Hobelf (Elf Alley)
You see a little group of Crimbo elves huddled near a trash-can fire. You see they're taking turns pulling on each end of little cylindrical packages. The packages give a little explosive *BANG* and open to reveal a gift inside.
"Aw, nice!" you say. "Are you enjoying your Crimbo crackers?"
"What'd you call us?" one of the elves says, incensed. "Buddy, I'm gonna trim your tree!"
A Crimbo elf in tattered red-and-green rags holds out a mug to you as you walk by.
"Hey, buddy," he says, "got any spare eggnog? If I could just get a little eggnog in me, I think I could pull myself together and finally make something of myself."
"I'm sorry," you say, "but I don't just walk around carrying a flask full of eggnog."
"That's a shame," the elf says, "because I walk around carrying this candy cane I sharpened into a shiv."
A Crimbo elf sidles up to you and whispers in your . . . well, in your thigh, actually, Crimbo elves being the height they are, but he's too drunk to whisper quietly, so you still hear him.
"Hey," he says, "hey, buddy. Buddy. Do you hear them?"
"Hear what?" you say.
"Bells," he says. "Silver bells. It's Crimbo time in the city, buddy. Can't you hear the bells?"
"I'm sorry, I really can't," you say.
"Hmmm," the elf says. "That means you've either lost the innocent wonder of childhood, or you need to drill a hole in your skull to let the magic in." He pulls out an old, rusty Crimbo dental drill. "Let's just play it safe, shall we?"
You see an elf bundled up and shivering, wrapped in a Crimbo tree skirt for warmth. It looks up at you with pleading, soulful eyes.
"Are you lost, Crimbo elf?" you say. "Do you need help getting back to the Big Mountains?"
"Crimbo elf?" he shrieks. "I'm no Crimbo elf! I'm a Pork Elf! La di da di da, I live in a magic forest and never get old and use a shield as a skateboard and hold councils about cursed jewelry and never join in a battle until it's too late to make a difference! Wheeeeeee!"
Clearly, you should put this elf out of his misery.
You trip and knock over a pile of old, dusty candy canes. A Crimbo elf, who was sleeping under a pile of last year's newspapers, hears the ruckus you make and charges at you, murder (and glitter) in his eyes.
You see a Crimbo elf sitting on the ground with a sign in front of him that reads, "DROPPED OUT OF DENTAL SCHOOL. NEED BUS FARE BACK TO BIG MOUNTAINS."
"I hate to tell you this," you say, "but the bus only goes to the desert. That's why it's called the Desert Bus."
"DESERT?!?" the elf shrieks. "I thought it was the DESSERT Bus! I was so looking forward to eating cakes and pies and sugarplums and ribbon candy all the way back home! How does it feel to crush a poor elf's dreams?"
A Crimbo elf with a five o'clock shadow and bloodshot eyes smiles a rotted-tooth smile at you and waves at you.
You wave back, and shout, "have yourself a merry little Crimbo!"
"LITTLE?" the elf shouts, his tiny face contorting with rage. "Who are you calling little? I'm gonna jingle your sleigh bells, pal!"
A menacing whisper just behind your left shoulder makes you jump halfway out of your skin. "You'd better waaaaatch ooooout," it hisses.
You spin around, but there's nobody there.
"You better noooooot crrrryyyyy. . . " the whisper comes again, still somewhere behind you, even though you just turned around.
"You'd better noooot pooooout. . ." the whisper says again, still maddeningly just outside of your line of sight.
"All right!" you shout. "I give! I wasn't planning on pouting or crying, so why should I watch out?"
A pint-sized silhouette in a tattered, once-festive hat steps out in front of you. "Oh, I'm telling you why," he rasps, in a hoarse parody of a Crimbo elf's chirpy voice. "Because I'm a crazy hobo Crimbo elf, and I have a knife."
You trip over a pile of tinsel in the alleyway. The pile says, "hey! Watch where you're goin' *hic*, longshanks, or I'll deck your hallsh!"
