing. So you could avoid their attacks by closing your eyes, if that wasn't a terrifying proposition. The best way to trap a four-shadowed mime is in an imaginary box. So, if you have some of those lying around, you're golden.
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		?		François Verte, Art Teacher Mr. Verte's actual name is Frank Green, but he changed it to sound more exotic. Mr. Verte has never actually produced any works of art, but he can definitely tell you how much yours sucks. Mr. Verte dreams of discovering a famous artist, nurturing the young person's talent, and then having the kid die young so all of his art is worth more.
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		175		Frat Warrior drill sergeant Frat Warrior drill sergeants frequently get toenail fungus from having their boots cleaned with nothing but spit. Glamorous! Most Frat Warrior drill sergeants can do a maximum of ten push-ups, but regularly order recruits to give 'em twenty. Don't listen to the insults the Frat Warrior drill sergeant spews about your mom. Odds are, he's never met the lady.
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		25		freaked-out mushroom guy Your shoelaces are not a butterfly. Certain kinds of trees cannot be trusted. Stay out of the middle hexagon.
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		?		freshwater bonefish The bony protrusions on the freshwater bonefish aren't tipped with poison, because that'd be overkill. The bonefish's only natural predator is the cartoon alley cat. Bonefish eat anything that gets shish kabobbed on their spikes.
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		3		frog Frogs can breathe through their skin, which I bet would feel really weird if you could do it. Frog baseball is a popular sport among juvenile delinquents, but unfortunately most frogs can't hold up to a full nine innings. Frogs are a popular candidate for science-class dissections, because if your frog contains a Golden Ticket, you win a free trip to the National Science Museum for your entire class!
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		0		frontwinder A hollowed-out snake makes a good thermos for your sausages. Or a flute cozy. That would work too. The earliest staple removers were just snake skulls.
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		500		Frosty The magic isn't actually in the top hat -- it's in the carrot. Carrots are very sensitive to the presence of hats, particularly silk ones. Frosty is related to the Ninja Snowmen of Mt. McLargehuge, but only by marriage. Some people say that Frosty is actually an amalgamation of all the ghosts of people who died in avalanches, skiing accidents, and so on. Those people are wrong, he's just an asshole snowman.
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		0		frosty straw house The little pigs who live in the frosty straw house have a thick coat of bristly fur to protect them from the cold. The bacon made out of pigs who live in frosty straw houses is always fresh, but awfully hard to defrost. The pigs who live in the frost straw house make smoothies out of the mash that gets dumped in their troughs.
		0
		0

