Intergnat

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Familiar number: 203
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Intergnat
The internet is not just for porn anymore! Now it's memes and fights.

Does a wide variety of dumb and occasionally useful things, just like the actual internet.

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Ability: Increases Item Drops like a Fairy, drops BACON, and does other things based on its modifier.

Throne/Bjorn: +10 to Monster Level, occasionally deals damage.

Hatchling: disconnected intergnat

Familiar-Specific Equipment: high-speed upgrade

	Ultimate Cage Match	Scavenger Hunt	Obstacle Course	Hide and Seek

Mumming Trunk Abilities:

+15% Meat Drop	6-10 MP	+4 Muscle statgain	+15% Item Drop	+4 Mysticality statgain	8-10 HP	+2 Moxie statgain
						Deals Sleaze damage*
*Hover for details

Cannot breathe underwater

Combat Messages

• Regular messages (against an opponent NAMED NEIL):

  <name> says, "As Neal Stephenson once said, 'The difference between stupid and intelligent people -- and this is true whether or not they are well-educated -- is that intelligent people can handle subtlety,'" and beats your opponent with outrageous subtlety for 1 damage.

  <name> says, "As Neil Armstrong once said, 'Research is creating new knowledge,'" and beats the enemy with outrageous knowledge for X damage.

  <name> says, "As Neil Cassady once said, 'Sometimes I sits and thinks. Other times I sits and drinks, but mostly I just sits,'" and beats your opponent with outrageous beatings for X damage.

  <name> says, "As Neil Degrasse Tyson once said, 'If your ego starts out, "I am important, I am big, I am special," you're in for some disappointments when you look around at what we've discovered about the universe!'" and beats the enemy with outrageous perspective for X damage.

  <name> says, "As Neil Diamond once said, 'When you're on a merry-go-round, you miss a lot of the scenery,'" and beats your opponent with outrageous merriness for X damage.

  <name> says, "As Neil Gaiman once said, 'The imagination is a muscle. If it is not exercised, it atrophies,'" and beats the enemy with outrageous imagination for X damage.

  <name> says, "As Neil Patrick Harris once said, 'When you're sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead!'" and beats the enemy with outrageous awesomeness for X damage.

  <name> says, "As Neil Peart once said, 'If you've got a problem, take it out on a drum,'" and takes it out on your opponent for X damage.

  <name> says, "As Neil Young once said, 'It's better to burn out, than to fade away,'" and beats your opponent with outrageous burning for X damage.

• After Combat (increased item drop):

  <name> finds a leek somewhere and sings a polka while twirling it around.

  <name> does the Harlem Shake, kind of. I mean it doesn't have quite the right anatomy for it but you guess that's what it's going for.

  <name> does a strange, angry-looking stompy sort of dance, while shouting "DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS".

  <name> starts twerking. Is... is that a thing a gnat can do? I guess if a gnat has legs it must also have a butt.

• After Combat (against an ELDRITCH HORROR):

  <name> drops a thin black candle into your hand. It smells kind of weird... ugh, because it's made of bacon fat. Why does every dang thing have to be bacon?

  <name> gives you a thin black candle with "Team Edward" painted on the side.

  <name> gives you a thin black candle. The tag on it says "MONEY/LOVE/POWER SPELL money/love/power not guaranteed please remember to leave 5-star feedback"

  <name> buzzes past your ear and drops a thin black candle. Looks like it's been buying handmade crap off Etsy again.

You acquire an item: thin black candle

• <name> pops up unexpectedly, interrupting what you're doing, and shoves an advertisement in your face.

You acquire an item: scroll of ancient forbidden unspeakable evil

• <name> freaks out and starts babbling "I used to be a <name2> but then I took an arrow to the knee..."

  <name> starts twitching and moaning. "All your <name2> are belong to us!", it blurts.

  <name> suddenly gets a wild look in its eyes. "I'm a' chargin' mah <name2>!" it shouts. "SHOOP DA WHOOP!"

