Grim fairy tales

When using a grim fairy tale, it will give you one of the following tales at random:

Cinderella

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named <girl name> who lived in a cottage with her evil stepmother and two ugly stepsisters, <ugly girl name> and <ugly girl name>. <girl name> was basically made to live like a slave; every morning before breakfast she had to <chore>, and more often than not her breakfast was lukewarm <food>.

One day, the Prince declared that there would be a grand ball at the royal palace, where he would choose his future queen. <girl name> begged her evil stepmother to let her go to the ball, but the stepmother refused, and left <girl name> to sit alone in the ashes of the fireplace. I mean, I guess she could have sat wherever she wanted after everyone had gone to the ball, but old habits die hard.

Fortunately, <girl name>'s Fairy Godmother intervened. She gave <girl name> a beautiful dress to wear, turned a <fruit> into a coach and some <animals> into horses, and gave her a stunning glass <clothing item> to wear.

<girl name> went to the ball, spent the whole night doing the <dance> with the Prince, but the magic began to run out when the clock struck midnight. She ran from the palace, dropping her glass <clothing item> in her haste.

The next day, the Prince searched the whole kingdom to find the girl who fit the glass <clothing item>. <girl name>'s stepmother tried to hide <girl name> when the Prince came, but a little bird told him where she was hiding, and the glass <clothing item> fit perfectly.

The Prince married <girl name> and they lived happily ever after. But <girl name>'s stepsisters were <tortured>, then forced to be her servants for the rest of their lives.

Oh, and the evil stepmother was <tortured>.

THE END

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time a girl lived on the edge of a deep, dark forest. None knew her name, but they knew her by a particular piece of bright red clothing she always wore. In fact, they called her Little Red Riding <Clothing>.

One day, Little Red Riding <Clothing> set out to visit her dear sweet grandmother, <Ugly Girl Name>, who lived on the other side of the forest. She packed a basket full of <fruit> jam, <roasted food>, and <poached food>, and set out, tra-la-la, skip-skip-skip on the path through the forest.

Little did she know that the Big Bad <Animal> was lurking in the forest, looking for his next meal. He craftily sidled up to Little Red Riding <Clothing> and asked where she was going.

"Oh, to my dear sweet grandmother, <Ugly Girl Name>," she said, guilelessly. "It'll take me about a half hour to get there, because I'm going to pick some flowers along the way. Here are the GPS coordinates to her humble cottage."

And so the Big Bad <Animal> snuck away, faster than Little Red Riding <Clothing> could go, and reached the cottage first. There he found the old grandmother sleeping in her bed, and he ripped her to pieces and devoured her on the spot. Then, creepily enough, he put on her clothes and got into her bed.

Little Red Riding <Clothing> came to the cottage and walked in the door. It was dim in the cottage, and Little Red Riding <Clothing> was also dim, and so she was fooled by the Big Bad <Animal>'s disguise.

"Come lie in bed with me, dearie," the Big Bad <Animal> wheedled.

"What shall I do with my <some other clothing>?" the girl asked.

"Throw it in the fire; you won't need it."

"But what shall I do with my <some other clothing>?" the girl asked.

"Throw it in the fire; you won't need it," the Big Bad <Animal> replied.

And so it went, until Little Red Riding <Clothing> was down to just her Red <Clothing>.

"What about my precious Red <Clothing>?" she asked.

"Oh, leave that on, whatever, just hop in," the hungry <Animal> replied.

So Little Red Riding <Clothing> jumped into bed, and a little bird outside the window called, "SLUT! Watch in whose bed you climb!"

But Little Red Riding <Clothing> paid no attention to the bird's slut-shaming, and so the Big Bad <Animal> tore her limb from limb and ate her, too.

But a passing lumberjack heard the crushing, the screaming, and the gnawing of bone, and in he came, too late to do any real good, but he slaughtered the Big Bad <Animal>, making sure his death was slow and painful. So at least there's that.

THE END

Snow White

Once upon a time, in a cottage in the middle of a deep, dark forest, there lived seven dwarves: <dwarf>, <dwarf>, <dwarf>, <dwarf>, <dwarf>, <dwarf> and Doc. They were hard-working folk who kept to themselves and tried to stay out of other people's drama.

But one day a young girl came to their door: a girl with lips red as cherries, hair black as ebony, and eyes blue as the sky. Her name was <Weather><Color>.

"Oh, dear dwarves, you must hide me!" the girl said. "My stepmother, the wicked Queen <Ugly Girl Name>, wants to cut out my heart because she is jealous of how pretty I am!"

"That really sucks," agreed Doc, and the dwarves worked out an "arrangement" with <Weather><Color>.

