Fun-Guy Playmate

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Fun-Guy Playmate
Monster ID 1569
Locations The Fun-Guy Mansion
Hit Points Varies
Attack Varies
Defense Varies
Initiative 0
Meat None
Phylum plant
Elements sleaze
Resistance Varies
Monster Parts cap, stalk
Drops
Fun-Guy spore
Quest sleight-of-hand mushroom
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Fun-Guy Playmate You're fighting Miss Frankuary, Calvatia Rodriguez

The Fun-Guy Mansion is so thoroughly infested with mushrooms (and women who are themselves infested with mushrooms) that it's basically impossible to tell the difference between a regular (but large) mushroom and a walking fungal horror monster, until she's right up next to you and already attacking.

Like this one right here. You totally didn't even spot her until just now.

In one of the lounge areas of the mansion, you find an old ottoman that's so completely infested with the ever-present mold and mushrooms, you can't even see the original upholstery. Gross.

And then it unfolds and stands up, revealing itself to be a fungi-infested playmate who was curled up on the floor. That is also gross. In fact, you might say that it's even grosser, and I wouldn't argue with you.

You take a peek in the Mansion's shower, expecting to be grossed out, and aren't disappointed. Every inch of the tile is covered with brownish-green mold.

If you were also expecting to be attacked, then you won't be disappointed there either, because the mold has slithered off the walls and reformed itself into a roughly-centerfold-shaped humanoid mass. Ew.

You tread lightly in the halls of the Fun-Guy Mansion, trying not to step on anything that might release a cloud of spores, when you turn the corner and encounter a very shapely young woman in an extremely skimpy bikini swimsuit. She'd be very sexy if it weren't for the pulsating fungoid mass that has completely taken over her now misshapen and bloated skull.

Her magazine cover is gonna need a whole lot of airbrush work.

In one of the Mansion's bedrooms, you find a woman lying on the bed, covered by a sheet. Cautiously, you ready your weapon, grab a corner of the sheet and quickly whip it away -- discovering, to your relief, that you were wrong: it's only a large cluster of mushrooms that happened to grow into roughly the shape of a woman.

And then when she stands up and starts attacking you, you realize that you were wrong about that as well.

In one of the Fun-Guy Mansion's many lounge areas, you encounter a young woman whose skin is covered with pulsating tumor-like fungal growths. You ask her if she feels it's worse to be manipulated by the patriarchy into becoming an object of mindless lust, or to be manipulated by parasitic spores into becoming a mindless shambling monster and mushroom farm. She doesn't seem particularly interested in discussing social justice issues with you, though.

Hit Message(s):

She staggers toward you, and lands a punch to your head that is surprisingly powerful, considering that the fist is mostly mushroom. Ugh! Ouch! Ow!

She attacks you with a pillow. You may once have dreamed of being in a pillowfight with sexy underwear models, but this is not what you imagined. Ouch! Ouch! Ugh! (sleaze damage)

She notices you looking at her chest, and gives you a moist slap across the face. "Mmmrrrrr eeeyeeess... up hhhhhhhrrrrrr" she moans indistinctly. Ugh! Ouch! Ow! (sleaze damage)

She turns around, cocking her hip and giving you a sultry look over her shoulder. Her neck makes kind of a wet squelching sound as her head turns farther than it ought to. Ow! Ouch! Ow! (sleaze damage)

She puts all her weight behind a punch to your nipple. It wouldn't have been much weight before, and is less now that she's largely mushroom, but it's still enough to hurt. Ooh! Argh! Ow!

She claws at you with her long, ragged, press-on fingernails. Ow! Ooh! Oof!

Critical Hit Message:

She unleashes a cloud of spores that causes you to sneeze uncontrollably. So much so that you hear your ribs crack. (CRITICAL HIT!) Eek! Oof! Ugh!

Miss Message(s):

She staggers toward you and flails her arms, but isn't any faster than a regular old zombie. Just grosser.

She hits you with a pillow. It does no damage, because it's just a pillow.

She starts to attack you, then gets worried about her manicure.

She tries a "come-hither" gaze on you, but these days it's more of a "oh sweet jesus run away" gaze.

She notices you checking out her body, and tries to slap you; you aren't sure if it's just for looking, or for your expression of utter revulsion. Could be both? Anyway, she missed.

