Two-handed weapons

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Two-handed weapons require two hands, which means Off-hand Items and Double-Fisted Skull Smashing cannot be used at the same time. Despite the name, three-handed weapons are treated exactly like two-handed weapons; the term is often applied to overcomplicated weapons, such as the ridiculously overelaborate ninja weapon and the ridiculously huge sword.

Name Damage Req Weapon
Type
Notes
Great Wolf's rocket launcher 30-60 100 Moxie 2-handed bazooka
Unkillable Skeleton's restless leg 30-60 100 Muscle 2-handed staff
Unkillable Skeleton's sawsword 30-60 100 Muscle 2-handed sword
bag of unfinished business 23-45 200 Moxie 2-handed doggie bag
Bigger Bugfinder Blade 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed sword
  • All Attributes +11
  • Awarded to people who find major bugs or a lot of bugs
bindlestocking 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed polearm
Bloodbath 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed sword
  • So-So Resistance to All Elements (+2)
  • Regenerate 25-30 HP and MP per adventure
Chester's bag of candy 20-40 200 Moxie 2-handed ranged weapon
Coily™ 20-40 200 Moxie 2-handed spring
cozy bazooka 20-40 85 Moxie 2-handed bazooka
  • Moxie +15%
  • +20% Meat from Monsters
  • Makes you a much better diver
cozy scimitar 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed sword
decaying wooden oar 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed club  
El Vibrato energy spear 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed spear
FDKOL fire hose 20-40 85 Moxie 2-handed hose +200 Cold Damage
fetus-smashing club 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed club A custom item given to Bashy
fire axe 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed axe +200 Cold Damage
fish bazooka 20-40 85 Moxie 2-handed bazooka
fish stick 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed staff
flamin' bindle 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed polearm
freezin' bindle 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed polearm
Frosty's nailbat 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed club
giant fishhook 20-40 85 Moxie 2-handed spear  
giant shrimp fork 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed staff
  • Mysticality +20%
  • +10% Chance of Spell Critical Hit
  • Maximum MP +100
giant turkey leg 20-40 200 Muscle 3-handed club
Ginsu™ 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed sword
halibut 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed fish
Meatcleaver 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed sword
Mer-kin digpick 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed axe
Mer-kin dodgeball 20-40 85 Moxie 2-handed dodgeball
Mer-kin dragnet 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed dragnet
Mer-kin switchblade 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed switchblade
miniature deck cannon 20-40 85 Moxie 2-handed handcannon
non-stick pugil stick 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed club
Ol' Scratch's infernal pitchfork 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed polearm
PVC staff 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed staff
rusty staff 20-40 85 Mysticality 2-handed staff
Seeger's Unstoppable Banjo 20-40 60 Moxie 2-handed banjo
skate board 20-40 85 Muscle 2-handed club
sleazy bindle 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed polearm
slime-covered shovel 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed polearm
slime-covered staff 20-40 200 Mysticality 2-handed staff
