Gelatinous Noob

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Gelatinous Noob is the Spring 2017 special challenge path, introduced on February 15, 2017. This path adds variant rules and restrictions to an ascension run. Its description in The Bureau of Reincarnation reads "You're a gelatinous cube with aspirations of humanity. Hungrily absorb items to gain power!"


  • You cannot eat, drink, or consume spleen items normally:
You're not sure why humans are always putting things in their mouths.
    • Technically not true; the restriction is that the maximum meter value is 0 for hunger and spleen items, while it is -1 for the drunkenness meter. However, the effect is identical.
  • Skill-granting items cannot be used:
Nah, you'd just get the pages all sticky.
  • Wearing equipment provides the attack/defense power, but gives no bonuses from regular enchantments.
    • This includes familiar equipment, Valhalla rewards, rollover adventures.
    • Unique and unusual enchantments with specially coded effects will generally still work. For example, items like the KoL Con 13 snowglobe that give post-combat drops will activate. Combat skills granted by equipment also remain available, as do outfit bonuses. Choice adventure and quest interactions involving equipment remain unaltered.
  • You cannot adventure in The Sea. Attempting to talk to An Old Man gives the following message:
That shack you saw on the main map was just a picture of a shack drawn on the ground.



Gelatinous Noob is a moxie class and has the ability to pickpocket. They also begin with a few active skills:

As with all class-based paths, you have no access to your permanent skills, nor to guilds.

Absorbing items

You can absorb any items that are PvP stealable, as well as Gift Items and the three starting items. Items that cannot be traded, or which cannot be discarded may not be absorbed.

  • Your absorption organ has a capacity of 2+level items per day, to a maximum of 15 absorptions at level 13.
  • On rollover, your absorption organ is emptied. Maximum absorption is unchanged.

Absorbing equipment

Absorbing equipment grants you the enchantment bonuses of that equipment, until rollover.

  • Familiar equipment is considered a non-equipment item for this purpose.
  • Only standardized enchantments can be absorbed, while unique and unusual enchantments (which still work when the item is equipped) generally can not be absorbed.
  • You can absorb multiple instances of the same item for stacking bonuses.

Absorbing other items

When absorbing non-equipment items, instead of providing whatever effect they would normally provide, grants Gelatinous Noob-specific passive skills. These skills persist through the rest of the ascension, until you free the King and stop being a Gelatinous Noob.

Skill progression

You gain 1 skill point for each normal (softcore) Gelatinous Noob ascension completed and 2 points for each hardcore Gelatinous Noob ascension completed, up to a maximum of 20 points. At the start of subsequent Gelatinous Noob runs, you can spend these points to acquire skills from the list of skills you acquired by absorbing items in previous runs.

This path's skill bucket is Gummi-Memory, sold in Mr. Store for one Uncle Buck. It grants 5 skill points (up to 20) in your future Gelatinous Noob runs.

