| There are some vague or non-exact figures and information on this page. Some spading is required.
The smoke from a big pile of burning tires briefly obscures your vision. When the smoke clears (and the dust settles), you see a hobo walking out of the pile, carrying a flaming tire under his arm.
"Hey," you say, "doesn't that hurt?"
"Nope," he says, "got my armpits shot off in the war. Had 'em replaced with asbestos. Hey, you look a lot like the no-good, good-for-nothing, worthless, not-at-all-valuable bastard who shot 'em off in the first place. Maybe I can finally get me some payback!"
"Hey buddy! Can ya spare a quarter?"
"Sorry bud," you say, "I gave at the off... say, did you know your hat's on fire?"
"Hat on fire? Hat on fire? I'll show ya hat on fire, ya dirty pinko!"
A hobo staggers drunkenly up to you. His threadbare jacket is smoking, and occasional flames lick up from it.
"Hey... hey, guesh *hic* guesh what?"
"No no nonono." He pauses to take a swig from a bottle of something, which appears to be boiling. "You gotsh ta guesh."
"...You're on fire."
"That'sh it! I'm on fire! Gimme a hug!"
A hobo looks up from his trash-can fire and spots you walking by. "Hey. Hey buddy," he says, "want to try a little fire-roasted rat?" He pulls a stick out of the fire that looks like it has a red-hot coal stuck onto the end of it. "It's Cajun-style cookin'! Fine hobo cuisine! Have a taste!" He walks toward you, jabbing the hot stick in your direction.
A hobo staggers up to you and says, "tell me now, baby, ish he good to you? Can he do to you the things that I do?"
"Is who good to me? Who does what things that who does?" you ask, but the hobo ignores you.
"I can take you higher. Oh, oh, oh... YOU'RE ON FIRE!" he says, and hurls a pan full of burning coals at you.
A hobo looks up from his trash-can fire, and beckons you closer. "You. You got a thing in your head."
"Thing in your head. The lizards put it there, so they can control your thoughts."
"Yep. Don't worry, buddy," he says, pulling a glowing hunk of rebar out of the burning trashcan. "I'll help ya get it out."
"I... I think I'll keep it, if it's all the same to you."
"Can't have the lizards controllin' your thoughts, buddy. That's crazy talk. Hold still."
You see a hobo take a swig from a bottle of moonshine, then try to light his cigar. He hiccups and blows a great ball of fire at you. "Goodness gracious!" you say. "Watch out!"
"Watch out?" the hobo says, "Watch out? I'll give you 'watch out.' I'll give you what for! Are you after a beat-down, Sonny Jim? Well, watch out, you might get what you're after!"
A hobo staggers up to you, holding a big, burning torch. "Here, buddy," he says, staggering slightly, "let me light that cigar for you."
"But I don't have a cig -- hold on, seriously -- wait a minute!"
He grabs a stick with a roasting marshmallow on it and coats you in white-hot marshmallow napalm. Ugh! Argh! (hot damage)
He throws a ball of flaming newspaper at you. This just in: ARRRRGH! Argh! Eek! (hot damage)
He smacks you in the face with a red-hot poker. That's an impressive poker face you have there. Eek! Ow! (hot damage)
He puts his cigar out on your arm. Did I stutter? Argh! Argh! (hot damage)
He opens the steam valve on a nearby boiler. Now you know what a White Citadel burger feels like. Eek! Ow! (hot damage)
He upends a nearby trash fire over your head. You start singing a little song, the lyrics to which are "Aieee! Argh! Getitoff getitoff it burns it burns it burns!" Oof! Ooh! (hot damage)
He grabs a stick with a roasting marshmallow on it, but decides to eat it instead of hitting you with it.
He tries to smack you with a red-hot poker, but you point out that it's not a red-hot smacker.
He grabs some newspaper out of a trash fire, but instead of throwing it, he reads the funny pages.
He starts to put out his cigar on you, but you direct him to a nearby ashtray.
He tries to whack you with a flaming tire, but tires out before he can finish the blow.
He opens the steam valve on a nearby boiler, but the boiler wasn't too hot -- the steam just takes the wrinkles out of your clothes.
He stops for a minute to warm his hands on a nearby trash fire, and catch up on his hobo gossip. It takes him a while to hear about which hoboes have been getting all hobromantic with each other. (FUMBLE!)
He grabs a cigarette butt out of a nearby ashtray, lights it, takes a couple of puffs, and puts it out on your <ankle>.
He grabs a handful of red-hot embers from a nearby campfire, and throws them at you.
He grabs a piece of flaming garbage out of a nearby barrel, and hurls it at you, hadouken-style. Hoboken?
He picks up a rusty old can of hairspray, and a rusty old cigarette lighter. Turns out they both work well enough to give you a pretty sound scorching.
He plays a game of "hot potato" with you. Oh, wait, this is a game of "white-hot coal."
He pulls a boiling pot of hobo stew off of a fire and throws it all over you.
He pulls a boiling-hot tin can full of coffee off of his campfire and pours it down your throat. Tastes like burning!
He puts the stub of a cigar out on your <nipple>.
He takes a swig of rubbing alcohol, then lights a match and breathes a big cloud of flame at you. Neat trick, but painful.
He upends a burning trash can and rolls it at you. You're feelin' hot, hot, hot.
He jabs you in the <solar plexus> with a red-hot poker. All in all, you'd rather be playing blackjack.
Since he can't throw his campfire at you, he throws you into his campfire.
|You acquire an item: bed of coals (.1% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: flamin' bindle (.1% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: hobo nickel (15% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: Kissin' Cousins (.1% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: Tales from the Fireside (.1% chance)*|
|You gain 87.5 <substat>.|
Occurs at Burnbarrel Blvd.
- Hobos have a chance to use special attacks which are guaranteed to hit regardless of how high or low your Moxie is. These attacks do a great deal more damage than normal attacks and don't seem to interact with defensive abilities such as saucespheres or Hero of the Half-Shell. They can be distinguished from normal hits by the lack of sound effects that follow the message.
- The name, image, and introduction text of this monster are all randomly selected:
- The hit message about putting out the cigar on one's arm is a reference to a scene in The Breakfast Club, in which Judd Nelson explains where a burn mark on his arm came from.
- The idea of singing a little song with the lyrics "AIIIEEEE GET IT OFF ME" and the like are a reference to the "Weird Al" Yankovic song "Albuquerque".
- The Hadouken is Ryu's special move in Street Fighter. It consists of him throwing a blue fireball.
- "Tastes like burning!" is a reference to a Ralph Wiggum quote from The Simpsons.
- The lyrics from the adventure where the hot hobo says "tell me now, baby, ish he good to you? Can he do to you the things that I do?" and his following sentence "I can take you higher. Oh, oh, oh... YOU'RE ON FIRE!" are lyrics from Bruce Springsteen's song I'm On Fire.
- Yelling "Goodness gracious!" when the hobo breathes a great ball of fire is a reference to the Jerry Lee Lewis song Great Balls of Fire.
- The warning "watch out, you might get what you're after" is a lyric from the Talking Heads song Burning Down the House.
- The special move message about feeling "hot, hot, hot" is a reference to a song by that name.