A Radio on a Beach
You turn the biggest knob on the radio until you find a signal:
<Garbled mission text>
| Reply |
- When accepting a quest:
You press the button labeled "TALK" and spout out your best paramilitary-sounding radio lingo.
<random attempt at radio lingo>
Your best is not very good. Thankfully, the voice on the other end of the line doesn't seem to mind, and responds:
<Mission acceptance text>
- Before completing the mission:
You press the talk button and confidently shout <random lingo> into the microphone. The reply comes almost instantly:
<Mission not completed text>
- When completing the mission:
You press the talk button and confidently shout <random lingo> into the microphone. The reply comes almost instantly:
<Mission completion text>
| Keep Listening |
- If the quest has not been accepted:
<More garbled mission text>
- If a quest is underway:
"Awaiting mission status update from activated operative. Message repeats."
| Leave the radio alone |
You walk away from the radio.
Mission Text
Pungle in the Jungle
- Mission text:
"Attention any available operative. Attention any available operative. The director of Project Buena Vista has posted a significant bounty for the collection of jungle-related puns. Repeat: Jungle-related puns. Non-jungle puns or jungle non-puns will not be accepted. Non-jungle non-puns, by order of the director, are to be rewarded with summary execution. Message repeats."
- Acceptance text:
"Acknowledged, unidentified operative. Releasing pun-optimized recording device for local use. According to the director, 11 puns should be sufficient to meet the needs of Project Buena Vista. "
A panel slides open on the lower part of the radio, revealing a portable tape recorder.
 | You acquire an item: encrypted micro-cassette recorder |
- Subsequent times:
"Operative, according to our field manuals, X is less than 11 according to current protocol. Return when 11 jungle puns have been recorded."
- On completion:
"Acknowledged, operative."
The tape recorder self-destructs with a shower of sparks and a puff of smoke. In its place is a neat stack of coins. Cool trick!
 | You acquire 20 Coins-spiracy |
Everyone's Running Out of Smokes
- Mission text:
"Attention Operative 00-A-6. Colonel Kurzweil at Jungle Interior Camp 4 reports that they have run out of smokes. Repeat: They have run out of smokes. Requests immediate assistance. Message repeats."
- Acceptance text:
"Acknowledged, Operative 00-A-6. Report to the jungle theater immediately and acquire cigarettes by any means necessary. Do not, I repeat, do not smoke any of them yourself. They are a highly dangerous experimental brand and are not safe. Repeat: not safe. "
Well, duh. What is this, 1950?
Actually, wait a minute. Is this 1950?
- Subsequent times:
"Operative 00-A-6, you've obviously never been to one of Kurzweil's parties if you think that's enough cigarettes. Ten packs. Minimum."
- On completion:
"Acknowledged, Operative 00-A-6. Colonel Kurzweil will rendevous with you at your current position to retrieve the cigarettes."
A strange, overweight bald man rockets past you on a jet-ski, grabbing the cigarettes with a grappling gun and tossing you a pile of coins. He mutters "The horror..." but you don't get to hear the end of the sentence as he vanishes into the distance.
| You acquire 30 Coins-spiracy |
Serum Sortie
- Mission text:
"Attention Operative 21-B-M. Emergency deployment orders have been executed due to a shortage of experimental serum P-00. Repeat: P Zero Zero. Lt. Weirdeaux is known to have P-00 manufacturing facilities inside the Site 15 mansion. Message repeats."
- Acceptance text:
"Acknowledged, Operative 21-B-M. Collect 5 vials and return to staging area. Repeat. 5 vials. Five. F. I. V. E. V. I. A. L. S. "
Huh. I wonder how many vials they want.
- Subsequent times:
"Operative 21-B-M, apologies for the lack of clarity in your deployment orders. Mission parameters dictate the retrieval of five vials. Five. Five. Five."
- On completion:
"Acknowledged, Operative 21-B-M. Please return vials via the postal receptacle adjacent to your current location."
Sure enough, there's a mailbox next to the radio. How did you not notice that before? You drop the vials into it, and in doing so find your payment taped to the underside of the handle.
| You acquire 30 Coins-spiracy |
Fake Medium at Large
- Mission text:
"Attention Operative EC-T-1. An outside client has expressed interest in the acquisition of an ESP suppression collar from the laboratory. Operationally significant sums of money are involved. Message repeats."
