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Races of the Kingdom

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Some entries could use more (or improved) fluff text. A few areas are out of date. Others need linking.

This section will list all species and subdivisions of those species encountered in the game, as well as their respective cultures and the real or fictional beings that inspired them. Note that combat-able monsters are not the only races listed here--there are also familiars and creatures that are referenced to but not fought.

Contents

7-Foot Dwarves

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The 7-Foot Dwarves inhabit the Itznotyerzitz Mine, where they moil for meat, chrome, asbestos, and linoleum night and day under the supervision of the 7-Foot Dwarf Foreman. Wielding sharp, nasty, pointy mattocks, they are prepared to defend what is theirs. The Foremen live in a gorge near the Mine, where they relax and have cookouts on their Gorge Foreman Grills when not exerting power over their 7-foot brethren. They are inspired by the countless species of smaller Dwarves that live throughout the various fantasy stories of the world. They are credited for having created the Plexiglass set; although one Judith Plexi claims otherwise.

8-Bit Beings

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The creatures that dwell in the astral 8-Bit Realm, a link between the Kingdom and the world of mythical Designers, are vibrantly colored, hearkening back to bygone days of the first adventurers. While most of the fauna of the 8-Bit Realm can be observed merely by knowing how to find them, certain rare species hole themselves up in a Castle, so that only those with the proper map can find them. Generally, the creatures mostly prefer to keep to themselves, but they will ferociously attack adventurers who invade their home to steal their precious Pixels. Those that provoke their ire may find themselves afflicted by their worst nightmares made real.

Bats/Rats/Cats

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The Bats, Rats, and Cats of the kingdom hide in various corners of the world, waiting to strike out at adventures. Some inbred variants of the awful monstrosities have become the fearsome Batrats and Ratbats. Their leader is unknown, but rats may be led by the nefarious Baron von Ratsworth, while bats may be led by the Boss Bat. There is no clear leader for the cats, although the white lion, the black panther, Iiti Kitty, and the cheetah found on The Road to the White Citadel will all pose problems for adventurers. Thankfully, the giant's pet cat has settled into retirement.

Bugbears

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The bugbears of Degrassi Knoll serve as guardians and pets to the Gnolls. They also run a bakery in The Distant Woods. While most have a distinct hatred of humans and will viciously attack any they come across, they are not very smart and are easily fooled by disguises. They are most likely inspired by the Bugbears in Dungeons & Dragons. The bugbears found in the kingdom are descended from a race of alien invaders that have gone native and lost most of their intelligence.

Especially noteworthy bugbears in the kingdom include the wild bugbears of the Dreadsylvanian Woods and their leader from beyond the stars, Falls-From-Sky.

Beasts with many parts

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These hideous mockeries of life are found within Fernswarthy's Basement. Drawn, no doubt, to the great magic residing within the depths of Fernswarthy's Tower, devouring or... well, doing SOMEthing unpleasant and terrifying to Adventurers who venture into their depths. Apart from their grotesque nature, they're fairly easy to get along with. Monster Manuel notes that they have regular Fernswarthy Basement community meetings (though there's some tension between Beast with X Eyes and the other monsters due to an excess amount of eye puns).

Constellations

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The living constellations of the Kingdom dwell in the Hole in the Sky, twinkling merrily in a manner completely devoid of any strange innuendo whatsoever. Reports are often conflicting as to what kinds of constellations are actually encountered in the Hole in the Sky, which most people put down to metaphysics, but the Astronomer regularly shows up to be beaten off.

Demons and Imps

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The minions of Satan inhabit the nefarious realm of Hey Deze, but occasionally travel to the surface through the rift that the Deep Fat Friars accidentally forged. Hellions, Demoninjas, and P imps alike show their evil nature to Adventurers who wander too close to Pandamonium Slums. Azazel rules Pandemonium; the third largest city in Hey Deze.

