Interview With You (Isabella)
A small bell chimes above the door of Isabella's as you enter. You look around for the shop's owner, but the place seems deserted. Finally you see a little sign on the wall that says, "Please Brood Intensely For Service." You narrow your eyes, pout your lips, and ponder the endless delicious torment you suffer as a child of the night. You almost throw up in your mouth a little, choking on your own existential angst. But finally the shop's proprietor steps around a curtain in the back and walks toward you.
"Greetings, oh dweller of the night," she says, through lips bizarrely large and thick. It's like her face has a little too much -- well, face. "How may I serve you? Would you have some eyeliner for your dark eyes? Some glitter for your fierce predator's skin? Some --" and she crashes to the ground, unconscious. After an uncomfortable few seconds of silence, she gets up again.
"Sorry, I forgot to breathe for a minute there. Didn't realize it until I passed out! Anyway, you seem to be new to the Dark Family, so you'll want the full kit."
Over your mild protests, Isabella squeezes you into some skinny jeans, spikes your hair with a five-gallon tub of hair gel, outlines your eyes with eyeliner, and douses you in body glitter. Then she shows you to a mirror, and you're very grateful that vampires don't have reflections. "Uh. What do I owe you?" you ask.
"Oh, just order me around and say mean things to me. That's payment enough!" Isabella responds.
"No. I'm not doing that. That's not sexy. That's demeaning. You should have a little self-respect," you growl.
"Thanks, dear!" Isabella says. "Now go have fun. And make sure you only bite women, even if you're not usually into that sort of thing! I'll be waiting up all night until you come back. I'll probably be crying." And she shoos you out of the shop.
|See Where the Night Takes You|
You step out the door, breathing deep of the night, feeling it wrap you like a cloak of infinite darkness. Your dark eyes flash as you ponder the endless pleasures that await you in the darkness, and how none of those pleasures could compare to going to someone's high school Prom.
You decide to go hunt for human prey, for someone you can snap at, or threaten with violence, or maybe just watch sleep for a while. But before your hunt can begin, you smell the most delicious blood you've ever smelled. It's like your own personal heroin. You've never wanted to drink any blood as bad as you want to drink this blood. It's awesome smelling blood, is what I'm saying.
You follow the intoxicating scent and find a pale, twitchy, mousy teenaged girl, who is furiously scribbling in a journal. She looks up as you approach, and her face convulses oddly. Which, you'll soon find, is not a rare or significant thing. "Who are you?" she snaps. "What do you want? I'm busy brooding because I'm the new girl at school and everyone loves me and wants to be my best friend or date me, or whatever. It's like, 'LEAVE ME ALONE! Can't you see I'm tormented?'"
For some reason, every word she says makes you want that irresistible, delicious blood all the more.
|Drain Her Dry|
|Redirect Your Desire|
|Tell Her How You Feel|
|Interview With You/Drain Her Dry|
"Is it cool if I drink all of your blood?" you say.
The girl shrugs and goes back to scribbling in her journal. There's an extended awkward silence, which is probably meant to convey some undercurrent of emotion, but fails utterly.
Then you leap on the girl, sink your fangs into her neck, and drink until she finally, blessedly, stops twitching. Her blood races like fire through your veins, only the kind of fire that makes you feel stronger -- not like literal fire in your veins, which would kill the crap out of you.
As you let her limp body fall to the ground, you hear a snarl behind you. You spin around and see another skinny-jeaned, hair-gelled vampire baring his fangs at you. "Damn it!" he shouts. "I was going to do that, eventually, after we danced together, and I almost made her kill herself, and she almost made me kill myself, and after we were properly married! The way you did it was just . . . immoral! And it looked totally satisfying and awesome!" Then he bursts into tears and runs away.
|You gain X Muscleboundness.|
|Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire|
"I, uh --" you say, and there's an excruciatingly long and awkward silence.
"Yeah, I --" she says, staring blankly at you, and there's another long, painful silence.
"I better go," you say, and run off to find something else to sink your throbbing fangs into.
Eventually you see a rat scurrying around in the darkness, and grab it. But before you can chow down, another vampire steps from the shadows and grabs your arm. He has glowing eyes, long, blond hair, and blue veins visible beneath his translucent cheeks.
"Louis. . ." he says, disapprovingly, "what did I tell you about eating vermin? You're a hunter! You're a predator. Humans are our prey! What would Xenu think if he saw you reduced to this?"
"Who what now?" you ask, distracted by the vampire's huge, freakishly white teeth.
"Come on, I'll give you the choice I never had: let's go to a party and eat some people! Or we can go to that vampire bar that just opened down by the swamp! For Xenu's sake, Louis, at least enjoy being a vampire a little bit before you chow down on a rat!"
You're not sure who Xenu or Louie are, but the vampire may have a point.
|Go to the Bar|
|Enjoy your Vampness|
|Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire/Go Party|
You follow the vampire to an ancient and decrepit mansion. He dons a mask and a cape, whispers a passphrase to the butler, and ushers you inside.
