Best-selling novelist

From TheKolWiki
Jump to: navigation, search

Best-selling novelist
Monster ID 602
Locations The Sorceress' Tower (The Stairs)
Hit Points 99999
Attack 99999
Defense 89999
No-Hit 100009
Initiative 0
Meat None
Phylum dude
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts torso, head, arm, leg
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
best-selling novelist You're fighting a best-selling novelist

On this level of the tower, you meet a man in a tweed jacket, holding a large hardback book, from which he is reading aloud. The story has to do with some ancient conspiracy of knights and some famous historical painter that apparently hid secret messages in basically every work of art he ever did and there's a bunch of stuff about religion that's probably meant to be really shocking and it's all got a thin veneer of crappy murder mystery all over it and oh god you're falling asleep and you just know that as soon as you do he's gonna bludgeon you to death with that great big freaking book...

Hit Message(s):

You fall asleep, and he bludgeons you with his great big freaking book. Ugh! Ooh! Ouch! Ugh! Argh! Ow! Argh! Ugh! Ooh! Ugh!

You get so bored, you make up a new game, where you see how many times you can hit yourself with your weapon before you pass out. Eek! Ugh! Eek! Eek! Ouch! Eek! Ow! Eek! Ooh! Ow!

It becomes apparent that you aren't listening, and he clubs you in the head with the spine of his book. Oof! Ouch! Ugh! Argh! Oof! Ugh! Argh! Ouch! Argh! Eek!

Miss Message(s):

He tries to you[sic] in the <kidney>, but misses.

You chuck the plot hole at the novelist, and it lands perfectly on the page he's reading from. The book is already so full of plot holes that your addition pushes it over the event horizon, and the novelist is sucked away into a whirling maelstrom of utter ludicrousness. Not wanting to touch the book with your hands, you kick it out of the window and continue on your way.
You gain 40 <substat>.

Formerly occurred at The Sorceress' Tower (The Stairs). Can still be encountered via Wishing.


  • This monster cannot be copied.
  • This monster's combat weakness was the plot hole.
  • This event first became available on June 25, 2007 as a result of NS-13.
  • If you lose, you will receive a hint as to which item to use.
    • First hint: Man, that is definitely the worst book you've ever been pummeled with.
    • Second hint: That story has so many problems, you don't even know where to begin.
    • Third hint: Maybe there's some way of bringing the book's problems to the author's attention.
    • Fourth hint: You need some way to alert the author to why his book sucks so badly.
    • Fifth hint: Maybe a plot hole from the Penultimate Airship would get this guy's attention.
  • The fifth hint erroneously states that the plot hole is from the Penultimate Fantasy Airship. It can actually be found at the Castle in the Clouds in the Sky.


  • This monster's description is a jab at novelist Dan Brown and his most famous novel, The Da Vinci Code.
  • "On this level of the Tower" is a recurring phrase in Stephen King's book series The Dark Tower.
  • The death message mentions an event horizon, which is, in layman's terms, the edge of a black hole.