Quest for the Holy MacGuffin
The Council of Loathing sends you to recover the Holy MacGuffin, which they are sure will help them against the Naughty Sorceress. Sounds simple, doesn't it?
Hidden Temple quest (Gotta Worship Them All)
This stage of the quest has 2 parts:
The Hidden Temple
The Hidden City
- Your first goal is to clear your way through each of the four overgrown shrines. Each consists of three fights against dense liana and a final non-combat that unlocks a nearby building.
- Once all four shrines have been cleared, you will unlock four new locations: The Hidden Apartment Building, The Hidden Hospital, The Hidden Bowling Alley and The Hidden Office Building.
- You have the option to speed up the completion of all of these zones by adventuring in the park and choosing to knock over the dumpster. This removes the pygmy janitor monster from all of these buildings and moves them to the park instead.
- Note that the janitors can drop a book of matches which unlocks The Hidden Tavern. This can help speed up other parts of the quest, but is also entirely optional.
- On completion of each of these zones you will fight a boss monster that is immune to all physical damage. Use elemental damage to defeat them.
- Acquire the sphere from each boss in each zone in whatever sequence you fancy:
- The Hidden Apartment Building is completed by obtaining the effect Thrice-Cursed and then receiving the Action Elevator non-combat and selecting Go to the Thrice-Cursed Penthouse. There are three ways to get cursed: firstly, by starting a fight against a pygmy shaman; secondly, to choose to Go to the mezzanine in the non-combat; thirdly, to drink a Cursed Punch from The Hidden Tavern. You need to be cursed three times. If you are cursed again while already cursed the effect is replaced with a more powerful version, maxing out with Thrice-Cursed after being cursed the third time.
- Note that if your curse effect runs out at any time, you need start the whole cursing process over again from the start. Be careful, the cursed effects count as negative effects and are removed by negative effect removers such as A Relaxing Hot Tub.
- You can optionally speed up some sections of this quest by removing pygmy witch lawyers from this zone and The Hidden Office Building. To do this select Go down to the parking garage in the Action Elevator non-combat; this moves the lawyers into The Hidden Park instead.
- The Hidden Hospital is completed by wearing at least one of the following items: bloodied surgical dungarees, surgical apron, Half-size scalpel, Head mirror and surgical mask. You can get these items either as a drop from the pygmy witch surgeon or by raiding the dumpster in The Hidden Park. This will unlock the You, M. D. non-combat to fight the Ancient protector spirit. Each worn piece of equipment increases the likelihood of the adventure occurring.
- The Hidden Office Building is completed by obtaining all 5 McClusky files from pygmy witch accountants that appear in both this zone and The Hidden Apartment Building. You then need to obtain a boring binder clip from the Working Holiday non-combat and use it to get McClusky file (complete). This lets you fight the Ancient protector spirit by choosing Knock on the boss's office door in the Working Holiday non-combat.
- The Hidden Bowling Alley is completed by obtaining 5 bowling balls. Each of these unlocks the Life is Like a Cherry of Bowls non-combat and you will fight the Ancient protector spirit on the fifth attempt. You can obtain bowling balls from pygmy bowlers or by raiding the dumpster in The Hidden Park.
- Note that you can optionally speed up this quest by buying Bowl of Scorpions from The Hidden Tavern. Having this in your inventory will cause you to immediately run away from a drunk pygmy at no adventure cost, but at the cost of the item. You will need to buy multiple if you expect to encounter multiple drunks. If eleven drunks are treated in this manner in a single day, they will be banished for the remainder of that day.
- Each protector spirit drops a stone sphere upon defeat. These should be taken back to the respective overgrown shrines to be exchanged for stone triangles.
- With all 4 stone triangles, adventure in A Massive Ziggurat and defeat 3 dense liana before the Protector Spectre (another physically immune monster). Defeating him gets you the spectre scepter and the ancient amulet.