She tries to claw at you with her fake fingernails, but they pop off. Well, not just the nails.

Fumble Message:

She stares at you vacantly. Not because nudie-mag models are dumb; that would be really sexist. It's because her brain has literally been replaced with mushrooms. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Sleightshroom.gifYou acquire an item: sleight-of-hand mushroom (% chance)*
Spore.gifYou acquire an item: Fun-Guy spore (5% chance)*
You gain 12 <substat>.
  • Searching for Taco Dan's receipts:
You try to retrace Taco Dan's steps, but you're not whacked-out enough to find any receipts.
As much fun as it is wandering around this mansion while hallucinating, you should probably head back to Taco Dan and give him his receipts before the auditors show up.
  • Otherwise:
A gleaming cube reverberating the music of the spheres gives you one of Taco Dan's receipts.
A half-unicorn, half-mermaid eating tacos gives you one of Taco Dan's receipts.
Right underneath the left hoof of the pink cow that sings opera, you find one of Taco Dan's receipts!
You ask the anthropomorphic pencil sharpener where Taco Dan's receipts are, and he spits one out of his razor-lined mouth.
You ask the cartoon birds where Taco Dan's receipts are, and they point behind a nearby curtain.
You ask the Cheshire Cat where Taco Dan's receipts are, and he disappears, but you find one underneath where he was sitting.
You follow the rocking-horse people with marshmallow pies, and find one of Taco Dan's receipts.
You slowly make your way through the swirling paisley magpies to find one of Taco Dan's receipts.
You squint through the purple haze in your mind, and see one of Taco Dan's receipts!
You surf through melting silver checkerboards to grab one of Taco Dan's receipts.
Tacoreceipt.gifYou acquire an item: Taco Dan's Taco Stand's Taco Receipt
  • Searching for Buff Jimmy's mushrooms:
  • While still looking for receipts:
You glance around the room looking for one of Jimmy's mushrooms, but you heart's not really in it. You should finish this receipt business first.
  • Not finding mushrooms:
You check the bed, then the reflection in the mirror above the bed, but you don't find any of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms.
You look around, but you don't see any of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms.
You look around, even braving the brackish waters of the martini-glass-shaped hot tub, but don't find any of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms.
You look deep in the gross shag carpet, but you can't find any of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms.
You look everywhere, even under the heart-shaped bed, but you don't find any of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms.
You look for Buff Jimmy's mushrooms, but it's like trying to find a needle in a needlestack.
You look under the layers of sheets, blankets, and filth on the bed, but you don't find Buff Jimmy's mushrooms.
You look under the one night stand in the room, but you don't see any of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms.
You see a message on the mirror in lipstick. It says, "Buff Jimmy was here!" but you can't find any of his mushrooms.
You make a thorough survey of the room, the bed, and the bar, but you don't find any of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms.
  • Finding mushrooms:
You check under the bed and find one of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms!
You check under the nightstand (there's only one of them, of course) and find one of Buff Jimmy's mushroom stash.
You find one of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms!
You rifle through the drawers in the chest of drawers, trying not to think about all the other drawer-rifling that's happened in here.
You see one of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms nestled in the deep shag carpeting, and snag it.
You see one of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms reflected in the mirror above the bed, and snag it.
You see someone's written, "Jimmy, is this yours?" on the bathroom mirror in lipstick, with an arrow pointing to a pencil thin mushroom.
You stop to make yourself a drink at the headboard-situated bar, but are distracted when you find one of Buff Jimmy's mushrooms in the jar of olives.
Pencilmush.gifYou acquire an item: pencil thin mushroom
  • Searching for Broden's bacteria:
  • While still looking for receipts:
You look around for a hot tub, but Taco Dan must not have been fond of them, because you don't see any in the parts of the mansion he was wandering around in.
  • While still looking for mushrooms:
You look around for a hot tub, but all that mushroom hunting was exhausting, and it's getting pretty late.
  • Otherwise:
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. Oh god, is this actually water? Because it smells like someone saved up an entire lifetime's worth of wrung-out athletic sock juice. On the bright side, it won't be hard to find bacteria in it.
HPYou lose some hit points. (stench damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. Into 400 gallons of warm clam juice. And hey, guess what? You get to filter bacteria out of that with your mouth.
HPYou lose some hit points. (stench damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. It makes a kind of "splock" noise, because what you thought was water turned out to be clear unflavored beef gelatin. Unflavored doesn't mean unscented, though.
HPYou lose some hit points. (stench damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. It is immediately apparent that you are not the first person to be soaking in this water. In fact you are probably not the one thousand and first. You might be the first one to have to drink it, though.
HPYou lose some hit points. (stench damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. You really lucked out this time, because what you thought was water turned out to just be an entire hot tub full of that particular strain of bacteria that you're looking for. ..."Lucked out".
HPYou lose some hit points. (stench damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. You know that burn you get on the roof of your mouth when you eat a slice of pizza too fast? Imagine getting that on your entire body. Including your face, since you're bobbing for bacteria.
HPYou lose some hit points. (hot damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. Then you wish you hadn't, because the water is boiling hot. And then you wish you hadn't taken this job, because you still have to fill your mouth with bacteria from the bottom of a hot tub in a mushroom-filled porn mansion.
HPYou lose some hit points. (hot damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. "Hot tub" is accurate, strictly speaking, but it would have been better served by being called a "scalding tub", or maybe a "boiling tub". And now your mouth is full of hot, hot bacterial action. Congratulations.
HPYou lose some hit points. (hot damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. The resulting pain is surprising, because as far as you can tell, the hot tub is indeed full of water, and not what your skin is telling you mist[sic] be molten lava. Which fills your mouth as you desperately try to collect some bacteria and escape.
HPYou lose some hit points. (hot damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. As it happens, this isn't a hot tub at all, but rather a freezing-cold tub. Which is okay on the whole, because clenching your jaw so your teeth don't chatter helps keep the bacteria from escaping your mouth anyway.
HPYou lose some hit points. (cold damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. Did you know it was possible to import fresh glacier water for hot tub use? Because judging from the blue color your skin has turned, that's what this is. As you fill your mouth with... ugh... bacteria, you can actually feel them shivering.
HPYou lose some hit points. (cold damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. Gah! It's freezing cold! This isn't a hot tub! It's the opposite of that! ...Still, you've got a job to do, and that's to fill your mouth with bacteria to take back to a boardwalk brogre. Some life this is you've got here.
HPYou lose some hit points. (cold damage)
You hunt around the Fun-Guy Mansion until you find a hot tub, and jump in. The water is far, far colder than it has any right to be, considering the sort of tub it's in, and you're halfway inclined to complain to the management. Except you'd have to open your mouth to do that, and then all this valuable bacteria might escape. We wouldn't want that, oh no.
HPYou lose some hit points. (cold damage)