- Acceptance text:
"Acknowledged, Operative EC-T-1. Please note that this operation should be carried out with maximal discretion, as the existing client will clearly not approve of action taken on behalf of the new client. "
Sure. "Client."
- Subsequent times:
"Operative EC-T-1, immediate acquisition of the ESP suppression collar is requested."
- On completion:
"Acknowledged, Operative EC-T-1. Client requests that ESP suppression collar be thrown into the ocean. Claims they have agents there that will retrieve it."
Whatever you say, crazy radio. You toss the device into the ocean, and a few seconds later, a bag of coins erupts from beneath the water and lands right in front of you.
| You acquire 30 Coins-spiracy |
Out of Order
- Mission text:
"Attention Operative QZ-N-0. Colonel Kurzweil at Jungle Interior Camp 4 reports the theft of Project T. L. B. materials. Requests immediate assistance. Is confident that it has not yet been removed from the jungle. Message repeats."
- Acceptance text:
"Acknowledged, Operative QZ-N-0. Use provided GPS tracking device to home in on Project L. B. T. signal. "
A panel opens on the side of the radio. Inside is a beeping digital watch. Nifty!
 | You acquire an item: GPS-tracking wristwatch |
- Subsequent times:
"Operative QZ-N-0, Project L. B. T. remains at large. Resume search protocols. Immediately."
- On completion:
"Acknowledged, Operative QZ-N-0. A drone has been deployed to retrieve Project L. B. T. and deliver your payment. Please stand by."
You stand by. The radio. And also by the ocean, I guess. After a moment, sure enough, a drone arrives, takes your nifty new watch and the sandwich, and drops a little bag of coins neatly into your hands.
| You acquire 30 Coins-spiracy |
The Big Clipper
- Mission text:
"Attention any available operative. Attention any available operative. A reward has been posted for DNA evidence gathered from Lt. Weirdeaux's subjects inside Site 15. The DNA is to be gathered via keratin extraction. Message repeats."
- Acceptance text:
"Acknowledged, unidentified operative. Keratin-extraction tools can be found point one seven clicks west-northwest of your location, underneath dead drop rock Orange 17. Return once 23 units have been collected. "
You walk up the beach a ways (a ways being approximately 17% of one kilometer, it turns out) until you find a rock with the number 17 on it in bright orange paint. You pick it up, and sure enough there is a pair of fingernail clippers underneath it.
 | You acquire an item: military-grade fingernail clippers |
- Subsequent times:
"Negative, negative operative. Insufficient DNA gathered. 23 units are required."
- Upon completion:
"Acknowledged, operative. Return to dead drop Orange 17 for payment."
You head back up the beach to return the fingernails and the clippers, and when you pick up good old Orange 17, there's a pile of money waiting for you!
| You acquire 20 Coins-spiracy |
Gore Tipper
- Mission text:
"Attention any available operative. Attention any available operative. Laboratory overseer General Sitterson reports unacceptable levels of environmental gore. Several elevator shafts are already fully clogged, limiting staff mobility, and several surveillance camera lenses have been rendered opaque, placing the validity of experimental data at risk. Immediate janitorial assistance is requested. Message repeats."
- Acceptance text:
"Acknowledged, unidentified operative. Deploying gore-optimized cleaning supplies now. "
A bucket falls from the sky, hitting you on the head.
 | You acquire an item: gore bucket |
 | You lose 15 hit points. |
- Subsequent times:
"Operative, flesh scanners report that gore levels in the laboratory are still above safe operational tolerances. Continue janitorial efforts."
- Upon completion:
"Acknowledged, operative. Lab monitoring equipment reports that environmental gore levels are now within experimental tolerances."
A pile of coins falls from the sky, presumably from the same place the bucket came from.
| You acquire 20 Coins-spiracy |
Choking on the Rind
- Mission text:
"Attention Operative 01-A-A. General Sitterson reports a... situation involving experiment E-V-E-6. Military intervention has been requested. Message repeats."
- Acceptance text:
"Acknowledged, Operative 01-A-A. Subject in question is located in containment sector DD-2. Navigation protocol Lima Lima Romeo Lima Romeo is advised. Repeat. Navigation protocol Lima Lima Romeo Lime Romeo. "
Huh. If you were actually Operative 01-A-A, you would presumably understand what that navigation protocol meant.
