Marty's House

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Marty's House is located in Little Canadia. Marty sends the player on Marty's Quest and grants a reward upon its completion.

  • On first visit:

Outside a little wooden house/workshop, you encounter a lumberjack sitting morosely on a fresh stump, with his head in his hands. "What's the matter?" you ask him. "You look like you fell off your favorite log, or whatever you lumberjack guys are into."

"I'm in love with the most beautiful lumberjill in the camp," he says, sighing. "But she doesn't even know I'm alive. I'm not really a lumberjack, you see -- I'm just a craftsman. I make axe handles and stuff for the real lumberjacks." He sighs again. "I can't hold a candle to those big tough burly guys."

"Did you try talking to her?"

"Well, I tried carving our initials on a tree, with a heart around them. The tree got cut down before she noticed, though."

"That figures," you say. "So maybe try talking to her?"

"I had an even better idea -- I want to give her a present -- something really special, you know? I was thinking I could make her a really amazing axe, but the parts I want can only be found in the swamp nearby -- Le Dègueulasse Marais, we call it -- and it's far too dangerous in there for me."

"What's so dangerous about it?"

"There's an old ruined wizard tower there. Nobody knows who the wizard was, but after he died, ages ago, the tower crumbled, and the magic sort of leaked out into the swamp. It did all kinds of weird things to the animals. Also I think there's an ancient battlefield full of the souls of the restless dead."

"That sure does sound dangerous," you say. "So maybe talking to..."

"Say, aren't you an adventurer? Maybe you could go find the stuff for me!"

You sigh. "Yeah. I guess I could do that."

"Great! Here, I'll mark the swamp on your map. I need three things: first, a branch from the Great Tree -- it's the straightest, strongest tree that any lumberjack has ever seen, but it's never been cut down because it's hidden and guarded by les castors de marais."


"Swamp beavers. Years and years ago, a famous lumberjack named Phil Bunion went to try and find the tree and claim it, but he never returned. The second thing I need is the blade from his axe, which is said to be the strongest and sharpest axe ever made."

"And the third thing?"

"Well, I figure a bouquet of swamp roses would be nice, you know? That'll make the gift more romantic."

"If you say so," you say. "What was your name again?"

"Oh, sorry!" he says, standing up and shaking your hand. "I'm Marty."

"All right, Marty, I'll see what I can do. But really, you ought to try just talk--"

"Thanks!" he says excitedly. "I'll wait for you here!"

  • On subsequent visits:

Lumber-related Pun
Lumber-related Pun

You find Marty outside his house, slouching around in a morose yet hopeful fashion, and writing his secret crush's name in the dirt with a stick. (His handwriting is terrible, but you think it might be 'Susan'. Or maybe 'Sarah'. Or possibly 'Frank'.)

His eyes brighten excitedly when he sees you. "You've returned! Were you able to find any of the things I need?"


"Remind me again what all it was you wanted?" you ask. "I got distracted by wandering around a stinking alligator-infested swamp, and kind of lost track."

"No problem!" Marty says. "Altogether, I need a branch from the Great Tree in the middle of the swamp, plus the famous possibly-magical axe of the lost lumberjack hero Phil Bunion, and a bouquet of swamp roses."

"Right," you say. "Okay. I'll get right on that."

"I'll be waiting here!" Marty says excitedly, waving as you leave.

You find Marty outside his house, slouching around in a morose yet hopeful fashion, and writing his secret crush's name in the dirt with a stick. (His handwriting is terrible, but you think it might be 'Susan'. Or maybe 'Sarah'. Or possibly 'Frank'.)

His eyes brighten excitedly when he sees you. "You've returned! Were you able to find any of the things I need?"

"Yeah, I got a branch from the Great Tree."

Marty's eyes widen when you hand him the branch from the Great Tree. "Wow! This is incredible!" He pulls out a penknife, slices away some of the bark, and points out several features of the woodgrain that you don't really understand or care about.