Spookyraven quest (In a Manor of Spooking)
In order to complete the Macguffin Quest, you will need to have danced with Lady Spookyraven as part of the Spookyraven Manor Quest. Note that while optional, obtaining Lord Spookyraven's spectacles and a disposable instant camera from The Haunted Bedroom will help speed up the Macguffin quest.
The Palindome (Never Odd Or Even)
Obtain the Talisman O' Nam
There are two ways to craft the Talisman o' Nam; by the snakehead charrrms, or by the Copperhead Charms.
- Adventure in The Copperhead Club, which is found in The Wrong Side of the Tracks once you read your father's diary. On your first adventure, you'll meet Shen Copperhead, who will poison you and ask you to retrieve one of the following items:
- Adventure in The Copperhead Club once you get the item. Shen will request another item from the same pool of items as last time, and poison you again.
- Adventure in The Copperhead Club again after you find the second item. Shen will ask for a third item from the same pool, and poison you yet again.
- Adventure in The Copperhead Club yet again after finding the third item. This time you become unpoisoned and will get the Copperhead Charm.
- Go to The Red Zeppelin's Mooring in The Big Mountains. In order to gain entry to The Red Zeppelin, you must first clear A Mob of Zeppelin Protesters first. Various non-adventures can clear at least 3 protesters, which can be increased if you meet certain requirements:
- Once you clear enough protesters (80 of them), you can access The Red Zeppelin.
- Adventure in The Red Zeppelin until you find Ron "The Weasel" Copperhead. You must locate his cabin, which is done by defeating the appropriate monsters. The man with the red buttons, red skeleton, and red butler will give progress in finding Ron's cabin, but a Red Herring or Red Snapper never gives progress. If you don't have a Red Zeppelin ticket in your inventory, you may be thrown overboard and take damage while preventing any progress you earn in locating Ron's cabin that combat.
- Once you defeat Ron Copperhead, you will receive the Copperhead Charm (rampant), which you can meatpaste with the Copperhead Charm to craft the Talisman o' Nam.
Pyramid quest (A Pyramid Scheme)
- (Optional) Go on vacation at The Shore, Inc., get a scrip, and pick up a UV-resistant compass in the gift shop. Equip it (not all ascension paths can do this).
- Adventure in The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert to get 10 turns of Ultrahydrated and to unlock An Oasis. You'll get +1% exploration per monster you defeat, or +2% with the compass equipped (this includes wandering monsters). Continue until you find Gnasir (at 10% exploration). Already having Ultrahydrated (such as through Superwater) will skip the initial Ultrahydrated boost.
- Whenever you run out of Ultrahydrated, go to An Oasis to become Ultrahydrated again. You get 5 turns normally, or 20 with a ten-leaf clover in your inventory. If you fail to do this, you'll pick up negative effects during your exploration.
- (Optional) Adventure in An Oasis until you obtain the stone rose (superlikely noncombat) and a drum machine (combat drop from a blur).
- (Optional) If you haven't done so already, buy a can of black paint in The Black Market.
- (Optional) If you haven't already, adventure in The Haunted Library for a killing jar from the banshee librarian.
- Click on Gnasir's hut to turn in the paint, the rose, and the jar. He will give you one desert sightseeing pamphlet per item. Use the pamphlets for +15% exploration each.
- Continue adventuring in The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert until you reach 100% exploration, or until you have 15 worm-riding manual pages (one or more of these sometimes drop after combats). If you find all 15 pages, go back to Gnasir's hut to turn them in and get the worm-riding hooks.
- If you have the worm-riding hooks and a drum machine, use the drum machine for +30% exploration.
- If you still haven't reached 100% exploration, continue adventuring in the Desert until you do. This unlocks the pyramid.
A Small Pyramid
- Paste the Staff of Ed from the Eye of Ed, the Staff of Fats and the ancient amulet.
- Go to A Small Pyramid in the beach with the Staff of Ed in your inventory. This unlocks the trap door to A Small Pyramid.
- Adventure in The Upper Chamber until you get the Down Dooby-Doo Down Down adventure. This will unlock The Middle Chamber.
