Life Ain't Nothin But Witches and Mummies

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Life Ain't Nothin But Witches and Mummies
Life Ain't Nothin But Witches and Mummies

You find a narrow path -- more of an animal trail, really -- leading away from where you fought the biclops, and deeper into the woods.

It twists and turns, and the forest gets darker as you go. The trees become gnarled, wizened, almost skeletal things, reaching toward you with clawlike branches and snagging your clothes as you brush past them.

At this point, discovering a witch's hut is practically inevitable, and you find yourself hoping it's a gingerbread one, because you could really go for some gingerbread. Or some of those cheezy puffed corn things. What are the odds that a witch might build her house out of cheezy puffed corn snacks? you wonder. Boy, those poppies are really sticking with you.

Eventually, you find the hut. Sadly, it is a regular-old wooden shack, and not made of any sort of snacks. Also, the trees surrounding it are thick with cobwebs, from which hang dozens of man-sized cocoons. Many of them are twitching as though the occupants are struggling to free themselves.

So that sobers you up pretty quick.

Hesitantly, you approach the house, but before you reach the porch, the witch sticks her head out of the window and jeers at you. "Oh-ho! Another intruder, have we? More food for my pet?"

"Hey now," you say, raising your hands. "I just need directions to the White Citadel. I'm not looking for any trouble."

"Not looking for trouble? Eee-hee-hee! Well you've found it all the same, my pretty little trespasser!"

Cackling madly, she pulls out a wand and launches a fat pink beam at you. You throw yourself to the ground just in time to dodge it, but your familiar is not so lucky, and is turned into an adorable baby piggy. (And in case you were wondering, some sort of feedback loop caused by the extra-dimensional properties of your Familiar-Gro™ Terrarium causes a chain-reaction that turns all of your other familiars into adorable baby piggies as well.)

Still cackling, the witch slams the wooden shutters closed, and you hear a loud click as she latches them.

You look at your familiar, who blinks back at you with big round eyes and makes a little "oink?" sound. You sigh. Man, what is it with witches, anyway?

You leave your familiar to play in the mud for a bit as you inspect the witch's hut. It looks like a typical run-down shack, but (as is generally the case when witches are involved) there's more here than meets the eye. The wooden walls are gray and splintery, and the shingles are curling and uneven, but apart from the little window in the front door and the edges of the window-shutters, there are no gaps in the construction that let light through. It's a solidly-constructed house.

The front door is, of course, locked.

A chill breeze rustles the surrounding cobwebs as you try to decide what to do next. You could try to break down the front door, but a direct assault seems... unwise.

Maybe if you freed the people caught in these spider cocoons, they could help somehow? Of course, it's just as likely that they'd be driven crazy by the experience and attack you.

Cut down one of the cocoons

You carefully cut open one of the wriggling cocoons, and a W imp falls out. Looks like he wandered a little too far from the Friars' Gate.

Upon seeing you, he stands up with a sigh and prepares to attack you. He is a demonic imp after all, so it's basically his job regardless of how his chances look.

An imp's gotta do what an imp's gotta do.

(fight a W imp)


You carefully cut open one of the wriggling cocoons, and a Knob Goblin alchemist stumbles out. From what you can tell, he was out collecting magical roots, and was forced to eat them to keep from starving while cocooned.

You can tell this because his pupils are so dilated, you can't see the whites. Also he's gibbering incoherently while attacking you. Not that these guys are ever particularly coherent anyway.

So then you fight.

(fight a Knob Goblin Alchemist)


You carefully cut open one of the wriggling cocoons, releasing a knight in white satin. One might expect a knight dressed that way to be a good guy who wouldn't attack someone who was attempting to rescue him, but in this case that expectation would be incorrect. Perhaps he's trying to curry favor with the giant spider that imprisoned him by leaping to its defense, despite the fact that said spider is plainly able to defend itself?

It's also possible that he's just insane.

Just what the truth is, I can't say any more.

(fight a Knight in White Satin)


You carefully cut open one of the wriggling cocoons. Amidst a thick cloud of funny-smelling smoke, a bedraggled hippy with a necktie and wide, staring, extremely bloodshot eyes stumbles out.

He must be in the midst of a major freak-out, as he attacks you immediately. Can't blame him, really.

Here we go...

(fight a business hippy)


You carefully cut open one of the wriggling cocoons, and a dessicated corpse falls out. Ugh.