"This will make the perfect axe handle! I'll get started carving it right away. Were you able to find anything else?"

"Yep, I found Phil Bunion's axe"

At first Marty looks disappointed when you hand him the rust-spotted, rotten-handled axe, but after a closer inspection he gives an impressed whistle.

"Oh man, this is it, all right! More than a hundred years old, probably, and still as sharp as anything! Look at that wavy pattern in the steel where the different alloys combine to give both sharpness and durability -- nobody forges axe heads like that any more, because nobody knows how to do it! Amazing! I bet the rust will come right off with a little elbow grease, too." He rubs his elbow against the axe head experimentally, and looks pleased with the result.

He looks back at you. "Did you find the other things I need?"

"Here, I picked you a bunch of swamp roses."

Marty looks delighted when you hand him the bouquet of swamp roses. "Say!" he says, taking a sniff, "these smell pretty nice! Much better than I was expecting!"

"You were expecting to give your girlfriend bad-smelling roses? Why didn't you just buy some regular ones in town?"

"She's not my girlfriend yet," Marty says, blushing. "And regular roses are too, you know, regular. I need to give her something special, you know?"

"Well, whatever swings your axe, I guess."

"Did you find anything else?" he asks.

  • If you've handed in everything:
"That was the last of it."
"This is fantastic," Marty says happily. "I can't thank you enough for helping me out like this. Say, I know -- that branch you brought back was pretty big, and I still have a hefty chunk of it left. I could carve you a weapon out of it! Do you prefer a sword, a bow, or a staff?"
Pick the sword
Pick the bow
Pick the staff
Marty nods and unrolls a set of different-sized knives and chisels from his belt, and starts whittling the remains of the branch. His work is quick but precise; he's obviously very skilled. You take the opportunity to sit and relax for a bit while he works.
After a time, he produces a very serviceable -- masterly, even -- wooden <sword|bow|staff>. He takes out a can of thin oil and rubs it into the wood with a cloth. "There you are, it's finished!" he says, handing it to you. "Well, you should let the finish soak in and dry a bit before you use it. But other than that, it's done."
"Thanks, Marty," you say, accepting the <sword|bow|staff>. "Listen, can you do me one more favor?"
"Sure, anything!"
"This girl you like -- is she around? Can you point her out to me? I'm a little curious what all the fuss is about."
Marty leads you through the trees to the edge of the lumber camp, looks around, and points surreptitiously at a woman walking by. She is in fact quite good-looking, in a muscly sort of way. Her long red pony-tail gleams in the sunlight, and as she trades a joke with another lumberjill, her laugh rings with golden tones.
"Huh!" you say. "I'm a little surprised actually."
"What do you mean?" Marty asks.
"Well, I was expecting some kind of ironic twist. Like she'd have a beard, or was literally a goat, or something."
Marty laughs. "Oh, you adventurers and your sense of humor!"
"Yeah. Well anyway, good luck with your wooing. I'ma get back to less sappy stuff."
Marty grins and waves as you leave.
Carvedsword.gifYou acquire an item: hand-carved bokken
Carvedbow.gifYou acquire an item: hand-carved bow
Carvedstaff.gifYou acquire an item: hand-carved staff

"Not yet, sorry."

Marty looks a little disappointed, but seems determined to stay positive. "Okay, well, keep trying! I know you can do it! I'll just be waiting right here until you get back!"

"Maybe instead of just waiting around here," you say, "you could go talk to the girl..."

"Don't be ridiculous, then I might miss you when you come back! I wouldn't want to keep you waiting like that."

"Okay, fine," you say, resisting the urge to roll your eyes.

After completing the quest:

You don't see Marty outside his house, so you go to knock on the door. However, one of those furry hats with the earflaps is hanging on the doorknob, and there's a little note pinned to it that says "DO NOT DISTURB" and then another note taped to that one that says "I don't own a necktie."

Looks like Marty's plan worked even better than expected. Go figure.

Occurs in Little Canadia.