Monster Manuel (W)

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There are 101 creatures filed under W, and 1 unobtainable entry.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Wimp.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Demon W imp
  • Life in Hey Deez is pretty harsh, and you might find it strange that a W Imp would stay alive, let alone be part of an important invasion. Luckily, most demons know how important it is to have someone around who makes you look really good by comparison.
  • The Ws that W Imps carry around are to identify them to other demons, so they don't get killed accidentally in the friendly brawls that demons often engage in. That's what the W Imps are told, anyway, usually by someone trying to keep a straight face.
  • W Imps frequently drink wussiness potions to keep them in tip-top form. Er, well, what's the opposite of 'tip-top'? 'Glip-glop'?
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +60%
Wackypirate.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Pirate wacky pirate
  • Wacky pirates know sleight-of-hand and can pull a piece of eight from behind your ear.
  • Wacky pirates use joy buzzers made out of a stingray's tail.
  • Wacky pirates use a flask full of grog instead of a seltzer bottle. They're very popular at parties.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 110 Initiative +50%
Iceguy3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Wacky Zack Flacky
  • Don't take any gum from ol' Zack! If you do,
    It'll taste just like garlic or turn your teeth blue.
  • Wacky Zack Flacky has special fake vomit,
    That cannot be cleaned up with Ajax or Comet.
  • Wacky Zack has a lampshade on his head,
    And we won't remove it. We're happy he's dead.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Mush shrieking.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Plant wailing mushroom guy
  • Mushrooms are allergic to most citrus fruits.
  • Mushrooms can be sliced and braided into excellent fishing line.
  • Most mushrooms cannot count higher than fourteen.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Never wins initiative
Waiterninja.gif Nicesword.gif 142 This monster is a Dude waiter dressed as a ninja
  • The waiter dressed as a ninja is lousy at ninjitsu, but can balance a tray with 15 drinks on it.
  • The waiter dressed as a ninja can fill a glass with one of those weird side-pour pitchers without getting any on the ground.
  • I guess when you really think about it, the waiter dressed as a ninja is a ninja in his own right.
Whiteshield.gif 142 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +25%
Gothskeleton.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead walking skeleton
  • Why don't skeletons drink lemonade? Because it's too sour.
  • Why do skeletons walk? Because they don't have drivers licenses.
  • What kind of hat does a skeleton wear? A homburg.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Wallofbones.gif Nicesword.gif 1000 This monster is Undead wall of bones
  • When you're born, you have 270 bones, but as you mature they fuse together into just 206, unless you are this wall, in which case way more.
  • Bone units can be confusing. This wall consists of 400 megabones, or 666.667 bags of bones.
  • The mortal enemy of the wall of bones is the wall of dogs.
Whiteshield.gif 1000 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20000 Never wins initiative
Noart.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is an Elemental wall of meat
  • Walls of meat are really inefficient. It takes four hundred walls of grass to produce just one.
  • Cooking a wall of meat would technically be arson.
  • The Earl of Sandwich's house had one of these between two walls of bread.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 700 Never wins initiative
Wallofskin.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Construct wall of skin
  • About 60% of the dust in the Kingdom is actually dead cells sloughed off from this specific wall.
  • Wall of Skin is also the name of one of Phil Spector's weirder side projects.
  • The cells in the wall of skin die off and are regrown very quickly. Because of this, every seven years the wall of skin is totally disgusting.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Never wins initiative
Wannabecowboy.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude wannabe gunslinger
  • Paper caps were originally invented as a cheap alternative for bullets, and then were re-branded as childrens' toys when it turned out you couldn't actually shoot anyone with them.
  • Although being a professional gunslinger is a glamorous life, it's also a very short one. At the time, there was no cure for syphilis.
  • Gunslingers became much more dangerous once they figured out they could shoot people with their guns instead of throwing them with improvised slings.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Warfratc.gif Nicesword.gif 172 This monster is an Orc War Frat 110th Infantryman
  • Armchair quarterbacks subsist on a diet of fat, sugar, salt, and beer. So, y'know, they're like any college freshman.
  • Armchair infantrymen always know exactly what each soldier should have done to win the fight he just lost.
  • Their foresight has led the Frat Generals to consider hiring them as tacticians, or just mowing them down with an SUV.
Whiteshield.gif 154 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +40%
Warfrata2.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is an Orc War Frat 151st Captain
  • The Captain is on his 12th liver transplant, and they're running out of new pledges to volunteer theirs.
  • You and the Captain make it happen, if what you're trying to make happen is getting beat to a pulp.
  • If you top a cocktail with a shot of 151 rum, you can light it on fire. If you don't blow it out before you drink it, you can light lots of other things, too -- your eyebrows, nose hair, the tape on your glasses...
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 205 Initiative +50%
Warfrata.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is an Orc War Frat 151st Infantryman
  • Members of the 151st are so full of alcohol that they're actually flammable. Toss a match on one and he'll go up like a torch.
  • When members of the 151st die in battle, they don't need to be embalmed.
  • Sweat off the 151st infantrymen can be used to make pickles.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +40%
Warfratb.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is an Orc War Frat 500th Infantrygentleman
  • Infantry from the 500th are rarely promoted to be officers in other platoons, because they tend to get fragged by their own subordinates almost immediately.
  • The main advantage of having the 500th Infantry Division on your side is that they bring expensive microbrewed beer to the keggers. That's always a plus, when you're pouring it into a funnel and straight down your neck.
