O.A.F.

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O.A.F.
Positronic Brain It's sure to "improve" your game No, Seriously.

Ability: Reduces stat gains, takes away MP, removes effects, forces you to attack with your weapon instead of using items and skills, randomly autosells dropped items, and prints a variety of useless messages.

Hatchling: Deactivated O. A. F. Deactivated O. A. F.

Familiar-Specific Equipment: hardware upgrade hardware upgrade

The Cake-Shaped Arena	Ultimate Cage Match	Scavenger Hunt	Obstacle Course	Hide and Seek
	O.A.F.	O.A.F.	O.A.F.	O.A.F.

• At the beginning of combat:

  <name> says: "This is not an optimum location for an adventurer of your abilities. I recommend that you relocate to <random location>."

  <name> says "The effect <random effect> is not optimal at this time. Removing."

  <name> says: "$bn read MACNAM, $pnp read MACNAM. Password: maximum output resource yield. Illegal entry: try again."

  You hear a sizzling noise, and a puff of blue smoke wafts out of <name>'s rear vent.

• Regular messages:

  <name> says "Use of that skill has been calculated to be sub-optimal. I recommend that you attack with your weapon, instead."

  (Combat proceeds as if you had attacked with your equipped weapon.)

  <name> says "Use of that item has been calculated to be sub-optimal. I recommend that you attack with your weapon, instead."

  (Combat proceeds as if you had attacked with your equipped weapon.)

  <name> says: "Chosen course of action found to be non-opticlick opticlick opticlick ...Standing by."

  A clanking and grinding of gears emerges from somewhere in <name>'s robotic innards.

• At the end of combat:

  <name> says "You are advancing at an unbalanced and suboptimal rate. Please allow me to adjust your advancement rate to compensate."

  (Reduces stat gain.)

  <name> starts humming the chorus to "Daisy Bell".

  (Reduces stat gain.)

  <name> says: "WARNING: Stack overflow. Functions reset."

  (Reduces stat gain.)

  <name> says: "Three, four, five, six, boxcars. Gate closed."

  (Reduces stat gain.)

  <name> says "Your present level of Muscularity/Mana/Mojo Points is suboptimal for the current situation. Adjusting."

  You lose 5-10 Mana points.

  <name> grabs an item off of the ground, and says "I have determined that the Meat you could get for this <item you would have received from the encounter> is more useful under the current circumstances than the item itself."
  He runs off, and comes back a few minutes later to hand you some Meat.

  Meat	You gain <the item's autosell value> Meat.

  <name> says: "Your current Hit Point / Muscularity Point levels are sub-optimal. It is recommended that you rest at your campsite."

  <name> says: "SYSTAT: Direct Readout Uptime: 9:01:44."

  <name> says: "Amulfax shuffletime: less than one percent of freight drain. Log file."

• When adventuring with increased monster level:

  <name> says "This opponent's power is inappropriate compared to yours. Adjusting."
  Your opponent seems to shrink.

  (Monster level is decreased by X.)

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  <name> stares with blank, unfeeling, robotic eyes from beneath the Tam o'Shanter.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> glances at the maypole and rocks back and forth, but can't really dance.

• With wax lips equipped:

  <name> doesn't look friendly, even with the wax lips stuck to his exoskeleton.

Arena Messages

• <name> considers that activity sub-optimal. Or maybe he just really sucks at it, and doesn't want you to know.

Notes

• This familiar's hatchling was available on April Fool's Day, 2007, by trading 100 twinkly wads at The Traveling Trader.
• The familiar's haiku was missing for a couple of hours after it premiered.
• The debuffing function only removes buffs that can be shrugged off, so you can't use this to remove Goofball Withdrawal, for example.
• This familiar can act multiple times in a round, and can use its autosell function more than once at the end of a combat.
• The O.A.F. sometimes reduces stat gains from combat even when it does not display one of the stat reduction messages.
• The stat reduction cuts base stat gains from monsters by 1/2. Extra Stat Gains from Fights are added normally.
• At the beginning of every combat, the O.A.F. will remove all increased Monster Level. The two exceptions are +ML provided by the three Mind-Control Devices and Slime Tube bladder squeezes.
• The <random location> which the O.A.F. recommends is one of The Haiku Dungeon, The Graffiti Wall, The Typical Tavern or "bzzt $locname".

References

• O.A.F. stands for Optimal Ascension Familiar, which was invented by Mr. Skullhead here.
  • The letters O, A, F, also spell out noun, pejorative, one who is clumsy or a simpleton, an idiot.
• The HAL 9000 supercomputer from 2001: A Space Odyssey sang "Daisy Bell" as it was shut down.
• A positronic brain is a common science fiction device that causes consciousness in robots, conceived by Isaac Asimov and notably used in Star Trek and the Perry Rhodan novels.
• The messages: "SYSTAT: Direct Readout Uptime: 9:01:44.", "Three, four, five, six, boxcars. Gate closed.", "$bn read MACNAM, $pnp read MACNAM. Password: maximum output resource yield. Illegal entry: try again.", and "Amulfax shuffletime: less than one percent of freight drain. Log file." are all quoted from the Firesign Theatre album I Think We're All Bozos on This Bus, and are all lines spoken by Dr. Memory, a massive central administrative Computer/AI for a futuristic themepark.