Races of the Kingdom
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This section will list all species and subdivisions of those species encountered in the game, as well as their respective cultures and the real or fictional beings that inspired them. Note that combat-able monsters are not the only races listed here – there are also familiars and creatures that are referenced to but not fought.
- 1 Beasts
- 2 Bugs
- 3 Constellations
- 4 Constructs
- 5 Demons
- 6 Dudes
- 7 Elementals
- 8 Elves
- 9 Fish
- 10 Goblins
- 11 Hippies
- 12 Hobos
- 13 Humanoids
- 14 Horrors
- 15 Mer-kin
- 16 Orcs
- 17 Penguins
- 18 Pirates
- 19 Plants
- 20 Slime
- 21 Weird
- 22 Undead
- 23 Miscellaneous
The Bats, Rats, and Cats of the kingdom hide in various corners of the world, waiting to strike out at adventures. Some inbred variants of the awful monstrosities have become the fearsome Batrats and Ratbats. Their leader is unknown, but rats may be led by the nefarious Baron von Ratsworth, while bats may be led by the Boss Bat. There is no clear leader for the cats, although the white lion, the black panther, the Iiti Kitty, and the Black Cat will all pose problems for adventurers. Thankfully, the giant's pet cat and the cheetah that once stalked Whitey's Grove have settled into retirement.
The bugbears of Degrassi Knoll serve as guardians and pets to the Gnolls. They also run a bakery in The Distant Woods. While most have a distinct hatred of humans and will viciously attack any they come across, they are not very smart and are easily fooled by disguises. They are most likely inspired by the Bugbears in Dungeons & Dragons. The bugbears found in the kingdom are descended from a race of alien invaders that have gone native and lost most of their intelligence.
These creatures live in the Goatlet, where the ferocious sabre-toothed goats defend the lesser goats from intruders. In return, the lesser goats defend the sabre-tooths from extruders. And you can't talk about the goats without mentioning their milk and cheese. If you can find one as a baby, you can raise one as a pet.
There are two races known to live in the land of Knott: Yetis, and Slandings. Slandings are clearly the more powerful of the two, but are incredibly elusive. The yetis are much more common, and the species is known for going through rough times in history. When yetis used to be the dominant species of The Icy Peak, they were constantly hunted down for their meat by adventurers, which caused the hippies to protest against yeti violence, causing their numbers to dwindle from starvation. Fortunately, their numbers rose to stable levels after the establishment of a habitat, but years later they were used to create a breed of monstrous flying yetis by a necromancer in a plot to take over Valhalla.
These timid yet armoured creatures abound in the Kingdom and its environs. In fact, a special class has dedicated itself to caring for, feeding, protecting, and hiding behind them: the Turtle Tamers. With rare exception, though, they're incredibly shy, but a Turtle Tamer is experienced in the way of taming these creatures. There are also several ancient turtle spirits that reside in The Spirit World.
Warbears were first made known to the kingdom during their 2013 occupation of Crimbo Town. Their ranks include foot soldiers, officers, high-ranking officers, and a general with a ridiculously long name. They were repelled when Uncle Crimbo finished his combustion engine to warm up Crimbo Town.
As with any other fantasy game, giant insects are common foes. Prowling through the corners of the world, through the shadows they go, making their homes in diverse places. The mayonnaise wasp, dodecapede, Bowling Cricket, big creepy spider, and completely different spider are all such creatures. Also in this group are most monsters in the Arid, Extra-Dry Desert and the powerful Swarms of Beatles and the disgusting filthworms. And of course, there are bees. My God.
The living constellations of the Kingdom dwell in the Hole in the Sky, twinkling merrily in a manner completely devoid of any strange innuendo whatsoever. Reports are often conflicting as to what kinds of constellations are actually encountered in the Hole in the Sky, which most people put down to metaphysics, but the Astronomer regularly shows up to be beaten off.
Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly as the case may very well be) many objects which one would normally think inanimate are not merely animate within the Kingdom. Constructed by some person then animated by some bored magician, they are fully capable of kicking the asses of unsuspecting adventurers, and range from mundane objects to more complex machinery.
Nowadays, magic allows you to create a golem out of pretty much anything. Many golems are made of foods such as meat, fruits, chowder, and nachos, as well as non-edible items such as pencils and mineshafts. Whoever made these must not have had anything better to do.
