The Dirt-Walled Hovel of The Pretentious Artist
From TheKolWiki
(Redirected from Pretentious Artist) This is where the Pretentious Artist lives.
You can find his hovel on the Wrong Side of the Tracks in the Seaside Town.
If you show up to his hovel wearing an outfit, he'll paint your portait and you unlock a tattoo. But first, you need to help him find his stuff, namely his brush, palette and paint.
He also buys your rat whiskers for 50 meat apiece: "Ooh, is that a rat whisker? I use those to repair my paintbrushes. I'll give you 50 Meat each for them..."
Outfit Text
No Outfit
Ah, but your clothing is so bland. Please -- give me something to work with...
Ah! 8-bit Finery at its 8-bit finest! What adventures you must've had! Accept this painting.
I say, what a fascinating collection of vintage armor! Ah, for the days when men were men, women were women, and the latest advancement in protective clothing was a vest made of pig-iron.
Ah, the majestic evergreen, slaughtered in its prime to be gaudily decorated in an effort to amuse selfish, greedy children. Deck the halls, indeed.
Oh, joy. Arrrbor Day. It's a holiday that's far too new to be retro, too trendy to be indie, and too bland to be enjoyed ironically. I mean, it's a holiday about trees, for crying out loud. What do you want me to do, paint you some happy little trees?
Well, I suppose I could do that, if I added a nigh-undetectable undercurrent of blistering irony.
Black, like the pain in my soul. Black, like the tar in my lungs. Black. Perfect!
Mercenary. You care about nothing but Meat? Meat it is, then.
Bows! This painting shall be a profound statement against the commercialization of Crimbo. Either that or just a picture of some Crimbo lights.
A Bugbear costume! What a delight to commit to canvas! Voila!
Oh. I suppose you're going to criticize me for not "supporting" you. Here. You can wave it like a flag as you slaughter the innocent.
Machines, machines, machines. What has happened to the world, that we allow machines to work, think, and feel for us? I will paint you a quick portrait, but then I have to vacuum.
Crimbo! Oh, delightful Crimbo! What else could bring back the idyllic memories of childhood so poignantly. This painting shall be as heartwarming as it is thought-provoking.
Ah, a biomechanical menace. How suitable a metaphor for the corruptive influences of modern society. Sinister, yet... somehow sensual.
Cursed. Don't talk to me about cursed. You think rotting limbs hurt? Nothing. Nothing compared to the pain in my soul. Take this. I don't want it anymore.
Ah, your garments suggest that you are scary as hell, like a hobo who was recently killed and buried in a cemetery where things come back to life, only they come back evil, because the soil of a man's heart is stonier, or some such. I shall try to capture that truth in my painting, once my hands stop shaking.
Ah, I see you're wearing the finery of the Dwarves of Mt. McLargehuge. Allow me to provide some embellishment... I don't actually know Dwarvish, but I expect I can approximate it from old take-out menus I've seen.
What's the matter? Can't find any innocent civilians to blow up? Here. Take this painting. I'll paint another copy later to burn in protest.
Oh, so you're wearing a... er... what is that, exactly? It's like nothing I've ever seen before -- so I'll paint like I've never painted before! And no, I don't mean 'as if this were the first time I've ever painted.'
Ah! I see you've been riding the mindways! The brilliant, scintillating pathways of neurons, the energies of inspiration! Hold still one moment while I bask in the fires of creativity... ahhh... okay, I'm done. Here, let me paint you something to commemorate the occasion.
Bundled up from the cold, eh? Please, allow me to capture this eXtremely important moment in a painting...
Ah, the gentle beauty and poise of the hippy. Behold!
Frat Boy, eh? Well, a deal is a deal. Here's your painting.
Drunken brawling. How typical. I'd defecate on a canvas, but I don't want to waste either material. Begone.
Oh, great. A Furry. Enjoy your painting, pervert.
Such an upstanding person you are, taking what those undereducated and overpaid fools throw away every day and turning it into fine clothing! Here, accept this fine painting of a symbol which represents your commitment to society!
The Gnauga -- the toughest of creatures. I will paint a portrait that shows the softness hidden behind the tough exterior.
Ah, the majestic hula girl. So understated, so underappreci-- hey, is that plastic oyster grass! Ack! Here, if I give you this painting, will you leave before you get that stuff everywhere? It's so hard to get out of the dirt walls in here, you know.
