Naughty Sorceress Quest
| There are some vague or non-exact figures and information on this page. Some spading is required.
After you have completed all other council quests and reached level 13, the Council of Loathing will send you on one final quest: to defeat the Naughty Sorceress. You'll have to fight, sneak, cheat, and otherwise adventure your way to the top of her tower to finally face her.
Registration DeskContest Registration Desk will measure your adventuring aptitude and pit you against several other Adventurers to get into the tower.
You'll be given three contests, all players must enter into the Fastest Adventurer contest, the other two are selected at random. A player will only draw one stat test and one elemental damage test. Each tests your character's bonuses at the time of registration.
When a player registers, they will be assessed and initially ranked between #11 and #2 based on the respective stat test. You can change equipment and effects between registrations to maximize your chances.
You must then fight through a crowd of adventurers and beat the #1 ranked contestant to win the contest. Players ranked #11 will have to fight through Adventurers #1 - #10 to win, whereas players ranked #2 will only have to fight #1.
|Crowd||Contest||Stat Measured||Stat Needed For #2 Ranking|
|Left||Fastest Adventurer||Combat Initiative||390%|
|Right||Hottest Adventurer||Hot Damage and Hot Spell Damage||~100|
|Sleaziest Adventurer||Sleaze Damage and Sleaze Spell Damage|
|Spookiest Adventurer||Spooky Damage and Spooky Spell Damage|
|Coldest Adventurer||Cold Damage and Cold Spell Damage|
|Stinkiest Adventurer||Stench Damage and Stench Spell Damage|
After beating all your competitors and winning the 3 contests, you may proceed into the courtyard, along with your World's Best Adventurer sash.
In the Coronation Courtyard, you'll "celebrate" the Closing Ceremony and then meet Frank. Frank will guide you through The Hedge Maze, advising you to keep left all the time. If you do, the maze will take 9 adventures and reward you with eight topiary nugglets.
If you wish to take a shortcut instead, you can get through the maze faster, as long as you can overcome the obstacles in your way. Depending on the path you take, you might fight some tough (200-350 Monster Level) monsters, or take large amounts of elemental damage from the trapped passages. Getting beaten up wastes one adventure, but you can always return to the maze where you left off (and take the other path, if you choose).
The fastest way through is to head right at every juncture. You will encounter three elemental damage traps. The damaging elements are selected randomly each time you ascend; with an upgraded telescope, you can see which ones you're up against ahead of time. The first trap will deal 90% of your maximum HP in damage, the second 80%, and the third 70%. Having full hit points and at least 7 levels of resistance to all elements should get you through, taking 4 adventures to complete the maze.
A Perplexing Door
The Naughty Sorceress' Tower Door requires six keys: Boris's key, Jarlsberg's key, Sneaky Pete's key, Richard's star key, a skeleton key, and a digital key. Each key is destroyed on use, along with its corresponding lock. You may then proceed to the tower.
The tower has five levels.
- Level 1: Fight a wall of skin. It only has 50 HP, but it also has 100% damage resistance, reducing damage from all sources to 1, and its attacks scale to your max HP and ramp up quickly, so you must defeat it in less than five turns. Alternately, a beehive, found near the blackberry patch in The Black Forest, will defeat it instantly.
- Level 2: Fight a wall of meat. This one has normal stats, but you will have to defeat it repeatedly until all its meat is removed (~1000). Having a high +Meat bonus helps tear it down faster.
- Level 3: Fight a wall of bones. Only group damage skills will deal damage to it, while all other skills cause it to fully heal, and its attacks scale to your max HP and ramp up quickly, so you must defeat it in less than six turns. An electric boning knife, found in the Foodie Giant's room in The Castle in the Clouds in the Sky (Ground Floor), will destroy it.
- Level 4: There's a mirror. You can gaze in the mirror for a buff (costs 1 Adventure), or smash it (does not cost an Adventure). Smashing it causes the Naughty Sorceress to have higher HP when you fight her.
- Level 5: Fight your shadow. You can only hurt it by healing yourself. It deals a lot of damage, so you'll need to heal yourself pretty fast.
The Naughty Sorceress
Here, you'll have the final showdown with the Naughty Sorceress (or someone else, on certain challenge paths). The fight takes 1 adventure, but consists of 3 separate battles, as she progresses to a stronger form each time you defeat her. She's pretty tough, since she cancels all beneficial buffs and can block your skills and combat items, so select your outfit with care. The Sorceress' final form requires the Wand of Nagamar, which can be found in The Misspelled Cemetary or crafted.
See also Defeating The Naughty Sorceress.
On initial visit: Adventurer! We've recently received word that the Naughty Sorceress is holding some sort of contest. We don't know what it means, but we know it doesn't mean anything good, and as such, we have decided that it is time for you to embark upon your final quest. Seek out and destroy the Naughty Sorceress, who has plagued these lands for so long, and rescue King Ralph XI, whom she has imprismed.
Go forth to her Lair, east of the Nearby Plains! Beat her down!
On subsequent visits:
- Be strong, Adventurer! You must defeat the Naughty Sorceress! You'll find her Lair just east of the Nearby Plains.
After completing the quest but before freeing the king:
- "Congratulations, Adventurer! You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress and brought peace to the land again. Say, did you know she was your mother?
- Nah, just kidding. Anyway, I notice you left the king imprismed up there. It would be horrible if you left him there, because then the monsters would continue to fight adventurers and we would continue to have absolute power throughout the land. Yup, that sure would be a drag.
- I guess you should probably go free him, though. But, y'know, take your time. If there's anything really important you have to do first, like brushing your teeth or cleaning your campsite, just go ahead and do that.
- Seriously, no rush."
After freeing the king:
- "Congratulations, Adventurer! It's the end of your quest as we know it. Don't worry, we feel fine. You've freed the king and made us obsolete. Ah, well. Hail to the king, baby.
- There's one little matter of obscure prophecy we forgot to tell you about, though. Sorry -- Dave, our librarian, just brought it to our attention. Apparently, your physical presence is somehow tied to the continuing monster attacks in the kingdom. As long as you remain on this plane of existence, the attacks will continue. It seems that it wasn't just the Sorceress -- the monsters just really, really don't like you.
- I don't suppose you'd bugger off this mortal coil, would you? Our instruments (especially the tuba) show there's a rip in the fabric of reality that appeared when you fought the Sorceress. If you jump in there, you'll ascend to a higher plane and peace will rule our land."
The next two accomplishments will show up in your personal profile:
- You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress.
- You have freed King Ralph XI from the Sorceress' prism.
- When you complete your first Hardcore ascension, you gain access to channel /hardcore.
- The Naughty Sorceress's Tower and quest went through a revamp on January 1, 2015. For the old version of the quest, see here.