As the Kingdom's thinking machine technology is somewhat lacking, there aren't a lot of these that are native to the Kingdom. However, robotic constructs have invaded before; the beings in the Sinister Dodecahedron in the LAAAAME Observatory are clearly such, as was witnessed during Crimbo 2007. The MagiMechTech MechaMechs of the Penultimate Fantasy Airship are possibly leftover invaders that have been repurposed for parody value. Citizens of the Kingdom have also invaded robotic universes by stepping through A Shimmering Portal onto El Vibrato Island, and fiddling with all the constructs that reside there.
Mechanical beings are also seen as familiars; the Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot, O.A.F. or El Vibrato Megadrone for example are all mechanical constructs or cyborgs (in the case of the NPZR). A complete list can be found here.
The minions of Satan inhabit the nefarious realm of Hey Deze, but occasionally travel to the surface through the rift that the Deep Fat Friars accidentally forged. Hellions, Demoninjas, and P imps alike show their evil nature to Adventurers who wander too close to Pandamonium Slums. Azazel rules Pandemonium; the third largest city in Hey Deze.
The retired nether fiends mentioned in The Haunted Library of Spookyraven Manor may be related to these. Some Demons can be summoned in the Summoning Chamber should you have the right materials and their Names. Curiously, the Demon of the Big Flaming Whip was summoned by demon followers within Hey Deze itself. Whether Hey Deze is outsourcing to other netherworlds is not known.
Some see seals as playful mammals, innocent frolickers in the seas of the world. Seal Clubbers know better--these monstrosities are nothing but pure aggressive evil, far worse than that of other demons, and deserve to be clubbed to death. Only an Adorable Seal Larva captured while young is even remotely tamable; and in that case it's still horrible, evil, and aggressive--it's just aimed at your enemies.
Easily the most common and diverse of races in the Kingdom, dudes occupy a wide range of occupations, from adventurers, musicians, soldiers, hunters, cultists, beggers, crazy bastards, time travelers, and many more. Not all dudes are always defined by their occupation, however, as some identify themselves by sticking with other dudes.
Dudes are also different from other dude offshoots in that they pursue a more extreme way of life, which causes their entire phylum to change as a result.
Elementals are the physical embodiment of an essence of some force in the universe, not necessarily of the five elements. The lesser elementals consist of simple items like grass and tonic water, and the more powerful elementals embody things like hockey and interspecies respect. They are similar to their golem cousins, just (slightly) less mundane.
These "snowmen" live near the coldest area of the Kingdom: The Lair of the Ninja Snowmen on Mt. McLargeHuge. The Snowmen have chosen to study the martial arts, and some of the higher ranking Snowmen have developed their own mop and pail oriented fighting style. Though the Ninja Snowmen are in constant battle with the Samurais the Ninja Snowmen have remained on top for untold months. Whether Frosty and the other Frosty have any relation is unknown.
Elves are a rarely beheld race in the Kingdom, but their presence is felt. The mysterious pork elves left to the moons eons ago, the only trace of them being their mysterious pork gemstones and beautiful armor. However, their descendants do pop up every now and again. A few Elfin maidens (who specialize in shortbread) have been found wandering the Palindome at their own peril, and Uncle Crimbo still employs a few elves as wage slaves in Crimbo Town, when he isn't employing their cousins from Distant Lands. Some Adventurers may even keep a Crimbo Elf as their familiar. No word yet on any elf-made shoes.
Deep within under The Sea contain a host of waterbreathing creatures. Many of them are significantly tougher than creatures that live on dry land, and just encountering them takes some effort by the adventurer. They will need a way for them and their familiar to breathe underwater, but will find their movements severely encumbered if they're not feeling Fishy. They also have to deal with the amount of pressure that suppresses their drops, as well as annoying jerk dolphins that like to steal drops from adventurers. While the Sea is hostile, many of items that can be salvaged are quite useful, and the adventurer can make friends with the Sea Monkee family that lives there.
The knob goblins seem to be the most common race of goblins in the Kingdom as of this age (the 2nd age to be exact). The Knobs seem have migrated from distant lands but have found their way to The Nearby Plains. Some of the lesser Knob Goblins live on the outskirts of their home: Cobb's Knob. The ones on the outskirts appear to be weak (perhaps too weak to go inside the knob?) and are made up of laboratory assistants and chefs. However, once you go inside their home, you may find Kitchens and a Treasury (where the "smart" goblins are living), as well as the Harem (where the king's many wives live) and, finally, the Throne Room, where the boss of the Knobs live. There is also a door to the Cobb's Knob Laboratory, but some say that no real goblins are in there...