spooky bindle 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed polearm
stinkin' bindle 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed polearm
Sword of Procedural Generation 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed sword
  • Varies player to player
The Trickster's Trikitixa 20-40 60 Moxie 2-handed accordion
triple barreled barrel gun 20-40 85 Moxie 3-handed shotgun
  • Weapon Damage +100%
  • +10% Chance of Critical Hit
  • +25% Meat from Monsters
Underworld flail 20-40 150 Moxie 2-handed flail
Underworld truncheon 20-40 150 Muscle 2-handed club
villainous scythe 20-40 150 Muscle 2-handed polearm
Zim Merman's guitar 20-40 85 Moxie 2-handed guitar Ranged Damage +20
Zombo's shoulder blade 20-40 200 Muscle 2-handed sword
beer-a-pult 19-38 80 Moxie 3-handed catapult
cast-iron legacy paddle 19-38 80 Muscle 2-handed club
fire poi 19-38 80 Moxie 2-handed flail
giant driftwood sculpture 19-38 80 Muscle 2-handed flail
massive sitar 19-38 80 Moxie 2-handed sitar
alarm accordion 18-36 75 Moxie 2-handed accordion
Bugfinder Blade 18-36 75 Muscle 2-handed sword
  • All Attributes +7
  • Awarded to people who find a few bugs
didgeridooka 18-36 75 Moxie 2-handed heavy blowgun Moxie +9
perforated battle paddle 18-35 72 Muscle 2-handed club Weapon Damage +10
plexiglass pikestaff 18-36 75 Muscle 2-handed club
charming flute 17-34 70 Moxie 2-handed flute
denim axe 17-34 70 Muscle 2-handed axe
Drowsy Sword 17-34 66 Muscle 2-handed sword
peace accordion 17-34 70 Moxie 2-handed accordion
star crossbow 17-33 67 Moxie 2-handed crossbow Moxie +8
star staff 17-33 67 Muscle 2-handed staff Mysticality +8
star sword 17-33 67 Muscle 2-handed sword Muscle +8
accordionoid rocca 16-32 65 Moxie 2-handed accordion
  • Damage Reduction: 10 (First Hit Only)
  • Enables casting of 18-turn Accordion Thief buffs
  • Bonus for ATs only
arse-shooting crossbow 16-32 65 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
coal shovel 16-32 65 Muscle 2-handed polearm
creepy-ass club 16-32 65 Muscle 2-handed club
cyber-mattock 16-32 65 Muscle 2-handed axe
evil-ass club 16-32 65 Muscle 2-handed club
frigid-ass club 16-32 65 Muscle 2-handed club
giant discarded plastic fork 16-31 62 Muscle 3-handed staff
heavy metal thunderrr guitarrr 16-32 65 Moxie 2-handed axe Weapon Damage +16
hot-ass club 16-32 65 Muscle 2-handed club
jungle drum 16-32 65 Moxie 2-handed drum
magilaser blastercannon 16-31 62 Moxie 2-handed laser cannon
nasty-ass club 16-32 65 Muscle 2-handed club
pewter claymore 16-31 62 Muscle 2-handed sword Regenerate 6-12 HP and MP per adventure
tommy gun 16-32 65 Moxie 2-handed rifle
a butt tuba 15-29 57 Moxie 2-handed horn +15 Sleaze Damage
automatic catapult 15-30 60 Moxie 2-handed autopult  
backwoods banjo 15-30 50 Moxie 2-handed banjo
bill bec-de-bardiche glaive-guisarme 15-30 60 Muscle 2-handed polearm?  
bugbear-smiting sword 15-30 60 Muscle 2-handed sword
C.B.F.G. 15-30 60 Moxie 2-handed rifle
double barreled barrel gun 15-30 60 Moxie 2-handed shotgun
drywall axe 15-30 60 Muscle 2-handed axe
  • All Attributes +2
  • All Attributes +3%
giant needle 15-30 60 Muscle 2-handed spear Monster Level +5
mercenary rifle 15-30 30 Moxie 2-handed rifle
  • Ranged Damage +20
  • Combat Initiative +50%
  • Allows the Use of Specialty Ammunition
Radio Free Foil 15-30 60 Muscle 2-handed sword
toxic mop 15-30 50 Muscle 2-handed polearm
acoustic guitarrr 14-28 55 Moxie 2-handed guitar +8% Meat from Monsters
armgun 14-28 55 Moxie 2-handed machine gun
black kettle drum 14-28 55 Moxie 2-handed drum
carob cannon 14-27 45 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
ghost accordion 14-28 55 Moxie 2-handed accordion