  • Given that these guys are almost uniformly selfish douchebags bordering on the sociopathic, it's amazing how frequently they get elected to political office. I guess everyone dreams of being rich enough to be a sociopathic douchebag themselves.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +40%
Warfratc2.gif Nicesword.gif 190 This monster is an Orc War Frat Elite 110th Captain
  • Members of the Armchair Infantry draw hazard pay if they have to sit on a cold stadium bench instead of a comfy chair.
  • Members of the Armchair Infantry keep in fightin' trim (well, fat) by eating a diet of hot wings, snack foods, and copious amounts of beer.
  • At least most Armchair Infantrymen wear underwear with the body paint.
Whiteshield.gif 171 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 215 Initiative +50%
Warfratb2.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is an Orc War Frat Elite 500th Captain
  • The War Frat 500th Infantry Division makes up approximately 1% of the total War Frat army.
  • The War Frat Elite 500th Captain is actually monster #500 in the database. Rumors that hefty bribes were involved in getting him that number are probably inaccurate.
  • The Fortunate 500s naturally provide most of the funding for the Frat army. In exchange, they get patent rights to any new weapons developed, and their publishing companies have right of first refusal on any memoirs written by the soldiers.
Whiteshield.gif 171 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +50%
Warfratsp2.gif Nicesword.gif 195 This monster is an Orc War Frat Elite Wartender
  • Other mercenaries hired by the Frat Boys include DJs, strippers, and bail bondsmen, but they're all working at the afterparty.
  • Cocktail juggling was originally invented as a way to distract patrons, so they wouldn't notice how much water was going into the drinks.
  • Other professions have experimented with juggling while performing their duties. Special laws had to be enacted to stop surgeons, morticians, and bomb-disposal squads.
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +70%
Warfratgr.gif Nicesword.gif 190 This monster is an Orc War Frat Grill Sergeant
  • The War Frat Grill Sergeant's bratwursts are so good they're technically bratbests.
  • The Grill Sergeant's apron pockets contain three different kinds of mustard, four bottles of pepper sauce, and a bottle opener shaped like a naked lady.
  • The Grill Sergeant never paddles pledges; he prefers to force them to eat raw bat meat instead.
Whiteshield.gif 148 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Warfratar.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is an Orc War Frat Kegrider
  • Kegriders have to prove they can stay atop a keg for at least eight seconds (the average Frat Orc attention span) before they're let onto the battlefield.
  • Frat orcs get their furniture dollies the old-fashioned way: they call a moving company, distract the movers while they steal the dollies, then sneak off.
  • The Kegrider's battle cry is "For Schlitz! For Willer! For Bros before Hos!"
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +20%
Warfratmo.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is an Orc War Frat Mobile Grill Unit
  • Sure the Mobile Grill Unit is flashy, but it has terrible fuel economy; it gets less than 18 KPDMS.
  • KPDMS stands for "Kilometers Per Dense Meat Stack," a standard measurement for fuel economy in the Kingdom.
  • On the highway it's closer to 20 KPDMS, but there aren't any highways in the Kingdom.
Whiteshield.gif 162 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 190 Initiative +70%
Warfratgr2.gif Nicesword.gif 210 This monster is an Orc War Frat Senior Grill Sergeant
  • People have been known to sell their souls for sillier things than grill expertise. Getting out of parking tickets is more common than you might expect, for instance. And then there's the guys who wish to be "bigger" -- that one never goes well.
  • Since the advent of grid-based city planning, crossroads have become much more common than they used to be. If you let your kids go out trick-or-treating on All Hallow's Eve, make sure they're back before midnight.
  • The first lesson every War Frat Grill Sergeant learns in his training is: never buy hot sauce with a funny name and/or a skull on the bottle. Those are only for dares and pranks, not for eating.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Streaker.gif Nicesword.gif 220 This monster is an Orc War Frat Streaker
  • The War Frat Streaker will probably grow up to make ten times as much meat in a day as you do in a year. Depressing, eh?
  • Those who stare directly at the War Frat Streaker end up in a padded cell screaming about trauma moths.
  • The War Frat Streaker never gets arrested for indecent exposure, because doing so would involve touching him.
Whiteshield.gif 198 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 350 Initiative +100%
Warfratsp.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is an Orc War Frat Wartender
  • The Wartender managed to make a kind of napalm out of a piña colada by substituting dry ice for the regular stuff.
  • The last Wartender to be cremated had absorbed so much booze through his skin that he burned for eight days.
  • The Wartender had a natural aptitude for making cocktails, as evidenced by the Lemon Drop stand he ran as a kid.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +70%
Warhipb.gif Nicesword.gif 165 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy (space) cadet
  • Yes, the War Hippy recycles a joke from the wild-eyed poet. It's called being environmentally responsible.
  • The War Hippy is at constant conflict with himself - his anger versus his longing for peace, his longhair tendencies versus the desire to sport a buzzcut, the need to suffer stoically and his epic munchies...
  • Remember, kids, opium is very very bad for you, even if you happen to be an 18th century sailor. I'm going to say especially if you're an 18th century sailor.
Whiteshield.gif 148 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +40%
Warhipac2.gif Nicesword.gif 195 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Airborne Commander
  • It's hard to train a ferret to fly a glider, but it's pretty easy to strap a ferret into a glider and throw it at someone.
