KOLHS/Messages

Trying to adventure outside of the School at the start of the day

The truancy officer grabs you by the ear and gives you a talking-to. You should probably get to school before you get into more trouble.

Ol' Mr. Jenkins steps out of his house (he lives just across the way, naturally) and shakes his fist at you. "Damn kids! Get back to school!" he shouts. You should probably head off to school before you give him a coronary.

You plan to go on adventures all around the Kingdom today--maybe drive a sports car, go to an art museum, and crash a parade--but then you remember you have to go to school instead. Why don't you head over there now?

You see a police officer on his bitchin' meatcycle just up ahead. You'd better get to school before he sees you!

A truancy officer blocks your way, arms folded. "You can go adventuring after school," he says, firmly.

The truancy officer sees you coming and chases after you with his billy-club at the ready. You duck down an alley, then decide you should go to school rather than get smacked.

You don't want to be late for school, do you? What? You don't want to go to school at all? Well, too bad.

You've got to get to school. You can't just go gallivanting around like some kind of adventurer in a role-playing game!

Trying to wear a hat in the School

A cheerleader on the Spirit Squad says you have to take off your hat before you go into school, and won't leave you alone until you do.

"Hey, you can't wear hats in school!" the principal says, as you try to get to class. What a fascist.

"No hats in school! It's disrespectful!" a teacher bars your way from entering until you take off your apparently rude headgear.

"Hey!" the hall monitor says as you walk in, "no hats in school! Unless you're a girl with a little hat that's part of your hairstyle!"

A jock on the Spirit Squad bars your way and won't let you in until you take off your hat.

"No hats in the school!" the principal says as you try to come in. You almost point out that with hair like his, a hat would be a blessing, but bite your tongue.

"No hats in the school building!" a teacher says as you try to walk in. "That's the most important thing you can learn here!" Well, that's depressing.

A hall monitor stops you before you can get in the building. "No hats in school!" he says, adjusting his pocket protector.

Using a Muscle class skill in combat

A jock notices your fighting style and runs over for a fist-bump.

A passing jock says, "right on, brah!"

A couple of jocks high-five you as they pass.

A passing jock gives you a fist-bump, and even blows it up after.

A passing jock tosses you a football and you manage to catch and toss it back. Nice!

A passing jock says, "way to go, bro!"

A meat-headed jock offers to spot you in the fight. You refuse, but it looks like you're making friends.

A passing cheerleader stops to remind you to BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE.

The coach of the lacrosse team notes your fighting style and suggests you try out for the squad.

A couple of cheerleaders cheer you on. You must be turning into a jock.

A passing jock says, "kick some ass, brah!" and throws you the devil horns.

A nearby lacrosse player suggests you should try out for the team.

A couple of jocks bringing a nerd back from a swirly give you fist bumps.

A jock pauses in his wedgie-giving to high-five you.

You crush a soda can against your forehead and belch the entire alphabet. You're so thoroughly a jock now that even your itches are of the jock variety.

You acquire an intrinsic: Jamming with the Jocks[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

You snap the principal with a towel as he walks by, and he just blushes and runs away. You're definitely the jock who rules the school.

You acquire an intrinsic: Jamming with the Jocks[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

You armwrestle the Phys Ed teacher and handily pin him in less than a minute. If you were any more ripped, you'd be completely torn.

You acquire an intrinsic: Jamming with the Jocks[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

You ponder giving a nerd a swirly, but then you realize you don't need to. You're so thoroughly a jock that you don't even have to torment nerds to shore up your identity!

You acquire an intrinsic: Jamming with the Jocks[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

You walk down the hall and shove nerds into lockers left and right, with both hands at once, without looking. You're so athletic, even your supporters are athletic, too.

You acquire an intrinsic: Jamming with the Jocks[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

You give a congratulatory headbutt to a fellow jock as you walk down the hallway, and smirk as he winces and staggers backward. You're definitely the alpha jock now.

You acquire an intrinsic: Jamming with the Jocks[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

Using a Mysticality class skill in combat

A nerd watching you fight nods and says, "you are superior to your opponent in the same way that Spider-man is superior to Superman."

A nerd watching the fight nods and says, "you are superior to your opponent in the same way that everything from Distant Lands is better than everything here."

A group of nerds point and stare at you in awe, or at least that's what it looks like through their giant glasses.

A couple of nerds watching you fight applaud enthusiastically. "This is better than the third OAV series of Miyugi Space Huntress!" one shouts.

A nerd passes by and says, "wow, you must have rolled a natural 20 on that attack!"

A nerd passes by, holds up his hand in an uncomfortable-looking pose, and says, "live long and prosper."

A passing nerd offers his blade, bow, and ax to assist you in the fight. You refuse, but you're grateful for the offer.

A nerd passes by and says, "truly, the Force is strong with this one."

A nerd watching you fight nods appreciatively and says, "you are superior to your opponent in the same way that subtitled anime is superior to dubbed anime."

A nerd passes by and says, "you're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!"

A passing nerd says, "wow, that was a critical hit!"

A nerd passes by and says, "woah. You know Kung Fu."