The retired nether fiends mentioned in The Haunted Library of Spookyraven Manor may be related to these. Some Demons can be summoned in the Summoning Chamber should you have the right materials and their Names. Curiously, the Demon of the Big Flaming Whip was summoned by demon followers within Hey Deze itself. Whether Hey Deze is outsourcing to other netherworlds is not known. Likewise, the Infernal Abyss of the Infernal Seals is likely related, but Seal Clubbers claim that they are far worse and no demon should be condemned to a seal-y fate.

Elves

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Elves are a rarely beheld race in the Kingdom, but their presence is felt. The mysterious pork elves left to the moons eons ago, the only trace of them being their mysterious pork gemstones and beautiful armor. However, their descendants do pop up every now and again. A few Elfin maidens (who specialize in shortbread) have been found wandering the Palindome at their own peril, and Uncle Crimbo still employs a few elves as wage slaves in Crimbo Town, when he isn't employing their cousins from Distant Lands. Some Adventurers may even keep a Crimbo Elf as their familiar. No word yet on any elf-made shoes.

Ghosts and Otherworldly Beings

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Incorporeal spectres, they roam through the Kingdom, seen rarely anywhere but Valhalla unless you look hard enough. Some places attract these astral beings more than others; those lucky few who possess Astral Badgers may find them in their own worlds. For the rest, some sites in the Kingdom will be rich with the ectoplasmic undead — Spookyraven Manor, The Spectral Pickle Factory, and The Knob Shaft are all such places.

The ghosts that inhabit the Dreadsylvanian Village have managed to establish a much more orderly terrifying initiative under the lazy, disgruntled leadership of Mayor Ghost.

Giants

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The Giants live away from the Kingdom in the Castle in the Clouds in the Sky obediently following the duties assigned to them by a curious wheel (or not as the case may be), though some seem to have stumbled off. They have a strong dislike for Adventurers but have much tolerance for the oddities within their own race (after all, they allow the Goth Giants and Furry Giants to live, don't they?) Booze Giants no longer live in the Castle; they were caught by the Knob Goblins and kept in their menagerie.

Gnolls

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This race of Knob-Goblin-like creatures inhabits Degrassi Knoll, and is led by the Mayor Zapruder. They enjoy building machines, growing mushrooms, taming Bugbears, baking, smithing, and pumping iron. Venturing into Degrassi Knoll can be an arduous task for many adventurers, but they are very friendly with those born under Muscle signs. Though not as prolific a race as the Goblins or Gnomes, their alternative to Meat Pasting is quite impressive. They are likely inspired by the Gnolls of "Dungeons and Dragons," a hyena-like humanoid race that is famous for its bad hygiene.

Gnomes

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Perhaps the third most commogn of the humagnoid races (agnd, they would argue, the most advagnced). These short little gnomadic creatures wagnder desert, making camps and thegn building small, temporary villages. They are the ognly race kgnowgn to have mastered the craft of clockwork. Though they take pride in their Gnomish Commugnity, magny will happily ignteract with advegnturers, igncludigng aregna battles, teaching gnew skills, selling booze, and rugngning busignesses withign Seaside Town.

Goats

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These creatures live in the Goatlet, where the ferocious sabre-toothed goats defend the lesser goats from intruders. In return, the lesser goats defend the sabre-tooths from extruders. And you can't talk about the goats without mentioning their milk and cheese. If you can find one as a baby, they hatch into a quite popular pet. Even the Naughty Sorceress herself keeps one!

Golems and Elementals

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There are hundreds of thousands of these creatures scattered throughout the Kingdom: the BASIC Elemental, the Meat Golem, the Bread Golem, the Chowder Golem, the dairy ooze, the flame-broiled meat blob, the Fruit Golem, the hockey elemental, Lumpy, the Sinister Sauceblob, and hundreds more besides. They may be the second-most-heavily-populated race in the Kingdom--second only to the humans and humanoids.

Gravy Fairies

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These peaceful little creatures make enchanted gravy, which is then stolen from them by adventurers in the Haiku Dungeon. The only race which is not peaceful is the Spooky Gravy Fairy, led by the nefarious Felonia, Queen of the Spooky Gravy Fairies.