  • Ferrets are easily distracted by shiny objects. This is an example of their lack of advanced reaso -- ooh, there's a quarter on the sidewalk!
  • A baby ferret is called a "kit." That doesn't mean you have to assemble it yourself, nor should you try using an allen wrench on any part of any ferret.
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +70%
Warhipb.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Baker
  • Hippy Bakers can make almost anything with that sickly-sweet herb the hippies like: brownies that taste like that herb, cookies that taste like the herb, shrimp cocktail that ... you get the idea.
  • Hippy Bakers frequently forget that they started cooking something, which explains their discovery of Blackened Cajun Nachos.
  • You know what would be awesome right now? Some taquitos and a big jar of peanut butter, man.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +40%
Warhipar.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Dread Squad
  • War Hippy Dread Squads are universally unable to perceive the color chartreuse.
  • If you stacked all of the War Hippy Dread Squads on top of each other, you would still be able to smell the top one.
  • Didgeridooka rockets are made from all-natural ingredients: sulfur, saltpeter, charcoal, and ginseng.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +20%
Warhipds.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy drill sergeant
  • Drill sergeants are called that because if you don't do what they tell you, they'll tear you a new hole.
  • The military does not accept minotaurs that were born in Texas, because the drill sergeants can't figure out how to insult them.
  • Since hippies tend to be a quiet, peaceful lot, the hippy drill sergeants generally find threats like "I'll totally harsh your mellow!" to be sufficient motivators.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +60%
Warhipsh2.gif Nicesword.gif 210 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Elder Shaman
  • One of the reasons old hippy lady magic is so powerful is a lifetime of inhaling the fumes from burning bras.
  • Old hippy ladies are embroiled in a constant struggle between their teeth and their morals to see which is the loosest.
  • The flowing skirts worn by old hippy ladies predate modern safety guidelines, and are therefore extremely flammable.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +20%
Warhipfs2.gif Nicesword.gif 190 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Elite Fire Spinner
  • The hippy's poi are made of teflon -- locally-sourced, cruelty-free, organic teflon.
  • The fuel that the hippy drinks to breathe fire is the same as the stuff the frat boys drink to puke rainbows.
  • The fire hippy's dreadlocks are so crusty they're actually fireproof.
Whiteshield.gif 184 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 230 Initiative +50%
Warhipc2.gif Nicesword.gif 190 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Elite Rigger
  • Jerry's Riggers always carry a length of rope, a bag full of seashells, and a flint-and-steel on their person at all times. Oh, not for making bombs -- they just like those things.
  • The final exam to become one of Jerry's Riggers involves being locked in a room full of sweet-smelling smoke with only a locked vending machine full of Cheat-o's in it.
  • The number one occupational hazard of being one of the 1965th is accidental self-immolation, followed closely by a wicked case of the munchies.
Whiteshield.gif 171 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 215 Initiative +50%
Warhipa2.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy F.R.O.G.
  • Because nobody wants to get near them, War Hippy F.R.O.G.s make excellent messengers, who can transport news across the entire battlefield without being stopped. However, once they arrive at base, nobody wants to be the one to receive the message.
  • The Frat Orcs have attempted to duplicate the success of the F.R.O.G. squads by equipping their own soldiers with large supplies of cheap body spray. It's not quite as effective, but they're definitely getting close.
  • When they aren't out in the field, War Hippy F.R.O.G.s are equipped with an ingenious device known as the "reverse gas-mask".
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 205 Initiative +50%
Warhipfs.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Fire Spinner
  • The fire-bags are called 'poi' because they used to be filled with a traditional Polynesian porridge made from ground taro root, which is highly flammable. Nowadays, synthetic fillings have largely replaced it.
  • Most hobbies of this sort boil down to shouting "Hey everybody, look at me!", but hippies, being pretty fundamentally boring, often need to kick it up an extra notch. The next logical step is sword-swallowing.
  • The best-known hippy fire-spinner was Wallace "Dragonfly" Morton, who got a job as one of those airport runway flashlight-guys, but was quickly fired after the accident.
Whiteshield.gif 175 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +50%
Warhipb2.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Green Gourmet
  • Green Gourmets make a to-die-for Kush Quiche.
  • They also have perfected Fettuccine White Widow.
  • Not to mention the Satori and Meatballs.
Whiteshield.gif 171 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +50%
Warhipmd.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Homeopath
  • Hippy homeopaths believe that the more you dilute something, the stronger it gets. They can make the entire hippy camp drunk by putting a drop of booze in the camp's water supply.
  • Hippy homeopaths take a holistic approach to medicine. For instance, if your leg is broken, you might just need a hug.
  • The homeopath's favorite scent is lavender, at a concentration of 1/1,000 ppm with water.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +30%
Warhipa.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Infantryman
  • Gaia's Armpit infantrymen have a smell that registers a 10.0 on the odormeter, where 1 is "fresh spring day" and 15 is "your mom."
  • Gaia's Armpit infantrymen weave their own wicker shields, imbuing each strand with their stench.
  • Gaia's Armpit infantrymen actually do shower with soap, it's just their soap is a homemade organic patchouli-skunk extract concoction. Hey, skunk extract is, like, perfect for your skin, man.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +40%
Warhipmd2.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Naturopathic Homeopath
  • Homeopathic medicine works by adding a small dose of a toxic substance to water, and then repeatedly diluting it until all the money has been removed from the patient.
