Wealthy pirate
From TheKolWiki
 You're fighting a wealthy pirateThis pirate has more meat than a weighty discussion in a slaughterhouse. He could buy and sell you a hundred times over. Despite all that wealth, though, he's still not happy. I suppose that wise, ancient saying is true: Mo' meat, mo' problems.
Hit Message(s):
He lights ten meat on fire, uses them to light a cigar, then puts the cigar out on your <leg>. Oof! Argh! Eek!
He kicks you in the <leg> with his ridiculously expensive shoes, then kicks you again for scuffing them. Ow! Ouch! Ooh!
He pays one of the other pirates on the ship to punch you in the face. Eek! Ugh! Eek!
He pays the captain of the pirate ship to take a hard turn to port. You fall over the side into the filthy water. Argh! Oof! Ugh! (sleaze damage)
Critical Hit Message:
He offers you one million meat if you'll really, truly beat the crap out of yourself. You do a decent job of kicking your own ass, only to have him refuse to pay you. Well, of course he didn't get wealthy by giving money to chumps, y'know. Oof! Ugh! Oof!
Miss Message(s):
He's too busy browsing catalogues to attack this round.
He offers you some meat to punch yourself in the face, but he underestimates your asking price.
He starts to kick you, but decides he doesn't want to scuff his ridiculously expensive shoes.
He's too busy counting his meat to attack.
Fumble Message:
He offers you a million meat to beat yourself up. You agree, but then he counters by offering one meat. "Just what kind of person do you think I am?" you ask, and he says "We've established that, now we're haggling over the price."
  Meat | You gain 160-240 Meat. (average: 200, stdev: 16.73)* |
Occurs at The Poop Deck.
Notes
References
- "We've established that, now we're haggling over the price" is a reference to an anecdote told about Sir Winston Churchill, who purportedly offered a woman million pounds to sleep with him, then offered one pound.
- "Mo' meat, mo' problems", is a reference to a rap song by The Notorious B.I.G., called "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems".
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