Alice's Army Guard
Ed "Ward" Robe
As a child, Ed Robe spent all of his time reading, studying, and pondering the secrets of the universe. Thankfully, when he reached a certain age, his rapidly-developing muscles led him down a much more interesting career path: soaking damage for Alice's Army. He shudders to think how many flatulous books of philosophy he might have written without the distraction of being totally, thoroughly buff.
Still, there are times when he's being stabbed with a sword, or a spear, or a shuriken, that he dreams of the academic life. But you have to play the hand that you're dealt, and Ed's hand only had one card: himself.
Selling Price: 5 Meat.
(In-game plural: Alice's Army Guards)