Naughty Sorceress (3)

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The Naughty Sorceress (3)
Monster ID 245
Locations The Sorceress' Chamber
Hit Points 9999999
Attack 9999999
Defense 8999999
No-Hit 10000009
Initiative
Meat None
Phylum dude
Elements None
Resistance 100% physical, 100% elemental
Monster Parts sausage
Drops
None
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
The Naughty Sorceress (3) You're fighting The Naughty Sorceress (3)

"Dang it!" you shout. "How many times do I have to kill you? This battle has taken over a half an hour and there's no save point!"

"Ha! You will never defeat me!" The Sorceress cackles. There is a muffled *POP* and a slightly greasy smell as the apparition vanishes and is replaced by a nasty-looking floating sausage.


That's weird, you think, but before you can think anything else the sausage fires a BEAM OF DARK ENERGY at you. You see no way to arrange (or rearrange, for that matter) your fate as the beam hits you. You are thrown out the gaping hole in the side of the chamber and fall to the base of the tower, tea over asskettle. Er, ass over teakettle. Ouch! Ow! Oof! Argh! Ooh! Ouch! Argh! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

or

The sausage emits a DEADLY SPICE CLOUD. Usually, the spice is the life, but in this case it's the opposite. You wave your weapon in front of you, but can't seem to summon any magic from it. As you inhale the choking cloud of spices, you futilely wish you had a way to change the situation. You hack and cough your way to the edge of the tower and plummet to the ground irpse over tap. Er, arse over tip. Oof! Ugh! Ooh! Ooh! Oof! Ooh! Argh! Ooh! Ow! Argh!

or

The sausage shoots a GEYSER OF HOT GREASE at you. You wave your weapon in front of you desperately, trying to change the situation, but reality refuses to rearrange itself for you. The grease-geyser washes over you and you fly out of the chamber heels over head. Er, head over heels. Ouch! Ugh! Ouch! Ugh! Argh! Oof! Ugh! Ouch! Ooh! Argh!

or

The sausage PELTS YOU WITH MYSTERY MEAT. You were never sure what was in a knob sausage, and you don't want to find out. You chant any spells you can remember, waving your weapon in front of you. "MELTS YOU WITH PYSTERA MEYT... YELTS POU MITH WYSTERY MEAT..." you chant, but nothing happens. The meat smacks you upside the head and downside the rest of you and you fly out of the chamber to the ground below. Eek! Ooh! Ouch! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ouch! Oof! Argh! Ouch!

or

The sausage THROWS BONE FRAGMENTS AT YOU[sic]. You're not sure why it throws them in capital letters, but it does. You look frantically around for a way to rearrange the situation, but your weapon proves ineffectual at stopping the barrage of razor-sharp pieces of bone. You get sliced, diced, and Julienned fried before you fall out of the tower tea over asskettle. Er, ass over teakettle. Ouch! Ow! Eek! Argh! Ugh! Ugh! Ouch! Ow! Ooh! Eek!


You lose.

You wake up in a heap at the base of the tower...


The sausage fires a BEAM OF DARK ENERGY at you. Your Wand of Nagamar begins to glow brightly. The BEAM OF DARK ENERGY becomes a BAKED FERRY GNOME.

"What's up, dude? Do you gneed to cross the river, dude?" The gnome looks around through bloodshot eyes. "Wait, where am I?" he says, and wanders off.

or

The sausage PELTS YOU WITH MYSTERY MEAT. You were never sure what was in a knob sausage, and you don't want to find out. Fortunately, your Wand of Nagamar glows brightly and the attack dissipates, leaving an EPHEMERAL, TWISTY, MUSTY TOY.

It writhes in the air, exuding a stale smell and flickering in and out of existence. Finally, it winks out altogether, leaving only the scent of mold in its wake.

or

The sausage shoots a GEYSER OF HOT GREASE at you. You cower, but your Wand of Nagamar glows brightly and a SAFER HOT GEESE GYRO appears.

