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|That's No Bone Moon...
Corman's massive bone-based battle station hangs silently above the ruined expanse of Valhalla.
You swing <yetiname> toward the rear of the gigantic (and presumably fully-operational) battle station, intent on hitting it in its weak point for massive damage. Spotting a trench leading to some sort of exhaust port, you dive in for the attack, and find yourself surrounded by yeti-riding skeleton soldiers that swoop out of the structure in a defensive formation.
Facing overwhelming odds, you prepare to pull out, but a stream of hot taco sauce shoots out from behind you and to the left, taking out one of the skeletons. You turn around, and see a team of yeti-piloting adventurers swooping in to back you up.
"Look at the size of that thing!" shouts one of them.
"Cut the chatter, Red Two. Accelerate to attack speed!" shouts another in response.
"Am I Red Two? I thought I was Gold Three!"
"I'm pretty sure I'm Gold Three," says another pilot, as he takes out several skeletons with a salvo of bottle-rockets from his crossbow.
Leaving them to sort it amongst themselves, you weave through the broken and disarrayed enemy line and dive into the trench.
- without any photoprotoneutron torpedoes
Walls of bone streak past on either side of you as you cruise toward the exhaust port. With every ounce of your concentration, you focus on the target, and prepare to hit it with every torpedo you... can... uh...
Hmm. You probably should have brought some torpedoes with you.
Cursing your ill-preparedness, you fly back out of the trench.
Walls of bone streak past on either side of you as you cruise toward the exhaust port. You squint at the target, which seems to be no bigger than the rats you used to kill in the tavern basement back home.
"Use the Force, <playername>!" an eerie voice whispers into your ear.
"What? Who the heck is that?"
"It's me! <Dandy-findel Zimmerman>! Your mentor and ghostly spiritual guide!"
"Never heard of you."
"Look, just dump some torpedoes into that hole, okay?"
- with one photoprotoneutron torpedo
You lob a single torpedo at the exhaust port, and against all odds it goes directly in. As you swoop upwards and out of the trench, you hear a muffled explosion inside the Bonestar, and cheer at the thought of how much damage you caused. Probably enough to kill a single entire skeleton!
It occurs to you that maybe you should bring more torpedoes next time, but still, it was a pretty sweet throw.
- with 2-19 photoprotoneutron torpedoes
You chuck an armload of photoprotoneutron torpedoes at the little exhaust port. Most of them hit the rim and explode harmlessly, but one of them does go in, and you hear the muffled thump of the explosion as you fly out of the trench.
- with 20-39 photoprotoneutron torpedoes
As your yeti swoops past the exhaust port, you empty a large sack of photoprotoneutron torpedoes into it. Most of them scatter and burst randomly on the surface of the Bonestar, but a fair handful of them make it in.
You fly back out of the trench, cheering as the light of several explosions shines through bony gaps in the hull of the battle station.
- with 40-59 photoprotoneutron torpedoes
Your yeti swings in low past the exhaust port as you dump out a crate full of photoprotoneutron torpedoes. Most of them explode harmlessly on the rim of the port, but at least a dozen or so make it in.
As you fly out of the trench, the Bonestar shudders from the force of the internal explosions. A window shatters, and a burning skeleton tumbles out with an oddly familiar-sounding scream. Well done, soldier!
- with 60-79 photoprotoneutron torpedoes
You swoop in toward the exhaust port, and open the huge trunk strapped to the back of your yeti. Photoprotoneutron torpedoes pour out of it, filling the end of the trench with fiery explosions.
As you fly away from the Bonestar, you can hear the inner structure being rocked by further explosions from the torpedoes that made it down the tube. Several exterior panels blow off of the surface in gouts of flame, exposing the skeletons within to the vacuum of spa... wait.
Oh well, excellent work all the same, soldier!
- with 80-100 and more photoprotoneutron torpedoes
Your yeti flies down low toward the exhaust port as you begin to empty the masses of photoprotoneutron torpedo-filled crates you have strapped all over your mount. As torpedoes rain down into the trench, the yeti swoops upward and away from the Bonestar, simply from the huge change in weight.
None too soon, either, as just as you reach a minimum safe distance (dot org), a gigantic explosion rocks the battle station, rupturing a gigantic hole in its side and spraying skeletons into the air, to fall screaming into the abyss. Many of them are on fire. It's pretty awesome.