Hippies commune in The Mysterious Island of Mystery, right across the Frat Orc territory. An offshoot of the dudes, they are shunned for their vile stench and their inability to function properly within society. Despite their stance on peace, they are more than willing to assault adventurers and the rival Frat Orcs. Almost all hippies never leave The Hippy Camp, but a few can be seen venturing outside their territory, such as the eXtreme cross-country hippy.
Hoboes, short for hobo sapien, may resemble dudes, but can be distinguished by their scruffy beards and raggedness. Most hobos live deep underground in Hobopolis, the heart of hobo society that functions with the use of unique symbols and their own currency. The hobos are under the rule of Hodgman, The Hoboverlord and his five minions. Besides Hobopolis, a few hobos live in exile at The Sleazy Back Alley. During Crimbo 2010, Uncle Crimbo and several unemployed elves made residence in Hobopolis.
Humanoids are like dudes, but not quite, as both their physiology and culture differ from that of dudes. They may or may not get along with dudes or other humanoids.
The Giants live away from the Kingdom in the Castle in the Clouds in the Sky obediently following the duties assigned to them by a curious wheel (or not as the case may be), though some seem to have stumbled off. They have a strong dislike for Adventurers but have much tolerance for the oddities within their own race (after all, they allow the Goth Giants and Furry Giants to live, don't they?) Booze Giants no longer live in the Castle; they were caught by the Knob Goblins and kept in their menagerie.
This race of Knob-Goblin-like creatures inhabits Degrassi Knoll, and is led by the Mayor Zapruder. They enjoy building machines, growing mushrooms, taming Bugbears, baking, smithing, and pumping iron. Venturing into Degrassi Knoll can be an arduous task for many adventurers, but they are very friendly with those born under Muscle signs. Though not as prolific a race as the Goblins or Gnomes, their alternative to Meat Pasting is quite impressive. They are likely inspired by the Gnolls of "Dungeons and Dragons," a hyena-like humanoid race that is famous for its bad hygiene.
Perhaps the third most commogn of the humagnoid races (agnd, they would argue, the most advagnced). These short little gnomadic creatures wagnder desert, making camps and thegn building small, temporary villages. They are the ognly race kgnowgn to have mastered the craft of clockwork agnd cagn comprehegnd their torsos. Though they take pride in their Gnomish Commugnity, magny will happily ignteract with advegnturers, igncludigng aregna battles, teaching gnew skills, selling booze, and rugngning busignesses withign Seaside Town.
The 7-Foot Dwarves inhabit the Itznotyerzitz Mine, where they moil for meat, chrome, asbestos, and linoleum night and day under the supervision of the 7-Foot Dwarf Foreman. Wielding sharp, nasty, pointy mattocks, they are prepared to defend what is theirs. The Foremen live in a gorge near the Mine, where they relax and have cookouts on their Gorge Foreman Grills when not exerting power over their 7-foot brethren. The Dwarves even have their own written language and numbering system. They are inspired by the countless species of smaller Dwarves that live throughout the various fantasy stories of the world. They are credited for having created the Plexiglass set; although one Judith Plexi claims otherwise.
There exists are things man should never see (or at least avert their eyes from it whenever possible), and creatures of the Horror phylum embody these. Whether they come in the form of genetic abominations, Eldritch horror, or something plain creepy, adventurers should be afraid. Very afraid.
Beasts with many parts
These hideous mockeries of life are found within Fernswarthy's Basement. Drawn, no doubt, to the great magic residing within the depths of Fernswarthy's Tower, devouring or... well, doing SOMEthing unpleasant and terrifying to Adventurers who venture into their depths. Apart from their grotesque nature, they're fairly easy to get along with. Monster Manuel notes that they have regular Fernswarthy Basement community meetings (though there's some tension between Beast with X Eyes and the other monsters due to an excess amount of eye puns).
Mer-kins live under The Sea, and are total jerks that hate adventurers and everything else. They are, however, fairly more advanced than their fish neighbors, as they have developed weapons and armor, and are well-versed in the occult. Mer-kins live in The Mer-Kin Deepcity, located in a highly inaccessible area, where it has its own school, entertainment venue, and a temple for Elder God worship.