  • +5 Spooky Damage
  • +15% Booze Drops from Monsters
  • Enables casting of 16-turn Accordion Thief buffs
  • Bonus for ATs only
hairy staff 14-27 45 Muscle 2-handed staff
ram-battering staff 14-27 52 Muscle 2-handed staff
ridiculously huge sword 14-28 55 Muscle 3-handed sword
Spirit Precipice 14-27 45 Muscle 2-handed sword
autocalliope 13-26 50 Moxie 2-handed accordion
bad-ass club 13-26 50 Muscle 2-handed club
ga-ga radio 13-25 47 Moxie 2-handed radio
Grimacite glaive 13-25 47 Muscle 2-handed polearm
hand-carved bow 13-26 30 Moxie 2-handed bow
hand-carved staff 13-26 30 Muscle 2-handed staff
hot cross bow 13-26 45 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
lucky ball-and-chain 13-26 50 Moxie 2-handed flail  
meatspout staff 13-25 45 Muscle 2-handed staff
projectile icemaker 13-25 45 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
shuddersword 13-25 45 Muscle 2-handed sword
smoldering staff 13-25 45 Muscle 2-handed staff
staph of homophones 13-26 45 Muscle 2-handed staff
sword behind inappropriate prepositions 13-26 45 Muscle 2-handed sword
asbestos sword 12-24 45 Muscle 2-handed sword
bone and arrows 12-24 45 Moxie 2-handed bow +30 Damage vs. Skeletons
buffalo blade 12-24 45 Muscle 2-handed sword
chrome crossbow 12-24 45 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
giant cheesestick 12-24 45 Muscle 2-handed staff
lawnmower blade 12-24 45 Muscle 2-handed sword Weapon Damage +15
linoleum staff 12-24 45 Muscle 2-handed staff
non-Euclidean non-accordion 12-23 42 Moxie 2-handed accordion
ocarina of space 12-24 45 Moxie 2-handed flute
ram stick 12-23 42 Muscle 2-handed staff Moxie +5
two-handed depthsword 12-24 45 Muscle 2-handed sword  
Accordion of Jordion 11-21 37 Moxie 2-handed accordion
asbestos crossbow 11-22 40 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
bone flute 11-22 40 Moxie 2-handed flute +11 Spooky Damage
chrome staff 11-22 40 Muscle 2-handed staff
linoleum sword 11-22 40 Muscle 2-handed sword
sack of doorknobs 11-22 40 Moxie 2-handed sack  
asbestos staff 10-20 35 Muscle 2-handed staff
big stirring stick 10-20 35 Muscle 2-handed staff
bounty-hunting rifle 10-20 25 Moxie 2-handed rifle
bow staff 10-20 35 Muscle 2-handed staff
chrome sword 10-20 35 Muscle 2-handed sword
Crimbo sword 10-20 35 Muscle 2-handed sword
Crimbomination Contraption 10-20 None 2-handed club  
depleted Grimacite hammer 10-20 35 Muscle 2-handed club
giant candy cane 10-20 None 2-handed staff
goulauncher 10-20 35 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
The Landscaper's leafblower 10-20 35 Moxie 2-handed leafblower +1-25 Monster Level based on number of combats with leafblower equipped
linoleum crossbow 10-20 35 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
Loathing Legion chainsaw 10-20 None 2-handed chainsaw
Loathing Legion flamethrower 10-20 None 2-handed flamethrower
Moonthril Flamberge 10-20 40 Muscle 2-handed sword
Moonthril Longbow 10-20 40 Moxie 2-handed bow
plastic nunchaku 10-20 10 Muscle 2-handed flail
Rain-Doh violet bo 10-20 None 2-handed staff
  • +11 Sleaze Damage
  • Moxie +11
plastic guitar 10-20 35 Moxie 2-handed guitar
ridiculously overelaborate ninja weapon 10-20 35 Muscle 3-handed ...weapon
Shakespeare's Sister's Accordion 10-20 None 2-handed accordion
snow shovel 10-20 None 2-handed polearm
soylent staff 10-20 35 Muscle 2-handed staff
Staff of Fats 10-20 35 Mysticality 2-handed staff
  • +5 Pool Skill
Staff of Fats (Actually Ed the Undying) 10-20 35 Mysticality 2-handed staff
  • +5 Pool Skill
sugar shillelagh 10-20 None 2-handed club
Super Crimboman Ultra Mega Hypersword 10-20 35 Muscle 2-handed sword Prismatic Damage +5
