Fantasy bandit

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Fantasy bandit
Monster ID 2060
Locations The Bandit Crossroads
Hit Points 100
Attack 100
Defense 100
Initiative 100
Meat None
Phylum dude
Elements None
Resistance  ?
Monster Parts arm, head, legs, torso
Rubee™, fat loot token
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
fantasy bandit You're fighting a fantasy bandit

A teenager in badly-fitting armor runs up to you, muttering "Okay, no problem, you can do this, you're a bandit, you're totally gonna bandit this out," to himself.

"Halt and forsooth!" he yells at you, his voice hardly cracking at all. "Surrender to me your gold pieces and your life! I mean or your life! Zounds!"


Another teenage bandit runs up to you. Or maybe it's the same one as last time? "Hey!" he shouts. "You there! I'm, uh, I'm a bandit! And this is a banditing!"

"Oh no!" you exclaim in mock fear. "What are you going to do to me?"

"I'm gonna, like, rob you! ...We can also do a selfie if you want one."


"Aha!" shouts a bandit. "A noble traveller resplendent with wealth for me to steal for mine own!"

You look at yourself. "...Me? Resplendent with wealth?"

"Yeah, well, for your sake I hope so. Have you seen the prices at the food carts? I mean uh yon victuals purveyances?"

"Hmm," you say. "Maybe I should be robbing you."


A bandit teenager hurriedly pockets his phone as you round the corner. "Er, uh, how dare you try and sneak up on a bandit! Fie on thee!"

"Your money or your life!" you yell.

"Hey, that's my thing! You can't bandit me!"

"Forsooth, sucker!"

"Oh it's on now!"


"Booyah!" shouts a bandit. "It's banditing time!"

"I kind of doubt traditional bandits said 'it's banditing time'," you say. "Or 'booyah'," for that matter."

"I'm allowed to improvise," he pouts. "Anyway, give me your money."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I get minimum wage plus whatever I can bandit."

"How about we just fight instead?"

"Aw man," he sighs. "Why doesn't anyone ever take the easy way?"


"Avast!" the bandit teenager yells. "Prepare for a keelhauling, ye lily-livered scallywag! ...Oh nuts, that's not right."

"Yeah, that was way more piratey than I was expecting," you say.

"Yeah, that was last season, sorry, my mind wandered for a second. Aw jeez, I'm just totally out of character now."

"It's cool, take your time."


A teenager dressed as a medieval bandit looks up from his script as you approach. "What does 'yon' mean?" he asks.

"It's like, that thing over there," you reply. "Like if you're pointing at a mountain far away, you might say 'check out yon mountain.'"

"Oh, like 'yonder'."


"So 'Forsooth yon traveler, relinquish thine valuables!' doesn't really make any sense," he says, frowning at the script. "I guess maybe we should just fight."

Hit Message(s):

He bandits you right in the leg. That fake sword kind of stings! Ooh! Oof! Ouch!

He bashes you with his sword -- which isn't sharp, but your face still doesn't like it very much. Argh! Ugh! Eek!

He stabs you in the <bung> with a surprisingly realistic sword. Ugh! Ow! Argh!

Critical Hit Message:

He starts to get too into his character, and really hammers you with his fake sword. (CRITICAL HIT!) Ow! Ooh! Ouch!

Miss Message(s):

He hits you with his script, which is startling but doesn't actually hurt.

He stops to check his script for a list of authorised battle-crys[sic].

He waves his sword around wildly, shouting things like "Forsooth!" and "On guard!" (sic)

Fumble Message:

He stop[sic] and checks his watch to see if his shift is over yet. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 0 Meat
Megagem.gifYou acquire an item: Rubee™ (% chance)*
You gain 6? Strengthliness.
You gain 30? Enchantedness.
You gain 9? Sarcasm.

Occurs at The Bandit Crossroads.


Weird, what's this? He must've stolen this from another guest!
Loottoken.gifYou acquire an item: fat loot token