  • In order to prevent aura contamination, a homeopath's sickest patients are generally quarantined in sealed lead boxes.
  • The Earth's life energy is transmitted around the globe in "ley lines", which can be used to make free international telephone calls if you have the correct adapter plugs.
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +30%
Warhipc.gif Nicesword.gif 172 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Rigger
  • Each Jerry's Rigger knows how to make four hundred and twenty different bombs with various household objects.
  • In peacetime, Jerry's Riggers spend their time making imaginative glass sculptures for holding incense.
  • Jerry's Riggers are all fans of the Happy Deceased, a legendary jam band. Their favorite song is the same one the band's been playing for the past forty years.
Whiteshield.gif 154 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +40%
Warhipsh.gif Nicesword.gif 190 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Shaman
  • Gaia is honestly kind of getting tired of these guys. All the time it's "Gaia, hear me!" and "Gaia, help me!" Come on guys, stand on your own two sandals for five minutes, huh?
  • Hippies tend to be distrustful of organized religion. Naturally, they've responded by making their own religion as disorganized and baffling as humanly possible.
  • These particular hippies believe that when you die, your soul gets recycled with all the other souls, and used to make carpet and shampoo bottles.
Whiteshield.gif 148 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Warhipac.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Sky Captain
  • The best way to train a ferret to fly a biplane is to start by teaching it to ride a bicycle. Baby steps, people.
  • The War Hippy Sky Captain develops an almost telepathic relationship with her ferrets by sleeping in a hammock, chasing shiny objects, and bathing herself with her tongue.
  • The War Hippy Sky Captain drinks a lot to take her mind off the inherent contradiction of attacking people for peace. Granted, she's drinking herbal tea, but still, she ought to cut back.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +70%
Hippyspy.gif Nicesword.gif 165 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Spy
  • One way to spot a hippy spy is by what she's drinking. Does it have hemp seeds floating in it? Or does it smell of patchouli oil?
  • If you spot a war hippy spy, be careful not to blow her cover! Er, unless you're fighting for the frat boys, I guess. Honestly, modern politics is so confusing.
  • The most famous war hippy spy was Starlight "Candi" Moonriver, who successfully discovered the frat orcs' secret handshake. It was a real feat, since the orcs invented it during a three-day weekend, and none of them could ever remember how it went.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +60%
Warhipcm.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is a Hippy War Hippy Windtalker
  • The Windtalker code for "need a bathroom break" is "Baa baa black sheep." Unfortunately the code for "Air Strike to this location" is the alphabet song. There have been hundreds of casualties already.
  • The Windtalker code for "evacuate civilians from this area" is the entire guitar solo from "November Rain."
  • The Windtalker code for "send reinforcements" is the opening piano riff from "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"
Whiteshield.gif 162 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +80%
Fratboy.gif Nicesword.gif 165 This monster is an Orc War Pledge
  • War Pledges are commonly used as cannon-fodder, and to distract the enemy with their little maid outfits.
  • Roughly twelve percent of pledges are killed, not by enemy attacks, but from alcohol poisoning at victory keggers.
  • Pledges are commonly given full rank priviledges after their first real mission, such as scouting out the enemy forces with a lit candle clenched in their buttcheeks.
Whiteshield.gif 148 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +40%
Warbear12.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast Warbear Foot Soldier
  • Armored polar bears are the only natural predator of the armored penguin, and essential for keeping that population in check.
  • Armored polar bears can't swim--the armor's too heavy and it would short out the cybernetic enhancements. It's a bit of a design flaw.
  • The armored polar bear technology is far more advanced than any in the Kingdom, but somewhat more primitive than the El Vibrato Island constructs.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Warbear22.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast Warbear Officer
  • Mid-level warbear officers have access to the officer's mess, but not the officer's hot springs and jacuzzi tubs.
  • Mid-level warbear officers spend more time pushing paper than disemboweling enemies, but it's a rung on the career ladder.
  • Mid-level warbear officers get slightly fancier armor, but less R&R time.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Nightstand1.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Construct Wardröb nightstand
  • Lady Spookyraven was never satisfied with one nightstand, unlike your mom.
  • Lady Spookyraven's nightstand collection was going to be sent to a museum, until they found out all the nightstands were demonically possessed.
  • Wardröb is part of a bedroom set that includes the Laundrihämpr bed and the Mättress wardrobe. It's like they're deliberately screwing with us.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Never wins initiative
Warehouseclerk.gif Nicesword.gif 220 This monster is a Dude warehouse clerk
  • The clerks rotate which aisles they check every day, so none of them get too bored from seeing the same crates over and over.
  • This clerk's personal favorite crate is #241-992-78.
  • Based on a checkmark using about 1/2" of ink, a pen having about 1 km worth of ink inside, and about three seconds per checkmark written in an eight-hour shift, she has calculated that she should go through a pen approximately every 8.2 days.
Whiteshield.gif 240 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +200%
Warehouseguard.gif Nicesword.gif 210 This monster is a Dude warehouse guard
  • It's certainly not an exciting or creatively fulfilling job, but he does get plenty of exercise.
  • He's not supposed to listen to audiobooks and podcasts while he's on shift, but he totally does.
  • His supervisors have mollified his interest in the contents of the crates by explaining that they're all meaningless and essentially interchangeable.