Congratulations, soldier! This'll be a fine feather in your cap!
|You lose X photoprotoneutron torpedoes.
|| You defeated 1.35-1.65 X skeleton(s)
| Fly into the unfinished bone structure
You jet toward the giant bone battle-station astride Snachard, looking for a breach in its defenses that you might be able to fly inside and do some real damage. A squadron of mounted skeleton warriors swoop in in a defensive formation, but they're met by a rag-tag crew of other yeti-mounted adventurers.
"Stabilize your rear deflectors!" shouts one. "Watch for enemy fighters!"
"They're coming in!" shouts another. "Three marks at two-ten!"
"So... thirty-six of them? Or six hundred and thirty?" replies the first. "I don't know what that means!"
"Stay on target!" shouts a third adventurer.
"It doesn't look like there are six hundred and thirty of them. I mean, there's a lot, but..."
"Stay on target!"
Taking advantage of the chaos and the holes that the other adventurers have broken in the enemy's formation, you swoop through a ragged gap in the bones and find yourself inside the hull of the Bonestar.
The inside, it turns out, is just as heavily-defended as the outside -- perhaps moreso. I guess that's not really surprising, since inside is where all the skeletons are.
Your maneuverability suffers amongst the bony girders, stanchions, and other architectural rigmarole inside the Bonestar, and you only manage to do a little superficial damage to the structure before the crossbow-wielding skeletons drive you out.
|| You defeated 18-? skeletons
Your quick reaction speed allows you to guide your yeti through the tangled mass of bony girders, though mounted guards chase you back out before you get to the core. You do, however, manage to smash enough of the structural elements to send several of the skeleton guards plummeting to their deaths.
|| You defeated ?-44-51-? skeletons
Ducking and weaving, you guide your yeti through the Bonestar's inner pipes and girders, smashing bones and generally wreaking havoc as you nimbly dodge the arrows of the skeleton guards. You manage to get about halfway to the core before the architecture becomes too tangled for you to navigate, so you satisfy yourself with blasting some skeletons on your way back outside.
|| You defeated ?-69-112 skeletons
You nimbly twist, weave, and zig-zag your way through the bony support structures that make up the inside of the Bonestar, cutting through pipes and wires and other important-looking bits as you go. You manage to get about three-quarters of the way to the central core before the scenery gets too complicated to maneuver through, so you make your way back outside, satisfied with the numerous skeletons destroyed by your monkeywrenching.
|| You defeated 113-132-? skeletons
You swoop through the interior structure of the Bonestar, zigging and zagging and ducking and weaving like a greased hummingbird as you maneuver your yeti through the intricate maze of bony girders and protrusions. You nearly make it all the way to the battle station's central reactor core, but a mass of crossbow-wielding skeletons have been stationed in all the approaches, and they manage to drive you back. As you leave, though, you take some satisfaction in cutting through support pillars and structural elements, causing a bunch of skeletons to fall to their deaths.
|| You defeated 140-150? skeletons
You effortlessly guide your winged yeti through the maze of bone girders and stanchions the form the interior structure of the Bonestar, dodging the arrows of skeleton guards on your way. Slipping through tighter and tighter passages, you eventually make your way to the reactor core, smashing your way through the final defensive line of archers with a terrific burst of speed.
"All right, Wedge, go for the power regulator on the north tower!" you shout, and then realize that none of the other adventurers managed to follow you this deep into the interior of the battle station, and anyway you don't think any of them were named 'Wedge'. Where the heck did that come from?
Without further ado, you blow up the reactor core and surf the massive fireball back to the sky outside, incinerating countless skeleton soldiers in the process. Well, countless skeleton soldiers, and one skeleton janitor, but he knew what he was signing up for when he took the job. Also they're not actually countless, because you'll be given a total of exactly how many you killed. But still.
It turns out the Bonestar has multiple reactor cores, firewalls, and other redundant systems, to keep a single meltdown from destroying the entire station, so the results aren't as spectacular as you'd perhaps hoped. Still, it was quite an impressive amount of damage you caused! Well done, soldier!
|| You defeated ?-170-211-? skeletons
You stealthily slip around to the rear of the battle station without being spotted, and land in one of the docking bays with your most nonchalant expression on. As you dismount, a servile-looking skeleton approaches you.
"Excuse me, are you here as a diplomatic envoy?" it asks you.
"Diplomatic envoy? Oh sure," you reply. "And when we're finished with that, how about a Senate subcommittee hearing about, oh I don't know, Trade Federation regulation disputes and treaty negotiations maybe? That sounds like an incredibly thrilling sequence to include in this exciting fantasy tale of action and adventure!"
"No! Idiot!" you shout as you smash the skeleton to bits. "I'm here to wreck things and blow stuff up! Diplomatic envoy, are you friggin' kidding me?"
