| There are some vague or non-exact figures and information on this page. Some spading is required.
|Locations||The Purple Light District: Van, Damn|
You walk around to the back of the van, and throw the doors wide.
"Oh, hey there! My name's Chester," says a mild-voiced hobo from somewhere in the front of the van. "Are you here for some candy?"
"No," you reply, " I'm here-"
"Did you wanna take a nap, then? I've got a real comfy mattress in here, if you're sleepy."
"Dude, no. I came here to-"
"To play with some toys? I've got all kinds of toys. Come on in here, and I'll show you."
"I'm not interested in your toys," you say, "I'm here to kick your ass."
"That doesn't sound like something a good little <boy/girl> would say. That must make you a bad little <boy/girl>. And bad little <boys/girls> have to be punished."
He advances on you, and while the look in his eyes isn't exactly malicious, it definitely gives you the impression that he's picturing you naked. You shudder as you raise your weapon.
He cranks the van's stereo up, and you're bowled over by an ear-splitting fragment of a Barry White song. Ow! Eek! Ooh! Ow! Oof! Argh! Ouch! Ooh! Ow! Ow!
He grabs a jack from the back of the van, and beats you with it. You can't believe that jerk whacked you with a jack! Ugh! Ugh! Oof! Ooh! Ouch! Ouch! Ow! Ouch! Ow! Ugh!
He puts on some romantic music, turns the lights down low, and hits you really hard in the skull. Man. You weren't expecting that last part! Oof! Ugh! Ow! Ouch! Ow! Ugh! Argh! Ooh! Ow! Ow!
He says "This is going to excite me a lot more than it hurts you," pulls out a paddle, bends you over his knee, and gives you a sound spanking. It is quite possibly the most humiliating thing you've ever experienced. Eek! Ouch! Ow! Ooh! Argh! Oof! Eek! Eek! Eek! Oof!
He shows you a doll, and asks you to point to where you'd like him to touch you. You try to knock the doll out of his hands, but end up accidentally pointing at its <ankle> in the process. Ow! Argh! Argh! Eek! Ugh! Ugh! Ooh! Oof! Ooh! Ugh! (sleaze damage)
Worn out from chasing you around the van, he pauses to take a little nap on the mattress he keeps in the back of it.
He cranks the van's stereo up, but you whippersnappers have done so much damage to your hearing with that awful Rock and Roll noise that it doesn't even faze you.
He moves as if to attack you, but starts swaying back and forth creepily to the soft music coming out of the van's stereo.
He shows you a doll, and asks you to point to where you'd like him to touch you. You point to a spot three feet to the doll's left, and he obligingly gropes thin air. (FUMBLE!)
|You acquire an item: Chorale of Companionship (???% chance)*|
|You acquire some extra-greasy sliders (???% chance)*|
|An item drops: Chester's Aquarius medallion (???% chance)*|
|An item drops: Chester's bag of candy (???% chance)*|
|An item drops: Chester's cutoffs (???% chance)*|
|An item drops: Chester's moustache (???% chance)*|
|An item drops: Chester's muscle shirt (???% chance)*|
|An item drops: Chester's sunglasses (???% chance)*|
|You acquire a clan trophy:||Handful of Chest Hair|
Occurs at The Purple Light District.
- Chester prevents use of any Combat Items, with the message:
- [Chester stops you from using that item]
- Simply being near Chester causes damage:
- Just being near Chester makes you feel kind of... icky. (sleaze damage)
- Hobopolis bosses are immune to effects which would cause them to be unable to act over multiple rounds, such as entangling noodles, chloroform rags, and Richard's Grenades.
- "Chester" is prison slang for a CHild molESTER.
- The doll messages refer to a real method used by police to gather testimony from molested children in a non-threatening way (i.e. "Show me on the doll where he touched you.")
- The second hit message refers to several slang terms for masturbation: Beating, jerking, whacking, and jacking.