		?		Frozen Bag of Tortellini The frozen tortellini is made with eleven secret herbs and spices, but ten of them are MSG. The frozen tortellini's tomato sauce is mostly citric acid, with crushed up beetle shells to give it a red color. The frozen tortellini has a theoretical shelf-life so long that no one's ever witnessed one go bad.
		?
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		170		frozen duck You should always defrost a frozen duck in a sink full of cold water, not in your microwave. The frozen duck would probably be a little warmer if it had been wearing pants when it got dunked, the little pervert. If you know anything about the sex life of ducks (and why wouldn't you?), you know a cold bath will probably do the frozen duck some good.
		160
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		160		Frozen Solid Snake Frozen snakes are a delicacy in some cultures, but this one's particularly deadly. Frozen snake venom is usually at an "Icee" consistency, which can be dangerous when the sample vials aren't properly labeled. Frozen snakes don't like to be called snakecicles. But it's funny.
		160
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		56		Fruit Golem A fruit golems's banana arms are invariably smashed in the course of fighting, rendering them inedible. One might suggest finding something else to use as the arms, but come on, it's a fruit golem. There aren't a lot of options available. Surplus fruit golems are sometimes forced to fight to the death in a vicious melee, whereupon the pulped juices are bottled for consumption. This is where "fruit punch" comes from. The famous Loathing actress Mirandia Camren had a pet fruit golem, which she frequently wore as a hat. No one ever bothered to ask her why.
		50
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		25		frustrating knight The cross on the knight's shield is actually an upside-down one. He's just holding the shield wrong. Frustrating knights wear belts not so they can keep their greaves up, but so they can wear obnoxious giant belt buckles. Frustrating knights deliberately buy helmets that are slightly too small, just to keep them extra angry.
		60
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		80		fudge monkey The fudge monkey is not a racist caricature, and should only be offensive if you're diabetic. That's its TAIL, you sicko. Any resemblance to recent past presidents of the United States is purely an accident of parallel evolution.
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		100		fudge oyster You should only eat fudge oysters in months that start with fudge. If you're ever at a restaurant that has "rocky mountain fudge oysters" on the menu, you should leave, because they are not real fudge oysters. It is best to avoid the phrase "mother of fudge pearl" in polite company.
		90
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		120		fudge poodle The fudge poodle contains an impressive 20,000 calories and an entire month's FDA of sugar. You're better of with a teacup fudge poodle. Poodles were originally bred to clean out stopped-up plumbing with the puffballs on their feet and tail. If you're really that into topiary, just get a shrub instead of a poodle. At least they'll stand still for it, and not eat your face out of resentment.
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		80		fudge vulture Many people wonder how such a bizarre and improbable creature could ever have come to exist. If you're one of these people, well, keep wondering! Fudge was invented by the Marquis of Fudgelia, who wanted a kind of chocolate that was even sweeter, heavier, richer, and more fattening than regular chocolate. Talk about gilding the lily! Although chocolate is the most common flavor of fudge vulture, there are other species as well, such as butterscotch and peanut butter. Try saying "peanut butter fudge vulture" five times really fast!
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		80		fudge weasel "Fudge Weasel" is a terrible band name, but an awesome 80's style insult. Use it when someone says, "what are you looking at, buttwad?" Look, people: bacon is a perfect food and fudge is a perfect food. But let's stop mixing them, okay? The fudge weasel's musk glands are full of chocolate syrup, so you can totally let it mark you as its territory.
		72
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		?		full-length mirror If you ever see your reflection blink, stay away from mirrors for at least a week. Mirrors can reflect text the right way around instead of backwards; they just choose not to. Never ask a mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all. It's a cliche. They've heard it before. It's just not funny.
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		0		Fun-Guy Playmate Mushrooms don't read Fun-Guy magazine for the articles. Mushrooms can't read. None of the Fun-Guy Playmates look anything at all like Ellen Page. Read the Wikipedia article on Ophiocordyceps unilateralis. Nature is horrifying.
		0
		0

		85		funk particle The funk particle is composed of sub-atomic particles called p-funks. A supercharged funk particle can move faster than the speed of booty-shakin'. Funk particles are always positively charged, because negativity harshes the buzz, baby.
		67
		80

		300		funk sole brother This is actually a tasty fish, if the chef is experienced enough to prepare it properly. By an odd coincidence, the cooks that are known to prepare it well are all named Norman. This fish sometimes shows up in urban environments, where it can be found halfway between the gutter and the stars. To prevent over-fishing, catching of funk sole brothers is heavily regulated by the Brighton Port Authority.
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		150		funky pirate And you thought regular pirates had trouble with crocodiles. Sheesh! Swimming in sewage has strengthened his immune system, so that he never gets sick. Not that you'd be able to tell the difference if he did, really. Regular pirates have to get peg legs and hooks and so on because they lose limbs in combat. For sewer pirates, they just sort of fall off sometimes.
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		?		fur tree The fur tree looks beautiful, but smells like a wet dog when it rains. Fur trees are softer than hedgehogs but a little scratchier than chinchillas. If you shave a fur tree, the hair will grow back more coarse.
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		?		furious cow When The Cows Came Home, the once docile ruminants became terrifying demonic nightmares. Some cows, like these, were relatively unchanged, physically, by the transformation. Other cows, though... Well... You'll see.
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		?		furious giant cow Demonic invasion affects different cows in different ways. This one grew to three times its original size. Industrial cattle farmers briefly experimented with getting this to happen on purpose as a means of increasing beef production. This experiment did not yield useful results, due to the Comprehensive and Bloody Industrial Cattle Farmer Massacre of '88.
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		135		Furry Giant Some think it's cruel to mock people for their lifestyle choices. But scientists agree that if you can be a human who's secretly a mongoose on the inside, you can be secretly a mongoose with a sense of humor, too. The furry lifestyle is not all about deviant sex acts and pornography. No, seriously. Some furries with multiple personality disorders are secretly entire zoos.
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References

• The ferrelf's first entry is a reference to actor/comedian Will Ferrel.
• The figure-skating duck's first entry is a reference to the film The Mighty Ducks.
• Fahrenheit 451 is sometimes the autoignition point of paper. It is also a novel by Ray Bradbury which has been adapted to other media.