tin drum 10-20 None 2-handed drum
Trusty 10-20 None 2-handed axe
  • Quest item in AoB run
foot-long hot daub 9-17 27 Muscle 2-handed club
icy-hot katana 9-18 30 Muscle 2-handed sword
ninja mop 9-18 30 Muscle 2-handed polearm Weapon Damage +5
pentatonic accordion 9-18 30 Moxie 2-handed accordion
Shagadelic Disco Banjo 9-18 15 Moxie 2-handed banjo
Squeezebox of the Ages 9-18 15 Moxie 2-handed accordion
4-dimensional guitar 8-16 50 Moxie 2-handed guitar
7-Foot Dwarven mattock 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed axe
boilgun 8-16 25 Moxie 2-handed rifle
bone bandoneon 8-16 25 Moxie 2-handed accordion
bubble bauble bow 8-16 25 Moxie 2-handed bow
can cannon 8-15 22 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
clockwork staff 8-16 25 Mysticality 2-handed staff
clockwork sword 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed sword
Crimbo ukulele 8-16 20 Moxie 2-handed guitar +10% Items from Monsters
crowbarrr 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed staff Combat Initiative +15%
elephant stinger 8-15 22 Muscle 2-handed spear
flypaper staff 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed staff
frigid hankyū 8-16 25 Moxie 2-handed bow
frozen nunchaku 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed flail
giant spider leg 8-15 22 Muscle 2-handed club
goblin autoblowgun 8-16 25 Moxie 2-handed blowgun
goblin hunting spear 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed spear
rib of the Bonerdagon 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed staff
rusty grave robbing shovel 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed polearm
savory crossbow 8-16 25 Moxie 2-handed crossbow Moxie +4
savory staff 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed staff Mysticality +4
squeaky staff 8-15 22 Muscle 2-handed staff
wholeberd 8-16 25 Muscle 2-handed polearm Weapon Damage +6
wiffle-flail 8-15 22 Muscle 2-handed flail
25-meat staff 7-14 20 Muscle 2-handed staff  
flamingo mallet 7-14 20 Muscle 2-handed club
Kentucky-fried meat crossbow 7-14 20 Moxie 2-handed crossbow Moxie +5
Kentucky-fried meat staff 7-14 20 Muscle 2-handed staff Mysticality +5
Kentucky-fried meat sword 7-14 20 Muscle 2-handed sword Muscle +5
repeating crossbow 7-13 17 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
Totally Gay Claymore 7-14 19 Muscle 2-handed sword A custom item given to PhilANThropiSt
accordion file 6-12 15 Moxie 2-handed accordion
BRICKO sword 6-12 None 2-handed club
bubblewrap crossbow 6-12 15 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
bubblewrap staff 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed staff
cardboard crossbow 6-12 15 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
cardboard staff 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed staff
dense meat crossbow 6-12 15 Moxie 2-handed crossbow Moxie +3
dense meat staff 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed staff Mysticality +3
dense meat sword 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed sword Muscle +3
eXtreme meat crossbow 6-12 15 Moxie 2-handed crossbow Moxie +7
eXtreme meat staff 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed staff Mysticality +7
eXtreme meat sword 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed sword Muscle +7
glistening staff 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed staff
Gnollish autoplunger 6-12 15 Muscle 3-handed spear Mysticality +3
infernal fife 6-11 12 Moxie 2-handed flute +7 Hot Damage
Knob Goblin elite polearm 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed polearm
