Naughty Sorceress

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NS Spoilers Navigation
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Entrance
The Three Gates
The Perplexing Door
The Stone Mariachis
The Hedge Maze
Tower
The Tower Monsters
The Heavy and Light Doors
The Shadow
Defeating The Naughty Sorceress


The Naughty Sorceress
Monster ID 243
Locations The Sorceress' Chamber
Hit Points 400
Attack 190
Defense 211
No-Hit 200
Initiative
Meat None
Phylum dude
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts torso
Drops
None
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
The Naughty Sorceress You're fighting The Naughty Sorceress

You burst into the final room in the Naughty Sorceress' lair. There, sitting on a huge black throne on a huge black dais, is the Sorceress Herself.

Nothing could have prepared you for how evilly seductive and seductively evil she is. Even though she appears to have bought her wardrobe from Warm Subject -- black leather corset, black leather dress, black leather crown in her long black (not leather) hair, she is a vision of pure malevolent naughtiness.

"Congratulations, adventurer," she says. "You finally made it to me. Now you may know the truth."

"The truth?" You say. "I can't handle the truth! You're the cause of all of this! The monsters, the quests, the bad puns... you did it all! You're so...so...naughty!"

The Sorceress shrugs. "I may be bad," she says, "But I feel gooood. Now, are you sure you really want to fight me? Do you really want to hurt me? <Player Name>... I am your mother!"

"No... it's not true! It's impossible!" You shout.

"Search your feelings... you know it to be true," she says.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" you shout, raising your arms to the sky.

The sorceress cackles. "Well, that was over the top. And I'm not really your mother, stupid. Geez, I could tell you that all your fighting power comes from some lame micro-organism in your bloodstream and you'd believe it. Come up here on the dais and I'll rock you like a hurricane."

"On the dais? On the dais? Rock me on the dais?" You say, enraged. "That's it. Call me the bus driver, because I'm taking you to school." You leap up on the dais for the final battle.

Hit Message(s):

She conjures up an army of naughty little imps, who proceed to impress, impale, and imprint you. Argh! Ouch!

She whips you with her long, black hair. You see a long, black veil comin' down. Argh! Argh!

She rocks you on the dais, as promised. It doesn't feel too wun-wun-wunderbar. Eek! Oof!

She plants one of her big, leather boots square in your <shins>. Ooh! Argh!

She throws whatever those two disembodied-paisley-looking-things are at you. Turns out, whatever they are, they sting like the dickens. Eek! Ow!

Critical Hit Message:

She rends the very fabric of reality, with a noise like the unzipping of the fly of God Almighty. She then gets banned from several school libraries. Ugh! Ugh!

Miss Message(s):

She tries to rend the very fabric of reality, but succeeds only in ripping her dress.

She waves her wand at you and nothing happens. You suggest she wait a half hour and try again.

She tries to cut off your hand, but you grab a handy rope and swing out of the way.

She tries to kick you with her big, leather boots, but you take the leather from her and give her some lace.

She tries to rock you on the dais, but her German isn't good enough.

She tosses her two rotating, disembodied paisleys at you, but you quickly eat them.

  • Dispel all beneficial effects on you (at the start of combat):
The Sorceress points at you and a beam of very sticky light bursts out of her finger. It strikes you and you suddenly feel very, very normal.
  • Familiar debuff (at the start of combat):
She points at [Familiar name] and mutters a curse. [Familiar name] whimpers.
  • Skill block (X chance*):
You prepare to use that skill, but when you look up again, the Sorceress is gone.

"Back here," she says from behind you. You're so startled that you forget what you were doing.


As you attempt to use that skill, the Sorceress points at you and mutters a spell. You're suddenly turned upside down, and you forget what you were about to do in the confusion.


Just as you're about to use that skill, the Sorceress suddenly throws you off by blowing you a kiss. You blush, say "Aww, shucks," and forget to complete your action.
  • Item block (X chance*):
As you pull the (item) out of your pocket, the Sorceress says "Hey, what's that over there?" and points behind you.

You turn around to look, and while you're distracted, she grabs the item from you and throws it off the edge of the tower.

You can't believe you fell for that.


You start to use the <item>, but the Sorceress cackles so evilly that you fumble and drop it. Nasty cackle, man.


