The Battlefield

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Not to be confused with A Battlefield (a.k.a. The Cola Wars Battlefield).

The Battlefield (Mysterious Island)
The Battlefield (Mysterious Island)
Zone Num 132 (frat) or 140 (hippy)
Location The Mysterious Island of Mystery (Wartime)
Unlocks Choice in the Fratacombs or Blockin' Out the Scenery adventures
Recom Stat 180
Combat % 100.00
ML
Terrain unknown
Special Adventures
Clover None
refreshedit data

The Battlefield is found on the The Mysterious Island of Mystery (Wartime). Depending on whether you're wearing Frat Warrior Fatigues or the War Hippy Fatigues, you'll get different adventures. Attempting to adventure here without wearing either uniform -- for example, using the "Last Adventure" link -- gives the message:

You're not properly equipped for that. Get into a uniform.

As you defeat more and more enemies, the battlefield changes to show the carnage. You also gain access to the zones on your opponent's side. There are 33 different images for each side of the battlefield, each depicting between 0 and 32 soldiers.

Main quest

The main quest on The Battlefield, which is a mandatory ascension quest, is to clear at least one side of the battlefield, in order to reach and defeat the boss in the enemy camp. Progress in clearing The Battlefield is shown by changes in the image for that side. This table shows the correlation between the number of enemies defeated, and the image. A colored row indicates that a new side area opens up once the image is reached.

Image Number New Kills to Reach Image Total Enemies Dead
0 0 0
1 3 3
2 6 9
3 8 17
4 11 28
5 12 40
6 12 52
7 12 64
8 16 80
9 16 96
10 18 114
11 18 132
12 20 152
13 20 172
14 20 192
15 32 224
16 34 258
17 36 294
18 38 332
19 40 372
20 42 414
21 44 458
22 48 506
23 50 556
24 50 606
25 52 658
26 53 711
27 55 766
28 56 822
29 58 880
30 59 939
31 60 999
32 1 1000

(The actual image name will be bfleftX.gif or bfrightX.gif, where X is the image number.)

Sidequests

There are six sidequests that can be completed during the war. They are (unofficially):

Their pages give further details on how to complete the quests and the specific rewards for doing so.

Each sidequest can only be completed in a single uniform. For each sidequest completed in a particular uniform, the number of effective kills you get for each successful combat in that uniform on the battlefield is doubled. This can substantially speed up the war. For example, if you have completed 2 sidequests in the War Hippy Fatigues, then every frat orc you take out on the battlefield counts as 4. However, any hippies you kill in the Frat Warrior Fatigues only count for the usual 1 kill, unless you have completed sidequests in the Frat Warrior Fatigues as well. There are special messages appended to the end of combat that depend on the number of sidequests completed that detail these extra kills.

In addition to giving individual rewards and speeding your progression through the battlefield, completing sidequests also affects your quest reward.

Unlocking Sidequest Areas

Wearing the Frat Warrior Fatigues grants access to The Lighthouse, The Junkyard, and the Mysterious Island Arena. Access to The Organic Orchard, Our Lady of Perpetual Indecision, and McMillicancuddy's Farm is gained after defeating hippies.

Wearing the War Hippy Fatigues grants access to The Organic Orchard, Our Lady of Perpetual Indecision, and McMillicancuddy's Farm. Access to The Lighthouse, The Junkyard, and the Mysterious Island Arena is gained after defeating frat warriors.

The specific requirements for unlocking sidequest areas is given in the following table.

Location In Frat Warrior Fatigues In War Hippy Fatigues
The Lighthouse always open 64 kills (image 7)
The Junkyard always open 192 kills (image 14)
Mysterious Island Arena always open 458 kills (image 21)
The Organic Orchard 64 kills (image 7) always open
Our Lady of Perpetual Indecision 192 kills (image 14) always open
McMillicancuddy's Farm 458 kills (image 21) always open

Special Combat Messages

As A War Hippy

  • 1 Sidequest Completed
You look over and see a fellow hippy warrior using his dreadlocks to garotte a frat warrior. "Way to enforce karmic retribution!" you shout.

You see a Green Gourmet give a frat boy a plate of herbal brownies. The frat boy scarfs them all, then wanders off staring at his hands.

Elsewhere on the battlefield, you see a fellow hippy grab a frat warrior's paddle and give the frat boy a taste of his own medicine. I guess that could count as homeopathic healing...

You see a Grill Sergeant pour too much lighter fluid on his grill and go up in a great ball of fire. Goodness gracious!

