Ed the Undying

For the special challenge path, see Actually Ed the Undying.

Ed the Undying
Monster ID	473
Locations	The Lower Chambers
Hit Points	256 1st and 2nd rounds 128 3rd round 64 4th round 32 5th round 16 6th round 8 7th round
Attack	180
Defense	162
No-Hit	190
Initiative	0
Meat	None
Phylum	undead
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	head, arm, leg, torso
Drops None
Quest	Holy MacGuffin
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting Ed the Undying

You step into the chamber and discover a large stone sarcophagus, elaborately engraved and inlaid with gold. It takes all your strength to lever off the lid, but you soon get it open and discover the object of your quest, the Holy MacGuffin, radiating with its own inner light. It rests in the hands of a large mummy, wrapped in bandages of ancient silk and wearing a gold-filigreed crown.

You step back from the sarcophagus and ready your weapon. "All right, let's get on with it," you say. "I know for a fact that you're going to come to life and attack me as soon as I try to take the MacGuffin, so let's just cut to the chase."

"Tch, you're no fun at all," says the mummy, as it sits up and peers at you with a frown. "In my day, adventurers knew how to stick to the script."

"Sorry, it's been a ridiculously long quest, and I'm a little cranky. Feel free to make whatever menacing speech you had prepared."

"Thank you." The mummy clears its throat, and then rises malevolently out of the sarcophagus, its eyes glowing red with anger. "FOOLISH MORTAL!" it booms. "YOU WOULD DARE TO DISTURB THE SLUMBER OF THE MIGHTY ED, THE UNDYING?"

"Ed? Not Ed-Ra, or Ed-hotep, or something?"

"Nah, I was never much for the fancy titles. You ready? I gotta warn you, the 'undying' thing is for reals. I've got the ancient magic of the ages going here, and I'm seriously gonna grind you into paste. Soon, the jackal-demons of the Underworld'll be feasting on your entrails, and such like that."

"Give it your best shot, old man," you taunt. "I'm gonna knock you back into the stone age."

"I think it was the bronze age, actually."

"Whatever."

Hit Message(s):

Ed bashes you in the face with a bony fist. Fortunately, the bandages wrapped around it soak up some of the blood. Oof! Argh! Ow! Ow! Ouch! Argh!

Ed grabs you by the throat and strangles the life out of you. Well, not all of it, but some. Eek! Eek!

Critical Hit Message:

Ed chants an ancient incantation, and you're suddenly afflicted with all manner of lice and boils. They go away pretty quickly, but it really sucks for a moment there. Ooh! Oof! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Miss Message(s):

Ed swings at you, but he's slow enough for you to shuffle out of the way before it connects.

Ed grabs you by the throat, but his hand pops off in a cloud of dust. You give it back to him, and he ties it back on with some more bandages. It's kind of an awkward moment.

Fumble Message:

Ed begins to chant an ancient incantation, but is interrupted by a dust-induced sneezing fit. (FUMBLE!)

---

After Combat

• After defeating him for the first time:

You gain 75 <substat>.

Congratulations! The Holy MacGuffin is yours for the taking!

Grab it!

You triumphantly step over the mummy's fallen husk, and reach for the Holy MacGuffin within the sarcophagus. It is nearly within your grasp, when you suddenly feel a bony grip on your ankle. "Not that easy, kiddo. Undying, remember?"

"Hell," you mutter. "I was hoping you were just bluffing."

"Nope."

• After defeating him for the second time:

You gain 75 <substat>.

The mummy collapses to the ground and lies still.

Grab the MacGuffin

You look down at the battered mummy, warily. "You still alive?"

"Yeah. Be with you in a sec."

You watch as it slowly gets to its feet, and leans on the sarcophagus to catch its breath a little. "Okay," it says. "You ready to give up yet? Jackal-demons, remember."

"Not hardly."

• After defeating him for the third time:

You gain 75 <substat>.

Ed's eyes glow with anger as he picks himself up off of the floor...

Sigh

"Okay, now I'm ticked," says Ed.

"Look, Ed, give it up. You've got an arm off. The Holy MacGuffin is mine."

"YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ED THE UNDYING, MORTAL!"