What? I meant that she did chores for them in exchange for room and board. This is a kids' story, for crying out loud.

And so the dwarves and <Weather><Color> were happy with their arrangement until one day an old crone knocked on their door. She offered to sell <Weather><Color> a single delicious <fruit> at a very reasonable price. <Weather><Color> haggled the crone down further, and then took the <fruit> and bit into it with gusto.

But alas! The old crone was really the wicked Queen <Ugly Girl Name> in disguise! And the <fruit> was an enchanted <fruit>, which caused her to fall deep into a slumber from which she would not awaken.

Heartbroken, the dwarves built a glass coffin and placed her inside, because people do strange things when they're grieving. They didn't even mind that <Weather><Color>'s breath fogged up the glass. And there did she lie for the better part of a week...

But then the handsome Prince rode through the forest, and he saw the dwarves' cottage and stopped there to visit. He was a prince from another nearby kingdom, though. Otherwise he'd be <Weather><Color>'s half-brother, and that's weird.

Spying the maiden in her coffin, his heart stirred with longing, and he opened the coffin and kissed her cherry-red lips. At once, she awoke, for it was true love's kiss, and even though she was technically unconscious when it happened, it was good enough.

And so the dwarves were <tortured> for putting <Weather><Color> in a coffin instead of seeking medical attention for her, and the Prince and <Weather><Color> lived happily ever after.

But the wicked <Ugly Girl Name> was <tortured>, and she totally deserved it.

THE END

Random Contents

Girl Names

• Ainsleigh
• Ashleigh
• Autumn
• Brianna
• Brooklyn
• Fiona
• Fiorella
• Genesis
• Mackenzie
• Madison
• Morgan
• Nevaeh
• Peyton
• Regan
• Riley
• Serenity
• Veronica

Ugly Girl Names

• Bernardine
• Bertha
• Brimstonia
• Buttfaceia
• Bufordette
• Claudette
• Cowpie
• Diarrhea
• Droolia
• Fangleen
• Fustulata
• Grimchata
• Grizzelda
• Hirsutia
• Hornrietta
• Horseapple
• Lumplette
• Oscarina
• Repulsa
• Reticulata
• Rubella
• Snotra
• Spinabifida
• Stinkette
• Sulfura
• Vomitia

Chores

Every day she had to X the Y.

X:

• brush
• clean
• comb
• depilitate
• exfoliate
• feed
• filter
• groom
• hose down
• laminate
• mop
• muck out
• rake
• scour
• shine
• tidy
• wash
• wax

Y:

• dad's feet
• dad's shoes
• mom's cuticles
• my little brother
• my little sister
• the bathroom
• the chicken coop
• the chickens
• the dishes
• the dog
• the floor
• the furnace
• the kitchen sink
• the rabbit hutch
• the rabbits
• the table
• the toilet
• the windows

Dances

• Bossa nova
• Bunny Hop
• Cabbage Patch
• Can-Can
• Chicken Dance
• Humpty Hump
• Hustle
• Lindy Hop
• Macarena
• Meringue
• Polka
• Rumba
• Swim
• Twist
• Waltz

Foods

Cinderella lukewarm breakfasts:

• baked asparagus
• baklava
• boiled cabbage
• bundt cake
• cereal bars
• chitterlings
• cocktail weenies
• corned beef hash
• creamed arugula
• creamed neck bacon
• croutons
• flan
• fried arugula
• hamburger rolls
• mashed potatoes
• mini-quiches
• mutton vindaloo
• onion rings
• open-faced eggplant
• processed cheese spread
• shortbread
• soda crackers
• sponge cake
• taco rolls
• tortilla chips

Riding hood food:

• roasted alligators
• roasted blocks of head cheese
• roasted bologna
• roasted cheese fries
• roasted chicken
• roasted chicken wings
• roasted corned beef
• roasted olive loaves
• roasted pastrami
• roasted paté
• roasted porkchops
• roasted rashers of bacon
• roasted roast beef
• roasted salami
• roasted sausages
• roasted veal

and

• poached bat thyroid
• poached bear lung
• poached beaver lymph node
• poached beaver thyroid
• poached beetle heart
• poached bumblebee lung
• poached caribou brain
• poached cat liver
• poached cat spleen
• poached chicken brain
• poached chicken larynx
• poached cougar heart
• poached dog appendix
• poached eagle larynx
• poached elephant kidney
• poached ferret lung
• poached flamingo stomach
• poached flamingo vascular system
• poached goat spleen
• poached marmoset eye
• poached marmoset liver
• poached pelican lung
• poached penguin stomach
• poached stork appendix
• poached stork brain
• poached stork stomach
• poached vampire bat lung
• poached vampire bat stomach
• poached vampire bat thyroid