The Orcs of Loathing are perhaps the most drastic change from the fantasy stereotype given to creatures in the entire game. Some races of Orcs, such as Sorority Orcs, are even described as ATTRACTIVE--quite a change indeed, although the Orcish Frat Boys may compensate for this. In addition, there are Half-Orc Hobos found in the Sleazy Back Alley (and it's certain that most citizens of Loathing do not care to know what kind of perverted crossbreed brought them into existence) and the eXtreme orcs, who like to snowboard and can be found at the Large Donkey Mountain Ski Resort, The Road to the White Citadel, and the eXtreme Slope.
On the other end of the spectrum, the Smut Orcs can be found at their Logging Camp, where they bang (nails) and rail on (hard)wood. They may not be as good-looking as the Frat Orcs, but they are honest workers, despite what someone with a dirty mind would say otherwise.
Every penguin you can encounter works for the Penguin Mafia, and the Penguin Mafia have made a significant impact in KoL history, even before the days of NS13. The Penguin Mafia first appeared after Black Sunday to rob suddenly rich adventurers of their illegally acquired meat by charging exorbitant amounts of meat for "goods", "services", and raffles. Once the money from players had been cleaned out, their next ventures included mining the old Grimacite comet and cutting deals with Uncle Crimbo. Only a handful of Mob Penguins can be encountered today, many of them only during certain seasonal events. They may or may not be native to The Icy Peak.
Pirates live in The Obligatory Pirate's Cove in The Mysterious Island of Mystery. They prefer to not have anything to do with their neighbor hippies and frat orcs, and instead spend their days drinking at the tavern, tending to their ship, and sometimes sailing the eleven seas. On days dedicated to them, adventurers may find pirate exiles wandering the dry land.
The triffid, Carnivorous Moxie Weed, carnivorous dill plant, potted ferns, and all other creatures that photosynthesize sunlight in the Kingdom go in this category--from the smallest blade of grass to the tallest Dutch-Elm-Disease-riddled Ent.
These peaceful little creatures make enchanted gravy, which is then stolen from them by adventurers in the Haiku Dungeon. The only race which is not peaceful is the Spooky Gravy Fairy, led by the nefarious Felonia, Queen of the Spooky Gravy Fairies.
All life came from the the Primordial Soup, and not everything chose to leave it. Related to Elementals, Saucerors believe that "the Source" disowned some of the latebloomers. Slime is everywhere, and many of the various races of Loathing have slimy members in their midst. The Dungeons of Doom have the acid blobs, while the 8-Bit Realm has the Zol. The biggest two concentrations of Slime in the Kingdom are the Convention Hall Lobby for the Sauceror Nemesis quest and the Slime Tube underneath every clan house; home of the Mother Slime. Taking Slimeform shows a link between the two. For those who challenge the Mother Slime with all of their speed and all of its hatred; an innocent Slimeling will give its allegiance.
Zombies, skeletons, ghost, and other horror cliches go in here. Adventurers will find that the undead like to stay in groups in concentrated areas. The Misspelled Cemetary, Upper Chamber and Middle Chamber contain a host of previously alive creatures. The Spookyraven Manor contains ghosts of all different kinds, and is even owned by one. For those who are feeling particularly brave, Dreadsylvania is the home to various powerful undead. Most of them are aligned to the Spooky element, so bring some heat. Or, oddly, stench.
Count Bakula and the spooky vampires in the Spooky Forest. They also work for Linnea, the Scream Queen. The Dreadsylvanian Castle is a home to many vampires (which they share with skeletons), with the strongest one being a raging alcoholic.
Groups of creatures that are similar in structure but radically differ in actual phylums.
The creatures that dwell in the astral 8-Bit Realm, a link between the Kingdom and the world of mythical Designers, are vibrantly colored, hearkening back to bygone days of the first adventurers. While most of the fauna of the 8-Bit Realm can be observed merely by knowing how to find them, certain rare species hole themselves up in a Castle, so that only those with the proper map can find them. Generally, the creatures mostly prefer to keep to themselves, but they will ferociously attack adventurers who invade their home to steal their precious Pixels. Those that provoke their ire may find themselves afflicted by their worst nightmares made real.
The NetHack-plagiarized denizens of the Dungeons of Doom are all in this category, and there have been creatures outside the Dungeons placed under this category. In fact, the items from the Dungeons go in this category too, and any other symbols encountered in the Kingdom. Heck, the message text is in this category. Despite looking like letters and symbols you find on your keyboard, their biology functions just like as if they actually looked like how they are described.