Humans, Humanoids, and Hideous Parodies of Humanity

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Easily being the most diverse of races in the Kingdom, they come in pirate, crazy bastard, and lumberjack forms, to name a few. There are many different types of humanoids throughout the kingdom, including of course the "Hideous Parodies" who would be the lesser, more grotesque races: the Clowns of the "Fun" House, and, of course, the freaking hippies.

Inanimate Objects

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Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly as the case may very well be) many objects which one would normally think inanimate are not merely animate within the Kingdom, but fully capable of kicking the asses of unsuspecting adventurers. While monsters like clouds of disembodied whiskers, axe handles, and the Naughty Sorceress' Ice Cube are more than happy to destroy you on their own, circumstances like ingesting strange mushrooms or overworking yourself can cause you to encounter more deadly forms, such as Really Interesting Wallpaper or hideous slide shows.


Insects and Insectoids

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As in any fantasy game, giant insects are common foes. Prowling through the corners of the world, through the shadows they go, making their homes in diverse places. The mayonnaise wasp, dodecapede, Bowling Cricket, big creepy spider, and completely different spider are all such creatures. Also in this group are most monsters in the Arid, Extra-Dry Desert and the powerful Swarms of Beatles and the disgusting filthworms.

Mechanical Beings

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As the Kingdom's thinking machine technology is somewhat lacking, there aren't a lot of these that are native to the Kingdom. However, robotic constructs have invaded before; the beings in the Sinister Dodecahedron in the LAAAAME Observatory are clearly such, as was witnessed during Crimbo 2007. The MagiMechTech MechaMechs of the Penultimate Fantasy Airship are possibly leftover invaders that have been repurposed for parody value. Citizens of the Kingdom have also invaded robotic universes by stepping through A Shimmering Portal onto El Vibrato Island, and fiddling with all the constructs that reside there.

Mechanical beings are also seen as familiars; the Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot, O.A.F., El Vibrato Megadrone, MagiMechTech MicroMechaMech, Crimbo P. R. E. S. S. I. E., RoboGoose and Teddy Borg are all mechanical constructs or cyborgs (in the case of the NPZR).

Ninja Snowmen

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These "snowmen" live near the coldest area of the Kingdom: The Lair of the Ninja Snowmen on Mt. McLargeHuge. The Snowmen have chosen to study the martial arts, and some of the higher ranking Snowmen have developed their own mop and pail oriented fighting style. Though the Ninja Snowmen are in constant battle with the Samurais the Ninja Snowmen have remained on top for untold months. Whether Frosty and the other Frosty have any relation is unknown.

Knob Goblins

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The knob goblins seem to be the most common race of goblins in the Kingdom as of this age (the 2nd age to be exact). The Knobs seem have migrated from distant lands but have found their way to The Nearby Plains. Some of the lesser Knob Goblins live on the outskirts of their home: Cobb's Knob. The ones on the outskirts appear to be weak (perhaps too weak to go inside the knob?) and are made up of laboratory assistants and chefs. However, once you go inside their home, you may find Kitchens and a Treasury (where the "smart" goblins are living), as well as the Harem (where the king's many wives live) and, finally, the Throne Room, where the boss of the Knobs live. There is also a door to the Cobb's Knob Laboratory, but some say that no real goblins are in there...

There once was a band of tribal goblins in Loathing long ago. It's likely Krakrox killed them all. He was very good at that.

Knottish Wildlife

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There are two races known to live in the land of Knott: Yetis, and Slandings. Slandings are clearly the more powerful of the two. It is debatable what category the penguins go into, as their origins are not fully known — but as they were used to be fought here, and penguin skins once dropped from Yetis, they might be considered residents of Knott.

