Chat With Your Ancestors

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Chat With Your Ancestors
Chat With Your Ancestors
Zone Num  ?
Location Beyond the Pale
Unlocks unknown
Recom Stat 0
Combat % 0
ML 0
Terrain indeterminate
Special Adventures
Lucky none
refreshedit data

Non-combat Adventures

Ungrateful Alien

You walk over to the hallowed resting place of your ancestors. The first shade you encounter, though, doesn't look at all familiar. In fact, it looks pretty damn scary. It's some sort of alien being with long, slimy tentacles and more fangs than a gothic LARP.

"Hey, I thought my ancestors would be over here," you say, backing away from the frightening apparition.

"I am your ancestor," the alien says. "In fact, I am your father. I just took this form to make you more uncomfortable."

"Ah, I guess that makes sense," you say, while thinking the opposite. "So, uh... do you have any words of eternal wisdom for me?"

"Just a few," your dad says, wiping drool off its face and replacing it with slime. "Never fall in love. Love only leads to children, and children are a curse. Stay single, kid."

"Thanks, Dad." You give your father a slightly squishy embrace and wander off, contemplating his wisdom. "Hey, wait a minute..." you say, and spin around, but your father has vanished from this plane.

Grandma?

You wander the hallowed resting place of your ancestors and encounter your Grandmother.

"Grandma! It's so good to see you! I missed you so much after you died..." You try to give her a hug, but she steps back.

"Hrmph!" She stomps one tiny foot on the cloud you're standing on. "Missed me, did you? Did you ever once visit my grave? Did you pray to me before battle? Did you send flowers? Not once! You could have at least made something of yourself and let that be my tribute. But you couldn't even accomplish that much, could you? You're a failure and you'll always be one. Now go cut me a non-corporeal switch so I can teach you a lesson!"

You quickly will yourself into another aspect of Valhalla. Next time you'll be sure to seek out slightly more ancestral ancestors.

When I was your age...

You walk over to the hallowed resting place of your ancestors and are approached by a turtle tamer whose non-corporeal shade is missing an arm.

"Hey, I'm <player name>. Who are you?"

"I am your great-great-great-great grandfather, Valiant the Turtle Tamer."

"Why are you missing an arm?"

"Back in my day, whippersnapper, turtles weren't little slow-moving reptiles who were already half-tame anyway. They were a hundred feet tall and had big, sharp, pointy teeth. Turtle taming used to be work, junior, not a walk in the park. And don't think we had all the fancy spells and equipment you kids had. We just walked up to 'em and bonked 'em on the nose with a rock."

Another Turtle Tamer, this one missing a non-corporeal leg, hops up beside Valiant.

"I'm your great-great-great-great-GREAT-grandfather, Garrlahad the Turtle Tamer. You think you had it bad, Valiant? We didn't even have rocks! We would have rejoiced to have a rock! We hit 'em square on the nose with our bare hands! And their noses were the size of small cottages, so half the time we just got sucked into their nostril! You had it easy!"

"Ha!" Another Turtle Tamer, this one missing both arms and one leg, hops up. "I would have danced a jig if I had been sucked into a turtle's nostril! You had it soft! We used to go and poke the turtle right under the tail! Sucked into their nose... what a joke!"

You wander off as a limbless neanderthal rolls up to the group and starts saying "Ugh oog eeg! Ha!" Looks like talking to old people is equally as rewarding in the afterlife as it is in The Kingdom.

Past Lives

As you wander the hallowed resting place of your ancestors, you are surprised to encounter King Yore V. "Wow, you're one of my ancestors? I never knew I had kings in my lineage."

"Oh, I'm more than that," King Yore says. "I'm actually you. Or, rather, you're me. I mean, you were me in a past life. We're the same guy."

"I used to be a king? I used to be... you?"

"Yup. You'd be surprised how many people were somebody famous in a past life. It's almost as if people use reincarnation to feed their egos."

"But if we're the same person, how are we talking to each other? It's making my non-corporeal head hurt."

"Hey, you've got a point the--" Yore says, and vanishes in a puff of metaphysics. You mosey off to find an intangible aspirin.


Occurred Beyond the Pale.

References

  • "Ungrateful Alien" includes a twisted reworking of the film Contact, in which an alien takes the form of a character's deceased father.
  • "Grandma?" is a reference to a chapter in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, in which one of the characters attempts to get out of a life-threatening situation by contacting his great-grandfather, although he doesn't realize that his great-grandson is about to die and talks about other things.
  • In "When I was your age..." one of the Turtle Tamers mentions the turtles had "big, sharp, pointy teeth". This is probably a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, in which a killer bunny has "big, sharp, pointy teeth." The discussion is probably a reference to the Four Yorkshiremen sketch from At Last the 1948 Show.
  • "Past Lives" is a reference to a part of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy about how man proved God's existence by showing how the Babel Fish couldn't have evolved by chance. God then vanishes in a puff of logic since proof replaces faith, and His existence is based on faith.