Ribbon-Cutting Elfborg
From TheKolWiki
 You're fighting a Ribbon-Cutting ElfborgThis elf used to be in charge of cutting all of the ribbon for wrapping packages (and opening new grocery stores). Unfortunately, he's been assimilated, and his scissors have been replaced with a high-powered laser cannon. It's safe to say it's not ribbon he's interested in cutting now...
It's you. It's you that he's interested in cutting, that is. I mean, I figured you probably figured that out, but I just thought I'd make it absolutely clear.
Hit Message(s):
It mistakes your <arse> for a ribbon and cuts it with laser-guided accuracy.
It stomps on you with its big metal boots. That's no mean feat, but it sure is a pair of mean feet.
It inserts a sub-cutaneous implant into your sensitive flesh. Irritating!
It zaps you with a jolt of electricity from the taser on its arm. Don't worry, we're not going to do the "don't tase me" joke again.
Critical Hit Message:
It sears you with a laser blast from its eyes. It's got laser eyes! It knows what you're thinking! Comes as no surprise! Crimbo lights are blinking!
Miss Message(s):
It starts to attack again, but has to pause to download a service patch from the hivemind.
It tries to hit you with a taser, but you dodge. And no, you don't ask it not to tase you.
It tries to cut you to ribbons, but you're not made out of ribbon.
It tries to stomp on you with its big metal boots, but you find its feet trivial, and dodging them a trivial feat.
Fumble Message:
It tries to fire a laser blast from its eyes, but is hauled away by a big, hairy, redneck sheriff and his dumb, scrawny partner. No more laserblasting for you, young man.
Occurs at Crimbo Town Toy Factory (2007).
References
- The fumble message about a redneck sheriff and his partner is a reference to the movie Laserblast!, which was featured in the final season of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
- The "service patch" miss message refers to the long series of service patches released by Microsoft for its Windows operating system.
- The "taser" hit and miss message is a reference to the University of Florida Taser incident, and the video and meme that ensued, centered around the line "don't tase me, bro." They won't repeat that joke because it was already used with the Crimbo P. R. E. S. S. I. E.
- The "Laser eyes" hit message is a reference to the TV show Sifl and Olly; specifically, the song "I'm So Curious."
- The last part of the description is probably a reference to an episode of American Dad, where Stan tells Jeff "it's you, we're going to kill you," because him figuring it out "would have taken forever."
- The third attack message probably refers to the movie Star Trek: First Contact, in which the Emergency Medical Hologram reveals that Borg implants cause "severe skin irritation."
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