A nerd passes by and says, "can it be? This one IS the kwisatz haderach!"

A nerd watching you fight says, "wow! You fight harder than Lance Corporal Edmonton of the Space Corps did in Space Corps #327!"

You walk past a couple of nerds arguing about the best weapon to use to survive a zombie apocalypse. You make a convincing, withering argument in favor of a simple nailbat, then walk off feeling like the ruler of all nerd-dom.

You acquire an intrinsic: Nerd is the Word[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

A hall monitor stomps up to you and says he needs to see your hall pass. "You don't need to see my hall pass. I'm free to go," you say, waving your palm at him. He looks confused, and you slide on by, the monarch of the nerds.

You acquire an intrinsic: Nerd is the Word[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

You sketch out the details of a truly awe-inspiring Cubicles & Conference Calls campaign in your head as you walk through the school. None of these sheeple know just how awe-inspiringly nerdy you are.

You acquire an intrinsic: Nerd is the Word[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

Using a Moxie class skill in combat

A passing greaser gives you a thumbs-up and an "Ayyyy."

You feel a little more cool after that. You ponder getting a leather jacket and a T-bird. Or at least a bottle of T-bird.

A greaser stops on his way out for a cigarette break and cocks an eyebrow at you, appreciatively.

One of the school's leather-jacketed cool kids tips his head a couple degrees in your direction, which is a ringing endorsement from those guys.

A girl in a pink leather jacket blows you a kiss.

A leather-jacketed greaser walks by and gives you a high-five, and doesn't even do the "down low--too slow" thing. Cool!

A greaser sees your moves and walks up to teach you the super-secret cool handshake they do. Dude!

One of the school's leather-jacketed cool kids looks over his sunglasses at you. He seems to think you've got some potential.

A greaser watching the fight tilts his chin up, almost imperceptibly. That's the same thing as a non-cool person bursting into applause.

A passing greaser flips his switch-comb and gives you an approving nod.

A watching gang of leather-jacketed greasers give you simultaneous thumbs-up.

You finish your move and feel pretty cool, like you should buy a motorcycle and ride it without a helmet. Even though that's a terrible idea.

A girl in a pink leather jacket narrows her eyes and pops her bubble gum appreciatively.

A greaser girl is so impressed by your style that she drops her cherry-red lipstick.

You lean back and take in the teeming masses of students and teachers around you. You're above all of it. You know who owns this school. You couldn't be any cooler if you were sitting in a bucket of ice.

You acquire an intrinsic: Greaser Lightnin'[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

You see one of the teachers pass by. "Keep up the stellar knowledge-giving, <Mrs.|Mr.> G.," you say, <giving her a thumbs up|winking>, then smile as <her|his> knees <go weak|buckle> and <she|he> almost runs into a wall. <Dag|Man>, you're cool.

You acquire an intrinsic: Greaser Lightnin'[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

The principal walks by and holds his hand up for a high-five. You give him the ol' fake-out, and he blushes. You're so cool, you make Fonzie look like Horshack (apologies if you were born after 1985 and don't get either reference).

You acquire an intrinsic: Greaser Lightnin'[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

You throw an elbow at a nearby jukebox and it immediately starts up, even though it wasn't plugged in. MAN, you're cool.

You acquire an intrinsic: Greaser Lightnin'[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

You hear the school receptionist talking as you walk past the office. Apparently everyone thinks you're a "righteous dude." You've finally hit the pinnacle of cool--maybe you should take a day off.

You acquire an intrinsic: Greaser Lightnin'[[Data:{{{effect}}}]]

Acquiring booze in random adventures outside of the school

You pay a guy 100 meat to buy you some beer. He goes into a nearby bodega and comes back out with a single beer that says "BEER O'CLOCK" on the can.

You acquire an item: can of the cheapest beer

You lose 100 Meat.

You pay a guy 100 meat to buy you some beer. He goes into a store and comes out with a can of Mr. Schritz, the Distant Lands knock-off beer that's as expensive as it is delicious, and is the cheapest beer in the store.

You acquire an item: can of the cheapest beer

You lose 100 Meat.

You pay a guy 100 meat to buy you some beer. He ducks into a store and comes back out with a single can of Willer Extra Light, which some say is just Mountain Stream Soda in a different bottle.

You acquire an item: can of the cheapest beer

You lose 100 Meat.

You ask a middle-aged housewife to buy some booze for you. She takes your 100 meat and returns with a bottle of fruit-infused cheap wine, and apologizes that the boxes of wine were a little over her budget.

You acquire an item: bottle of fruity "wine"

You lose 100 Meat.

You ask a bored housewife to buy some booze for you. She takes 100 meat and comes back with a bottle of sugared, flavored wine. You're either going to be a hero for having booze, or get laughed at for having this booze.

You acquire an item: bottle of fruity "wine"

You lose 100 Meat.

You ask an elderly woman to buy some booze for you. She takes your 100 meat and returns with a bottle of <peach|blue raspberry|sour apple|chokecherry|elderberry|lingonberry|maple syrup|red licorice>-flavored wine. It's going to be so sweet it hurts your teeth, but it'll get the job at least partially done.