Fruits

• apricot
• banana
• blackberry
• blueberry
• cantaloupe
• cherry
• clementine
• dragonfruit
• durian
• fig
• grape
• grapefruit
• grapple
• jackfruit
• kiwi
• kumquat
• lemon
• lime
• mango
• orange
• pear
• pineapple
• plum
• raspberry
• starfruit
• strawberry
• tangerine
• tomato
• watermelon

Animals

• bat
• bear
• beavers
• beetle
• bison
• bobcat
• bumblebee
• cat
• cheetah
• chicken
• chipmunk
• cougar
• crocodile
• eagle
• elephant
• elephant seal
• flamingo
• fox
• giraffe
• goat
• gorilla
• ibex
• kangaroo
• lemur
• lion
• lizard
• lynx
• marmot
• orangutan
• orphan
• pelican
• penguin
• platypus
• polar bear
• racoon
• shark
• sloth
• tiger
• tortoise
• turtle
• vampire bat
• warthog
• wildebeest

Clothing items

• balaclava
• belt
• bolo tie
• blouse
• bra
• brassiere
• bowler hat
• bowtie
• camisole
• dress
• fedora
• fez
• garter belt
• hat
• jodhpurs
• kilt
• muscle shirt
• pair of pantaloons
• pair of pants
• pair of penny loafers
• pair of shoes
• pair of stiletto heels
• pair of stockings
• pair of underwear
• petticoat
• pince-nez
• shirt
• socks
• sweater
• tanktop
• thong
• underwear

Non-Lethal Torture

For Cinderella's stepsisters and dwarves:

• branded
• caned
• drink really hot hot sauce
• flogged
• forced to juggle burning coals
• hung by the thumbs for hours
• kidney-punched
• made to drink really hot hot sauce
• made to walk on BRICKO pieces
• poked with forks
• poked with red-hot pokers
• sent to sleep with the fishes
• smacked around
• stretched on the rack
• switched
• teased mercilessly
• tied up and tickled
• whipped

Lethal Torture

Cinderella's stepmother and Snow White's Queen:

• beaten with a violin
• crappo bappoed
• decapitated
• disemboweled
• dropped off a <number>-foot-tall cliff (observed: twelve, fourteen, twnety-two, twenty-six, thirty-four)
• drowned
• eaten alive by <insect> (observed: ants, crickets, flies, wasps)
• encased in carbonite
• executed by firing squad
• fed to a hungry <bird> (observed: burning-tit, crane, cuckoo, macaw)
• fired out of a cannon
• hacked into bits with a dull axe
• hacked into bits with a sharp spoon
• liquified
• made to do the <dance> wearing red-hot <metal> shoes (observed: brass, mercury)
• poisoned
• publicly humiliated
• roasted alive in a giant iron <animal> (observed: baboon, raccoon, sloth, tiger)
• sent to sleep with the fishes
• stoned to death
• swallowed whole by <animal> (observed: an easily-startled lion, a slimy polar bear, a spitting caribou, a vicious elephant seal)
• torn apart by a <animal> (observed: goat, lizard, warthog, wolf)
• thrown into a bottomless pit
• trampled slowly to death by turtles
• <another lethal torture> while on the toilet
• <another lethal torture> while sleeping

Dwarves

(Doc is always the seventh dwarf.)

• Balin
• Bofur
• Bombur
• Bongo
• Cheesy
• Corky
• Crappy
• Creepy
• Crumpy
• Curly
• Doofus
• Drunky
• Dwalin
• Fatty
• Flabby
• Flappy
• Flippy
• Floppy
• Fili
• Frumpy
• Gimli
• Gloin
• Greasy
• Gristle
• Gropey
• Groucho
• Gumby
• Hammy
• Harble
• Harpo
• Huey
• Itchy
• Kili
• Kipper
• Larry
• Lazy
• Loco
• Lobo
• Louie
• Lumpy
• Marty
• Moe
• Monkey
• Mopey
• Nifty
• Oin
• Queasy
• Rastus
• Ropey
• Salad
• Scrapple
• Scratchy
• Shemp
• Shifty
• Slappy
• Sleazy
• Slippy
• Snappy
• Stinky
• Taco
• Thorin
• Thrifty
• Twerky
• Zeppo

Weather

• Drizzle
• Fog
• Ice
• Rain
• Sleet
• Snow

Colors

• Black
• Blue
• Fuchsia
• Gray
• Green
• Orange
• Pink
• Purple
• Red
• Yellow