Employee Assignment Kiosk
You head to the Employee Assignment Kiosk and approach the computer inside. Two jobs are posted for today in the Dinsey corporation's automated staff management system:
| Guests are becoming increasingly uneasy due to the old-timey racism present in Uncle Gator's Country Fun-Time Liquid Waste Sluice. Employees needed to update the more offensive elements of the ride.
The screen flashes "Assignment accepted, Employee #DL-<playernum>." The screen then lists a bunch of ideas for making the ride less racist, but the ideas are all themselves so racist that you decide to just use your own judgement. |
The water channels used by the Pirates of the Garbage Barges ride are predictably filled with garbage. Employees are needed to reduce the garbage load.
You press the button to accept the assignment. A hatch opens beneath the screen and a key falls out. You use the key to open a nearby locker and grab a net for fishing trash out of the water.
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| Guests have been heard describing the Toxic Teacups ride as 'boring' and 'the opposite of fun'. Employees needed to have highly-visible, exaggerated fun while on the ride.
The screen flashes "Assignment accepted, Employee #DL-<playernum>." A hatch opens beneath the screen and a fraying animal mask plops out onto the dirty ground.
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An invasive species of nasty bears has gained a foothold in Uncle Gator's Country Fun-Time Liquid Waste Sluice. Employees are needed to thin their numbers.
You press the button to accept the assignment.The screen displays an anatomical diagram of a nasty bear. You memorize the locations of all of glowing red weak points. | ||||||||
|
You press the button to accept the assignment.The screen dims a little. They weren't kidding about the power, I guess. |
You press the button to accept the assignment.A hatch opens beneath the screen and a pair of weird shoes falls out.
| ||||||||
| Progressive news outlets have begun to decry instances of sexism in the Pirates of the Garbage Barges ride. Employees needed for emergency misogyny-reduction.
The screen flashes "Assignment accepted, Employee #DL-<id>." The screen then lists all of the sexist aspects of the ride. The list is way too long to read, so you decide to just wing it. |
Well-fed guests are happy guests! Deliver snacks to the patrons waiting in line for Barf Mountain.
The screen flashes "Assignment accepted, Employee #DL-<id>." A hatch opens beneath the screen and a box of snacks issues forth.
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| Leave |
Occurs at Dinseylandfill.
Quest Progress
Racism Reduction
- 15 successful combats are required to reduce the racism at Uncle Gator's Country Fun-Time Liquid Waste Sluice. After each combat you receive messages drawn from:
- You reprogram the animatronic characters to not be afraid of ghosts.
- You repaint all the animatronic characters to make them more ethnically diverse. Also you switch the hats around a bit, which is fun.
- You add a blanket and some wax fruit, so it looks like the animatronic field workers are having a nice picnic.
- You add some cantaloupe and honeydew to make the animatronic fruit salad a little more diverse.
- You swap out an animatronic banjo for a sweet electric guitar.
- You repaint some manacles to make them look like colorful, unwieldy bracelets.
- You adjust the voiceboxes on some animatronic birds to tone down their offensive accents a little bit.
- You repaint an animatronic guy with a whip, so that it looks like he's offering to share his licorice. Kind of aggressively, but still...
- You repaint a scene of a man being forced to sit in the back of the bus so that it looks like he's being seated in the back of a limousine.
- The last combat message:
- You look over the ride and conclude that it's probably not unacceptably racist anymore. You should head back to that kiosk and collect your pay.
- Quest tracker messages change between:
- Double Ultra-Racist → Ultra-Racist → Hyper-Racist → Insanely Racist → Crazy Racist → Unacceptably Racist → Still Unacceptably Racist → 52% Racist → Moderately Racist → Pretty Racist → Definitely Still Too Racist → Still Uncomfortably Racist → Cute Grandma-Level Racist → Just a Little Bit Racist → Almost Not Racist → Return to the Kiosk to collect your wages.
- Upon completion:
- The screen flashes "Performance Review: Fair" and some money slides out of a slot beneath it.
You acquire 3 FunFunds™
Sexism Reduction
- 15 successful combats are required to reduce the sexism in Pirates of the Garbage Barges. After each combat you receive messages drawn from:
- You adjust the outfits on some animatronic ladies to be less titillating.
- You convert a few of the pirates' lewd gestures into friendly thumbs-ups and high-fives.
- You see some graffiti reading "For a good time call Trixie", and add "she is an excellent conversationalist" beneath it.
