Mutant circuit-soldering elf
From TheKolWiki
 You're fighting a mutant circuit-soldering elfThis elf used to be in charge of making all of those new-fangled Crimbo toys -- you know, the ones that boop and beep and don't require any imagination so the kids today with their roller skates and their punk rock music and their saggy pants and their . . .
I'm sorry; I went away for a minute there. The important thing is, you're facing a hulking, mutated monstrosity who is about to brand you with a soldering gun.
Hit Message(s):
He pokes you with the soldering gun. You wish you didn't have tickets to this particular gun show. Oof! Ooh! Ow! Ouch! Ouch!
He swipes you with his claws, leaving festive holiday gashes on your <foot>. Eek! Eek! Ow! Argh! Ow!
He solders a circuit board to your <foot>. Well, at least he didn't weld a dog to your face. Eek! Ooh! Eek! Oof! Oof!
He picks up a high-tech toy and uses it as a low-tech bludgeon. Eek! Oof! Ooh! Oof! Eek!
Critical Hit Message:
He rips your gut open with his claws, then solders several circuit boards into your intestines. Wait, that's too gruesome for our game. Er, you accidentally step on a Lego! Yipe! Argh! Ouch! Argh! Ooh! Ugh!
Miss Message(s):
He tries to fire a ray gun at you, but it's a toy ray gun, so it just emits a tinny "pew pew pew" noise.
He tries to claw you, but his claws aren't sandy enough to do the trick.
He tries to solder a circuit board to you, but you dodge circuitously.
He tries to poke you with the soldering gun, but he's out of ammo. You decide not to tell him soldering guns don't work that way.
Fumble Message:
He catches sight of himself in a mirror and drops his soldering gun, collapsing into a sobbing heap in the corner because of the monster he's become. Happy Crimbo?
Upon reciting The Spirit of Crimbo
or
Occurs at The Atomic Crimbo Toy Factory.
Notes
References
- The elf's hit message about welding a dog may be a reference to Dogwelder, a character from the Garth Ennis series Hitman.
- The elf's miss messsage about not working that way may be an in-game reference to the message you get when attempting to use certain skills with a ranged weapon.
- The miss message in which he tries to claw the player rewords the phrase "sandy claws", a pun on "Santa Claus", like in the stop motion film The Nightmare Before Christmas, in which there's a song where three characters discuss how to "Kidnap the Sandy Claws".
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