- Adventure in The Middle Chamber until you receive both the Further Down Dooby-Doo Down Down and Under Control adventures. These will unlock The Lower Chambers and Control room, respectively.
- Now you need to rotate the lower chambers by turning the wheel inside Control Room. There are two ways to do this:
- Each rotation of the wheel in Control Room will consume either a tomb ratchet or crumbling wooden wheel. At minimum you will need to rotate the wheel 10 times as follows (The bottom room on the wheel is the "left" room, while the top left room is the "right" room):
- Rotate 3 times to get the room with token on the left, and empty room on the right to obtain an ancient bronze token.
- Rotate 4 more times to get the stairway on the left, bomb on the right to obtain an ancient bomb in exchange for the token.
- Rotate 3 more times to get the empty room on the left, and stairway on the right to open the burial chamber.
- (Note that trying to collect the token or bomb when the rats are in the other chamber will not work, which is why you need ten rotations.)
- An epic final battle with Ed the Undying awaits you in the burial chamber. Undying isn't just a fancy title -- Ed will take seven adventures of fighting to put down for good. If you get beaten up or run away, you'll have to fight him from the beginning again. When entering the burial chamber with less than seven adventures, you get the message:
- "Something tells you the last bit of this is going to take a long time. Come back when you've got more Adventures to spare."
- Return to the council with the Holy MacGuffin for your reward.
- A handful of confetti. Yay.
- In your Quest Log under completed quests you will see: "You've handed the Holy MacGuffin over to the Council, and enjoyed a ticker-tape parade in your honor. That quest was so ridiculous, it wasn't even funny, and now it's over! Hooray!"
On initial visit:
- Ah, <name>, excellent timing. We've just received a message from the Distant Lands -- it seems that your father, the renowned archaeologist, has gone missing. Apparently, his life's work was to track down an ancient relic known only as the Holy MacGuffin. He left behind his diary, with instructions that it was to be delivered to you, but he didn't leave any funds to pay for shipping. So, you'll have to go pick it up yourself.
- You can travel there from the Travel Agency at The Shore, but there's a slight hitch -- the area you're going to requires a passport for entry, and our passport offices are temporarily closed due to a tiny photograph shortage. You'll need to acquire some forged identification documents from the Black Market instead, but we're not entirely sure where the Black Market actually is. It's probably near the Black Forest, though, and we'll mark that on your map for you.
- Once you've retrieved your father's diary, we request that you use his notes to track down the Holy MacGuffin for us, as an item of such power will obviously be of great help to us in our fight against the Naughty Sorceress and the other evils that plague our land. Good luck!
On subsequent visits:
- Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin? It's a pretty important whatchamacallit, so we'd apprecate it if you'd get on that right away.
- "Wow! You actually brought back the Holy MacGuffin, <name>? That's pretty darn impressive -- well done! Now we can pack it in an unlabelled wooden crate and stash it in a secret warehouse full of similar crates somewhere where it's likely that no one will ever see it again. Thanks for your help!"
- "That's it?" you ask. "That's pretty anti-climactic."
- "Yeah, you're probably right. You like parades? We could throw a parade."
- And one quick (though enjoyable) tickertape parade later, you're standing back in front of the Council Hall, picking bits of confetti out of your hair and wondering what you should do next.
<name> and the Quest for the Holy MacGuffin
- The Council has instructed you to collect your father's archaeology notes from Distant Lands, and use them to hunt down the Holy MacGuffin. Your first step is to find the Black Market, to get some forged ID.
After finding the Black Market:
- You've found the Black Market... now to hit the Travel Agency and get yourself on a slow boat to China. I mean, Distant Lands.
After obtaining your father's Holy MacGuffin diary:
- You've picked up your father's diary, and things just got a whole lot more complicated. Oh dear.
After reading your father's Holy MacGuffin Diary:
- Gotta Worship Them All
- You father seemed to think the hidden temple in the Distant Woods might be guarding part of the Staff of Ed. I hope you've got your lucky fedora with you.