- You see an animatronic pirate smacking an animatronic tavern wen-- uh, hostess -- on the rear, and alter it so that it looks like he's giving her a 20% tip instead.
- You reprogram some of the pirates' dialogue routines, to remove a bunch of racy "walkin' the plank" jokes.
- You deflate a few of the more unrealistically bosomy animatronic ladies.
- You replace the pirate tavern's glass ceiling with a regular one.
- You find a display where an animatronic pirate is chasing an animatronic lady around a table, and alter the gearing so they switch who is chasing who every few minutes.
- You alter the outfits and hair on a bunch of the animatronic pirates to adjust the dude-pirate-to-lady-pirate ratio closer to 50/50.
- You vandalize a sign reading "WENCHES FOR SALE" to read "WRENCHES FOR SALE."
- You adjust an animatronic captain's ledger so that the lady pirates get paid the same as the dude pirates.
- The last combat message:
- You look over the ride and conclude that it's probably not embarrassingly sexist anymore. You should head back to that kiosk and collect your pay.
- Quest tracker messages change between:
- Cringe-Inducingly Sexist → Horrifyingly Sexist → Extremely Sexist → Way Too Sexist → Still Way Too Sexist → Terribly Sexist → 48% Too Sexist → Awfully Sexist → Pretty Sexist → Still Pretty Sexist → Relatively Sexist → Only Kinda Sexist → Barely Sexist → Nearly Not Sexist → Return to the Kiosk to collect your wages.
- Upon completion:
- The screen flashes "Performance Review: Acceptable" and some money slides out of a slot beneath it.
You acquire 3 FunFunds™
Waterway Debris Removal
- 20 successful combats are required to unclog the Pirates of the Garbage Barges ride. After each combat (with the trash net equipped) you receive the message:
- You fish one of the larger chunks of garbage out of the waterway and toss it into the barge behind you.
- There's still quite a bit of trash floating in the water, but at least the barges aren't getting hung up on it anymore. You should head back to that kiosk and collect your pay.
- Upon completion:
- The screen flashes "Performance Review: Sufficient" and some money slides out of a slot beneath it.
You acquire 3 FunFunds™
Compulsory Fun
- 15 successful combats are required to induce fun at The Toxic Teacups. After each combat (with the mask equipped) you receive the message:
- You make sure to stumble past some park guests and pretend to be having a good time.
- Quest tracker messages change between:
- Apparent Fun: Super Duper Boring → Super Boring → Crazy Boring → Boooooooring → Boring → Still Boring → Maybe Halfway Fun → Fun, Like, For Kids → Potentially Fun → Possibly Fun → Might Be Fun → Could Definitely Be Fun → Probably Fun → Almost Definitely Fun → Return to the Kiosk to collect your wages.
- Upon completion:
- The screen flashes "Performance Review: Tolerable" and some money slides out of a slot beneath it.
You acquire 3 FunFunds™
Track Maintenance
- All you have to do for this quest is have the lube-shoes equipped once when you choose Let's Ride at Barf Mountain in the This Ride Is Like... A Rollercoaster Baby Baby choice adventure. The second choice, which doesn't use a turn but makes the adventure come back the next adventure here, is ideally suited to equip the shoes.
- Upon completion:
- The screen flashes "Performance Review: Average" and some money slides out of a slot beneath it.
You acquire 3 FunFunds™
Electrical Maintenance
- To complete this quest, you simply have to turn in 20 toxic globules, which come from toxic beasties in The Toxic Teacups. Note that they are tradeable and you can buy them in the mall.
- Upon completion:
- The screen flashes "Performance Review: Unobjectionable" and some money slides out of a slot beneath it.
You acquire 3 FunFunds™
Bear Removal
- Defeat 8 nasty bears at Uncle Gator's Country Fun-Time Liquid Waste Sluice.
- Olfaction-like queue manipulation effects such as odor extractors or Transcendent Olfaction can help speed this up. However, banishers do not work on the other monsters in this zone.
- Upon completion:
- The screen flashes "Performance Review: Bearable" and some money slides out of a slot beneath it.
You acquire 3 FunFunds™
Guest Sustenance Assurance
- Feed 30 tourists (or just anybody at Barf Mountain) by using the Complimentary Dinsey refreshments basket in combat. Doing so will end the combat without stats, meat, items, or anything other than progress. However, you can placate 1-4 tourists per use, so this does not necessarily take 30 turns.
- Upon completion:
- The screen flashes "Performance Review: Adequate" and some money slides out of a slot beneath it.
You acquire 3 FunFunds™