It doesn't look like much of a shindig -- heck, it would barely pass as a clambake, and it's nowhere near a barn-burner. There are a bunch of people milling around in cloaks and masks, with a few women wearing masks and not much else serving drinks.
"Look around you, Louis," the vampire says, "is this not the most decadent and shocking thing you have ever seen? See how these human animals behave behind closed doors? Is your world not turned completely upside down by this glimpse at their seedy underbelly?"
"Yup," you say, stifling a yawn. "In fact, I'm so shocked and amazed that I've lost my appetite. I'll catch up with you later. You go ahead and eat some of these guys."
"Hey, I don't care what you've heard, I'm only out to drain the ladies, okay, pal?"
"Forget it," you say, and wander off into the night, alone with your vampire pain again.
|Brood in Solitude|
You find a nice deserted alley to brood in, complete with shadows for skulking and and a lone streetlight to stand under with your head bowed and eyes glowering. Man, it sucks to be a vampire. Sure, you live forever, and you're almost invulnerable, and everyone finds you irresistibly sexy, but it's like -- you're just so lonely, man. No one understands you. Especially your mom and dad.
"So, is this a private pity party, or can anyone join?" a girl with blonde hair and an improbably-shaped nose leaps from a nearby rooftop to land gracefully in front of you.
"I'm really not in the mood to eat right now," you say, "so you'd better leave me alone."
"Oooh, look at Broody Von Stoicpants here! Y'know, I should probably just make with the slayage and put you out of your misery. You vamps think you have it so hard. Try being me for a while! I have to deal with you people!"
"Y'know, maybe I should eat you after all," you growl.
"Oh, great, so now you're hitting on me, huh? Well, you are kind of cute . . . I was always a sucker for a brooder. Broodie? One who broods."
|Go for the Jugular|
|Go for First Base|
|Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire/Go Party/Go for the Jugular|
You lean in for a kiss, and as the woman closes her eyes, you sink your fangs into her neck. You gulp down a few swallows of unimaginably potent blood before she shoves you away.
"Hey, no sucking on the first date!" she says, then blushes. "Er, I mean, I don't let guys penetrate me until they really get to know me first! Um, penetrate with their fangs in my neck, I mean. Not that I do let them penetrate me any other way, either! Um, just get away from me, okay?"
You dash off into the night, feeling her blood practically vibrating in your veins.
|You gain X Strengthliness.|
|Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire/Go Party/Go for First Base|
You lean in for a kiss, but you're distracted by the throbbing jugular vein just below the woman's jawline. "Look, I'm a little too thirsty for this," you say. "Maybe I should go find someone to drink."
The woman smiles. "Well, shoot, why didn't y'all say so? You just come with me, and I'll take you to the best doggone place for a vampire to get a drink in all of Dixie!"
She walks off and you follow, slightly confused by her sudden change in dialect.
|Follow Her, Y'all|
[this is the same as "go to the Bar", below]
|Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire/Go to the Bar|
The two of you walk due south. You pass decaying plantation houses where women in frilly dresses sip mint juleps under magnolia trees, walk through trailer parks where filthy toothless children play in the mud, and sneak around a bonfire where a voodoo priest performs a deadly rite with chicken teeth and gerbil bones. When you've finally seen every cliche you could possibly see, you arrive at a little bar next to a swamp.
It looks like a pretty ordinary bar and grill: rustic in a generic way, deer antlers on the walls, cheap beer on tap. You grab a table and a waitress walks over. "How y'all doin' today, y'all?" she asks, offering you a slice of pie.
"Um, we all are doing fine, I guess." you say.
"Well, y 'all, that's just right nice as a pig in a poke, y'all," the waitress says, grinnin'. "Y'all want to get naked and screw?"
"Y'all want to get all buck nekkid and have freaky sex? It's what weuns do for fun around these parts!"
"Uh, no thanks," you say. "Actually, I heard --" you lower your voice to a whisper -- "I heard this was a vampire bar. I'm looking for some human prey."
The waitress laughs. "Well, y'all won't have much luck here, y'all! I'm actually a fairy, and that guy over there's a werewolf. The brunette over there's a dryad, and that feller in the corner is actually a will o' the wisp."
"Huh," you respond. "And what about that skinny lady at the bar?"
"She's secretly a mop," the waitress says. "Shut my mouth! Come to think of it, there ain't a single human here at all! But y'all don't have to drink nobody's blood to quench your thirst, honey-child. That's what RealBlud's for!"
She pops open a bright-red bottle and slides it across the table to you. "Kiss my grits, y'all, it's just what the vampire ordered!"
|Drink the RealBlud|
You down the bottle of RealBlud. It's less filling than regular blood, but it tastes -- well, less satisfying than regular blood. Still, it hits the spot, and you feel good about getting your fix without hurting anyone. Now you just have to resist the urge to get buck nekkid and get your freak on with everyone in a ten-mile radius.
|You gain X Chutzpah.|
|Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire/Enjoy your Vampness|
You wander off into a nearby forest, opening yourself to the night around you. Then you remember the local decency laws and settle for opening your senses to the night around you.