You don't usually like goose meat, but the gyro's pretty tasty.

or

The sausage shoots a STREAM OF HOT GREASE at you. You duck, remembering all those times you used to fry bacon in the nude. Fortunately, the Wand of Nagamar glows brightly and the stream becomes a THREE FOOT MASSAGER.

It massages both of your feet, then buzzes off into the gloaming looking for another foot to massage.

or

The sausage THROWS BONE FRAGMENTS AT YOU[sic]. Your Wand of Nagamar glows brightly and you hear a SONG FROM NEWT BATHERS. The lilting melodies of washer-women cleaning small amphibians soothes and delights you.
  • Second attack:
The sausage attacks you with a BARRAGE OF CONDIMENTS. You mustard up the courage to wave your Wand of Nagamar, which glows brightly. The barrage disappears, and in its place you see a GRAND FABRIC MOOSE NET.

The net hangs in the air, seeking out moose to entrap. When it doesn't see any around, it vanishes.

or

The sausage emits a DEADLY SPICE CLOUD. Usually, the spice is the life, but in this case it's the opposite. Your Wand of Nagamar glows brightly and the spice cloud changes into a SPECIAL CUDDLY ODE.

Though the sappiness of the ode is a little nauseating, it's much better than death by spices.

or

The sausage hiccups, belches, and sends a WAVE OF GASTRIC DISTRESS at you. It's more pleasant than a wave of mutilation, but only barely. You wave your Wand of Nagamar and reality shifts.

A group of REACTIVATED SWISS FROGS appears on the floor in front of you. They hop around croaking with a swiss accent for a while, then hop off to find a neutral swamp

or

The sausage spins around in the air, casting a powerful sausage spell. a FONT OF MEAT GRINDERS appears and spews nasty, metallic death your way.

You wave your Wand of Nagamar and the font disappears, replaced by a SOFT FRIDGE ORNAMENT. It bounces harmlessly off your left elbow and falls to the floor.

or

The sausage tries to TANGLE YOU IN CASING. You're not even sure what sausage casing is made of, and you don't want to find out. Fortunately, your Wand of Nagamar glows brightly and summons a YOGI'S ANCIENT LUNG instead.

The lung drops to the ground with a petrified thud and lays there, looking perfectly at peace with the universe.
  • Final attack:
The sausage forms a vestigial mouth and chants an evil incantation, summoning a dreaded elder god from outside the reaches of time and space. For reasons unknown, in this dimension it takes the form of A COHERENT NYLON BEE. "I say," it says. "I do believe I shall have to rip your entrails from your body."

Suddenly, the Wand of Nagamar glows brilliantly, and a katana forged of pure white light appears in mid-air!

With a single swing, the sword simultaneously decapitates the bee and slices the malevolent sausage into luncheon meat. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

You quickeningly make your way to the prism that holds the king.

or

The sausage bulges in the middle and releases a cloud of A NETTLED HOPS STINK. You collapse to the floor, choking. "Gah! It smells like... like rotten beer and weeds!"

You wave your hands in front of your face, unable to think, and fortunately wave the Wand of Nagamar as well. Reality bends and twists like a CD in a microwave (wait, what's a CD? Or a microwave?). A bolt of energy leaps from the wand to SEND LINK TO THE PAST. The sausage falls through a rift in the space-time continuum and is promptly eaten by a cavewoman.

She smiles at you through the rift. "Zelll-daaa," she says, which is probably caveman for "that was really tasty, but I'm going to regret eating it later."

You see that your way to the king is clear after the rift heals itself and normality (or what passes for it here) is restored.

or

The sausage rotates end-over-end rapidly, creating a swirling vortex that pierces the very fabric of space-time itself. From deep within the vortex, an army of GENERAL THIEVERY ZIP THUGS emerges. They wave their zip guns and charge at you in a non-specific way.

You feel rage growing inside of you -- either that or it was all those extra-spicy burritos. "You don't love me! You never loved me!" you shout, and wave the Wand of Nagamar before you.

