Uncle Crimbo (2010)

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Uncle Crimbo
Monster ID unknown
Locations Mr. Mination's Office: A Show-ho-ho-down
Hit Points 250
Attack 50
Defense 50
No-Hit
Initiative 100
Meat None
Phylum Indeterminate
Elements None
Resistance Soft damage cap: 50
Monster Parts Indeterminate
Drops
coal paperweight
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Uncle Crimbo You're fighting Uncle Crimbo

"Hey, Uncle Crimbo!" you shout. "Here's hoping you're as bad at fighting as you are at running a holiday!"

"Watch your mouth, kid," Uncle Crimbo snaps back, as he tries to keep Mr. Mination's tentacle arm from strangling him. "Anyway, I seem to remember you, or someone like you, choosing me over my cyborg brother a few Crimbos ago."

"That wasn't a choice! That was a narrative device! I can't wait to finally take you out for good!" you shout. You grab a box of paperclips and hurl it at Uncle Crimbo, but he deftly dodges them.

"All right, junior, if you think tall, slimy, and ugly can run Crimbo better than I can, I'll have to beat some Crimbo cheer into both of you!"

Hit Message(s):

Mr. Mination swings his tentacle arm at Uncle Crimbo and hits you instead. Ugh! Ow! Ow!

Mr. Mination snaps at Uncle Crimbo with his claw arm, but pinches you instead. "Stop helping me help you!" you shout. Ooh! Argh! Ooh!

You better not shout, and you better not cry, and that's going to be hard because Uncle C. just slapped you across the face. Eek! Ugh! Eek!

Uncle Crimbo's belly shakes with rage like a bowl full of jelly. It's pretty gross. Ow! Oof! Ugh! (sleaze damage)

One of the hobo elves shouts, "Yippee ki yay, and smother truckers!" and fires a machine gun at you. Ho, ho, ho. Ouch! Ow! Ugh!

Uncle Crimbo stuffs your stocking. It's surprisingly painful. Ooh! Eek! Ooh!

Critical Hit Message:

He uses the Crimbo magic that enables him to visit every adventurer all in one night to beat the crap out of you from all sides at once. Ouch! Argh! Oof!

Miss Message(s):

Uncle Crimbo tries to stuff your stocking, but Mr. Mination smacks him with his tentacle arm.

Uncle Crimbo throws a pair of scissors at you, but Mr. Mination bats them away with his claw arm.

An elfployee trips Uncle Crimbo before he can hit you.

An elfployee trips Uncle Crimbo up with a paperclip-chain tripwire.

He grumbles and brushes you out of the way instead of hitting you.

Uncle Crimbo tries to suckerpunch you, but has had too many suckers and gets winded before he can connect.

Fumble Message:

He has to stop to double-check the naughty and nice lists, as well as maintaining the giant tome of "mostly okay, but kind of a jerk" names. (FUMBLE!)


After Combat

Uncle Crimbo sinks to his knees, bruised and battered. "So that's it?" he says, breathing raggedly. "No more Crimbo magic? No one's going to wear the Crimbo hat ever again? I thought for sure the hat's magic would come through for me. . ."

"Pah," Mr. Mination says, making a rude gesture with his tentacle arm. "There's no such thing as magic in that old silk hat you found. In fact, if you want it, keep it."

"Um, excuse me," you say, raising your hand, "but I don't think that's such a great idea."

"Shut up!" Mr. Mination says. "Crimbo has become Holiday, and Holiday does not need a red hat with fur trim. In fact, red is offensive to the color-blind, and fur is offensive to naked mole rats!" Mr. Mination rummages in his desk, grabs the hat, and rams it down on Uncle Crimbo's head. "See?"

"Ho?" Uncle Crimbo starts to rise from his knees, seeming to grow taller by the minute, his face beginning to glow. "Ho." He stands up, grazing the ceiling, towering over Mr. Mination. "HO!"

"Aw. . . no, freakin' way!" you and Mr. Mination say, at the same time. Uncle Crimbo sticks out his pointer finger and lays it aside of one of Mr. Mination's noses.

"HAPPY CRIMBO!" he booms. There's a flash of light, and where Mr. Mination was standing are a half-dozen very confused elves.

"What happened?" one of them whispers. "Last thing I remember, we were making toys in an unshielded atomic factory."

"Uh, that was . . . a dream!" Uncle Crimbo says, blushing. Then he turns to glare at you. "Thanks for nothing, kid," he says, "and to all a good night." He tosses you a small gift, flips you the bird, and flies straight up through the ceiling of the CRIMBCO building.

Inside the box is a present and this note:

"CRIMBCO is undergoing a period of right-sizing -- aw, screw it. You're fired, kid. Everyone's fired. Finish up whatever work you were doing and get out. Love, Uncle C."

Coalweight.gifYou acquire an item: coal paperweight (100% chance)*

Notes

  • For a short time immediately after rollover, this monster (and Mr. Mination) could be photocopied or copied via other means (such as the Spooky Putty sheet) and fought again. If you ran away from this battle after obtaining a copy, you could fight these monsters multiple times and receive multiple drops.

References

  • Magic "in that old silk hat" is what brought Frosty the Snowman to life in the song and subsequent TV special.