Man with the red buttons
|Man with the red buttons|
|Locations||The Red Zeppelin|
|Monster Parts||head, arm, leg, torso, buttons|
This is one of the most mysterious operatives in the Red Army. His face is unremarkable; you wouldn't be able to pick him out of a lineup if you saw him again. His uniform is the same nondescript crimson as the rest of the Red Army. The only difference is he has four big, bright red buttons on his coat. Anyone who asks him why tends to die quickly and messily.
It is speculated that each button stands for a man he's killed, or a battleship he's sunk, or a game of canasta he's won. But I'm not about to ask him.
He headbutts you, rebounding off your skull with a weird little twisted smile. Ugh! Oof! Ooh! Ow!
He lashes out with his pinky finger, faster than your eye can follow, and fractures your collarbone with it. Ow! Argh! Argh! Eek!
He moves almost imperceptibly, breaking your nose without you even seeing which hand hit you. Eek! Ooh! Ow! Ugh!
He punches you in the solar plexus, his fist moving so fast you're not sure what hit you. Argh! Ugh! Oof! Ow!
He somehow crouches behind you and pushes you from the front at almost the same time, so you fall and crack your head. Eek! Ouch! Argh! Ooh!
He sweeps your legs out from under you without you even seeing his foot move. Oof! Ugh! Argh! Ugh!
He turns you around, grabs your underpants, and gives you a wedgie so severe he loops the underwear over your head. Then he mercilessly tickles your armpits until you almost wet yourself. "Time for another button," he mutters when he's through. Ooh! Ouch! Ooh! Oof!
He stands there, sizing you up, polishing one of his buttons.
One of his bright red buttons falls off of his coat, and he stops fighting, retrieves it, and meticulously sews it back on with a spool of crimson thread and a bright red needle. (FUMBLE!)
|You gain 120-180 Meat (average: 150, stdev: 12.65)*|
|You acquire an item: big red button (? chance)*|
|You acquire an item: red box (? chance)*|
|You acquire some red buttons (? chance)*|
Occurs at The Red Zeppelin.