And then it stands up with a raspy moan and attacks you. Double ugh!

So much ugh you guys.

(fight a sticky mummy)


You carefully cut open one of the wriggling cocoons, and a lumberjack stumbles out. Presumably he got captured while wandering too far afield (aforest?) looking for a good tree to lumberize.

From the way he's attacking you, he still seems pretty set on that idea. I guess when all you have is an axe...

Wooden you?

(fight a decent lumberjack)


You carefully cut open one of the wriggling cocoons, which turns out to not be a person who has been captured for later devouring, but rather a huge egg sac. A huge egg sac filled with just-hatched baby spiders.

...I'm sorry, I'm too busy picturing that to actually write any more about it.

Oh god

(fight a giant mob of baby spiders)


You carefully cut open one of the wriggling cocoons, and a burglar falls out, gasping and coughing. You can tell he's a burglar, because he's wearing the classic burglar's black-and-white striped shirt, flat cap, and domino mask, and has a burlap sack labelled "SWAG". He doesn't seem especially swag covered in spiderweb and struggling to his feet, though.

"Thanks <buddy/lady>," he says. "Guess I picked the wrong house to... be walking near without any sort of ill intent whatsoever."

He waves and skulks off into the forest, surreptitiously discarding a small object as he leaves. You retrieve it, and it proves to be a... plastic rock?

Bigrock.gifYou acquire an item: plastic rock

Knock on the shutters

You knock on the witch's window, and call out "Hello?"

"Eee-hee-hee!" comes the cackle from inside. "Still here? Are you waiting for my pretty pet to gobble you up?"

"Look, er... ma'am, I didn't mean to trespass. I honestly just want to get to the White Citadel. Can you please tell me the way?"

"Oh, so polite! Well, I suppose that's worth a little something in this day and age. The White Citadel isn't far -- just take the path to the mountain cave, and it's right on the other side -- if you make it through! Eeeee-hee-hee-hee-heeee!"

"Um. Thanks. Could you turn my familiars back to normal before I go?"

"Nope! You'll have to come in and make me! Eee-hee-hee!"

Ugh. You walk back to your familiar, who is rolling gleefully in a puddle.

Kick in the front door

You march up to the front door, and pause to consider what you're about to do: Kick in a witch's front door. A witch that knows you're out here, and is certain to be ready for you. A witch who recently turned all your familiars into little piggies.

It doesn't sound like the best plan you've ever had, is what I'm saying.

Screw it, kick down the door

"Raaagh!" you shout, and although the door stays solidly closed, the doorframe shakes with the force of your kick.

Actually, the whole house appears to be shaking.

"Eeeee-hee-hee-heeee!" the witch shouts from inside. "You've gone and done it now! Destroy them, my pretty pet!"

You step back off the now violently-shaking porch, and fall backward onto the ground -- the house has unexpectedly lifted up by about a foot, and is continuing to rise. Your familiar squeals and tries to hide behind you.

Aw, dammit. You should have known -- if a witch's house isn't the gingerbread-type, it's probably the kind that has chicken legs.

Except this one has spider legs. Long, hairy, chitinous, sharply-pointed spider legs.

So much for the direct approach.

(Fight a spider-legged witch's hut) (Followed by fight an extremely annoyed witch)

Unlock the front door

As quietly as possible, you fit the key in the lock and release the bolt. Then you take a deep breath, throw the door open, and launch yourself at the witch.

With a shriek, the witch drops the sandwich she was preparing to bite into, and grabs for the wand on the table in front of her, but you quickly knock it away and it clatters to the floor.

"You'll pay for this!" she screeches. "You'll pay!"

"I just want my familiars back to normal, you crazy person!" you yell back.

Witches get stitches

(fight a surprised and annoyed witch)


The little piggy jogs happily after you as you walk away from the hut, grumbling.

Occurs at The Road to the White Citadel.


  • On first encountering this adventure, you gain the intrinsic SOME PIGS, turning all your familiars into Somepig.gif pigs.
  • Opening cocoons will reveal one of each monster until you find the guy with the plastic rock; after this you encounter one of the monsters at random.
  • The option to unlock the front door is only available with the witch's spare house key. Using the key to open the door will lead to a fight with a surprised and annoyed witch.
  • Knocking on the shutters does not end the adventure.