You acquire an item: bottle of fruity "wine"

You lose 100 Meat.

You ask a bedraggled looking middle aged lady to buy you some booze. She takes 100 Meat and returns with some a bottle of <Harbor Smog|Fred's Farm> wine. You complain, but her cigarette-roughened harpy voice puts you in your place.

You acquire an item: bottle of fruity "wine"

You lose 100 Meat.

You give your babysitter's no-good boyfriend 100 meat to steal some booze for you. All you got is a bottle with one swig of vodka left in it, so you'd better make that swig count.

You acquire an item: single swig of vodka

You lose 100 Meat.

You pay one of your buddy's older brothers 100 meat for some of their leftover booze. You get a bottle with only one swallow of vodka in it, but you can't complain or he'll noogie you.

You acquire an item: single swig of vodka

You lose 100 Meat.

You see an empty bottle of vodka bobbing in a nearby puddle. Wait! There's one swig of vodka left in it! You hop into the puddle, but it's deeper than you realized. You get the bottle, but 100 meat floats out of your wallet and you can't find it again.

You acquire an item: single swig of vodka

You lose 100 Meat.

You pay 100 meat to get into an exclusive after-school clubhouse, where they have an actual liquor cabinet stocked with stuff stolen from all the members' parents. You sneak an almost-empty bottle of vodka out with you.

You acquire an item: single swig of vodka

You lose 100 Meat.

You pay 100 meat to go see a movie (you know, in that movie theater across from the library). The movie sucks, but you find a mostly-empty bottle of vodka under your seat!

You acquire an item: single swig of vodka

You lose 100 Meat.

You give a hobo 100 meat for his booze bottle with one swallow of vodka left in it. Or, at this point, mostly vodka.

You acquire an item: single swig of vodka

You lose 100 Meat.

Trying to adventure in school after it's over for the day

If you hang out too long after school, you'll get roped into clapping the erasers and scraping gum off the desks. Better just come back tomorrow.

All the teachers and students have gone home. It's quiet--a little too quiet. Empty school buildings are profoundly creepy.

School's out for summer! School's out forever! Nah, just kidding. School's just out for the day. You still have to come back tomorrow.

School's out for the day. The only people hanging out are the seniors making paddles in woodshop. Trust me, you don't want to get anywhere near them.

You've had all the schooling you can handle today, and if you take any more extra-curriculars you're going to end up fighting with Bill Murray over a teacher's affections. Don't let that happen to you.

You've had enough book-learnin' for today. Unless you want to hang out and watch the janitors clean gum from under the desks, you should just come back tomorrow.

You don't want to be in school a minute longer than you have to. Why don't you go hit up an arcade or something?

If you keep hanging around after school, you're going to get shanghaied into cleaning sweat off the wrestling mats. You should probably go elsewhere.

School's out! Woo! Time to hang out on the corner and read comic books!

The school day's finally over! Now you can go hang out at the arcade and eat candy all afternoon!

Trying to adventure in school with a familiar weighing more than 10 lbs.

Note: The 10 pound restriction applies to base weight, not buffed weight.

A teacher stops you on your way through the school. "No pets allowed in school!" She says. But then to prove she's the 'cool' teacher, she whispers, "though you could probably smuggle a smaller one in your pocket or something."

A teacher stops you as you walk through the school. "No pets allowed!" he says.

"But it followed me to school today!" you protest.

"That's also against the rules," he replies. "That thing's way too big to bring into school!"

A hall monitor stops you as you try to walk in and reminds you that KoLHS has a strict "No Pets" policy. And yes, they consider your familiar a pet, even if you think of it as an equipment slot. Maybe a smaller familiar could ride in your hoodie pocket, or something.

You see a flier on the school wall, printed in Comic Sans (naturally), that reads DUE TO RECENT "PROBLEMS," PETS HEAVIER THAN TEN "POUNDS" ARE NOT WELCOME IN "SCHOOL." You'd think at a place of learning, they'd learn not to put random things in quotation marks.

Notes

• If you find an item for the Bounty Hunter Hunter in the same turn as finding booze, the (X of Y found) message appears on the same line as the booze-finding message, without even a space to separate them.

References

• Driving a sports car, going to an art museum, crashing a parade and being a "righteous dude" are all references to Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
• The message about being aggressive is a reference to Brad Neely's song Role Play Tournament from his Baby Cakes series.
• "School's out for summer! School's out forever!" are lines from the Alice Cooper song "School's Out".
• "Fighting with Bill Murray over a teacher's affections" is a reference to the 1998 movie Rushmore, where Bill Murray plays a rich industrialist fighting with a teenager over a widowed teacher's affections.
• A number of greaser messages reference the mannerisms of Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli from Happy Days, and the intrinsic-giving message also references Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter, who was on the opposite end of the "cool" spectrum. Both shows were primarily famous in the 70's (though Happy Days continued in 1984), hence the apology for those born after 1985.
• "If you were any more ripped, you'd be completely torn." This refers to actor Rip Torn.

See Also

• KOLHS