You turn and point a finger at another servant skeleton, who's backing away with a dismayed look on his... skull. "You!" you roar at him. "Bring me some dudes to kill! As many as you got!"
"Y-Yessir!" it whimpers, and scampers away.
With a clatter of bones and crossbows (some of the crossbows are also made of bones), a squad of skeleton soldiers run into the docking bay and starts firing at you. Fortunately, they're the worst shots you've ever seen -- in fact, as one of their bolts goes impossibly wide, you begin to wonder if they're even shooting at you at all, or if maybe they've sensed an invisible enemy about fifteen feet to your left.
You slaughter all of them with very little effort, and fly away a little dissatisfied. With the amount of fuss you'd made, you would have hoped more skeletons would show up for you to kill.
|| You defeated 18-20 skeletons
A platoon of skeleton soldiers bursts into the hangar, firing their crossbows wildly -- they're terrible shots, but there's enough of them that they nearly make up for it with volume.
Fortunately, you find a cable to swing from and several catwalks you can run around on and jump across, so you manage to destroy all of them without much trouble. Seems like they weren't taking you very seriously as a threat, if they thought that's all that would be needed to take you down.
|| You defeated 21-70 skeletons
After a short wait, a company of skeleton troops charge angrily into the docking bay and fill the air with crossbow bolts. It would be pretty bad news, if you happened to be standing near where they were firing. Fortunately, you're on the other side of the hangar, where you have all the ropes and levers that activate the various log-based traps that you set up while you were waiting.
The log is, of course, the natural enemy of the faceless henchman, and the skeletons are quickly destroyed by logs of both the rolling and swinging varieties.
|| You defeated 71-<99 skeletons
An entire battalion of skeleton soldiers burst into the docking bay, firing their crossbows wildly. (The ones in the back of the crowd, carried away by the excitement but not wanting to shoot their comrades, are firing into the ceiling instead.)
Fortunately -- for you, less so for them -- the hangar door is right next to a large power generator for some reason. You hurl a thermal detonator at it, and the resulting explosion wipes out all of the skeletons. You don't actually witness this, because you're slowly walking away from the explosion with your sunglasses on.
|| You defeated ?-99-138-? skeletons
A full regiment of skeleton soldiers charges into the docking bay (well, most of them -- the crowd ends up backed up into the hall). The look around angrily, trying to find you, but you're hiding in a nearby single-person boneglider, wearing a hilariously oversized helmet.
With no concept of what you're doing, but with the knowledge that competence is not necessarily a prerequisite for being a big hero, you start hitting buttons on the console at random. One of them turns out to activate the glider's magilaser blasters, which tear through the skeleton soldiers, as well as a nearby power generator. The generator explodes, taking out most of the remaining skeletons and the magical gizmo that gives the skeletons their ability to move around and fight (despite the fact that every other skeleton you've ever encountered was fully autonomous and didn't require external power, but whatever).
As you fly away from the Bonestar, you squeal "Wheeeee!" with excitement and delight, and immediately feel overwhelming shame and the need to punch yourself really hard in the gonads.
|| You defeated ?-152-156-? skeletons
Occurs at The Skies over Valhalla.
- Do a trench run: about 150% of photoprotoneutron torpedoes in inventory (capped at 100) (consumed). It varies up to 15% (so a max of 165 at 100 torpedoes).
- Fly into the unfinished bone structure: 15% of total bonus Combat Initiative (so 100% bonus initiative is 15 kills). Varies by up to 2 kills either way. 18-22 minimum.
- Land in a docking bay: 30% of bonus Monster Level. Varies by up to 2 kills either way. 18-22 minimum.
- The mentor name is randomized per adventure.
- Messages are based off base kills, before kill modifiers.
- The Bone Star is, of course, a reference to the Death Star superweapons from the Star Wars series. The first 2 choices were the avenues of attack that destroyed them in the movies.
- The introduction and final section of the "Land in docking bay" option are a sarcastic rendition of events in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
- The third section, however, refers to the rather primitive tactics of the Ewoks in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.
- The third option and the skeletons' inaccuracy refers to the Stormtrooper Effect.
- The oddly familiar-sounding scream is the Wilhelm Scream.
- Minimumsafedistance.org is Riff's blog.
- The skeleton janitor who knew what it was signing up for when he took the job is a reference to a scene in Clerks. This also could reference Robot Chicken Star Wars in which there is a janitor who applies to work in various Star War's locations. His final job is on the first Death Star which explodes.