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You're fighting the Warbear Officer
You blast off with your hoverbelt and encounter a bear hovering around the second level of the fortress. He growls at you, hefts his laser axe, and swoops in to deck your halls.
You fly up to the second level of the Warbear Fortress. A guard sees you, snaps his faceplate down, and blasts off to engage you in what he hopes will be a brief and bloody battle.
You hover unsteadily on your hoverbelt, still getting used to the strange technology. A warbear spots you and deploys his wingsuit with a click and a whine of servo motors.
You hover up with your hoverbelt, spying a warbear who seems a little distracted. As you swoop in, though, he snaps to attention, snaps open his laser sword, and prepares to snap you in half.
You swoop over the heads of some warbear guards. One of them spots you, growls, "negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full," and swoops up to beat the stuffing out of you.
You swoop in and out of the second floor windows with your hoverbelt. A warbear spots you and flies over, shouting, "hey! In or out! We're not trying to cool the whole outdoors, here!"
You swoop silently over the head of a warbear guard. Then you go and spoil the effect by humming the theme from Top Gun, and he spots you and gets ready to take you down.
You hover up on your hoverbelt, buzzing a few guards who are taking a Cloaca-Cola break. One of them spots you, drops his bottle, and flies up to engage you in aerial combat.
You swoop up to the second level of the Warbear Fortress. A guard spots you and flies up. "Did you know that human blood bounces on ice?" he growls, his voice augmented and deepened by his cybernetic helmet. "Well, you're about to find out."
Critical Hit Message:
He pulls out a blaster and blasts the crap out of your <elbow>. Ow! Argh! Oof! Ooh! Eek! Ow! Ouch! (Supercold damage)
He swings his laser axe at your knees. You hover higher, but it still catches you in the <bung>. Ooh! Eek! Oof! Ouch! Argh! Ooh! Ooh! (Supercold damage)
He deploys a bunch of heat-seeking missiles. You try to put off less heat, but your natural heat will not be denied, and a few of them hit you. Ow! Ooh! Ow! Oof! Ow! Ow! Ouch! (Supercold damage)
He grabs you and slams you into the shoulder spikes on his armor. Eek! Ooh! Oof! Ow! Ouch! Oof! Ugh! (Supercold damage)
He hits you with a flying kick. I mean, you're fighting in midair so all the kicks are flying kicks, but this one especially so. Oof! Ow! Ouch! Ow! Eek! Ouch! Ooh! (Supercold damage)
He hits you with a rocket punch. Wait, sorry, I meant he punches you and then hits you with a rocket while you're reeling. Ugh! Oof! Ow! Argh! Ow! Ooh! Eek! (Supercold damage)
He swings his laser axe right at your torso. You dodge, but it still catches you in the <giblets>, and he peppers you with buckshot from his shoulder turrets while you struggle to escape. Ow! Argh! Eek! Eek! Ouch! Oof! Oof! (Supercold damage)
He pulls out a blaster, but can't hit the broad side of a barn with it.
He swings his laser axe at you, but you swoop down so it misses you.
He deploys a bunch of heat-seeking missiles, but you're too cool for them to sense you.
He tries to slam you into the spikes on his armor, but you cut the power on your hoverbelt and drop a few feet.
He tries to hit you with a flying kick, but you hover a few feet higher so he flies under you.
He tries to hit you with a rocket punch, but his elbow rocket fails to fire.
He hits the button to pop up his shoulder turrets, but accidentally hits the switch that cuts out his hoverbelt. He drops twenty feet before he can power it back on, and looks a tiny bit embarrassed. (FUMBLE!)
Occurs at WarBear Fortress (Second Level).
- The more of these you beat, the more difficult they become. This resets at rollover.
- Sometimes, after the monster description, a line is added to show how many you have beaten, like so:
- Beat 14 of these so far today.
- If you lose to a Warbear Officer and come back, the same Warbear with the same name and drone and everything will greet you. This also resets on rollover.
- Scales to your stats. (Does more damage than usual?)
- Seems to have a chance to shrug off stunning.
- Each Warbear Officer has a special trait:
- Agile: Higher defense (about 33%)
- Burly: More HP
- Hardened: ~85% elemental resistance
- Heavily-Armored: Improved hard damage cap
- Poly-Phasic: ~85% physical resistance
- Speed-Boosted: Always wins initiative
- Vicious: Higher attack
- Has a hard damage cap and initial passive supercold damage like Warbear Foot Soldier.
- The monster can be CLEESHed, but it will be back when you return. Looking at the image drones will appear to stay around for the first round of the combat against the frog/newt/salamander. They will not act, however, and disappear in the second round. This is probably a bug.
- Possible monster images:
- Can be assisted by a drone, which acts every round (even if the officer is stunned):
Warbear buzzsaw drone
|Deal (MAX HP/4) physical damage
- The buzzsaw drone gets itself lodged halfway through your <ear>.