Whiteshield.gif 230 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +50%
Warehousejanitor.gif Nicesword.gif 230 This monster is a Dude warehouse janitor
  • Regular feather-dusters wear out too fast, so they use industrial-strength ones made of bat wings.
  • For a while, the janitors got to use rideable mopping machines instead of regular push-mops, but that experiment was cancelled when it was discovered that they were kind of fun.
  • One time, one of the janitors found a five-dollar bill on the floor while he was cleaning. He never shuts up about it, and it drives his coworkers nuts.
Whiteshield.gif 230 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 230 Initiative +150%
Warehouseguy.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Dude warehouse worker
  • The warehouse worker gets time-and-a-half if he beats up more than forty adventurers in a week.
  • The warehouse worker's steel-toed boots are far more effective than the lasagna-toed ones he used to wear.
  • The leading cause of workman's comp for Stella's warehouse workers is getting snapped by a snapping turtle.
Whiteshield.gif 144 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +75%
Wartdinsey.gif Nicesword.gif 700 This monster is a Construct Wart Dinsey
  • Wart Dinsey's first job was a paper route. He liked it, because it meant he didn't have to buy the newspapers he used for making ransom notes.
  • Wart Dinsey spent a few years as an ambulance driver. He didn't get paid for it, he just enjoyed stealing ambulances and driving them into canals.
  • As a teenager, Wart Dinsey worked at a jelly factory. This gave him a lifelong affinity for the sort of quivering, jelly-like substance he would eventually become when they removed everything except his brain.
Whiteshield.gif 700 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +250%
Wartpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Pirate warty pirate
  • The warty pirate's warts are actually due to a curse, brought on by stealing ancient gold from toad-worshipping cultists. As curses go, it could be worse.
  • The best way to prevent warts is to make sure you get plenty of vitamin C. Wait, or maybe that's scurvy. Never mind.
  • The wartiest pirate on record was Night Sky Cullen, who was called that because the warts on his back actually formed a fairly reliable astronomical chart, which his captain used as a navigational aid.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 110 Initiative +50%
Werewolf.gif Nicesword.gif 4 This monster is a Dude warwelf
  • The warwelf is technically a skin walker, Texas skin ranger.
  • The warwelf is a werewolf from a country where no one can say the word "werewolf." It's incredibly damaging to his psyche.
  • All were and war creatures in the Kingdom have their transformations governed by a non-visible third moon, which is always full.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2 Initiative +50%
Wigwasp.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug wasp in a wig
  • The wasp's wig is wool, as alliteration demands.
  • Unlike bees, wasps can sting as many times as they like without dying. Seriously, screw wasps, man.
  • One time, Mr. Skullhead got stung in the lip by a wasp.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Wastoid.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude wastoid
  • The wastoid's Latin name is woahus dudeus.
  • The wastoid's favorite hobby is watching movies while playing different albums to see if they sync up. You know, like Pulp Fiction and Phish's "Billy Breathes."
  • Seriously, like, when Zed is putting the ball-gag on Butch, the Phish song goes, "I can't talk my talk with you." It's creepy.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Waterspider.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Bug water spider
  • Water spiders can't actually breathe water -- they breathe air through eight tiny nostrils on the bottoms of their feet.
  • Water spiders thing that itsy bitsy spider from the nursery rhyme is a schmuck.
  • The most famours water spider was named Spider Waters. He had an extremely creepy moustache.
Whiteshield.gif 117 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Waterseal.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Demon watertight seal
  • Acquatic[sic] hellseals can stay underwater for more than an hour on a single lungful of air. Consequently, they are among the world's best apple-bobbers.
  • Acquatic[sic] hellseal skins are used by the Northlanders to make excellent waterproof raincoats. Since it's too cold to rain in the Frigid Northlands, nobody knows why they do this.
  • A special gland in the acquatic[sic] hellseal's face exudes a strong sour-smelling musk, which many Northlanders use as a cologne to disguise foul body odors. (Covering them up with an even fouler odor counts as 'disguise'.)
Whiteshield.gif 315 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Never wins initiative
Richpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Pirate wealthy pirate
  • Fighting the wealthy pirate technically counts as class warfare, unless you're wealthy yourself. Then it's just business.
  • The wealthy pirate has most of his meat tied up in investments, so he's actually pretty cash-poor at any given point.
  • The wealthy pirate has three homes, a yacht, and a pet boaraffe. But he doesn't have love, so he can't be truly happy. Keep telling yourself that.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 110 Initiative +50%
Borgelf3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct Weapons-Assembly Elfborg
  • Man, what did the hivemind do before they had this guy? Just throw bullets at people?
  • "Oh, here's your problem," he said when they assimilated him. "Your weapons are all in bits." "Ohhh," they replied, smacking their foreheads.
  • Honestly, they should pay this guy a lot more. That wouldn't even be hard, since I'm pretty sure none of them get paid anything.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Never wins initiative
Weatherug.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid weather underground dweller
  • You know what they say -- If you don't like the weather, wait a minute and this guy will change it for you.
  • If you've ever wondered who'll stop the rain, it's probably this guy, looking out his back door.
  • The weather control device these guys use has a switch on it whose only function is to shock the guy holding the device. They often lament at length that their lives are so dependent on a machine designed by a sadist.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cavewomyn.gif Nicesword.gif 8 This monster is a Dude werecougar
  • Werecougars emit pheremones to attract the opposite sex, regardless of which form they're currently in.
