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Well, now you're inside VGBND. It's about what you expected. Loud music, entirely male crowd, a choking atmosphere of smoke and cheap cologne.

You've always found, at times like this, that it's best to make your own fun. What sounds fun to you right now?

Pick a fight

You hear a hobo trying to pick up girls, using the most cliched lines you've ever heard. You can't help but heckle him a little bit -- he's not only sleazy, he's pathetic.

"Hey, babe," he says, "was your father a baker?"

"Because you kind of smell like bread," you say.

"No, because you have nice -- dangit, you scared her off!" the hobo tries again with another lady. "Hey, darlin', was your father a thief?"

"You see, I'm trying to track down the jerk who stole my bitchin' meatcar," you say.

"That's it! You're seriously throwing off my game!"

"Man, you're so far off the game, you can't even see the board."

Once it's clear he can't out-talk you, the hobo tries the time-honored rhetorical technique of attempting to pummel you senseless.

Sleaze hobo This monster is a Hobo -- (edit metadata)

Pick several fights

You start to feel a little claustrophobic as the club fills up. The number of warm hobo bodies is making it hotter and hotter, and you're afraid that soon someone's going to take off all their clothes. A warm, sweaty room full of hobos isn't anybody's idea of a good time, anyway. You decide to cause a little mayhem to thin the herd a little bit.

You order a drink, and prop it precariously near a hobo's elbow. When he inevitably knocks it over, you grab his lapels (which come off in your hands, so you have to grab his shoulders instead,) and shout "hey, watch where you're going, you indigent vagrant!" and give him a good push. As he starts to throw a punch, you drop down to the ground and he punches another hobo at the bar. The hobo sails backward and into a table, knocking over four drinks. Four angry hobos stand up, and one swings a chair, which misses the hobo who landed on the table and hits *another* innocent party, and --

Well, you see that there's a reason you never really get scenes like this in books, as opposed to visual media. Let's just sum up and say a giant, raging barfight breaks out through a series of hilarious coincidences, and if you could see it, you'd be laughing your head off (until someone broke a bottle over it).

Pick your nose

You stand around for a while, and before long you find yourself caught in a crowd of hobos, unable to move in the crushing mass of people. You get shoved hither and yon, toes stepped on, head bonked against a few walls, and then you hear a voice say, "Okay, you're on!" Some big bouncer-type dude grabs you by the shoulders and thrusts you onto a little stage. You spin around, dazed, and blink into bright lights. "What's going on? Where am I? What do you people want from me? Man, I could use a drink. Well, somebody say something! Where is everybody? This is nuts! What do you want me to do?"

You keep on ranting until the house lights come on, and you see three hobos sitting at a table in front of you. A banner on the table says "Loathing's Next Crazy Hobo."

The hobo on the left shakes his head slightly. "You were feelin' it, dawg," he says, "but it was a little pitchy. Next time, try and work yourself up to an even higher pitch of crazy. Like, you were feelin' it, but you weren't in it, you know, dawg?"

You decide to take that as a complement, and feel slightly better about yourself.

The hobo in the middle says, "That was a totally wonderful performance. I could see your aura dancing on feet of fire within the maelstrom of the elephant's eye."

You ponder that mysterious message a bit.

The last hobo says, "Well, that was completely and utterly awful. I would rather have someone put my head through this table than look at you for one more second."

You decide to oblige the hobo. The first couple of times, his head just bounces off the table, until you really put your back into it.

You gain (300% of <mainstat>) in Beefiness, capped at 1000.
You gain (300% of <mainstat>) in Enchantedness, capped at 1000.
You gain (300% of <mainstat>) in Smarm, capped at 1000.

Occurs after Getting Clubbed‎ when "Try to get inside" after enough hobos have been removed from the line using the other options, in The Purple Light District.


  • Starting a large fight eliminates 10% of all remaining Hobos in the Purple Light District, rounded down (minimum of 0).
  • Picking your nose will make it harder to get into this adventure on subsequent attempts. See Getting Clubbed for details.


  • The unfinished pickup lines are "Was your father a baker? Because you have nice buns." and "Was your father a thief? he stole all of the stars in the sky and put them in your eyes."
  • The "Pick your nose" section references American Idol.
  • "...you're afraid that soon someone's going to take off all their clothes." references the song Hot in Herre by Nelly.