- Subsequent times:
"Neutralization not yet confirmed. Proceed to containment sector DD-2 immediately. Navigation protocol Lima Lima Romeo Lima Romeo is advised."
- Upon completion:
"Acknowledged, Operative 01-A-A. Neutralization of experimental subject has been confirmed by Sitterson. Payment is being deployed now."
A little stack of coins, tied up neatly with a silver ribbon, descends from above you on a tiny parachute.
| You acquire 30 Coins-spiracy |
Quests
- Pungle in the Jungle
- Your mysterious contact wants you to wander around the Deep Dark Jungle coming up with puns. (X / 11 written so far)
- Serum Sortie
- Your mysterious contact wants you to recover 5 vials of experimental serum P-00 from Dr. Weirdeaux's Mansion. (X / 5 recovered)
- The Big Clipper
- Your mysterious contact wants you to gather fingernail clippings from the Mansion of Dr. Weirdeaux. (X / 23 collected so far)
- Everyone's Running Out of Smokes
- Your mysterious contact reports that Colonel Kurzweil in the Deep Dark Jungle needs 10 packs of smokes. (X / 10 collected)
- Out of Order
- Your mysterious contact wants you to scour the Deep Dark Jungle for signs of Project L. B. T.
- Gore Tipper
- Your mysterious contact wants you to go to the Secret Government Laboratory and clean up gore. (gore bucket X% full)
- Choking on the Rind
- Your mysterious contact wants you to neutralize project E-V-E-6 in the Secret Government Laboratory.
- Fake Medium at Large
- Your mysterious contact wants you to go to the Secret Government Laboratory and acquire an ESP suppression collar..
Occurs when clicking on A Radio on Conspiracy Island.
Notes
- This encounter does not take a turn.
- Messages are interrupted at random with garbled speech, static, series of beeps, and a woman's voice reciting NATO phonetic alphabet words.
- The full sequence of the words in woman's voice spells out BONERCORNCHOADFARTBUTTS repeating.
- Pressing "Keep listening" repeats the same mission text, but with the interruptions placed differently.
- You can only receive one mission a day. If you complete a mission you received on a previous day, you can receive a new mission for that day.
- If you have already received and completed a mission on a day, the Reply button is not available and the radio broadcasts the following:
- You randomly twiddle the knobs on the radio, but all you hear is static.
Oh well. Maybe try again tomorrow.
- You randomly twiddle the knobs on the radio, but all you hear is static.
- Each quest's progress is sped up by doing, or maximizing, a different thing:
| Quest | Reward | Affected By |
|---|---|---|
| Choking on the Rind | 30 | The navigation path is based on the sequence given during the start text. Use free runaways or free fights to increase the zone's turn counter if you want to spend fewer turns there. |
| Everyone's Running Out of Smokes | 30 | +Item, and Olfact the smoke monster if you can |
| Fake Medium at Large | 30 | Each round the last sentence of the intro text tells you what to choose:
|
| Gore Tipper | 20 | +Meat%, bonus from familiars appear to be excluded. |
| Out of Order | 30 | +Initiative%, every 50% init is worth 1 point, a total of 5000% is needed. |
| Pungle in the Jungle | 20 | Buffed Mysticality |
| Serum Sortie | 30 | +Item% (or you can just buy vials of experimental serum P-00 in the mall) |
| The Big Clipper | 20 | Clippers can be used up to 3 times per combat. Note that frog heads will prevent you from getting their nails. |
- Each quest which rewards 30 Coins-spiracy can only be completed once. Ascension does not reset this. However, pressing the Ω button on A Mysterious Control Panel will make them available again.
References
- The name of the quest "Choking on the Rind" comes from the lyrics of Eve-6's song "Inside Out."
- The name of the quest "Gore Tipper" is a reference to Tipper Gore, previous spouse of former U.S. vice president Al Gore.
- Pungle in the Jungle may be a reference to the Jethro Tull song Bungle in the Jungle, from their 1974 album War Child.
- The Pungle in the Jungle quest refers to the Disneyland Jungle Cruise, which features a tour guide spouting humorous narration filled with bad puns. The "Project Buena Vista" mentioned as the buyer of the puns refers to the Buena Vista brand name which was formerly used by subsidiaries of The Walt Disney Company.
- The name of the quest "The Big Clipper" may be an allusion to The Big Dipper.
- The operative designation "QZ-N-0" is a reference to Quiznos, a fast-food restaurant specialized in sandwiches.
