Mer-kin teacher

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Mer-kin teacher
Monster ID 838
Locations Mer-kin Elementary School
Hit Points 700
Attack 600
Defense 700
Initiative 50
Meat 40-60
Phylum mer-kin
Elements None
Resistance  ?
Monster Parts arm, head, tail, torso
Mer-kin lipstick, Mer-kin bunwig, Mer-kin hallpass, Folder (catfish)
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Mer-kin teacher You're fighting a Mer-kin teacher

This Mer-kin is in charge of training young acolytes in the cult of the Ancient Elder God of Hate. Not only is dark sarcasm encouraged in her classroom, it's actually a big part of the final exam.

Hit Message(s):

She pulls out a pretty hate machine and beats you with it. Aesthetics notwithstanding, it hurts. Ouch! Oof! Eek! Ooh! Ugh!

She says you can't have any pudding since you don't eat your meat, and then smacks you with a cane. Argh! Oof! Eek! Argh! Ouch!

She hits you with her cane, sugar. Ow! Ugh! Eek! Oof! Oof!

She makes you recite a poem from memory, and thwacks your knuckles when you miss a line. Ooh! Ugh! Argh! Ow! Ugh!

Critical Hit Message:

She smacks you in the <eye> with her cane, then drags her fingernails down a nearby chalkboard. Ow, your <foot>! Ow, your ears! Oof! Ugh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

Miss Message(s):

She tries to beat you with her pretty hate machine, but you swim a downward spiral away from her.

She tries to hit you with her cane, but she cane't.

She tries to cane you, but you say, "what am I, a rattan chair?"

She tries to make you recite a poem, but you give up when you can't remember what the man from Nantucket did.

Fumble Message:

She threatens to make you stay after class and clean the erasers. You point out that you're underwater. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 40-60 Meat (average: 50, stdev: 4.47)*
Bunwig.gifYou acquire an item: Mer-kin bunwig (5% chance)*
Lipstick.gifYou acquire an item: Mer-kin lipstick (25% chance)*
Lamcard.gifYou acquire an item: Mer-kin hallpass (5% chance)*
Folder1.gifYou acquire an item: folder (catfish) (5% chance)*

Occurs at Mer-kin Elementary School.


  • She will shrug off multi-round stuns about 75% of the time. If the stun successfully lands, it will always wear off on the turn afterwards, regardless of it's original duration.
    • She is not resistant to single-round stunning, however.
    • Even if the stun is resisted, Shell Up with a Blessing of the Storm Tortoise active will still technically prevent monster actions for approximately 2 rounds, due to it not taking effect until the monster attacks and would've hit.
  • This monster has a soft damage cap that kicks in if your attack would do more than 500 damage. The actual damage done in that case is (X-500)^.75 + 500, where X is the damage your attack would have done without the cap.
  • The folder (catfish) can only drop if you have an over-the-shoulder Folder Holder equipped. It is not forced by a yellow ray mechanism.


  • The description and combat messages contain references to Pink Floyd's song "Another Brick in the Wall".
  • "Pretty Hate Machine" and "The Downward Spiral", mentioned in a hit and miss message, are albums by Nine Inch Nails.