You see a Fire Spinner blow a gout of flame onto a Grill Sergeant's grill, charring all the Wartender's meaty goodness. He wanders off crying.

Nearby, you see one of your sister hippies explaining the rules of Ultimate Frisbee to a member of the frat boys' "armchair infantry." His eyes glaze and he passes out.

You see a member of the frat boy's 151st division pour himself a stiff drink, knock it back, and finally pass out from alcohol poisoning.

You glance over your shoulder and see a squadron of winged ferrets descend on a frat warrior, entranced by the sun glinting off his keg shield.

You see a hippy shaman casting a Marxist spell over a member of the "Fortunate 500" division of the frat boy army. The frat boy gets on his cell phone and starts redistributing his wealth.

You see a frat boy warrior pound a beer, smash the can against his forehead, and pass out. You chuckle to yourself.

You see an F.R.O.G. crunch a bulb of garlic in his teeth and breathe all over a nearby frat boy, who turns green and falls over.

  • 2 Sidequests Completed
You hear chanting behind you, and turn to see thick, ropy (almost anime-esque) vines sprout from a War Hippy Shaman's dreads and entangle three attacking frat boy warriors.

Nearby, you see an Elite Fire Spinner take down three frat boys in a whirl of flame and pain.

You look over and see three ridiculously drunk members of the 151st Division run together for a three-way congratulatory headbutt, which turns into a three-way concussion.

You see a member of the Fortunate 500 take a phone call, hear him holler something about a stock market crash, then watch him and two of his fortunate buddies run off the battlefield in a panic.

Over the next hill, you see three frat boys abruptly vanish into a cloud of green smoke. Apparently the Green Ops Soldiers are on the prowl.

You hear excited chittering overhead, and look up to see a squadron of winged ferrets making a urine-based bombing run over three frat boys. The frat boys quickly run off the field to find some cheap aftershave to cover up the smell.
  • 3 Sidequests Completed
Nearby, a War Hippy Elder Shaman nods almost imperceptibly. A Kegtank hits a gopher hole and tips over. A squad of confused frat boys stumbles out and off the battlefield.

You leap out of the way of a runaway Mobile Sweat Lodge, then watch it run over one, two, three, four, five, six, seven! Seven frat boys! Ha ha ha!

A few yards away, one of the Jerry's Riggers hippies detonates a bomb underneath a Grill Sergeant's grill. An entire squad of frat boys run from the battlefield under the onslaught of red-hot coals.

You look over and see one of Jerry's Riggers placing land mines he made out of paperclips, rubber bands, and psychedelic mushrooms. A charging squad of frat boys trips them, and is subsequently dragged off the field ranting about the giant purple squirrels.

  • 4 Sidequests Completed
You turn to see a nearby War Hippy Elder Shaman making a series of complex hand gestures. A flock of pigeons swoops down out of the sky and pecks the living daylights out of a whole platoon of frat boys.

You see a platoon of charging frat boys get mowed down by a hippy. Remember, kids, a short-range weapon (like a paddle) usually does poorly against a long-range weapon (like a didgeridooka).

You look over and see a funk of hippies round up a bunch of frat boys to take as prisoners of war. Since being a hippy prisoner involves lounging around inhaling clouds of smoke and eating brownies, you're somewhat jealous. Since it also involves non-stop olfactory assault, you're somewhat less so.

Nearby, a platoon of frat boys is rocking a mobile sweat lodge back and forth, trying to tip it over. When they succeed, they seem surprised by the hot coals and naked hippies that pour forth, and the frat boys run away screaming.

  • 5 Sidequests Completed
A mobile sweat lodge rumbles into a regiment of frat boys and the hippies inside open all of its vents simultaneously. Steam that smells like a dozen baking (and baked) hippies pours out, enveloping the platoon and sending the frat boys into fits of nauseated coughing.

You see a squadron of police cars drive up, and a squad of policemen arrest an entire regiment of frat boys. You hear cries of "She told me she was 18, bra!" and "I told you, I didn't hit her with a roofing shingle!" as they're dragged off the battlefield.

You see a regiment of frat boys decide they're tired of drinking non-alcoholic beer and tired of not hitting on chicks, so they throw down their arms, and then their weapons, and head back to the frat house.