- After passing the first test:
- You've cunningly evaded one of the Hidden Temple's traps. But what else lies in store? cue ominous music
- After passing the second test:
- Having proved that you ain't no hollaback girl, there's just one more trap to go. Pity dad never got around to translating that last passage...
- After opening the Hidden City:
- Awesome, you've evaded all of the temple's traps! Of course, it turned out that getting the piece of the Staff of Ed isn't going to be nearly that easy, but you were probably expecting that anyway. If you weren't, well, sorry.
- After completing defeating the Protector Spectre (subquest complete):
- You've defeated the ancient ghost of an ancient mummy of an ancient high priest and claimed his ancient amulet! Go you!
After reading your father's Holy MacGuffin Diary:
- Never Odd Or Even
- If you're going to get the Staff of Fats, it looks like the first step is to get into the Palindome. Maybe it has something to do with that amulet your father mentioned in his diary?
- After opening the Palindome:
- Congratulations, you've discovered the fabulous Palindome, rumored to be the final resting place of the legendary Staff of Fats! Now all you have to do is find it...
- After encountering Dr. Awkward:
- Well, you found the Staff of Fats, but then you lost it again. Good going. Looks like you're going to have to track down this Mr. Alarm guy for help...
- After talking to Mr. Alarm:
- Mr. Alan Alarm has agreed to help you nullify Dr. Awkward's ineptitude field (patent pending), but wants some wet stew in return. Those ingredients again: lion oil, a bird rib, and some stunt nuts. Sounds delicious!
- You could also check party boobytraps in the palindome -- Mr. Alarm says those are sometimes baited with the stuff.
- After returning with the wet stunt nut stew:
- Oh yeah, you've got the Mega Gem, and are ready to deliver some pain to Dr. Awkward. They call you the bus driver, because you're gonna beat the hell out of that guy.
- After defeating Dr. Awkward (subquest complete):
- Congratulations, you've recovered the long-lost Staff of Fats!
- Nice Work!
After reading your father's Holy MacGuffin Diary:
- In a Manor of Spooking
- Your father's notes indicate that the gem from the Staff of Ed is probably hidden in a Seaside Town mansion. At a guess, you figure Spookyraven Manor is probably your best bet.
- After unlocking the basement:
- You've unlocked the wine cellar in Spookyraven Manor. What are the chances there's a secret door hidden somewhere? Yeah, probably about one in one.
- After opening the summoning chamber:
- You've found Lord Spookyraven's secret black magic laboratory. When you're done with him, he'll be doing black and blue magic.
- After defeating Lord Spookyraven (subquest complete):
- You've defeated Lord Spookyraven and claimed the Eye of Ed! Huzzah!
After reading your father's Holy MacGuffin Diary:
- A Pyramid Scheme
- Your father's diary indicates that the key to finding the Holy MacGuffin is hidden somewhere in the desert. I hope you've got your walking shoes on.
- After finding An Oasis:
- You've managed to stumble upon a hidden oasis out in the desert. That should help make your desert explorations a little less... dry.
- After meeting Gnasir:
- The fremegn leader Gnasir has tasked you with finding a stone rose, at his abandoned encampment near the oasis. Apparently it's an ancient symbol of his tribe or something, I dunno, whatever. He's not gonna help you unless you get it for him, though.
- After returning with the stone rose:
- Gnasir has asked you to prove your honor and dedication to the tribe by painting his front door black. A menial task to be sure, but at least it's not dangerous.
- Well, unless you're really allergic to paint fumes or something.
- After painting Gnasir's door:
- Gnasir seemed satisfied with the tasks you performed for his tribe, and has asked you to come back later.
- Okay, that's probably long enough.
- After talking to Gnasir again:
- For your worm-riding training, you need to find a 'thumper', something that produces a rhythmic vibration to summon sandworms.
- It's unlikely that we're talking about bunny rabbits here.
- After finding a drum kit and returning to Gnasir:
- You need to find fifteen missing pages from Gnasir's worm-riding manual. Have fun!
- After finding the first manual page:
- One worm-riding manual page down, fourteen to go.
