A Test of Testarrrsterone

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Needs a better estimate of stat gains for "Cheat" and "Drink Up" options, as well as the "wuss out" option, as it seems to not be capped at 150.

A Test of Testarrrsterone
A Test of Testarrrsterone

In a corner of the barrr, you see two manly pirates having an argument about which one of them is more manly.

"I be farrr more masculine than ye be, ye landlubber!" one says. "I only stop drinking when I'm fightin', and I only stop fightin' or drinkin' when I'm wenchin'!"

"Ha!" the other one replies. "I can fight, drink, and wench at the same time, and only occasionally do I punch the wench, sip my opponent, and do something unfortunate with the bottle o' grog!"

"Fellows, fellows," you say, "I think you're both overlooking an important point, here. Stereotypical concepts of gender roles only serve to facilitate the compartmentalization of society, fostering the myth of the other and leading to alienation and..." you break off as you see both of them staring at you, looking confused. Since you know that, with manly types, looking confused usually leads to face-punching the object of the confusion, you quickly change tactics.

  • For male character:

"Er, what I mean is, neither of ye be as manly as me! Yarrrrgh! And to prove it, I'll challenge ye to a drinkin' contest!"

The manly pirates quickly agree to test their drinking skills against yours. Since you're not entirely sure you can beat them, how are you going to pull this off?

  • For female character:

"What I mean is, I could drink either of ye under the table, and I'm just a wee lass!"

"Why would we be under the table in the first place?" one of the pirates asks, nonplussed.

"I mean, I challenge you to a drinking contest!" you say, smacking your forehead.

The manly pirates quickly agree to test their drinking skills against yours. Since you're not entirely sure you can beat them, how are you going to pull this off?

  • If you are a Mysticality class:

You raise your glass, teleport the contents into one of your opponent's stomachs, and slam the empty glass back down. You repeat the trick, switching opponents each glass, until both of them are snoring softly under the table. You write immature and inappropriate things on their faces with a marrrker, then arrange them into an embarrassing tableaux.

You gain 38-100 Beefiness.
You gain 36-100 Enchantedness.
You gain 41-100 Roguishness.
  • Otherwise:

You raise your glass, mime drinking, then quietly pour the glass out under the table. You feel pretty moxious while you're getting away with it, until one of your pirate opponents notices his shoes are soaking wet.

The ensuing barrr brawl (brarrrwl?) proves a pretty effective workout, all things considered.

You gain 26-100 Beefiness.
You gain 33-100 Sarcasm.

Drink up and hope for the best

You face off against the two manly pirates, matching them drink for drink. The contest quickly degenerates into feats of strength (arm-wrestling, chair-lifting, floor-crawling), feats of moxie (distance urination, attempts at wenching) and feats of magic (managing not to vomit). There's no clear winner, but there are three clear losers.

You gain 3 Drunkenness.
You gain 51-300 Muscleboundness.
You gain 92-300 Enchantedness.
You gain 68-300 Sarcasm.

Wuss out

You decide that drinking is a lot less fun when it's goal-oriented, and decide to weasel out of the contest. As you and the two manly pirates sit down at the table to drink, you stomp on one pirate's foot and blame the other pirate. The ensuing free-for-all gives you plenty of time to sneak out, unharmed and sober.

You gain (200%-300% of <mainstat>) in Sarcasm, capped at 150.

Occurs at Barrrney's Barrr.