Bread Golem

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Bread Golem
Monster ID 35
Locations Tower Ruins
Hit Points 8
Attack 16
Defense 14
No-Hit 26
Initiative 60
Meat 26-38
Phylum construct
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
Drops
wad of dough
Manuel eldritch dough
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Bread Golem You're fighting a Bread Golem

This is a golem made out of a loaf of bread. You find him crusty and his wit stale. Having thought the previous sentence, you almost hope he manages to kick your ass.

Hit Message(s):

He tempts you with his tasty bread, and pounds your <groin> when you reach for it. Oof! Ugh!

He swipes at you with an exceptionally sharp bit of crust, hitting you right in the <kidney>. Ooh! Ouch!

He smashes into your face with the entire loaf that is his head. Argh! Oof!

He starts to sing a bland, boring song. You doze off and smack your head on the floor. Ooh! Ooh!

Critical Hit Message:

He crumbles some of his bread and throws it at you. It doesn't hurt, but the ensuing flock of hungry pigeons certainly does. Oof! Ugh!

Miss Message(s):

He tempts you with his tasty bread, but you remind him you don't live by him alone.

He swipes at you with a sharp bit of crust, but you smash it into croutons.

He starts to smash you with his loaf, but decides to loaf around instead.

He starts to sing a bland, boring song, but you say "baby, I'm'a want you to stop that."

Fumble Message:

He pulls out a bread knife and tries to slice you, but ends up slicing himself instead. Which, y'know, is the greatest thing since something-or-other. (FUMBLE!)


After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 26-38 Meat (average: 32, stdev: 2.83)*
Dough.gifYou acquire an item: wad of dough (31.0% chance)*
Dough.gifYou acquire an item: eldritch dough (?? chance)*
You gain 3-4 <substat>.

Occurs at Tower Ruins.

Notes

References

  • The first missed attack is a play on a line from the New Testament of the Christian Bible. The devil tempts Jesus with bread in the desert, and Jesus responds by saying man does not live by bread alone. It shows up in two forms, "But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4) and "And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God" (Luke 4:4).
  • Another of the missed attacks is a reference to the 1970s soft rock band Bread and its 1972 album Baby I'm-a Want You.
  • "the greatest thing since something-or-other." is referring to the common saying "(blank) is the greatest thing since sliced bread!"