Big Candy

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Big Candy
Monster ID 1148
Locations Advent Calendar (2011) Day 20: Fight Big Candy
Hit Points 1000
Attack 400
Defense 400
Initiative 50
Meat None
Phylum Indeterminate
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts Indeterminate
Drops
Big Candy's tophat
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Big Candy
You're fighting Big Candy

You hop into the diorama, carefully angling your fall so you land on the sail barge. Big Candy reclines on a dais (on a dais on a dais) at one end, sipping cocoa out of a fishbowl, while a girl with two big licorice whips growing out of her head dances.

You wave your hand towards Big Candy. "You will restore candy deliveries to Uncle Crimbo," you say.

"Hurr hurr hurr," Big Candy chuckles, polishing his peppermint monocle, "nice try, meat-man. But Uncle Crimbo is cut off. That deadbeat has not once made a payment on-time! And every time I send someone to collect, they eat him! Seriously, that's just impolite." Big Candy pauses and licks his lips, which is roundly unsettling to watch. "But I suppose I could negotiate a new trade agreement with him, if you're amenable."

So it looks like you can either sit down and talk about tariffs and embargoes, or get in a big fight. I'm not even going to pretend you're going to choose the first option.

Hit Message(s):

You get a little too close to Big Candy and he licks you with his huge, unsettling tongue. Yick. Ooh! Ugh! Ow! Ooh! Argh! (sleaze damage)

One of Big Candy's bounty hunters shoots a sugar laser at your <ankle>. What's a sugar laser, anyway? Ouch! Ooh! Ouch! Oof! Ooh! Ouch! Ugh! Ow! Oof! Argh!

Big Candy's vizier sneaks behind you and stabs you with a sharpened candy cane. Never trust those guys. Eek! Oof! Ouch! Eek! Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! Argh! Eek! Ooh!

The licorice-whip-headed dancer whips you in the <shins> with her . . . fronds? Tendrils? Tentacles? Hair? Eek! Ugh! Eek! Ouch! Eek!

Critical Hit Message:

He drops you through a trapdoor into the basement of the sail barge, which has a huge ugly monster in it. It chews on your <shoulder> something fierce, before you drop a big metal door on it. Oof! Eek! Argh! Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! Ow! Eek! Ugh! Ooh!

Miss Message(s):

He moistens his fudgy lips with his big gross tongue. Ick.

The band playing on the barge finishes their set and is replaced by a computer-generated, much crappier band.

One of Big Candy's bounty hunters rushes at you, but trips and falls off the edge of the barge.

You wave your hand at the bounty hunter approaching and say, "you don't want to hit me. You want to go screw yourself." It's a good thing you can't see what he does next.

Fumble Message:

One of his licorice-whip-haired slave girls grabs a length of taffy and starts strangling him. It doesn't seem to hurt, but he has to stop fighting to deal with it. (FUMBLE!)


After Combat

Tophat.gifYou acquire an item: Big Candy's tophat (100% chance)*

Occurs when choosing Fight Big Candy at the Advent Calendar (2011).

References

  • As with the Naughty Sorceress fight, there's a reference to Falco's Rock Me Amadeus.
  • Big Candy's appearance, hit/miss messages and his immunity to hand-waving are all references to Jabba the Hutt, from the movie, Return of the Jedi.
  • The miss message about the band being replaced by CGI is a reference to George Lucas rereleasing Return of the Jedi with many things changed to CGI.
  • The licorice-whip slave girl in the hit and fumble messages are a reference to Princess Leia when she was temporarily enslaved. The fumble message, in particular, refers to her garotting Jabba the Hutt in a similar manner.
  • The 3rd hit message may be a reference to similar untrustworthy viziers in Discworld.
  • Using psychic powers to tell someone to go screw themselves may be a reference to the comic Preacher, where just that happens at one point. This is, in turn, a reference to the mind-controlling Jedi powers of the Star Wars saga.