You drag yourself back out of the hot tub with some more bacteria in your mouth. Yay!

  • Beaten up : (not obtained mushroom bacteria)

Using the last ounce of your strength, you drag yourself out of the hot tub and then out of the mansion.

  • Sometimes:
You notice that a nearby mushroom has a garter belt around its stem. You hesitantly poke it with your weapon it[sic] see if it's actually a fungoid playmate, but it does seem to be an ordinary mushroom. With a garter belt. And a Beach Buck stuck in it.
One of the playmates left her purse lying nearby, so you say a prayer to Yoink, the god of petty theft.
In one of the bedrooms, you discover that someone has nailed a Beach Buck to the wall. That seems like an odd thing to do. Evidently there's some subtle environmental storytelling going on here, but you can't be bothered to give a crap about that.
You find a Beach Buck lying next to someone's g-string. Which makes you wonder, greedily, where the other $999 went to.
You find a Beach Buck on a nearby bar -- someone must have left it as a tip for whoever was playing bartender. Well, here's a tip: don't leave money lying around when there's an adventurer nearby.
You find a Beach Buck stuck to the underside of a coffee table. I'm not going to ask what you were doing down there.
You find a Beach Buck floating in a champagne bucket. Since it's not a buck bucket, you take it. Maybe you can find a male deer to give it to.
You find a Beach Buck lying on the floor. I guess that was where it stopped.
Beachbuck.gifYou acquire an item: Beach Buck

Occurs at The Fun-Guy Mansion.

Notes

References

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