  • 6 Sidequests Completed
You see an airborne commander trying out a new strategy: she mixes a tiny bottle of rum she found on one of the frat boy casualties with a little of the frat boy's blood, then adds that to the ferret bait. A fleet of ferrets swoops down, eats the bait, and goes berserk with alcohol/bloodlust. The frat boys scream like schoolgirls as the ferrets decimate their ranks.

You see a couple of hippies rigging a mobile sweat lodge with a public address system. They drive it through the battlefield, blaring some concept album about the dark side of Ronald. Frat boys fall asleep en masse, helpless before music that's horribly boring if you're not under the influence of mind-altering drugs.

You see an elder hippy shaman close her eyes, clench her fists, and start to chant. She glows with an eerie green light as storm clouds bubble and roil overhead. A funnel cloud descends from the thunderheads and dances through the frat boy ranks, whisking them up and away like so many miniature mobile homes.

As A Frat Warrior

  • 1 Sidequest Completed
You see one of your frat brothers take out an M.C. Escher drawing and show it to a War Hippy (space) Cadet. The hippy looks at it and runs away screaming about how he doesn't know which way is down.

You see a hippy loading his didgeridooka, but before he can fire it, he's dragged off the battlefield by another hippy protesting the war.

You see a "Baker Company" hippy take one bite too many from a big plate of brownies, then curl up to take a nap. Looks like he's out of commission for a while.

You see a hippy a few paces away suddenly realize that he's violating his deeply held pacifist beliefs, scream in horror, and run off the battlefield.

You look over and see a fellow frat brother garotting a hippy shaman with the hippy's own dreadlocks. "Right on, bra!" you shout.

You glance over and see one of your frat brothers hosing down a hippy with soapy water. You laugh and run over for a high-five.

You glance out over the battlefield and see a hippy from the F.R.O.G. division get the hiccups and knock himself out on his own nasty breath.

You see one of the War Hippy's "Jerry's Riggers" sneeze midway through making a bomb, inadvertently turning himself into smoke and dust. In the wind.

You see a frat boy hose down a hippy Airborne Commander with sugar water. You applaud as the Commander gets attacked by her own ferrets.

You see one of your frat brothers paddling a hippy who seems to be enjoying it. You say "uh, keep up the good work... bra... yeah."

As the hippy falls, you see a hippy a few yards away clutch his chest and fall over, too. Apparently the hippy you were fighting was just the astral projection of another hippy several yards away. Freaky.

  • 2 Sidequests Completed
You see a War Frat Grill Sergeant hose down three hippies with white-hot chicken wing sauce. You love the smell of jabañero in the morning. It smells like victory.

As you finish your fight, you see a nearby Wartender mixing up a cocktail of vodka and pain for a trio of charging hippies. "Right on, bra!" you shout.

You see one of your frat brothers douse a trio of nearby hippies in cheap aftershave. They scream and run off the battlefield to find some incense to burn.

You see one of your frat brothers line up three hippies for simultaneous paddling. Don't bathe -- that's a paddlin'. Light incense -- that's a paddlin'. Paddlin' a homemade canoe -- oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.

You see one of the "Fortunate 500" make a quick call on his cell phone. Some mercenaries drive up, shove three hippies into their bitchin' meat car, and drive away.

As you deliver the finishing blow, you see a frat boy lob a sake bomb into a trio of nearby hippies. "Nice work, bra!" you shout.

  • 3 Sidequests Completed
You see one of your Beer Bongadier frat brothers use a complicated beer bong to spray cheap, skunky beer on a whole squad hippies at once. "Way to go, bra!" you shout.

You glance over and see one of the Roaring Drunks from the 151st Division overturning a mobile sweat lodge in a berserker rage. Several sweaty, naked hippies run out and off the battlefield, brushing burning coals out of their dreadlocks.

You see one of your frat brothers punch an F.R.O.G. in the solar plexus, then aim the subsequent exhale at a squad of hippies standing nearby. You watch all of them fall to the ground, gasping for air.

You see a Grillmaster flinging hot kabobs as fast as he can make them. He skewers one, two, three, four, five, six... seven! Seven hippies! Ha ha ha!

  • 4 Sidequests Completed
A streaking frat boy runs past a nearby funk of hippies. One look at him makes the hippies have to go ponder their previous belief that the naked human body is a beautiful, wholesome thing.

You see one of the Fortunate 500 call in an air strike. His daddy's personal airship flies over and dumps cheap beer all over a nearby funk of hippies.

You look over and see a platoon of frat boys round up a funk of hippies and take them prisoner. Since being a POW of the frat boys involves a lot of beer drinking, you're slightly envious. Since it also involves a lot of paddling, you're somewhat less so.