  • Werecougars frequently have their lips smeared with red, regardless of which form they're currently in.
  • Werecougars hiss and arch their backs when confronted, regardless of which form they're currently in.
Whiteshield.gif 7 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 6 Initiative +50%
Weremoose.gif Nicesword.gif 63 This monster is a Beast Weremoose
  • Due to the changing fortunes of global currency, the Weremoose's buck is currently more powerful than a regular monster's.
  • Moose, like your mom, can weigh upwards of 800 pounds.
  • At least when the Weremoose bumps into you, he says sorry. Sure, he pronounces it so it rhymes with "story," but it's the thought that counts.
Whiteshield.gif 56 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 53 Initiative +70%
Weretaco.gif Nicesword.gif 16 This monster is a Beast Weretaco
  • Weretacos only come in "crunchy" variety now, as the soft ones were hunted to extinction years ago.
  • Some weretacos are filled with chorizo, some with carnitas, and some with barbacoa.
  • Weretacos can be wounded by any weapon, but can only be killed by being pierced in the guacamole with a silver fork.
Whiteshield.gif 14 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +60%
Hunter14.gif Nicesword.gif 197 This monster is a Dude Wesley J. "Wes" Campbell
  • Wes has a cult following as a zombie hunter, but has never really broken into the mainstream of zombie hunting.
  • Most of Wes's zombie hunting exploits are low-budget and campy, but still entertaining.
  • Wes's first two zombie hunting expeditions were pretty scary, but now they're more funny than frightening.
Whiteshield.gif 207 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 280 Initiative +140%
Wetseal.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is a Demon wet seal
  • The grease the wet seal secretes is both an industrial-strength lubricant and a dessert topping!
  • Regular seals are born. Hellseals are hatched. Their eggs are a delicacy absolutely nowhere.
  • When applied topically, wet seal grease has slight healing powers. When applied alphabetically, it does not.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Never wins initiative
Badvibe5.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird what you totally should have said that one time
  • "Sorry, you'll have to speak English -- I don't know a single word of Jackass."
  • "That's tough talk coming from someone who wears their butthole on the front of their head."
  • "At least I know the difference between an electric shaver and a pig rectum."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Aboo who.gif Nicesword.gif 78 This monster is Undead Whatsian Commando Ghost
  • The Professor can change his appearance and regenerate when badly damaged. For some reason, he's always kind of weird-looking no matter how often he regenerates, though.
  • The Professor's ionic pliers can affect every substance in the known universe except for wood. We're not sure why.
  • The Professor comes from a planet where everyone gives his or herself a name based on their career goals. Steer clear of the Shop Teacher and the Career Felon if you ever visit.
Whiteshield.gif 62 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 40 Never wins initiative
Tree willow.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Plant Whimpering Willow
  • The willowy bark of the Whimpering Willow
    Can cure you of headaches, and cushion your pillow.
  • Willows are full of a watery sap,
    Make sure you avoid all that sticky sap crap!
  • A Willow tree has stoloniferous roots,
    If you know what that means, then you're pretty smart, toots!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Piratem.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Pirate whiny pirate
  • The whine of the whiny pirate can reach an impressive 5.3 Megadursts on the Annoyance Scale.
  • No, the whiny pirate *doesn't* want cheese to go with that whine. He doesn't! He doesn't wanna have any!
  • It's considered horribly bad luck to drop a whiny pirate overboard, which is the only reason everyone doesn't do that every day.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 110 Initiative +50%
Surv whiny.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude whiny survivor
  • Seriously, screw the whiny survivor. He almost ruined that movie -- er, I mean, that adventure on the moons.
  • Sadly, the whiny survivor continues surviving much longer than you'd like him to.
  • Ironically, the whiny survivor is an entymologist, so he's pretty good on an actual bug hunt.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Pa whisk.gif Nicesword.gif 9 This monster is Weird Whisk of Misery
  • The Pretentious Artist is so pretentious he actually pronounces the 'h' in 'whisk.'
  • If you use non-stick pans, you should use a whisk where the loops are coated in silicon to avoid scratching your cookware.
  • The wire loops on a whisk are actually called "woppets." Strange but false!
Whiteshield.gif 11 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 12 Initiative +50%
Whitebonedemon.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Demon White Bone Demon
  • According to the mythology, the White Bone Demon was not born a demon, but rather was a regular skeleton that later became a demon. Wouldn't it suck if that happened to your skeleton?
  • The White Bone Demon shares a name with a character from Marvel Comics' "Ghost Rider" series. This did not make my research any easier.
  • Spoiler alert: Katherine is Evelyn's sister and her daughter.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +100%
Chocgolem.gif Nicesword.gif 37 This monster is a Construct white chocolate golem
  • The white chocolate golems and dark chocolate golems actually get along quite well, which is a good example for us all.
  • White chocolate golems, when they're driving a car, they be driving like this.
  • Although less delicious than milk chocolate golems, white chocolate golems are just as deadly.
Whiteshield.gif 32 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 21 Initiative +70%
Whiteelephant.gif Nicesword.gif 45 This monster is a Beast white elephant
  • There's no such thing as a white elephant preserve, because nobody wants white elephants around.
  • There's no such thing as white elephant preserves, because nobody wants to put white elephants on toast.
  • There's no such thing as white elephant preservers, because nobody wants a white elephant on their boat.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Lion.gif Nicesword.gif 36 This monster is a Beast white lion
  • Popular song notwithstanding, the lion prefers to sleep on the Savannah, not in the jungle.