"Jeez, man, take a pill."

• After defeating him for the fourth time:

You gain 75 <substat>.

The mummy leans on the sarcophagus, panting heavily, then turns toward you with an angry glare...

Hit him, baby, one more time

Ed growls in inarticulate fury, his eyes blazing (though not as brightly as before).

"C'mon, dude. This is ridiculous."

"UNDYING!"

"sigh."

• After defeating him for the fifth time:

You gain 75 <substat>.

As Ed reels, you quickly smash his legs with a final sweeping blow. "There, maybe now you'll..."

"NEVER!"

Never?

"Graaaargh!" moans the mummy, shambling pathetically toward you.

"You're making me feel guilty, Ed. Knock it off!"

• After defeating him for the sixth time:

You gain 75 <substat>.

Your last blow appears to have severed Ed's torso. He starts clawing his way toward you with his one remaining arm.

Finally, take the MacGuffin

"Arrrrg!" *wheeze*

"Stay down, damn you!"

• After defeating him for the seventh time:

You gain 75 <substat>.

You sweep Ed's remains into a corner of the room, ignoring his groans and muttered curses, and step toward the sarcophagus. The Holy MacGuffin rests within, and as you pick it up, you are bathed in its radiant, shimmering light as a choir of angels triumphantly sing your praises and stuff.

Then you cram it in your pack and head back for town.

You acquire an item: Holy MacGuffin

---

Occurs at The Lower Chambers.

Notes

• Almost everywhere in the Kingdom of Loathing, one combat takes one adventure, and no more. The fight against Ed the Undying, however, is a connected series of combats that takes seven adventures. (True to his name, even after he is defeated, Ed the Undying is still alive in the corner, groaning; however, as he's chopped to pieces, he can't attack you again.)
  • You can't start the combat against Ed if you have fewer than seven adventures left. Trying it gives you this message:

    Something tells you the last bit of this is going to take a long time. Come back when you've got more Adventures to spare.

  • If you lose the combat or run away from it, you have to start it over again from round 1.
  • Ed appears to start with 256 HP in his first two forms, but this total is cut in half in subsequent forms. (128, then 64, then 32, 16 and 8.)
  • Each fight counts as a new combat, so once per combat skills such as Throw Shield or Fire Death Ray can be used against each stage of the fight. Similarly, items and effects that trigger at the end of each combat such as Purple Tongue will activate at the end of each fight.
  • Content Familiars can drop their items during any of the fights.
• If you use powdered organs on Ed, you get a different message.
• This monster cannot be copied.

References

• The fact that Ed always stands up again and continues fighting, especially when you cut his arm off, is a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, in which Arthur fights a knight who continues fighting until his arms and legs are cut off. "You've got an arm off" is a direct quote from said movie. Also, "Let's get on with it" is another quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
• "Ed-ra" and "Ed-hotep" refer to common suffixes of Ancient Egyptian pharaoh names. For example, "Tutankhamun" contains the name of the god Amun, while "Rahotep" is something like, "Ra is satisfied".
• The title "Ed the Undying" is probably a reference to the main villain of ThunderCats, who in one of his various forms was known as Mumm-Ra the Everliving.
• This may also be a reference to the British heavy metal band, Iron Maiden, whose mascot is a zombie by the name of Eddie. It may specifically be a reference to the album Powerslave, which has a strong Ancient-Egyptian theme in its art.
• "Hit him, baby, one more time" is a reference to the Britney Spears song "...Baby One More Time".
• "The Holy MacGuffin rests within, and as you pick it up, you are bathed in its radiant, shimmering light" is a reference to the Raiders of the Lost Ark.
• Giving the name Ed to a creature whose body gets whittled down (eventually severing the torso) may refer to a joke from the Asymmetric archives:
  • Q: What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and no torso?
  • A: 'Ed.
• The player's initial refusal to grab the Holy MacGuffin ("I know for a fact that you're going to come to life," etc.) suggests a lesson learned from the Protector Spectre, which arises when one attempts to grab the ancient amulet.
• This may be a parody of the tendency for final bosses in RPGs to have additional forms that you have to battle after defeating them, thus making you fight the same boss again, when you thought you'd already won.