The spectre of Death. How it haunts us all. But I... I shall live on forever, in my great masterpieces such as this one!
Ah, you are dressed as Hodgman, the king of the hobos! He is such an amazing post-modern purveyor of absurdist humor! No, I don't think he's just a crazy hobo -- he's a crazy genius hobo.
A Ninja is You, I see. I shall capture your essence with skill and gusto.
Ah, your garments suggest that your heart is cold and empty, like that of a cold and empty hobo sleeping in a cold and empty vacant lot. I shall do my best to capture your frigid nothingness, provided you don't ask me for any spare change.
The brute strength and questionable hygiene of the Knob Goblin Elite Guard. What an imposing figure your portrait shall cut!
Ah, the curious combination of attraction and disgust embodied by the Knob Goblin Harem Girl. What a beautiful and important painting this shall be!
Ah, the dedication and integrity of the Dwarven Miner. I'll need lots of black paint for this...
You see? You see what science has wrought? The loss of our essential humanity. Oh, our humanity!
Ah, the stoic stoicity of our stoic neighbors to the north. I shall paint one of their most enduring symbols. Never mind that they only really have one enduring symbol.
A vacation. How I wish I even remembered the meaning of the word. My life is torment.
Ah, the finery of the ancient Pork Elves! Such detailed craftsmanship, such grace and artistry!
Ah, your garments suggest that your brain is fevered and hot, like a fevered, hot hobo sleeping too close to a fevered, hot trash can fire. I am inspired to paint the hot and feverish images that would sear such a hobo's brains.
Radio! What a glorious invention. It shall inspire me to works of high concept -- I shall paint using not color, but sound!
Only the lonely, indeed! You're a legend! An icon! Let me commit you to canvas.
That is... disgusting. Vile. And yet... intriguing. Perhaps I can... capture it. Yes! Yes!
You're a superstar, that's what you are! Allow me to capture this fact on canvas.
Swashbucklery! What a grand theme for what will undoubtedly be a grand painting!
Duct tape, eh? Clever! I shall glorify the substance, and its many uses, by immortalizing it as art!
Ah, your garments suggest that you're the kind of hobo who hides in the bushes and makes furtive rustling noises as women walk by. I'm not sure why you wish to give that impression, but art pursues a higher calling. Moral judgment is so jejune, don't you think?
Nothing embodies the sheer terror and unpleasantness of childhood so much as the Clown. The Everyman shall see this painting and weep!
Ah, the noble towel! Paragon of versitility and comfort! I shall paint your portrait on terrycloth to commemorate it.
Time. It heals all wounds, they say, but I have yet to verify that. Sigh. If I were truly inspired, this would be melting on a branch, or something, but I'm not in a surrealist mood right now. Here you go.
Tropical Crimbo. I'm not sure whether to berate you for your crass commercialism, or for your sloth. I shall paint a portrait that expresses both!
Ah, your garments suggest that your soul is decayed and rotting -- or at least that something is decaying and rotting. You do look and smell like a hobo who has slept in a dumpster for a week. I will try to capture that essence. No, don't come any closer, I can see you just fine.
Ah, the futility of war. Man's inner struggle against both it and his own violent nature. Pop art it is.
Ah, the majestic wumpus, long ago hunted into extinction by profiteers and adrenaline junkies. Here, allow me to commemorate what a mighty murd-- I mean warrior you are.
The splendor of Yendor! It renders me aloft to the pinnacle of creativity!
References
- The Star Garb message may be a reference to the lyrics of John Lennon's "Instant Karma" ("A super star / Well, right you are"), Mya's "Ghetto Superstar" ("Ghetto supastar that is what you are"), or Madonna's "Vogue" ("You're a superstar, yes, that's what you are").
- The Time Trappings message is a reference to the 1931 painting The Persistence of Memory, the most famous work of surrealist painter Salvador Dalí.
- The Mutant Couture message is probably a reference to Herbert Morrison phrase "Oh, the humanity!" which has now become a satirical way to ridicule, diminish and trivialize deep emotional feelings.
- The Arrrbor Day Aparrrrrel mention of "painting happy little trees" is probably a reference to Bob Ross.
- The Pretentious Artist is one of the two KoL NPCs based on real people, the other being Doc Galaktik. The Pretentious Artist is one of the models for t-shirts at the KoL store, wearing the "Minimalist Sword and Martini Guy Shirt".
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