The Sorceress grabs the <item> out of your hands before you can use it. "Nice try, slick," she cackles.
  • MP drain (X chance*):
The Sorceress points at you and a beam of blue light shoots out of her middle finger. "Thanks for the pick-me-up," she says, as you feel energy drain from your body.
MPYou lose 12-15 Mana Points.
  • Heal (X chance*):
The Sorceress pulls a tiny red vial out of the folds of her dress and quickly drinks it. "Ahhhhhh," she says, "much better..."

The Sorceress pauses for a moment, mutters some words under her breath, and straightens out her dress. Her skin seems to shimmer for a moment.
  • After 50 rounds of combat with no winner:
The Sorceress suddenly steps back and begins laughing.

"Is this the best you can do? Come back when you can actually put up a fight, instead of just wasting my time!"

With a flick of the Sorceress' finger, you're knocked back down the stairs of the tower.

You lose. You slink away, dejected and defeated.
  • When you defeat her first form (proceed to second form):
You win the fight!

The Sorceress falls to her knees as the final blow lands.

"Graaaaaah!" she cries. "Seriously."

A cloud of black mist begins to gather about her as she writhes on the floor...

Uh oh.

Occurs in The Sorceress' Chamber.

Notes

  • Before the April 2011 changes: The Sorceress's block rate for all types of blocking started at 75%, dropping by 11% when you lose to her. The lowest the block rate could get was 30%, which happened after four losses.
  • In an Avatar of Jarlsberg run, the player sees Of Might and Magic here instead.
  • Defeating the Naughty Sorceress represents the final stages of infiltrating The Lair of The Naughty Sorceress; you may want to possess a Wand of Nagamar if this is your goal. See the quest page for more spoilerific strategy.
  • If you chose to break the mirror, the Sorceress will be immune to all Stuns and Staggers. Plan accordingly.
  • The "Debuff Familiar" action makes your familiars act as if they weigh less than they actually do. For your first three ascensions they act at 75% buffed weight; on subsequent ascensions they act at 66% buffed weight (form 1) or 50% buffed weight (form 2). In all cases, familiar weight is rounded down to a minimum of 0 pounds.
  • She removes all beneficial buffs and status effects, but does not remove intrinsic effects (except Turtle Blessings), nor does she remove some negative status effects, including Apathy, Beaten Up, Goofball Withdrawal, Soul-Crushing Headache and Tetanus.
  • If the Sorceress' Form 1 is de-leveled by 21 or more, she will Shimmer, and remove the de-leveling. This does not happen if she has been de-leveled by less than 21. She will still get an action even when she shrugs the de-leveling.
  • When she heals, it seems to add about 100-125 health. This can take her above her original 400 HP.
  • Sometimes, she can appear to do absolutely nothing on a combat round. This may appear to happen more if she's defeated you several times: in fact, it's most likely because you are using delevelling-type skills or combat items (and succeeding in using them more often), which have a chance of preventing their target acting.
  • If you try to fight her with 0 HP you get a special too beaten up message:
    You're too weak to go on. You'll have to rest before you can get up in the Sorceress' grill.
  • The first form consumes an adventure upon completion of combat against her. If you entered combat with one adventure left, you may continue with the second and third forms even though you have zero adventures remaining.
  • You don't get stats for defeating her first or second form -- you need to defeat her completely to get stats. However, your familiar will receive a kill for each form beaten.
  • If you defeat the Sorceress in her first form but lose to her in her second or third form, you will have to face her again, starting from her first form.
  • This monster cannot be copied.
  • Like the Bonerdagon, she can block your skills and combat items.
    • Letting the Sorceress beat you up will cause her to block fewer of your actions in further attempts. Spading on the AFH forums reveals that letting her beat you up four times will drop her block rate to 30%. More than that will not help.
    • If she blocks your skill/item(s), then your familiar will not be able to act that round.
    • If you use Ambidextrous Funkslinging, then your familiar can attack unless she blocks each of your items separately.
    • If you use a simple weapon attack, then your familiar can act even if you miss.
  • She has a soft damage cap that kicks in if your attack would do more than 111 damage. The actual damage done in that case is (X-111)^.75 + 111, where X is the damage your attack would have done without the cap. This applies to all sources of damage - combat items, regular attacks, spells, and passive damage.

