La Vie Boheme

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La Vie Boheme
La Vie Boheme

You wander out of the Rogue Windmill in a daze and end up in one of the slums -- er, Bohemian apartment buildings -- next door. Your senses are multifariously assaulted by strange smells, loud noises, and vertiginous camera angles. After dodging an unconscious Argentinean falling from the floor above you, you contemplate your options.

Check out the restrooms

You walk down a dingy, dimly-lit hallway to the communal bathroom at the end. The facilities are coated in various colors and textures of mold, slime, and unidentifiable gick -- you certainly wouldn't want to either number 1, 2, or 3 in here. Fortunately, since you've never done any of these things in the Kingdom, you're not about to start now.

You see the Voyeuristic Artist zipping up at one of the urinals. He sees you and beckons you over. Since he's too short to reach the sink, you decline his proffered handshake. He motions for you to bend down so he can whisper in your ear.

"Hey," he says, "you look like a nice kid. Maybe you can help me out, and help yourself out a little in the process."

"Uh, what do you need?"

"The hottest -- I mean, sweetest and most Bohemian -- courtesan in the whole Rogue Windmill is getting ready to give herself to our arch-nemesis, the Rat-Faced Duke. He won't finance our new musical until she gives it up to him, but we can't let her do it. I mean, that guy's the antithesis of our whole movement! I think with my artist's skills, I can disguise you to look like him."

"Oh," you say, "so you want me to woo the courtesan, become her one true love, and live happily for a few weeks before she dies of consumption?"

"Well, we hadn't really thought that out," he says, "but at the very least, you could get some action."

You're not sure how much action you want from someone who's constantly coughing up blood, but you sit back, relax for a while, and let the Artist disguise you, just to get him off your back.

HPYou gain 80-100 hit points.
Ratmask.gifYou acquire an effect: Rat-Faced
(duration: 5 Adventures)

Check out the roof

You take the stairs to the roof, which is slightly more hazardous than taking the elevator to the mezzanine. There's something about the view from up here that's a little trippy -- for example, you're pretty sure the moons aren't supposed to be about three feet away, and doubly sure they don't have some fat guy's opera-singing face in them. And clouds aren't usually solid enough to stand on, not to mention dance on, like that courtesan and that sensitive poet-type are doing.

You slowly back up toward the door you came in, but accidentally knock over a bunch of trash cans. The noise seems to break the spell over the landscape -- the face on the moon disappears, and the two dancers fall to the roof with a thump. The courtesan sits up, says "wait... what am I doing? I can't fall in love with you! Love is like oxygen, and I hate oxygen!" She quickly gets to her feet and runs back into the building.

The sensitive poet-type clenches his fists and marches up to you. "Look," he says, "there is absolutely, positively, NOTHING BOHEMIAN about cock-blocking. The beautiful, free, lovely truth is that I'm about to use your face as a punching bag."

sensitive poet-type This monster is a Dude -- (edit metadata)
  • Item Drops: sensitive poetry journal, A muse-bouchem
  • Meat Drop: None
  • Monster Level: Scales with player stats (Max 125) • Substat Gain: Scales with player stats (Max 31.25) • Moxie for No Hit*: Scales with player stats (Max 132)
  • Monster Defense: Scales with player stats
  • Hit Points: Scales with player stats
  • Initiative: 60
  • Elemental Alignment: None

Check the upstairs apartment

Tell Me, Who Will Still Care?

You decide to see what kind of wild party's going on upstairs; you've never been to a shindig so crazy that you start throwing people through a hole in the floor. You walk upstairs and find a gaggle of Bohemians planning some kind of ... well, it's either a play, an art exhibition, or a really weird soccer game. At the moment, though, they're mostly shouting at each other.

"Hey guys, what's the matter?" you ask.

"Ah, another young writer come to make his fortune and taste the pleasures of the Rogue Windmill!" some dude in a bright blue wig says.

"Uh, sure," you say. "What're you fighting about?"

"Well," Blue Wig continues, "we're trying to write the ultimate Bohemian musical, all about Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and Love. But it's tricky, because we can only use the lyrics to popular songs that won't be written for almost a hundred years."

"Huh." you search your memory for anachronistic pop culture references. "I think the sentiments you're trying to express can be best rendered by this ditty: 'Mmm bop, ba deep ba dop bop doo wop, dibby bop bop doo wop, dibby bop bop doo.' Just repeat that a couple of times and the audience will know what you mean."

"That's perfect! You're brilliant!" the Bohemians shower you with praise and praise you with showers until your ego feels thoroughly massaged.

You gain 1*mainstat (maximum 150) Chutzpah.

Occurs at The Rogue Windmill.


  • It's nearly impossible to find a line on this entire page that isn't a reference to Moulin Rouge!. Just go watch the movie.
  • The lyrics "Mmm bop, ba deep ba dop etc." refer to the briefly-popular MMMBop by Hanson.
  • The name "La Vie Boheme" (French: the Bohemian life) is a song from the musical Rent.
  • The line about "taking the elevator to the mezzanine" may be a reference to the song Super Bon-Bon by Soul Coughing
  • The line "love is like oxygen" references a song of the same name by British glam rock band Sweet.