The GENERAL THIEVERY ZIP THUGS look confused for a second, then turn on the sausage and PULVERIZE THE GREASY THING. Then they head out to parts unknown to continue their general thievery. You stare at the Wand of Nagamar for a few seconds. Never has such unimaginable power been so undeniably goofy... but then you notice that your way to the king is clear.

or

The sausage spins around, casting a powerful sausage spell. An army of GREASE-SATED YOUTHS emerges from a tear in the fabric of reality and runs toward you, brandishing toasting forks and skewers.

You curl your lip, grip your Wand of Nagamar, and DESTROY THE SAUSAGE.

There is a sudden ghastly silence. There is a sudden ghastly noise. There is a sudden ghastly silence.

The sausage explodes in an impressive display of greasy pyrotechnics. The army of grease-sated youths falls into the rift in space-time caused by the sausage's destruction.

or

The sausage vibrates with fury, and screeches the words to an ancient and forbidden spell. Your knees start to buckle as a HEARTBREAKING TOFU MOUSSE appears through a tear in reality. The crushing weight of hippie ennui is almost overpowering...

Suddenly, the Wand of Nagamar glows brightly, and you stand up straight with new-found resolve: to NUKE THE SAUSAGE FROM ORBIT. After all, it's the only way to be sure.

After the radioactive dust settles, your way to the King is clear.

or

The sausage spins around, casting an enormously powerful sausage spell: the dreaded KINGDOM BANE FISHLOB. Rotten fish fly through the air toward you.

You grit your teeth, curl your lip, and wave your Wand of Nagamar one last time. Reality bends and twists around you as you are nearly blown backwards by the Wand's power. A FAMISHED KNOB GOBLIN appears where the flying fish had been.

He walks over to the sausage and devours it in three bites, then wanders back towards Cobb's Knob.

"Wow, that was anticlimactic," you think. But the sorceress has been defeated and the way to the imprismed king is clear.

or

The sausage grows a couple of fins made out of questionable meat and animal intestine. It begins to pound the ground with a LETHAL TWIN FIN BEAT.

"This ends now," you say, hoping you sound tougher than you think you do. You squint your eyes and purposefully wave your Wand of Nagamar.

Reality bites, then shifts and twists around you. You're blown backwards by the force of the wand's magic and the sausage's counterattacks. You wave the wand once more and WIN THE FINAL BATTLE.

You pull yourself off the ground and look around. The sausage has vanished, and with it the last threat to the Kingdom. Your way to the imprismed king is now clear.

or

The sausage spins around, grows a disgusting vestigial mouth, and with it MOANS A NAUSEATING SUM. Your stomach begins to churn as sickening mathematical equations bounce off the walls.

"That's it!" you shout. "The line... must be drawn... here!" Your Wand of Nagamar glows extra-brightly as you wave it in complex geometric patterns and SUMMON AN ANTI-SAUSAGE.

The anti-sausage floats over to the sausage. You're almost blown out the top of the tower by the force of the explosion, but when the dust settles you see the sausage has been destroyed and your way to the king is now clear.

or

The sausage whirls violently around and releases a cloud of MURDEROUS MAGENTA SOAPS. They fly toward you, animated with eldritch magic and eager to clean you to the bone.

"That's it! you shout. "I'm not going to lye down and take this!" You wave the Wand of Nagamar in front of you and SUMMON SAUSAGE PREDATOR.

The Sausage Predator, which looks kind of like a man with dreadlocks and a seriously bad complexion, makes short work of the sausage. He then falls into a nearby plot hole and vanishes.

If player level is at 13

Karma.gifYou acquire an item: Instant Karma

If a special challenge path was incurred, a path-dependent statuette is bestowed

Nopic2.gifYou acquire an item: Thwaitgold Data:Thwaitgold
You gain 500 <substat>.