Losing

  • If you take too long to beat her (50 combat rounds), you lose the fight. However you do not lose any additional HP and do not receive the Beaten Up effect when this happens.
  • Sometimes, if you get Beaten Up by her on the first round of her second form, there is no "You lose. You slink away, dejected and defeated." This seems to happen when she gets the jump on you, and hits first.
  • If you get Beaten Up by her, you can get either 3 or 4 adventures of it, depending on whether you get defeated by the first or second form, respectively.

History

  • Prior to some time in 2011 (but after NS13), she had no critical hits, and could never hit anyone with sufficiently high moxie.
  • Before NS13, she scaled to your stats, and you had to wield the Wand of Nagamar (instead of just having it in your inventory).
  • Prior to its removal on May 22, 2013 the following would be received when attempting to use the skill Moxious Maneuver:
You try to land a low blow against the Sorceress, but she outlows you. Or maybe underhighs you. Anyway, dirty tricks don't work so well when your opponent is a thousand times dirtier than you.


You try to pull a sneaky attack on the Sorceress, but she proves one sneakier by conjuring a clone of herself that sneaks up behind you while you're sneaking up behind her.

Very distracting.


You try to trip the Sorceress and embarrass her, but something gets in the way, because she, like a fish, doesn't have any feelings.

Hmm. Hmm.

References

  • The three different forms of the Naughty Sorceress may be a reference to Capcom's Resident Evil Code: Veronica. The final boss, Alexia, appears in three similar forms: one humanoid, one blob-like, and one that flies and can only be defeated by a special weapon.
  • "The truth? I can't handle the truth" is a play on the famous line "You can't handle the truth!" from the 1992 movie A Few Good Men.
  • "I may be bad, but I feel gooood" is a quote from the 1992 movie Army of Darkness.
  • "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" is a song by 1980s pop group Culture Club.
  • The Naughty Sorceress claiming to be your mother is a play on a scene between Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker in the 1980 movie The Empire Strikes Back, where Vader famously informs Luke, "I am your father."
    • The miss message about cutting off your hand is also a reference to the famous scene between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader.
  • The Sorceress's line "I could tell you that all your fighting power comes from some lame micro-organism in your bloodstream and you'd believe it" is a jab at the midi-chlorians from the Star Wars universe.
  • "I'll rock you like a hurricane" refers to the song "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by The Scorpions.
  • The line about "unzipping the fly of God Almighty" is a reference to a line from the Kurt Vonnegut book Slaughterhouse-Five. This line was one of many reasons this book was banned by several public libraries.
  • The miss message "She waves her wand at you and nothing happens. You suggest she wait a half hour and try again," may be a reference to the sexual refractory period.
  • The line about "take the leather from her and give her some lace" refers to the Stevie Nicks song "Leather and Lace," in particular the lines "Give to me your leather / Take from me my lace."
  • "On the dais? On the dais? Rock me on the dais?" refers to "Rock Me Amadeus" by Austrian artist Falco. The "wunderbar" hit and miss messages seemingly refer to the song's German lyrics, while the word itself (meaning "wonderful") is not actually contained in that song.
  • The "wun-wun-derbar" hit and miss messages can also be equally related to the German industrial metal group Rammstein, who use the exact enunciation present in the text, within their song Amerika.
  • "You see a long, black veil comin' down" is an amalgam of two country songs made popular by Johnny Cash, "Long, Black Veil" and "Sunday Morning Comin' Down".
  • "You try to trip the Sorceress and embarrass her, but something gets in the way, because she, like a fish, doesn't have any feelings. Hmm. Hmm." This refers to the Nirvana song "Something in the Way", which contains the line "It's okay to eat fish 'cause they don't have any feelings." The chorus of this song is simply repetitions of the line "Something in the way, hmm, hmm".
  • "She tosses her two rotating, disembodied paisleys at you, but you quickly eat them" is a reference to The Dead Milkmen and their second album, Eat Your Paisley!.
  • "Even though she appears to have bought her wardrobe from Warm Subject" refers to the clothing and accessories store Hot Topic.