Uncle Hobo

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Uncle Hobo
Monster ID unknown
Locations Elf Alley: Clear and Present Danger
Hit Points 15000
Attack 750
Defense 750
No-Hit 760
Initiative Indeterminate
Meat None
Phylum Indeterminate
Elements None
Resistance 100% physical, 100% elemental (only damaged by gift items)
Monster Parts Indeterminate
Drops
Uncle Hobo's gift baggy pants, Uncle Hobo's epic beard, Uncle Hobo's stocking cap, Uncle Hobo's highest bough, Uncle Hobo's fingerless tinsel gloves, Uncle Hobo's belt, Uncle Crimbo's Rations, chocolate cigar
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Uncle Hobo You're fighting Uncle Hobo

You see an ancient hobo with a foot-long white beard, hunkering down next to a fire and eating franks 'n' beans straight out of the can. He's humming to himself and muttering, "almost time now. I can feel it comin' in the air tonight."

"Oh, Lord," you say, stepping closer. "Don't I know you? Aren't you . . . Uncle Crimbo?"

The hobo smiles a loony smile. "Might used to be, but I ain't anymore. That monstrosity's runnin' things now. But the magic's comin', kid. The magic don't forget. The magic's callin' the elves to me, and callin' me to the elves. The magic don't want no mutant corporate stooge runnin' the show. Hat or no hat, kid, the magic --"

Something changes in the hobo's face, and the loony smile turns into a grimace. His dazed, glassy eyes turn bright and flint-hard, and he looks at you like he's seeing you for the first time. "You! What're you doin' on my squat? What're you lookin' at me like that fer? I'm gonna wallop ya!"

Hit Message(s):

He tries to block the radio signals cooking your brain by wrapping your head in plastic wrap. You panic and black out. Ugh! Ow! Eek! Ooh! Ow! Argh! Ouch! Oof!

He puts a cigar out on you, then uses your still-smoking skin to light a new one. Happy Crimbo! Ugh! Eek! Eek! Argh! Ugh! Oof! Oof! Ooh!

He says, "oh, I feel it, kid! The Crimbo magic's comin' on strong now!" then he downs an entire fifth of cinnamon schnapps and belches fire at you. Oof! Ow! Oof! Ugh! Ouch! Ooh! Oof! Eek! (hot damage)

He mutters something about Crimbo magic, then stabs you with a sharpened sprig of holly. Oof! Ouch! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Oof! Argh! Ugh!

He grabs some sleigh bells and shakes them really loud next to your ear. Eek! Ugh! Oof! Ow! Ooh! Oof! Ouch! Argh!

He hits you with his ring hand. Even though he's long since pawned all of his rings, it still hurts. Ouch! Eek! Ouch! Ooh! Ow! Eek! Ouch! Argh!

He strings up some mistletoe above you and kisses you. You don't know which is worse, the stubble or the breath. Ouch! Ugh! Ugh! Oof! Ugh! Ooh! Ow! Oof! (stench damage)

Miss Message(s):

He tells you about the radio signals that are cooking your brain. It's a fascinating story.

He tries to put his cigar out on you, but you point out it's not a cigar, but a herring.

He mutters something about Crimbo magic, and goes all glassy-eyed again.

He sits in the corner for a minute, rocking and muttering about Crimbo magic.

He tells you to shut up or he'll hit you with his ring hand. So you shut up.

He strings up some mistletoe, but you decline to be kissed.


After Combat

Upon defeat:

Uncle Hobo says, "Hold on, kid. I need a breather," and collapses onto a cardboard box. "So, you think you beat me, huh?" he says, glaring at you with his bloodshot eyes. "You ain't just fightin' some ornery hobo, kid. You're fighting the magic. I'm sure we'll meet again soon." And laying a finger aside of his nose, he -- well, he shoots a snot rocket straight at your face.

You spin away to dodge the incoming mucus missile, and when you look back, Uncle Crimbo has vanished, leaving behind only the faint aroma of body odor and peppermint. Oh, and some stuff:

Crimbotin.gifYou acquire an item: Uncle Crimbo's Rations (100% chance)*
Chococigar.gifYou acquire some chocolate cigars
Giftbagpants.gifAn item drops: Uncle Hobo's gift baggy pants
(This item goes to your clan's basement, and may be distributed to anyone who participated in this Clan Dungeon.)
Epicbeard.gifAn item drops: Uncle Hobo's epic beard
(This item goes to your clan's basement, and may be distributed to anyone who participated in this Clan Dungeon.)
Stockinghat.gifAn item drops: Uncle Hobo's stocking cap
(This item goes to your clan's basement, and may be distributed to anyone who participated in this Clan Dungeon.)
Tinselglove.gifAn item drops: Uncle Hobo's fingerless tinsel gloves (30% chance)*
(This item goes to your clan's basement, and may be distributed to anyone who participated in this Clan Dungeon.)
Highestbough.gifAn item drops: Uncle Hobo's highest bough (30% chance)*
(This item goes to your clan's basement, and may be distributed to anyone who participated in this Clan Dungeon.)
Crimbobelt.gifAn item drops: Uncle Hobo's belt (30% chance)*
(This item goes to your clan's basement, and may be distributed to anyone who participated in this Clan Dungeon.)
You acquire a clan trophy:Dill.gifUncle Hobo's whiskers
OR, if Uncle Hobo is killed with a single attack:
You acquire a clan trophy:Litcigar.gifUncle Hobo's Cigar

Occurs at Elf Alley.

Notes

You burst into the house, itching for a fight, but you don't find one. Looks like Uncle Hobo's off taking care of some other business.

This makes you sad, but what makes you happier is the fact that he left some goodies behind!

- The standard loot drops, but straight to inventory, and is not distributable!

References