Go back to the Sorceress' Chamber

Notes

  • Encountered in the Lair of the Naughty Sorceress after defeating her second form, however it may vary depending on special challenge runs.
  • Finale of the Naughty Sorceress Quest.
  • The Instant Karma will not drop in a Casual run.
  • The Instant Karma will still drop even if you reach L14 from the substat gain at the end of the fight. It will also drop if you have gone beyond level 13 and delevelled back again.
  • The outcome of this fight is determined by if a Wand of Nagamar is present in a character's inventory. If so, the battle is won instantly. If not, the battle is lost.
  • As of NS13, the Wand of Nagamar only needs to be in a character's inventory to win. Previously, it had to be equipped.
  • Once you have defeated the Sorceress in all three of her forms, this adventure will no longer occur (becomes a one-time adventure).
  • Unlike Forms 1 and 2, a player may only go 30 rounds of combat with Form 3.
  • Also unlike forms 1 and 2, Form 3 does not hinder your familiar in any way.
  • Because of this form's extremely high monster level, a Hovering Sombrero will increase stat gains by its maximum 230.
  • Losing to this form leads to Frank Gets Earnest.
  • This monster cannot be copied.

Alternate Forms

References

  • The complaint of the battle taking too long spoofs many RPGs in which the "final battle" consists of a number of different "forms" of a single boss. This battle may take up to an hour to finish, and usually lacks an immediate "save point" before it. Specific examples possibly being referred to here include the final battle in the Playstation RPG Final Fantasy VII against Sephiroth, also a lengthy three-part battle with no chance to save or rest between stages, or the Yunalesca fight in Final Fantasy X.
  • "The spice is the life" comes from the Dune series of books, and is also mentioned in the Spicy Mouth effect.
  • "There can be only one" and the "Quickening" in one of the Sorceress's death sequences come from the Highlander series of films and television shows.
  • The "sudden ghastly noise" sequence is a reference to the Vogons' destruction of the Earth in Douglas Adams's 1979 book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. "Normality (or what passes for it here) is restored" is also from this book. In addition, in the fifth book in the Hitchhiker's trilogy, the HGGv2 shows the earth as a string of sausages.
  • "The line... must be drawn... here!" is a reference to a line from Captain Jean-Luc Picard in the 1996 movie Star Trek: First Contact, the eighth Star Trek feature film. The line gained Internet popularity due to a popular YTMND page which shows Captain Jean-Luc Picard assisting a student with a geometric problem, with the phrase repeating in the background.
  • "The sausage hiccups, belches, and sends a WAVE OF GASTRIC DISTRESS at you. It's more pleasant than a wave of mutilation, but only barely." This is a brief reference to the Pixies' song "Wave of Mutilation", from their 1989 album Doolittle.
  • "A bolt of energy leaps from the wand to SEND LINK TO THE PAST" is a reference to The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.
  • "Zelll-daaa" is what Ganondorf said as he plummeted into the Evil Realm at the conclusion of the The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
  • "NUKE THE SAUSAGE FROM ORBIT" is a play on a line from Aliens, when Ripley says, "I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
  • The Sausage Predator is a reference to the film Predator.
  • The earliest source of the phrase "You don't love me. You never loved me", appears to be the 1933 novel Vanessa, by Hugh Walpole, which was made into the 1935 movie Vanessa: Her Love Story, starring Robert Montgomery and Helen Hayes.
  • "The anti-sausage floats over to the sausage. You're almost blown out the top of the tower by the force of the explosion" refers to the reaction between matter and anti-matter.
  • In "I'm not going to lye down and take this!" "lye" is a substance used in soap, such as the MURDEROUS MAGENTA SOAPS she sends at you.

History

  • Cobain Dougans was the first person ever to defeat this form without using the Wand of Nagamar. He accomplished this feat as a level 116 Pastamancer with a high experience Evil Teddy Bear as his familiar. He was awarded the golden sausage custom item.
  • DarthDud was the second person to defeat this form without the Wand of Nagamar. He accomplished this feat as a level 44 Sauceror with an overfed Gluttonous Green Ghost as his familiar. He was awarded the silver sausage custom item.
  • The third form has been beaten again, such as with a slime stack, and no other sausages have been given out.