It's amazing! You can see in the dark as if it were daylight! You can hear the worms tunneling beneath your feet! You can smell the scent of every person who has passed this way in the last twelve hours!
Okay, so that last part isn't so pleasant, but you get the idea. Being a vampire means having all of your senses turned up to 11, all the time. You're overwhelmed by all sensory input; you have to focus or you'll go crazy.
|Listen to the Cheeldren of the Night|
You listen to the Cheeldren of the Night, and the music that they make. You hear some wolves howling in the distance, and are even able to translate what they're saying: "Hey! This is my property right here! I marked it with my pee! MINE!"
You also hear the screech of an owl, the squeak of a rabbit, and a sickening crunch that probably doesn't mean the rabbit just took out the owl. The series of rending chomps that follow would sicken a mere mortal, but for a vampire, it's a symphony. Only, y'know, the kind of symphony that makes you hungry, instead of making you fall asleep. You want to feel how that owl feels.
So you chase down a rat and eat it. You feel as one with the animal inside you and the animals scurrying in the dark outside.
You also feel like you should probably brush your teeth.
|You gain X Magicalness.|
|Search for Human Prey|
You focus your senses and hear a hushed conversation coming from the trees ahead of you. You sneak closer to get a look at who's conversating.
You see a man and a woman sitting in the lotus position, holding hands, their eyes closed.
"Oh, man, there are nictitating mushroom angels flattering the chain monkeys!" the man moans.
"Yes, I see them," the woman says. "Oh, god, and look! The sunshine phylactery is cracked and is leaking bliss!"
"Yeah, I -- oh -- I'm coming down," the man says, frowning.
"Yeah, it's wearing off. The sandaled lupine doubloons are gone. Bummer, man. We have to score some more of this stuff!"
The man looks up and sees you standing there. "Woah, you're a vampire!" he says. "Hey, can we buy some of your blood?"
"I'm pretty sure that's not how the transaction's supposed to work. I think I'm supposed to suck your blood."
"Well, sure, but you can suck blood any time. We'll give you prime rib for some of your blood. Y'see, in humans, vampire blood produces a psychedelic effect that's -- well, it's just neat."
"Or, y'know, I could suck your blood and then steal your meat afterward," you say.
"Nah, you can't do that because our blood has vamp blood in it right now, so it'd be like, totally poison to you," the woman says.
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Look. You give us a little blood, we give you some meat, everyone's happy, okay?" the man says, holding out his wallet.
Since you're new to the vampire thing, you decide it's safer not to risk getting poisoned, and make the transaction.
|You gain 111 Meat.|
|You lose 1-4 hit points.|
|Interview With You/Tell Her How You Feel|
"Let's not beat around the bush, here," you say, your black-ochre eyes flashing with tawny butterscotch, "I want to drink your blood until it kills you."
"Oh my gosh, that's so romantic," the girl says, twitching and fidgeting. "You're like a dream of a movie star of a sculpture by Michelangelo."
"No, you don't get it," you growl, exasperatedly. "I want to straight up murder you by draining your blood."
"Why would an exquisite creature like you ever want a mousy, uninteresting girl like me?"
"Because your blood smells good, and I want to drink it! Doesn't that terrify you or anything?"
"I'm sure if you want to do it, it's the right thing to do. You know best!" she says, leaning close and exposing her neck.
Okay, this is just getting sad.
|Find Other Prey|
|Go Brood in Solitude|
|Take a Walk|
|Interview With You/Tell Her How You Feel/Find Other Prey|
You flee the disturbingly submissive girl to find prey that will have the good sense to run away in terror at your approach.
You end up eating a rat, which doesn't taste as good as a human, but at least doesn't shower you in self-effacing compliments while you're murdering it.
The rat blood mingles with your vampire senses, mixing its instincts with your own, until you feel at one with the vast web of life.
You also feel a desire to hoard shiny objects and spread the plague, but you resist.
|You gain X Wizardliness.|
|Interview With You/Tell Her How You Feel/Go Brood in Solitude|
[this is the same as "Brood in Solitude", above]
|Interview With You/Tell Her How You Feel/Take a Walk|
[this is the same as "Enjoy your Vampness", above]
Stats gained are equal to 4*mainstat, capped at 500
- The part with the mousy teenager refers to Twilight.
- The vampire calling you Louis is Lestat from Interview With a Vampire. The references to Xenu are there because in the movie version Lestat was played by Tom Cruise, who is a Scientologist.
- The bar is a large reference to the HBO series True Blood. It features an ever-growing number of non-human characters, plenty of Deep South clichés, the titular synthetic blood, and, yes, lots of gratuitous sex.
- Go Party's second portion (Brood in Solitude) is a reference to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
- "Listen to the Children of the Night" is a quote from Dracula.