Creamy pirate

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Creamy pirate
Monster ID 622
Locations The F'c'le
Hit Points 90
Attack 100
Defense 90
No-Hit 110
Initiative 50
Meat 49-73
Phylum pirate
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
cream stout, creamsicle, Oil of Parrrlay
Quest ball polish
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
creamy pirate You're fighting a creamy pirate

This pirate is practically smothered in various creams. He slathers on various unguents for everything from dry skin to missing limbs. No one knows why he does it -- maybe he was born under a bad sign. He usually spends his time hanging out in a white room with black curtains, far from the sunshine of your love, but today he's passing the time on the pirate ship before he dances the night away.

Hit Message(s):

He smears some kind of icy-hot muscle-relaxing cream on you. Hot hot hot! Ouch! Oof! Oof! (hot damage)

He smears some kind of icy-hot muscle-relaxing cream on you. Hot hot hot! Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

He smears some foul-smelling cream on you. Argh! Eek! Oof! Ouch! (stench damage)

He smears some cream on the deck, causing you to trip and whack your <throat>. Argh! Ow! Ugh!

He totally creams you. Ouch! Oof! Oof! Ouch!

Critical Hit Message:

You grapple with the creamy pirate until you finally get him in a chokehold. Unfortunately, he's so creamy he just slides out of your grip, leaving you covered with whatever he was covered with. Argh! Ow! Argh! Argh! (sleaze damage)

Miss Message(s):

He tries to grab you, but is too creamy to hold on.

He tries to cream you, but you scream at him to stop.

He tries to smear cream on you, but you tell him to cram his cream.

He tries to smear muscle-relaxing cream on you, but your muscles are tense enough to allow you to dodge.

Fumble Message:

He notices that there's a tiny patch of skin in the pit of his left elbow that isn't completely covered in cream. He stops fighting and goes off to rectify the problem. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 49-73 Meat (average: 61, stdev: 5.29)*
Tube.gifYou acquire an item: ball polish (30%* chance)*
Beerbottle.gifYou acquire an item: cream stout (19.9% chance)*
Creamsicle.gifYou acquire an item: creamsicle (20.9% chance)*
Balm.gifYou acquire an item: Oil of Parrrlay (15.5% chance)*
You gain 25 <substat>.

Occurs at the F'c'le.


  • The icy-hot message can have either cold or hot elemental damage.
  • The ball polish is a one-time drop per ascension.


  • This monster's description refers to the 60s rock band Cream.
  • Specifically to the songs Born Under a Bad Sign, White Room, Sunshine of Your Love, and Dance the Night Away.