Elemental International Airport

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Back to the Right Side of the Tracks

The Elemental International Airport is the transport hub for a number of holiday destinations:

and offers duty-free shopping for all travelers.


  • Unsurprisingly, the Plane to Spring Break Beach takes you there:
After a convenient, comfortable and dignified ticketing and boarding process, you take a short, turbulence-free flight to Spring Break Beach.
Air travel, ladies and gentlemen. It's so great!
  • Also unsurprisingly, the Plane to Conspiracy Island takes you there:
Your flight to Conspiracy Island is nasty, brutish and short. After a few moments of turbulence, the plane tears itself apart in mid-air and crash lands on a beach.
You pull yourself out of the fiery wreckage and look around.
That must've been part of the experience, right?
  • Futhermore unsurprisingly, the Plane to Dinseylandfill takes you there:
You get in line with the thousands of other passengers bound for Dinseylandfill. You are herded through security like the cattle you are, forced into steerage like the steer you are, then vomited directly into the amusement park like the valued guests you are.
  • Likewise, unsurprisingly, the plane to That 70s Volcano takes you there:
The security on your flight to That 70s Volcano seems charmingly lax, even quaint -- they don't make you take off your shoes, or throw away your water bottle, or anything! It would be quite a relaxing trip, except for the fact that your seat is in the smoking section of the plane and the guy next to you is chaining unfiltered Camels.
  • The plane to The Glaciest takes you there, flabbergasting exactly nobody:
As your plane lands, the pilot says, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Glaciest. The local temperature is about a million degrees below zero, so if you could all get out quickly so I can shut the door, I'd appreciate it. I'd rather not have to go out and scrape the windshield."

Sometime on or before November 8 2015, the text for That 70s Volcano was different:

After a convenient, comfortable and dignified ticketing and boarding process, you take a short, turbulence-free flight to That 70s Volcano.
Air travel, ladies and gentlemen. It's so great!

On April 13 2016, a duty free shop was added to the airport. The announcement was:

April 13 - It's Tuesday somewhere! The Elemental Airport now has a Duty Free shop for people who don't believe in paying their taxes.


  • The description of the Conspiracy Island flight references the philosopher Thomas Hobbes' famous description of the quality of life during wartime: "nasty, brutish and short."
Elemental International Airport (Duty Free Shop)
Spring Break Beach
Conspiracy Island
That 70s Volcano
The Glaciest