Fnord the Unspeakable

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Fnord the Unspeakable
Monster ID 1286
Locations The Gourd!
Hit Points 50
Attack 38
Defense 38
Initiative 75
Meat None
Phylum horror
Elements None
Resistance  ?
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, thorax
Drops
spider web, spider web, razor-sharp can lid, razor-sharp can lid, Knob Goblin firecracker, Knob Goblin firecracker, sharp tin strip, goblin collarbone, wad of spider silk
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Fnord the Unspeakable You're fighting Fnord the Unspeakable

A howl that that sounds like nothing so much as twisting, tearing metal fills the air, and a monstrous amalgamation of spider, goblin, and tin can that can only be Fnord the Unspeakable appears in the distance. "BEGONE, INTERLOPER!" it roars. "THIS IS BETWEEN US AND THE GOURD!"

"I fight for truth, you... crazy thing!" you shout in response. "It's time for the crimes of your shadowy masters to be exposed to the light!"

"YOUR BRAVADO WILL MAKE YOUR CRUSHING DEFEAT ALL THE MORE HILARIOUS!"

Hit Message(s):

He accuses you of being a dirty communist hippie pinko, and stomps on your head for a bit, to drive the point home. Argh!

He knocks you to the ground and tramples on you with his terrible pointy spider legs. He's really heavy! Argh!

He injects a large quantity of flouride into your bloodstream, irrevocably tainting your vital bodily essences. Argh!

He pummels you in a way that can be described as neither "secretive" nor "hush-hush". Ouch!

Critical Hit Message:

Fnord the Unspeakable shouts some words. You can't understand them, because they're largely spelled with the 38 other letters of the alphabet -- the ones THEY don't permit you to know. By the way, your brain just exploded. Ooh! Ow! Oof!

Miss Message(s):

He accuses you of being a dirty communist hippie pinko, and your feelings are hurt. That's all, though.

He attempts to trample on your rights, but you refuse to be silenced.

He tries to flouridate you, but you only drink bottled water.

He tries to attack you, but not unexpectedly for such a hideous abomination, he isn't all that coordinated.

Fumble Message:

"I know all about your terrible plans!" you shout. Fnord explains that his bosses don't actually tell him anything, and his plan is just to kill you and destroy the Gourd. (FUMBLE!)


After Combat

Web.gifYou acquire an item: spider web (??% chance)*
Web.gifYou acquire an item: spider web (??% chance)*
Canlid.gifYou acquire an item: razor-sharp can lid (??% chance)*
Canlid.gifYou acquire an item: razor-sharp can lid (??% chance)*
Firecrack.gifYou acquire an item: Knob Goblin firecracker (??% chance)*
Firecrack.gifYou acquire an item: Knob Goblin firecracker (??% chance)*
Tinstrip.gifYou acquire an item: sharp tin strip (??% chance)*
Collarbone.gifYou acquire an item: goblin collarbone (??% chance)*
Thicksilk.gifYou acquire an item: wad of spider silk (??% chance)*

Occurs at The Gourd!.

Notes

  • This monster cannot be copied.

References

  • References The Illuminatus! Trilogy, as do many of the conspiracies in this area. This is where Fnord and the "23 phenomena" became well-known.
  • References the comic series The Invisibles in which the normal human alphabet is intentionally crippled and reduced by outside forces to limit human capability for abstract thought, and to help hide the otherdimensional monstrosities watching them.
    • This in turn may be a reference to the "la li lu le lo" theory; supposed building blocks of the Japanese language that were "forbidden" for some reason; and people obeyed so completely that it was removed from record and memory.
  • The idea of fluoride tainting your "vital bodily essences" likely comes from Dr. Strangelove, where General Jack D. Ripper feared that Communists were conspiring to use fluoride to impurify everyone's precious bodily fluids.