You see a kegtank and a mobile sweat lodge facing off in the distance. Since the kegtank's made of steel and the sweat lodge is made of wood, you can guess the outcome.

  • 5 Sidequests Completed
You see an entire regiment of hippies throw down their arms (and their weapons) in disgust and walk off the battlefield. War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!

You see a squadron of police cars drive up, and a squad of policemen arrest a funk of hippies who were sitting around inhaling smoke from some sort of glass sculpture.

You see a kegtank rumble through the battlefield, firing beer cans out of its top turret. It mows down, like, 30 hippies in a row, but then runs out of ammo. They really should have stocked one more six-pack.

  • 6 Sidequests Completed
You see the a couple of frat boys attaching big, long planks of wood to either side of a kegtank. Then they drive through the rank hippy ranks, mass-paddling as they go. Dozens of hippies flee the battlefield, tears in their filthy, filthy eyes.

You see one of the "Fortunate 500" hang up his PADL phone, looking smug. Several SWAT vans of police in full riot gear pull up, and one of them informs the hippies through a megaphone that this is not a "designated free speech zone." The hippies throw rocks and bottles at the police, but most of them end up shoved into paddy wagons in chains. Er, the hippies are the ones in the chains. Not the wagons.

You see a couple of frat boys stick a fuse into a huge wooden barrel, light the fuse, and roll it down the hill to where the hippy forces are fighting. Judging by the big bada boom that follows, that barrel was either full of scotch or gunpowder, and possibly both.

Notes

  • Trying to CLEESH either hippies or frat orcs will change the opponent into a amphibian as normal. However, said amphibian will not count toward hippies or frat orcs killed. A player dressed in Frat Warrior Fatigues who has killed 63 hippies, then CLEESHes and kills another hippy, will still not have access to The Organic Orchard, etc.
  • It is possible to deny yourself access to these areas by selling or pulverizing the components of the two level 12 outfits. If you cannot buy or otherwise retrieve a new outfit, there is an adventure that drops the full War Hippy Fatigues outfit.

References

  • "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! Seven hippies/frat boys! Ha ha ha!" is a reference to the character of Count von Count on the children's show Sesame Street. The Count's catch phrase is to count objects and then say, "Ha ha ha!" while thunder crashes in the background.
  • The message about "paddlin's" after completing two sidequests as a frat is a reference to an episode of The Simpsons, "The PTA Disbands!" where a teacher strike causes the local townspeople to become teachers. This includes Jasper Beardsly, a senior citizen who outlines his old-fashioned method of discipline: "Lookin' at my sandals... that's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe... ooohhh, you better believe that's a paddlin'."
  • "War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!" are lyrics in the song "War" made popular by Edwin Starr.
  • The reference to "designated free speech zone"s is a direct reference to a post-9/11 police/Secret Service/etc tactic to define "Free speech zones."
  • The line about "Jerry's Riggers placing land mines he made out of paperclips [and] rubber bands" is a possible reference to the Micro-Claymore entry for the 1st Office Bricolage Contest at Bleach-Eating Freaks. (Thoughtful Disclaimer: Asymmetric Publications LLC, Coldfront, and everyone else you can think of (except yourself) probably aren't responsible for anything that happens if you actually make any of this stuff.)
  • "Great Balls of Fire" is a song by Jerry Lee Lewis.
  • "The smell of jabañero in the morning. It smells like victory," is a reference to Apocalypse Now. The line is "I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. It smells like victory."
  • The line about Escher drawings, space cadets, and "which way is down" is a reference to the novel Ender's Game. "The Enemy's Gate is Down," an important phrase from the book, relates to keeping oneself oriented in space.
  • "Big bada boom" references a line said by Milla Jovovich's character in the Bruce Willis movie The Fifth Element.
  • The Frat Warrior one-sidequest help message of one of the "Jerry's Riggers" turning himself into "smoke and dust. In the wind" is a nod to Kansas's song, "Dust In The Wind".
  • The War Hippy five-sidequest help message of the police arresting a regiment of Frat Warriors is a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, in which King Arthur's army is arrested by the police as they charge into battle.
    • The frat warrior's protests that he "didn't hit her with a roofing shingle" as he's dragged off is a reference to the roofie.
  • The line about flying ferrets bombing the enemy is a reference to an XKCD webcomic.
  • "the dark side of Ronald" is a reference to the album, The Dark Side of the Moon, by Pink Floyd.