  • Female lions do all the hunting. Male lions hang out with each other all day while the women bring them food. So, y'know, ladies, it's just nature's way, am I right?
  • A lion's mane and a rhinoceros' horn are made out of the same stuff. The more you know...
Whiteshield.gif 31 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 21 Initiative +60%
Zombie2.gif Nicesword.gif 38 This monster is Undead white zombie
  • Would it surprise you if I said someone ate the heads off the little bride and groom on the wedding cake? No?
  • A 'white zombie' is also a drink made with milk, dark rum, and blowfish tetrodotoxin. Not recommended.
  • Yes, I could have spent some time looking up White Zombie lyrics for these factoids, but I've just had to do with with KISS and that had like seven monsters, so no.
Whiteshield.gif 33 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 21 Initiative +70%
Whitesnake.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Beast whitesnake
  • Whitesnakes were nearly hunted into extinction, because their skins were a very popular material for the fashion industry. Fortunately, it was discovered that equally tacky results could be had with plastic.
  • Whitesnakes are also white on the inside, except for their lungs, which are blue.
  • Whitesnakes look rather different than they used to, and this has never really been explained, but at least they don't have weird forehead ridges.
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 21 Initiative +60%
C18beaver.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast wild beaver
  • "Beave" is an old English word meaning "build a crude edifice near water."
  • Because of this, lake hobos are technically also beavers.
  • Ironically, no beavers live near Lake Hobo, because Lake County's strict permitting requirements drove them all to more permissive nearby lakes.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Wildgirl.gif Nicesword.gif 325 This monster is a Dude wild girl
  • Wild girls can't be tamed, but they can be taught to run with the wolves.
  • Wild girls are actually better equipped to survive in a wild world, where it's hard to get by just on a smile.
  • If you journey to the island where the wild girls are, if they say, "we'll eat you up, we love you so," they're not being metaphorical. Run.
Whiteshield.gif 350 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 450 Initiative +100%
C18moose.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast wild moose
  • The plural of moose is moose.
  • A group of moose is called a moose of moose.
  • The word moose is remarkable because it can be repeated any number of times and always produce a valid sentence.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
C18reindeer.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast wild reindeer
  • These were called reindeer even before animals were domesticated and reins were invented.
  • You see, "rein" was an archaic word for "rain," and reindeer would often appear in larger numbers after a rainstorm because they'd be out looking for melons.
  • If a reindeer eats a melon and part of the outside of the melon gets stuck in the reindeer's ear, you'd say that the reindeer has a serious case of rind-ear.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
C18walrus.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast wild walrus
  • The walrus was named when a Canadian guy asked his friend Russ what that animal over by the wall was.
  • Canadians are the only arctic civilization we know of that came up with a word for wall before they came up with a word for walrus.
  • In an unrelated coincidence, they also used the name Russ before they even moved from caves to bulidings with walls. The three most common Cavecanadian mens' names were Thag, Ugg, and Russ.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Wiresculpture.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct wire sculpture
  • In a stick-figure world like the Kingdom, wire sculpture is actually the easiest way to do incredibly accurate portraiture.
  • Wire sculptures used to be made out of wire hangers until Faye Dunaway went nuts about it and they switched.
  • At least when you make a wire sculpture, you get to use that "this is my art, and it's extremely dangerous!" line.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +40%
Chess bbishop.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is a Dude Witchess Bishop
  • Bishops move diagonally because religion is anything but straightforward.
  • Bishops' pointy hats are often set up with grounding wires, to act as lightning rods.
  • Young, pretty-boy bishops are called bishoupnen.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Chess bking.gif Nicesword.gif 6 This monster is a Dude Witchess King
  • In the old days, kings fought in their own battles just because otherwise it would take them like a fortnight to find out what the hell had happened.
  • Kings have pointy crowns to discourage hoboes from sleeping on their heads at night.
  • No king without a beard has ever been worth a damn.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2000 Never wins initiative
Chess bknight.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Dude Witchess Knight
  • People are sometimes suprised to learn that the white knights can jump.
  • You'd think the knight's heavy armor would make it hard for the horse to jump like that. I mean, I certainly do.
  • The knight's move is less a metaphor for a horse's mobility than the fact that they're figity, flighty bastards.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Chess box.gif Nicesword.gif 5 This monster is a Beast Witchess Ox
  • Why aren't more than one fox "foxen"?
  • The ox was invented in the early 1400s by Sir Walter Ox, who felt that cows weren't burly enough.
  • Having oxen on the battlefield is handy for the celebratory barbecue afterward. Especially if your opponents also brought some.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Chess bpawn.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Dude Witchess Pawn
  • Most good-quality chess sets come with 9 pawns (12 in Witchess), so you have a spare if one is lost. If your set is missing this spare pawn, you should complain to the shop.
  • The first pawns were made of solid gold, and were handy if the owner of the set needed a small short-term loan.
  • In the earliest versions of chess, pawns could not move at all, which made for extremely long games.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Chess bqueen.gif Nicesword.gif 8 This monster is a Dude Witchess Queen
  • When a queen dies, it is considered impolite to sing "Another One Bites the Dust".
  • Queens can communicate with each other via telepathy and pheromone signals.