- The buzzsaw drone proves it's the class cut-up by cutting you up. And down.
- The buzzsaw drone cuts you so bad, you wish it hadn't cut you so bad.
- The buzzsaw drone severs a couple of your fingers, realizing your lifelong goal of looking like your old shop teacher.
- The buzzsaw drone severs your favorite <leg>.
- The buzzsaw drone takes an inch off of your nipple.
- The buzzsaw drone slices through one of your favorite fingers.
- The buzzsaw drone starts to saw through your leg. It doesn't make it all the way through, but it's bad enough.
- The buzzsaw drone peels your <arse> like a banana.
- The buzzsaw drone slices you from <shoulder> to <foot>.
Warbear welding drone
|Deal (MAX HP/4) hot damage?
- The welding drone welds some hot rebar to your <solar plexus>.
- The welding drone melts a pipe overhead, making hot metal drip onto your <thigh>.
- The welding drone applies some hot solder to your <skull>.
- The welding drone turns up its torch to a blue flame and cauterizes your <elbow>.
- The welding drone brands you with the hot tip of its welding torch.
- The welding drone flicks some liquid-hot metal into your <leg>.
- The welding drone heats a pipe to red-hot, then brands you with it.
- The welding drone arc-welds your <leg> to your <face>.
- The welding drone brands your <elbow> with a white-hot bit of metal.
- The welding drone solders your <head> and your <knee> together.
Warbear refrigeration drone
|Deal (MAX HP/4) Cold damage
- One of the refrigeration drone's hoses comes loose, and you get blasted with frigid air.
- The refrigeration drone blasts you with freezing cold air.
- The refrigeration drone huffs, and puffs, and blows out frigid air until your face goes numb.
- The refrigeration drone hoses you down with ice-cold water.
- The refrigeration drone puffs snowflakes out of a vent, then uses them to wash your face with snow.
- The refrigeration drone scrapes some frost off of itself, then throws a snowball at your <leg>.
- The refrigeration drone sprays you with shaved ice. At least it didn't add some flavored syrup on top.
- The refrigeration drone tries to give you a refreshing shower, but it mistakenly thinks you have warbear cold tolerance.
- The refrigeration drone tries to hand you a glass of cold water, but spills it on your head instead.
- The refrigeration drone dutifully produces an ice cube, but lacking a glass to put it in, tries to shove it into your <thigh> instead.
Warbear mortuary drone
|Deal (MAX HP/4) spooky damage
- The mortuary drone emits a soft wail as a few drops of blood seep from its vents.
- The mortuary drone hisses, "Ki ki ki ah ah ah." It's pretty creepy.
- The mortuary drone picks up some nearby chains and clanks them together creepily.
- The mortuary drone plays a funeral march entirely in servo-motor whine. It's unnerving.
- The mortuary drone plays a holographic loop of a creepy girl whose joints bend all wrong crawling out of a well.
- The mortuary drone reminds you of the inevitability of your mortality. What a jerk.
- The mortuary drone whispers and giggles. It's not pleasant.
- The mortuary drone clicks a few times, then expels a handful of teeth. Yikes.
- The mortuary drone sprays you with a cloud of bone dust.
- The mortuary drone displays a holographic representation of a zombie warbear. It's pretty freaky.
Warbear sewer drone
|~50 Stench damage
- The sewer drone burbles some filthy green water through its vents and drips it on you. Ugh.
- The sewer drone denies that it's responsible for the stench you're smelling, but you know he who denies it supplies it.
- The sewer drone puffs out some gas that probably originated in bear behinds.
- The sewer drone belches black smoke which smells even worse than the green smoke. Maybe there's a tire fire in the bear sewer.
- The sewer drone doesn't attack, per se, but its base smell is an attack in and of itself.
- The sewer drone turns its fans on full blast, buffeting you with foul-smelling bear air.
- The sewer drone wafts sewer gas in your direction. You're not thrilled.
- The sewer drone belches green, foul-smelling smoke, like some kind of hippy.
- The sewer drone starts sewing things together, then realizes that's the tailor drone's job, and blasts you with sewer gas.
- The sewer drone wafts a sulfurous gas out of its vents, and doesn't even excuse itself.
Warbear erotic massage drone
|Deal (MAX HP/4) sleaze damage
- The erotic massage drone empties its fluid storage valve all over you. Blech.
- The erotic massage drone rubs your shoulders, then blows on your neck, giving you the shivers in a bad way.
- The erotic massage drone sticks a sopping-wet probe into your ear. Ugh.
- The erotic massage drone squirts massage oil all over you. Gross.
- The erotic massage drone tickles your ribs, then squeezes your butt.
- The erotic massage drone gives you a friendly pat on the butt, then follows up with an overly-familiar squeeze.