Orcs and Half-Orcs

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The Orcs of Loathing are perhaps the most drastic change from the fantasy stereotype given to creatures in the entire game. Some races of Orcs, such as Sorority Orcs, are even described as ATTRACTIVE--quite a change indeed, although the Orcish Frat Boys may compensate for this. In addition, there are Half-Orc Hobos found in the Sleazy Back Alley (and it's certain that most citizens of Loathing do not care to know what kind of perverted crossbreed brought them into existence.) There are also the Smut Orcs, who patrol The Orc Chasm, and the eXtreme orcs, who like to snowboard and can be found at the Large Donkey Mountain Ski Resort, The Road to the White Citadel, and the eXtreme Slope.

Plants

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The triffid, Carnivorous Moxie Weed, carnivorous dill plant, potted ferns, and all other creatures that photosynthesize sunlight in the Kingdom go in this category--from the smallest blade of grass to the tallest Dutch-Elm-Disease-riddled Ent.

Slime

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All life came from the the Primordial Soup, and not everything chose to leave it. Related to Elementals, Saucerors believe that "the Source" disowned some of the latebloomers. Slime is everywhere, and many of the various races of Loathing have slimy members in their midst. The Dungeons of Doom have the acid blobs, while the Inexplicable Door has the Zol. The biggest two concentrations of Slime in the Kingdom are the Convention Hall Lobby for the Sauceror Nemesis quest and the Slime Tube underneath every clan house; home of the Mother Slime. Taking Slimeform shows a link between the two. For those who challenge the Mother Slime with all of their speed and all of its hatred; an innocent Slimeling will give its allegiance.

Seals

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Some see seals as playful mammals, innocent frolickers in the seas of the world. Seal Clubbers know better--these monstrosities are nothing but pure aggressive evil. Only an Adorable Seal Larva captured while young is even remotely tamable; and in that case it's still horrible, evil, and aggressive--it's just aimed at your enemies.

Symbols

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The NetHack-plagiarized denizens of the Dungeons of Doom are all in this category, and there have been creatures outside the Dungeons placed under this category. In fact, the items from the Dungeons go in this category too, and any other symbols encountered in the Kingdom. Heck, the message text is in this category. There may actually be more in this category than Humans/Humanoids.

Trolls

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While not the most prolific of creatures, trolls have developed a versatility in habitat and variety in temper. Three types have been seen throughout the kingdom. Given their similar appearance, it is assumed they are in the same species, despite the unusual context that the Flaming Troll is in. Lavatory trolls tend to be installed as guard throughout the Kingdom, in the Dungeoneers' Association, the Dark and Dank and Sinister Cave, as well as the Phantom Trollbooth many clans install in the halls. These trolls can usually be reasoned with, (i.e. bribed) while the Flaming Trolls attack on sight. Meanwhile, the Yuletide Troll is the most benevolent yet, embarking in Crimbo festivities, and accompanying adventurers on their quests.

Turtles

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These timid yet armoured creatures abound in the Kingdom and its environs. In fact, a special class has dedicated itself to caring for, feeding, protecting, and hiding behind them: the Turtle Tamers. With rare exception, though, they're incredibly shy; one needs proper training and a dose of turtle pheromones to even try turtle taming.

Undead

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All creatures from the Misspelled Cemetary and the Cyrpt go in here--apart from Count Bakula, who is a vampire. Also the spooky mummy in the forest. And all the creatures from Seaside Town, 28 Days Later. There's a few laying around the Pyramid's Upper Chamber and Middle Chamber too. Not to mention undead hobos. Well, at least they share one thing: the Spooky element. Bring flame. Or, oddly, stench.

Vampires

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Count Bakula and the spooky vampires in the Spooky Forest. They also work for Linnea, the Scream Queen.

Warbears

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Warbears were first made known to the kingdom during their 2013 occupation of Crimbo Town. Their ranks include foot soldiers, officers, high-ranking officers, and a general with a ridiculously long name. They were repelled when Uncle Crimbo finished his combustion engine to warm up Crimbo Town.

Wolves and Were-creatures

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Baiowulf, weremoose, weretaco, warwelf, wolfman, etc.

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