  • In the past, if two queens met, they ware obligated to fight to the death for ownership of their countries. Nowadays they play whist.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 4000 Never wins initiative
Chess brook.gif Nicesword.gif 4 This monster is a Construct Witchess Rook
  • Maybe they're called rooks because people drop rocks on you from the top of them, and people kept pronouncing it weird.
  • Or maybe they're called rooks because of all the carrion birds that show up after the battle.
  • Well no, actually they're actually called rooks because of the Persian word for 'chariot', or something. But it isn't a funny reason, so whatever.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Chess bwitch.gif Nicesword.gif 7 This monster is a Dude Witchess Witch
  • It's rare to find witches on battlefields, because they're quite mercenary and always demand to be paid in first-borns.
  • Look, brooms are just extremely handy, okay?
  • What's with witches and apples, anyway? If they went around offering poison doughnuts, they'd get way more takers.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 3000 Never wins initiative
Piratem.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Pirate witty pirate
  • Witty pirates are rarely allowed on a ship's crew without first signing a contract agreeing to let some of the other pirates -- especially the Captain -- have a good line once in a while.
  • The most famous witty pirate was Captain Chucklebeard, whose ship (The One Mic Stand) was entirely crewed with witty pirates. They only lasted six weeks before they all killed each other.
  • Captain Chucklebeard managed to escape the afore-mentioned tragedy, and retired to a small island off the coast of Loathing. His last words were reportedly "Either these curtains walk the plank, or I do." Out of respect, everyone laughed heartily anyway.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 110 Initiative +50%
Mush wizard.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Plant wizardly mushroom guy
  • Okay, yes, he's a magic mushroom. But not that kind.
  • Some mushrooms evolved into wizards because they were a frequent ingredient in witches' brews, and that's how evolution works.
  • "How does a mushroom grow a beard?" you ask.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15 Initiative +50%
Tree magnolia.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Plant Woeful Magnolia
  • The Foonbit's an office without many powers
    They chiefly greet tourists and hand out small flowers.
  • Diggeriboo is a small island nation,
    With lovely white beaches for your recreation.
  • The fruit of the Frindlebom's poison, it's true
    So make sure that you only use leaves in the stew.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Werewolf.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is a Dude wolfman
  • You probably already knew that wolfmen have nards. What you may not know is, they also have bachelor's degrees in philosophy.
  • A wolfman can smell what you ate for breakfast from more than a mile away! Even further, if it was raw onions.
  • Wolfmen are extremely allergic to silver. This is because they do not have gall-bladders.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2 Initiative +50%
Wraith4.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead Wonderful Winifred Wongle
  • Winifred had a pet cat when alive,
    Once she was gone, the poor thing ceased to thrive.
  • Winnie dressed up in costumes and went to conventions,
    She showed lots of skin and she loved the attention.
  • Don't ever call women like Winifred sluts!
    If you do, they're liable to punch in your guts!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Woolyduck.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast Wooly Duck
  • It is a known fact that ducks are bullies. So now you know what that song is about.
  • In the summer months, wooly ducks shed their winter coats -- hence the phrase "like hair off a duck's back".
  • Wooly ducks, which existed back in a time when there wasn't much to do except drink all day, are also the origin of the phrase "the hair of the duck that bit you."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Doubt1.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Construct work hat
  • Most work hats work as nurses at construction sites.
  • The most common injury they deal with is "nail through skull."
  • The treatment for "nail through skull" is to keep driving in additional nails until the patient stops reporting pain.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +50%
Ravendesk.gif Nicesword.gif 27 This monster is a Construct writing desk
  • The world's oldest writing desk is probably in really bad shape right now.
  • A writing desk differs from a secretary in that it is a piece of furniture, not a person.
  • Termites who infest writing desks score an average of 15 points higher on the verbal section of the SAT than ordinary tree termites.
Whiteshield.gif 51 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 28 Initiative +50%
Susguy2.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude Wu Tang the Betrayer
  • "The Betrayer" is actually Wu Tang's last name -- his parents were Norman and Samantha T. Betrayer, of Anaheim.
  • Wu Tang is lactose intolerant, but continues to eat cheese even though he knows he shouldn't. I mean come on, cheese is delicious!
  • Wu Tang is an expert in fifteen different martial arts, and also has a Master's degree in cultural anthropology.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +150%
Wumpus.gif Nicesword.gif 66 This monster is a Beast wumpus
  • Wumpii appeared to be constantly wearing an expression of deep surprise and amazement. This was because, whenever someone was in a position to observe one, it was surprised that the observer was silly enough to enter a wumpus lair, and was still alive.
  • Wumpii have been extinct for many years, partly because of adventurers, but mainly because they kept making their lairs in caverns full of bottomless pits.
  • The wumpus killed by Krakrox was probably the last one alive, so it's a good thing that he was somehow able to kill it hundreds and hundreds of times.
Whiteshield.gif 59 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 66 Initiative +66%

Unobtainable

Seahorse.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is a Fish wild seahorse
Whiteshield.gif 900000 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000000 Always wins initiative

References

  • The first War Frat Elite 500th Captain factoid is a reference to the We are the 99% political movement.
  • The creepy mustache of Spider Waters is a reference to the filmmaker John Waters.
  • A Megadurst would be really quite annoying.
  • The third fact about the White Bone Demon is a spoiler for the 1974 noir film Chinatown.
  • Wu Tang is an idiot, since cheese contains no lactose.