A Bard Day's Night

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A Bard Day's Night
A Bard Day's Night

You sneak through the harem, congratulating yourself on your sneaky stealthiness. Your self-back-patting is abruptly cut short when you hear a chorus of girlish squeals behind you and suddenly find yourself surrounded by harem girls.

"It's The Bard! It's The Bard!" They shriek. They carry you on their shoulders into a room with a small stage at one end. Someone shoves an acoustic guitarrr into your hands.

"Play a song! Play a song!" They chant. Since you don't want to get caught and thrown to the Elite Guardsmen, you'd better play. You try to remember a few of the tunes you used to play at your campsite.

Play the classic rock 'n' roll song "Boozember Rain"

You start to sing the sad, long song about how hard it is to keep a thin, black candle lit when it's raining in Boozember. The harem girls hold up lit torches and sway back and forth. One of them takes off her veil, wipes her teary eyes with it, and tosses it to you.

Veil.gifYou acquire an item: Knob Goblin harem veil

Play the hit crooner tune "It's Completely Ordinary"

You stand up on stage, swivel your hips, and start singing. "It's completely ordinary / to have someone show affection," you sing, making your voice as deep and virile as you can. "It's completely ordinary / to enjoy the company of another person." For some reason, this whips the harem girls into a frenzy. They start taking off their pants and throwing them at you! You manage to dodge the flying clothing through the rest of the song, then grab a pair of pants in case you need 'em later.

Harempants.gifYou acquire an item: Knob Goblin harem pants

Play the smash country hit "Here's 25 Meat."

You affect the deepest Whitey's Grove twang you can and start singing. As soon as you hit the chorus, "Here's 25 meat, contact someone who is concerned with your overall well-being," the harem girls pelt you with meat. Apparently it's customary, and it only stings a little bit once you get used to dodging. At the end of the song you have a decent stack of meat sitting in front of you.

Meat.gifYou gain 90-110 Meat.

Occurred at Harem.


  • "A Bard Day's Night" is a pun on the song "A Hard Day's Night" by The Beatles.
  • "Boozember Rain" is a play on "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses; "how hard it is to keep a thin, black candle lit when it's raining in Boozember" is a play on "...and it's hard to hold a candle / In this cold November Rain" from the same song. It also might be a reference to "I lit a thin green candle / To make you jealous of me" from the song "One of Us Cannot Be Wrong" by Leonard Cohen.
  • "It's Completely Ordinary" is a play on the song "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones, who is not only renowned for his übersexy on-stage gyrations and persona, but also for having women in the audience throw their underwear at him.
  • "Here's 25 meat, contact someone who is concerned with your overall well-being" is a play on Travis Tritt's "Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)."