- The erotic massage drone rubs whale blubber all over you. I guess that's what warbears are into.
- The erotic massage drone squirts you with bacon-grease-scented massage oil.
- The erotic massage drone irises one camera-eye in and out in a freakishly lascivious fashion.
- The erotic massage drone gives you an extremely vigorous backrub. Too vigorous. Way, way too vigorous.
Environmental control drone
|Deal (MAX HP/4) supercold damage
- The environmental control drone cranks down the temperature until icicles form inside your bones.
- The environmental control drone cranks down the thermostat like it's trying to cool the whole outdoors.
- The environmental control drone cranks down the temperature until the tip of your nose turns pink, then red, then black.
- The environmental control drone cools the air until your blood is a slushie.
- The environmental control drone detects a drop in ambient temperature and activates its cooling coils at their highest setting.
- The environmental control drone cranks down the temperature until your teeth start to crack.
- The environmental control drone cools the air until your eyeballs freeze into little round ice cubes.
- The environmental control drone cranks down the temperature until you can't feel your feet, your hands, or your head.
- The environmental control drone notices your body temperature is raising the ambient temperature, so it blasts you with freezing air.
- The environmental control drone cools the air until your joints crack and freeze.
Warbear medical drone
|Heal warbear 18? HP (=10% of MAX HP?), when injured
- The medical drone applies a poultice to one of the warbear's wounds.
- The medical drone applies a band-aid to the warbear with detached robotic precision.
- The medical drone cauterizes one of the warbear's wounds with a tiny laser.
- The medical drone gives the warbear a quick infusion of platelets to heal his wounds.
- The medical drone injects the bear with a syringe of glowing green liquid.
- The medical drone peels a band-aid with robotic precision and applies it to the warbear without even touching the sterile pad. Woah.
- The medical drone shines a green light on the warbear, which seems to reinvigorate him.
- The medical drone stitches up one of the warbear's wounds, lightning-quick and with tiny stitches almost too small to see.
- The medical drone pops a pill into the warbear's mouth. He seems reinvigorated.
- The medical drone extrudes some gauze and puts it on one of the warbear's wounds.
Warbear electrical maintenance drone
|Drain ?? MP
- The electrical maintenance drone beeps and whirs, then hits you with an arc of electricity that leaves you drained.
- The electrical maintenance drone hooks up some charging cables to your <knee> and <ear> and drains your energy.
- The electrical maintenance drone hooks up some clamps to your lower back and your calf, and you feel your energy being drained.
- The electrical maintenance drone says, "EXCESS ELECTRICAL DISCHARGE DETECTED." It sticks out a probe and drains some energy off of you.
- The electrical maintenance drone sticks out a Jacob's Ladder-looking thing. and shocks you with it. You feel a little drained.
- The electrical maintenance drone pokes you with a couple of wires, somehow sucking power out of you. I don't know; I'm no electrician.
- The electrical maintenance drone says, "BATTERY LEVEL CRITICAL. INITIATING EMERGENCY CHARGING PROTOCOL." It pokes you with a couple of electrodes and you feel drained.
- The electrical maintenance drone sticks a plug up your nose and drains some of your energy.
- The electrical maintenance drone shoots you with a weird reverse taser that sucks energy out of you instead of shocking you.
- The electrical maintenance drone pops a set of charging cables out of its body and hooks them on you, draining your energy.
Warbear toxin processing drone
|inflicts 1-3 adventures of Really Quite Poisoned
(A bezoar ring will not protect you from this.)
- The toxin processing drone decides to study the effects of injecting an adventurer with a seriously toxic poison.
- The toxin processing drone injects you with an all-natural compound made from crushed apple seeds.
- The toxin processing drone processes some toxins by... injecting them into your <nipple>.
- The toxin processing drone poisons you with a nano-particle-infested warbear chemical weapon.
- The toxin processing drone injects you with some foul-smelling green substance. This can't end well.
- The toxin processing drone injects you with one of its more virulent toxins.
- The toxin processing drone shoots you up with deadly poison.
- The toxin processing drone poisons you with something that smells like bitter almonds.
- The toxin processing drone injects you in the lips with venomous poison.
- The toxin processing drone pokes you with a syringe full of something that probably isn't apple cider.
Names are constructed thusly:
<Title> <Name> <Name><suffix><suffix> the <Trait> Warbear Officer:
| Warbear Title
|| Warbear Trait
| Gunnery Sergeant
| Lance Corporal
| Petty Officer
| Second Lieutenant
| Senior Master Sergeant
| Technical Sergeant
See Warbear Foot Soldier for a list of <names> and <suffixes>.
- On December 23, 2013, in a stealth-fix update, Speed-Boosted bears were fixed. They always won init and had more health. After the update, Speed-Boosted bears only always win init, and a new type of bear, Burly, has more health.