pair of bolt cutters 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed club Delevels on hit
poutine pole 6-11 12 Muscle 2-handed staff
slightly peevedbow 6-12 15 Moxie 2-handed bow  
styrofoam crossbow 6-12 15 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
styrofoam staff 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed staff
wooden axe 6-12 15 Muscle 2-handed axe Muscle +3
astral bludgeon 5-10 None 2-handed club
astral longbow 5-10 None 2-handed bow
Ax of L'rose 5-10 None 2-handed axe  
bal-musette accordion 5-10 None 2-handed accordion
Cajun accordion 5-10 None 2-handed accordion
deathchucks 5-10 10 Muscle 2-handed flail
Disco Banjo 5-10 10 Moxie 2-handed banjo
dripping meat crossbow 5-10 10 Moxie 2-handed crossbow Moxie +2
dripping meat staff 5-10 10 Muscle 2-handed staff Mysticality +2
gift-a-pult 5-10 None 2-handed giftapult Allows hurling of Gift Items
guancertina 5-10 10 Moxie 2-handed accordion
high-energy mining laser 5-10 None 2-handed rifle
high-temperature mining drill 5-10 None 2-handed drill
  • Allows Mining in the Velvet / Gold Mine
inflatable baseball bat 5-10 None 2-handed club Weapon Damage +30
office-supply crossbow 5-10 10 Moxie 2-handed crossbow
quirky accordion 5-10 None 2-handed accordion
Red Rover BB gun 5-10 10 Moxie 2-handed gun
Rock and Roll Legend 5-10 10 Moxie 2-handed accordion
Skipper's accordion 5-10 10 Moxie 2-handed accordion
warbear exhaust manifold 5-10 None 2-handed accordion
worm-riding hooks 5-10 None 2-handed club  
big bass drum 4-7 2 Moxie 2-handed drum
calavera concertina 4-8 5 Moxie 2-handed accordion
dueling banjo 4-8 5 Moxie 2-handed banjo
half-sized guitar 4-8 5 Moxie 2-handed guitar
mama's squeezebox 4-8 5 Moxie 2-handed accordion
pocket theremin 4-7 2 Moxie 2-handed theremin +4 Spooky Damage
pool cue 4-8 None 2-handed staff Moxie +3
rubber axe 4-8 5 Muscle 2-handed axe +2 Sleaze Damage
spooky staff 4-7 2 Muscle 2-handed staff
starchy staff 4-8 5 Muscle 2-handed staff Mysticality +3
weighted paperclip chain 4-8 None 2-handed flail Weapon Damage +12
amok putter 3-6 None 2-handed club
  • +9 Hot Damage
  • +9 Cold Damage
  • Combat Initiative +18%
baritone accordion 3-6 None 2-handed accordion
Barney's rake 3-5 None 2-handed polearm
beer-soaked mop 3-6 None 2-handed polearm +3 Sleaze Damage
grave robbing shovel 3-6 None 2-handed polearm
out-of-tune biwa 3-6 None 2-handed guitar Ranged Damage +2
spooky stick 3-6 None 2-handed staff +2 Spooky Damage
stone banjo 3-5 None 2-handed banjo Moxie +1
third-hand nunchaku 3-6 7 Muscle 2-handed flail Weapon Damage +3
wooden stakes 3-5 None 2-handed spear Weapon Damage +1
basic meat crossbow 2-4 5 Moxie 2-handed crossbow Moxie +1
basic meat staff 2-4 5 Muscle 2-handed staff Mysticality +1
basic meat sword 2-4 5 Muscle 2-handed sword Muscle +1
beer-battered accordion 2-4 None 2-handed accordion
  • +2 Sleaze Damage
  • (Bonus for Accordion Thieves only)
slingshot 2-4 None 2-handed slingshot  
soup-chucks 2-3 None 2-handed flail +2 Hot Damage
antique accordion 1-2 None 2-handed accordion
archaeologing shovel 1-2 None 2-handed polearm Allowed digging at Bigg's Dig
big stick 1-2 None 2-handed staff  
KoL Con Cinco Piñata Bat 1-2 None 2-handed club
stolen accordion 1-2 None 2-handed accordion
toy accordion 1-2 None 2-handed accordion Enables the casting of 5-turn AT buffs (all classes)
trash net 1-2 None 2-handed polearm
  • Quest item
Tales of the Word Realms 0-0 None 2-handed book Lends Power to Your Words
gnollish nunchaku N/A None 2-handed flail No longer available in game
Equipment Lists
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Weapons (Melee | Mysticality | Ranged | One-Handed | Two-handed / Three-handed)