- After finding the second manual page:
- Two worm-riding manual pages down, thirteen to go. Sigh.
- After returning to Gnasir with all 15 pages:
- You've earned your hooks and are ready to ride the worm. Literally, not in the South-of-the-Border sense.
- After riding a worm to the pyramid:
- One excitingly-described worm-ride later, you've found the little pyramid with the map of Seaside Town inside. Looks like you're going to need the Staff of Ed to get the location of the Holy MacGuffin's hiding place.
- After opening the pyramid with the Staff of Ed:
- You've found the hidden buried pyramid that guards the Holy MacGuffin. You're so close you can almost taste it! (In a figurative sense, I mean -- I don't recommend you go around licking things you find in ancient tombs.)
- After beating Ed the Undying and recovering the Holy MacGuffin:
- The mighty Ed the Undying has fallen! You recovered the Holy MacGuffin! Jolly good show, mate!
- <name> and the Quest for the Holy MacGuffin
- You've handed the Holy MacGuffin over to the Council, and enjoyed a ticker-tape parade in your honor. That quest was so ridiculous, it wasn't even funny, and now it's over! Hooray!
- "MacGuffin" is a term popularized by Alfred Hitchcock; a MacGuffin is a plot device which is an object that motivates characters but is itself unimportant to the story.
- The name of this quest is a reference to the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail (sometimes called Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail), which is based upon "The Death of Arthur," more commonly known as part of the Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table legends. The fact that your father is looking for it refers to the film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, in which Indiana Jones's father was searching for the Holy Grail.
- The name of the quest may also be a reference to a story arc of the webcomic Goats in which some of the characters steal an artifact called "The Holy MacGuffin" from the Metropolitan Museum of Art. After their theft, they mention trying to sell it on the black market -- a Kingdom of Loathing location which has a prominent role in this quest. The story arc in question starts here.
- The way you reveal the staircase by focusing sunlight through an amulet references Raiders of the Lost Ark, where Indiana Jones also focuses light through an amulet to find the location of the Ark. The Council's remarks about placing the MacGuffin in an unlabeled wooden crate in a secret warehouse somewhere is a reference to the ending of the same movie.
- The name of the first part ("Gotta Worship 'Em All!") is a reference to the Pokémon catchphrase "Gotta Catch 'Em All!" Additionally, Pokémon names like Pikachu, Squirtle, Charmander and Bulbasaur are parodied by Pikachutlotal, Squirtlcthulli, Charcoatl and Bulbazinalli respectively.
- The stones, the necessity to put them into recesses on altars, the coloured light they emit, the choice of colours, and the triangular stones which one might obtain before the August 24, 2013 revamp may all be a reference to The Fifth Element
- Never Odd Or Even is a Palindrome and might be a reference to the Weird Al Yancovic song "Bob".
- The riding of sandworms with hooks comes from a Frank Herbert novel Dune.
- In the real world, a Pyramid Scheme is a get-rich-quick scheme in which one person (the person at the top of the "pyramid") pays to begin and then recruits two people who pay to participate. These people then recruit two more people, and they, along with everyone above them, receive a cut of the enrollment fee. In the end, only the people at the top few levels make a profit, as the amount of money taken in dwindles as one moves down the pyramid.
- The Quest Log entry "It's unlikely that we're talking about bunny rabbits here" when you need a drum machine is a reference to Thumper the rabbit from the Disney movie Bambi.
- The Quest Log entry about rabbits that is mentioned above could also be a reference to the Energizer Bunny.
- The Quest Log entry "They call you the bus driver, because you're gonna beat the hell out of that guy." is a parody of a common boastful saying, "You can call me the bus driver, because I just took you to school."
- The final Quest Log entry "That quest was so ridiculous, it wasn't even funny, and now it's over! Hooray!" refers to the fact that this is the Level eleven quest.
- The Council text about a "slow boat to China" is a nod to a Frank Loesser tune, "(I'd Like to Get You on a) Slow Boat to China", which is also mentioned in the first verse of the "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego" theme song by Rockapella.