The pile stands up and you see that it's a Crimbo elf, his tatty apparel no longer gay, and not even bi-curious. He wraps the tinsel around both hands and stretches it out like a garrote wire, then stalks toward you.
He plugs in one end of an old set of Crimbo lights, then sticks an empty socket over your finger. BZZZZT! Oof! Argh! Eek!
He stuffs your stocking. Ouch! Eek! Argh! (sleaze damage)
He pelts you with glass ornaments. They shatter on impact, festively lacerating you. Eek! Ow! Ooh!
He grabs some chestnuts that were roasting on an open trash fire, and pelts you with them. Oof! Ouch! Ouch! (hot damage)
He tosses a wreath around your neck, then yanks the ribbon connected to it until you fall over. Ugh! Oof! Eek!
He tosses a couple of Crimbo crackers at you. They explode with a series of tiny bangs, causing a series of tiny welts. Ow! Argh! Ouch!
The elf yells a strange, ululating cry. A toothless yeti that was helping some other Crimbo elves trim a tall tree comes over and beats the stuffing out of you, then stuffs it back in, then beats it back out again. Ugh! Oof! Oof!
He starts to stab you with a candy cane, but decides to eat it, instead.
He tries to strangle you with Crimbo lights, but you avoid festive strangulation.
He stops to stuff a nearby stocking.
He throws some ornaments at you, but you're too ornery to let them hit you.
He tries to toss a wreath around your neck, but you keep your hand at the level of your eyes.
He tosses a Crimbo cracker at you, but it's already been cracked.
He stops to go panhandle for more eggnog, candy canes, and peppermint schnapps. (FUMBLE!)
He puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles. A reindeer swoops down from the sky and tramples you.
He throws a cup of eggnog in your face. The eggnog doesn't hurt, but the cup fractures your nose.
He tosses a wreath over your head, then uses it to yank your feet out from under you.
He throws a toy train under your feet, derailing you and making you land on your butt in the snow.
He scratches you with the thorns on a sprig of holly.
He pulls out a bb gun and shoots your eye out. Happy Crimbo!
He jingles your bells. No, that's not a typo, and get your mind out of the gutter.
He throws a snowball at you. The snow doesn't hurt, but the dirty little rat put a rock in the middle of it.
He uses a nutcracker to -- uh -- smash your fingers. If you're a guy, you ought to be grateful.
|You acquire an item: hobo nickel (15% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: sleeping stocking (.33% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: bindlestocking (.33% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: The Joy of Wassailing (.33% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: Tales of a Kansas Toymaker (.33% chance)*|
|You gain ? <substat>.|
Occurs at Elf Alley
- The sleeping stocking, bindlestocking, The Joy of Wassailing, and Tales of a Kansas Toymaker are all conditional drops.
- The name, image, and introduction text of this monster are all randomly selected:
- There exists a weaker version of this monster in CRIMBCO WC.
- Several of the intro texts (and the majority of second titles) relate to various Christmas songs.
- The elf who dropped out of dental school hearkens back to the classic Rankin/Bass animated Christmas special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which featured an elf who wanted to become a dentist instead of making toys for Santa.
- The hit message about shooting your eye out with a BB gun is a reference to A Christmas Story, where the main character wants a BB gun for Christmas and everyone tells him he will shoot his eye out. When he actually gets his precious gun, he promptly hits his glasses instead.
- "You keep your hand at the level of your eyes," is a reference to The Phantom Of The Opera, in which holding your hand at the level of your eyes is rumored to protect you from the Phantom's noose. Fortunately, the maneuver appears to be more effective against wreaths than it was against the Phantom.
- "Thanatos," one of the name prefixes, is Greek for 'death.'
- The battle intro involving the Pork Elves is a reference to The Lord of the Rings, specifically the movies (what with the mention of the shield-turned-"skateboard"). The first name suffixes also parody names in the trilogy, or the general Elvish lore described in The Silmarillion