  <name> suddenly starts twitching spasmodically and shouts "I made you a <name2> but I eated it!"

• After Combat (against TESLA):

  <name> accidentally nudges your hand into the nearby tesla coil. BZAP!

You gain 30 Mana Points.

• After Combat (with SCIENCE):

  <name> says, "Did you know: Centrifugal force doesn't really exist! It's actually harmonic weight!"

  <name> says, "Did you know: Young's Twenty-third Law of Dreams says any two objects exert accelerated accelerated language on each other, regardless of their thought!"

  <name> says, "Did you know: O'Kelly's Nineteenth Law of Music says the force acting on an object is equal to the love of the object times its language!"

  <name> says, "Did you know: The fourth state of matter is soup!"

  <name> says, "Did you know: Most of the universe is made up of a substance called Chartreuse Matter!"

• After Combat (in all cases):

You acquire an item: BACON

• Enthroned in the Crown of Thrones:

  <name> shouts insults at your opponent from its perch on your hat, which hurts them deeply (for X damage).

• Bjornified in the Buddy Bjorn:

  <name> peeks up over your shoulder and makes some snide comments at your opponent, which hurts them deeply (for X damage).

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  You assume that <name> is winking at you, somehwere underneath the tam o'shanter.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <Name> buzzes around the maypole a couple of times, then starts planking on top of it.

• With wax lips equipped:
  

  <Name> takes a selfie while wearing the oversized wax lips, and posts it to fifteen different social media accounts.

Arena Messages

• None - familiar has no weaknesses.

Notes

• May 2016's item of the month from Mr. Store.
• Messages with <name2> form the name of a summon-able demon. Observed values for <name2> are:
  • A 9-letter word looking like a demon-name starting with K'
  • A name of a player in your contact list
  • Neil
• The choice of contact and demon-name in <name2> remains the same within an ascension. If you do not have any names in your contact list, it will pick a name from members of your clan.
• By combining the three, one can summon the demon with name "Neil <DemonName> <ContactName>". Summoning also gives:
  • 25 turns of Jacked In (+10% Item Drops, +20% Meat Drops, +30 Weapon Damage, +40 Spell Damage, and +50% Combat Initiative)
  • 10 BACON
  • an antique machete, a cigarette lighter, and a tomb ratchet if level 11, a star chart if level 12, 10 turns of Speed of the Internet (+50% Combat Initiative), or 1000 meat at any other level
• The "Did you know" messages are procedurally-generated from random colors, names, numbers, and statements that vaguely resemble laws of physics.

Modifiers

• AND TESLA!: Adds an image of a Tesla coil to the combat. Restores (1.25*wt - 2.25*wt) MP at end of combat.
• ELDRITCH HORROR: Adds tentacle images to the screen. May drop a thin black candle (max 6/day), scroll of ancient forbidden unspeakable evil (max 1/day, lower chance), or give one component of the summon-able demon name.
• NAMED NEIL: Causes the Intergnat to attack for (wt/2 - wt) damage each round.
• WITH BACON!: Adds bacon images to the combat. Drops 1 extra bacon per combat length (max 5 after 5 rounds) at end of combat.
• WITH SCIENCE!: Grants the 0-MP skills:
  • Science! Fight with Medicine: Heals 100-200 HP, staggers
  • Science! Fight with Rational Thought: Instakills, forfeit meat and item drops, gain 11 turns of Rational Thought (-5% Combat Frequency)
  • Science! Fight with Internet Debate: Deals 3x Level in Hot damage, gain 11 turns of Internate Debatable (+10 Monster Level)
  • Only one Science! skill may be used per combat.

References

• The haiku is a reference to the Internet is for Porn Broadway musical by Avenue Q.
• The polka was a viral video called Leekspin.
• The stompy dance is a merge of two of Steve Ballmer's (overreactive) presentations.
• The Harlem Shake meme has nothing to do with the original Harlem shake dance. Given that this is the Intergnat, it is probably the former.