Extra Savior Faire
You hear someone shout, "Hey, hey you! You with the face! No, not you . . . no, not you either, ma'am . . . you with the bald head and five o'clock shadow and the tinfoil clothes!"
You turn and see a guy leaping up the people-stream toward you, like a salmon about to get bizzay. He's wearing a brown robe, sandals, and has a goofy bowl-shaped haircut. "My god," he says, as he leaps through the throng, "I can't believe it's you. I've been searching for you all my life. Do you know who you are?"
"I know who I am, but what are you?" you respond. "Wait, what? What's this all about?"
He bows his head slightly. "My name is Korneelleeoos, a prophet of the Six Elements. You are the Savior of Humanity."
You sigh. "Can you just give me the Cliff's Notes, please? What do you want and how do I do it?"
"Cliff's what? What's Notes? Okay, in brief: there's an evil elder god that has been waiting to destroy the earth since the dawn of time. In prehistory, it fused with a virus and manifested as Cyrus the Virus. In later prehistory, it was strong enough in our plane to be worshipped as Ki'rhuss. The ancient warrior Krakrox stole Ki'rhuss's locus of power in this dimension: a ruby of extraordinary magnitude. Once the ruby was missing, Ki'rhuss had to wait thousands of years to try and break through to our dimension again."
"You're losing me."
"Too much exposition, huh? Let's break it up a little."
|Break it up, or down. Maybe slightly to the left.|
"So there's an elder god trying to break through into our plane of existence. Thankfully, we have the ruby that Krakrox stole all those eons ago. We have fashioned it into the Ruby Rod. The Rod is capable of uniting all six elements to produce a beam of extraordinary magnitude to defeat Mai'Lii -- that's the name the god is going by these days. And you're the only one who can wield the Rod, as is prophesied: 'The bald, wise-cracking one shall come, and hope shall come with him. Or near him.' We have sent the Rod through a stable wormhole in the space-time continuum, so that it can be equipped by the adventurer who is experiencing your memories at the moment. When that adventurer equips it in the past, you will hold it in the future."
"What?" you say, thoroughly baffled.
"Just repeat to yourself, 'it's just a show, I should really just relax.' tl;dr: use the Ruby Rod to unite all six elements, or we're all toast."
"But I only know of five elements: hot, cold, sleaze, stench, and spooky," you say.
"Well, then, I guess you have your work cut out for you, don’t you? You should probably try and find the Supreme Being. She might be able to help." And with that, the monk vanishes into the ever-moving throng of people.
You shout after him, but he doesn't stop. Well, this certainly sucks the sweat off a dead dog's butt. At least you're the savior of mankind, though. That's nifty.
|You gain 25 Smarm.|
|You acquire an item: Ruby Rod|
- The basic thrust of this adventure outlines the plot of The Fifth Element. In the aforementioned film, Korneelleeoos references Cornelius the priest, as Leeloo has some difficulty pronouncing his name at first.
- "Cyrus the Virus", "Ki'rhuss" and "Mai'lii" are a dual reference to Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus, as well as to the story of Lavos in Chrono Trigger.
- "It's just a show, I should really just relax" is a line from the theme song of Mystery Science Theater 3000, encouraging nerdy viewers to not worry about various minutiae.
- The name of the adventure is a reference to the They Might Be Giants song of a similar name.