Skill Matrix

Click expand/collapse on the right to show/hide the whole giant skill table.
Gelatinous Noob Skills
+Adventures from Absorbing items
+1 Central Hypothalamus Src
+1 Rudimentary Alimentary Canal Src
+2 Stomach-Like Thing Src
+2 Small Intestine Src
+3 Large Intestine Src
+Stats Per Fight
+3 Work Ethic Src
+3 Basic Self-Worth Src
+5 Sense of Purpose Src
+5 Sense of Pride Src
+7 Arrogance Src
+Stats from Absorbing Items
+5 Lysosomes Src
+10 Mitochondria Src
+15 Ribosomes Src
+20 Vacuoles Src
+25 Golgi Apparatus Src
+Item Drops
+20% Left Eyeball Src
+20% Right Eyeball Src
+30% Optic Nerves Src
+40% Saccade Reflex Src
+50% Visual Cortex Src
+30% The Concept of Property Src
+40% Financial Ambition Src
+50% Business Acumen Src
+60% Sense of Entitlement Src
+70% Pathological Greed Src
+Maximum HP
+20% Veins Src
+30% Arteries Src
+40% Small Left Kidney Src
+50% Oversized Right Kidney Src
+100% Beating Human Heart Src
+Maximum MP
+20% Left Brain Hemisphere Src
+30% Right Brain Hemisphere Src
+40% Parasympathetic Nervous System Src
+50% Sympathetic Nervous System Src
+100% Spinal Cord Src
+Damage Absorption
+30 Rigid Armbones Src
+40 Rigid Legbones Src
+50 Rigid Pelvis Src
+60 Rigid Headbone Src
+70 Rigid Rib Cage Src
+Damage Reduction:
+5 Calluses Src
+5 Cartilage Src
+10 Spinal Discs Src
+10 Shock-Absorbing Joints Src
+20 Overalls Src
+Weapon Damage
+7 Fingernails Src
+9 Palms Src
+11 Elbows Src
+13 Knees Src
+15 Knuckles Src
+Combat Initiative
+10% Hamstrings Src
+20% Ankle Joints Src
+30% Kneecaps Src
+40% Achilles Tendons Src
+50% Anterior Cruciate Ligaments Src
+Pickpocket Chance
+10% Pinky Fingers Src
+20% Ring Fingers Src
+30% Middle Fingers Src
+40% Index Fingers Src
+50% Thumbs Src
+5 Triceps Src
+10 Biceps Src
+15 Abdominal Muscles Src
+20 Pectoral Muscles Src
+25 Gluteus Maximus Src
+5 Object Permanence Src
+10 Abstract Reasoning Src
+15 Deductive Reasoning Src
+20 Introspection Src
+25 Algebra Src
+5 Sense of Style Src
+10 Vestibular System Src
+15 Sense of Humor Src
+20 Sense of Sarcasm Src
+25 Sunglasses Src
+Hot Resistance
(+1) Dilatable Capillaries Src
(+1) Upper Hypothalamus Src
(+2) Thick Dermis Src
(+2) High Water Content Src
(+3) Sweat Glands Src
+Cold Resistance
(+1) Constrictable Capillaries Src
(+1) Lower Hypothalamus Src
(+2) Shiver Reflex Src
(+2) Chatterable Teeth Src
(+3) Subcutaneous Fat Src
+Stench Resistance
(+1) Nose Hair Src
(+1) Pinchable Nose Src
(+2) Nasal Lamina Propria Src
(+2) Nasal Septum Src
(+3) Olfactory Cortex Src
+Spooky Resistance
(+1) Left Eyelid Src
(+1) Right Eyelid Src
(+2) Hyperactive Amygdala Src
(+2) Adrenal Gland Src
(+3) Bravery Gland Src
+Sleaze Resistance
(+1) Sense of Decorum Src
(+1) Blush Reflex Src
(+2) Sense of Propriety Src
(+2) Politeness Src
(+3) Profound Shame Src
+Hot Damage
+3 Warm Smile Src
+5 Warm Heart Src
+7 Warm Blood Src
+9 Choleric Humours Src
+11 Hot Headedness Src
+Cold Damage
+3 Cool Head Src
+5 Cool Heels Src
+7 Cold Feet Src
+9 Cold Heart Src
+11 Ice Water In Your Veins Src
+Stench Damage
+3 Bad Breath Src
+5 Armpit Sweat Glands Src
+7 Armpit Hair Src
+9 Weak Esophageal Sphincter Src
+11 Thriving Gut Flora Src
+Spooky Damage
+3 Sunken Cheeks Src
+5 Pallid Skin Src
+7 Dark Circles Under Your Eyes Src
+9 Vacant Stare Src
+11 Visible Skull Src
+Sleaze Damage
+3 Sweaty Palms Src
+5 Waxy Ears Src
+7 Oily Scalp Src
+9 Flop Sweat Src
+11 Thrustable Pelvis Src
-Combat Freq
Bendable Knees Src
Retractable Toes Src
Ink Gland Src
+Combat Freq
Frown Muscles Src
Anger Glands Src
Powerful Vocal Chords Src



  • If this is your first run as the Gelatinous Noob, opening the letter from King Ralph XI unlocks a new class tattoo. There is also a sparkly tattoo available upon completion of a hardcore run as a Gelatinous Noob.
  • Finishing a Gelatinous Noob run that began while it was still the current special challenge path -- that is, between February 15th, 2017, and May 14th, 2017 -- gave players 100 (in Hardcore) or 50 (in Normal) extra karma points the next time they visited Valhalla.
  • Players will receive a Thwaitgold amoeba statuette upon defeating the Naughty Sorceress (3).
  • Learning all of the passive Gelatinous Noob skills entitles you to a trophy. (The six active skills that affect Combat Frequency are not required.)
    • Given how the trophy takes a minimum of 7 days to acquire, getting it in Hardcore is a good opportunity to go for Gourdcore and possibly Golden Meat Stack.
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